H and I went out to dinner tonight. We are one week into NC with OW. He talked to her a few times for business Mon and Tue with someone in the room with him. When I found out I said that is like an addict getting his fix, business call or not. I don't think he has spoken to her since.

I just filled out the EA Questionairre yesterday and "Openess and Honesty" was #3 on my top needs. Over dinner I thought about asking him how he was feeling because of the withdrawal symptoms. I don't want him to keep his feelings in, and then we have more secrets relating to her between us. But I didn't because I HATE hearing about the "intense, deep" feelings he felt for her, or worse still feels. He doesn't volunteer that info, but I've gotten it out of him. Earlier in the week he said he wants to call her every day. He acknowledges it's hard because he did see her every day for 5 yrs., the A was this past year.

So what do you all think? Should I encourage honesty about his feelings for OW, and just try to hide my hurt? I'm pretty transparent. Or just not talk about his feelings and let him deal with them on his own? We didn't have a lot to talk about over dinner. It's like this elephant in the room right now. Thanks for any advice!

Dr. Harley says that sometimes it helps to take a short vacation together, just to have fun. Can you do something like that? I would not ask about his feelings about OW. He needs to think about other things.

You know what? I think it is good that you are transparent and I think that if you don't address, verbally, with him, ALL that you are experiencing, that the transparency he will see is anger and/or fear.

I would be radically honest with him about all you are feeling. Acknowledge his pain (because that's the only elephant in the room)--she is not.
You are there, with him, not her. So, be there with him, for real.

H, I can sense you are in pain now over having NC with OW. As much as this hurts me that you had/have feelings for her, and as much as it will no doubt hurt me to hear you discuss it, should you decide that you need an ear, I just want you to know that I am really here for you. I am your friend, not only your W as someone who does not care about the burdens you carry or what ever it is you are going through. I've thought about this and came to the conclusion that although it is a painful experience for me to hear you verbalize your present experience, that the alternative of you keeping this area of your life apart from me is a worse pain for me. I want to share all of me with you and want you to share all of you with me. No matter how hard it is for both of us, I want us to work through all of this together in total honesty. I am suffering and you are suffering and I think since we love each other that we can overcome all of this, together, as long as we keep the lines of communication open, no matter how hard that can be. I can't promise you that I won't cry when you speak of her and your feelings but I can promise you that I will and am there for you, even now.

Then suggest a vacation! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

CV,
Congratulations!! That is a good first step. Now for the reality. Recovery takes time and patience. Please think long and hard about your questions. Every word out of your mouth is a potential land mind. He will be on edge for a long time. I know this sounds crazy, but if want him back, you need to make a safe place for him to land. No room for judgements, even in your thoughts. It will be two steps forward and one step back.

You will LB at times and regret it, but don't beat yourself up when you do, just learn from it. Most likely he is still in deep fog and will go through withdrawal. There will be more contact and he needs to know you don't condone it and that it hurts you. Otherwise drop it.

Radical honesty has it's limits right now. He is out of the A, so the honesty part is about feelings and recovery. Help him to feel safe if he does talk, but don't try to force it. Also, hold onto the special moments and discard the setbacks. Alot of what he will say about OW is fog talk and just not true or real, so why do you want him to talk about her. Hang in there, its just the beginning and it will get better. Its really up to you.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Believer, a vacation would be great, but it's not possible right now. Before I confronted the lovely OW he was suggesting we go away for a weekend when his business turmoil eases up. Now he's chilling out a bit since the confrontation so hopefully we will go somewhere, at least within a few months.

JazzeyGirl, when I found out tuesday, during our 1st MC session, that he talked to her twice for business, I commented that he should have told me. He didn't think it was necessary because someone was in the room with him, and he needed info from her. Later in the day is when I told him he shouldn't call het about anything. He told me he did have to call her about unemployment. I just said make sure someone is with you. He decided to mail all the info to her instead.

He actually filled out the questionaire a day before I did. He didn't want to read them together, so I read his this morning. Reading his was a little difficult. However, mine wasn't exactly glowing on how he has been meeting my needs either.

Last Straw, I want to do what you suggest, but the reality is maybe I can't right now. I had an insight the other day, which I actually wrotw on one of these boards. That is that i have begun to believe some of his fog talk. One that maybe our relationship has always sucked. The other that maybe what he felt for her was real, and she is better suited to his personality. Up until recently I totally believed his feelings were totally fantasy related. I still do. It is such a classic A. However, I realize the fog talk gets to me. So maybe we don't have enough good between us yet for me to deal with it adequately. I tend to get very sarcastic about his feelings about OW. And also point out how manipulative she was, which she was. He says he knows that, yet he still tries to protect her. I can't stomach that!

Roman121, that's the hard part of what you said, "It's really up to you." As a BS I have the need for comfort and reassurance. He has been decent with the comfort. Of course he can't reassure me now because I know he is questioning everything, and still feels for her. It is so amazing to me because she really isn't that great. I know it's about his perception of her, and I'm not talkimg just about physical attractiveness. But she met all of his needs at work, which he loves. And I am still trying to find out what other needs she met. He's really having difficulty divulging what they did physically. Admiration is top on H's EN list, so I bet she was great at meeting that need. That is pretty low as one of my ENs, so I'm sure I wasn't too good at pumping him up.

Once again thanks to all of you. Any further comments are great. I'm taking it all in.