My story
It’s been a wild ride. Sunday, while talking about a friend that was pregnant and due any minute, I asked my wife if “the factory was closed yet”. We have 2 girls, and I admit to wanting a boy. For the first time ever, she said, “I think so”. I was really surprised. At one time she wanted 4-5 kids. She said she needed to get back into teaching or she would never get a full time job later. Pushing her, I asked if there were other issues. W won’t talk unless I really push, but when did start to spill. She said b/c of our problems, she was afraid a child would only add to our troubles. She also spoke of her low self-esteem, and “inner-conflicts” (her term). We then moved to the issue of our marriage. She asked me if I regretted marrying her, I said no, couldn’t imagine life w/o her. She said the same basic thing to me. I asked if she wanted to leave. She paused, and said, if it were not for the kids, she would have divorced. That was tough to hear. I said she was acting the same way she was a year ago, and she said b/c the same issues are here in our M that were there a year ago, but not another man. Additionally, after talking about sex, it comes out that she had been “going thru the motions” for my sake, she could take it or leave it. And she is the one that cheated; try to relate to that from the male psyche. She says that she is considering divorce, but hasn’t decided yet. I tell her the decision is hers.

Monday, I go to work, but feign illness, and come home early. I am pretty messed up, and could not be at work. While the kids were at school, we talked and agreed to work on the M for the kids. Also for us. It was tense. Part of me, said for here it was only for the kids. Just my hunch.

Tuesday was a busy day, kids and homework, both of us tired. Little chance for interaction.

Wednesday was an interesting day. Come home, play with the girls, had a lot of fun. Had a family dinner. After I got home, W showed me a picture my oldest D had drawn; it showed M&D with both girls along with the caption “I Love my Family”. It brought tears to both our eyes. Really made us focus on what is important, out kids. Got the girls to bed, but oldest started playing the I want to sleep w/M&D. We both had to get tough with her. Even though the W had suggested that SF be scaled back, we made love; she even made some subtle overtures before the event. Maybe wishful thinking on my part, but I sensed it.

Last nite, had a sitter, went to a movie and dinner afterwards. It was nice.

Tonite, W is feeling sick and has gone to bed.

Question is, can staying together for the kids be enough? With current state, how can I trust again knowing D is being considered? I want this to work, but am having a tough time connecting with W. I recently tried the 180 stuff, and seems to be having a little impact. Before, I was also initiating contact and affection, to the point that it was too much. Critiques welcome.

<small>[ March 06, 2004, 02:44 AM: Message edited by: Glad-man ]</small>

Gladman,

I am glad to see you post here. It was blank on JFO. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for your W's unbalanced view of your M, please read the book: His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. W. Harley. It may help.

Just for the record, that staying for the kids line is an old WS line. They learn to use it as a cop out answer. When mine told me that along with I never loved you. I asked him to tell me when he started lying to me. He looked puzzled. I then said, well was it when we dated, when he proposed, when we got married, b4 or after we had a child (hard to imagine our son was NOT conceived in love) so I asked him to give me a date. Well all a WS can be is vague. They are great at jumping to conclusions or even making stuff up but when pushed for proof such as above, they fail. Every time.

You do need to read that book. Don't make like you are at her beck and call. Be there for the children but she needs to be there for you.

Let us know how you are doing.

take care,
L.

i don't believe staying together for the kids can be enough long term. I do know that for me, there was a period of time that i was staying just for the kids. and yes, i told my H that.

orchid </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Just for the record, that staying for the kids line is an old WS line. They learn to use it as a cop out answer. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this may have been the case in your situation, but it was no "line" for me. and it was very painful to have to face, because i had the same question in my head. can i really just stay for the kids, is that going to be enough? sometimes i would say to myself, i'll just stay until the kids are grown but i knew then and now, staying for the kids cannot be a long term situation. it does not result in a healthy environment for the kids. with that said, i have to add, i am very glad i stayed for the kids, because i stayed. and things are turning around for us now.

glad-man, in case you don't know my story, i am the WS, my H does not know about As. He does know our marriage was close to over and we are working on it. If you and your W can get away for a weekend, please prayfully consider going to Retrouvaille. here is the website,http://www.retrouvaille.org/ it is a great organization. it is international. please go to the website and at least read some of the stories there. there are also followup session after the weekend. it took a while in our case, because i was still in the middle of A, but the experience made a huge impact on our relationship. there are others here that have been to it as well.

i wish i could offer you more. i am sorry you are hurting. keep actively working on the marriage, keep pulling her to you.

It is tough, but it sound so hopeful. She is willing to stay for the kids, that means you will have a chance to work on your M. That is the most important. Get this book, How one of you can put two of you together, by Suan Page.

It is tough, but it sound so hopeful. She is willing to stay for the kids, that means you will have a chance to work on your M. That is the most important. Get this book, How one of you can put two of you together, by Susan Page.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
<strong> i don't believe staying together for the kids can be enough long term. I do know that for me, there was a period of time that i was staying just for the kids. and yes, i told my H that.

orchid </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Just for the record, that staying for the kids line is an old WS line. They learn to use it as a cop out answer. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this may have been the case in your situation, but it was no "line" for me. and it was very painful to have to face, because i had the same question in my head. can i really just stay for the kids, is that going to be enough? sometimes i would say to myself, i'll just stay until the kids are grown but i knew then and now, staying for the kids cannot be a long term situation. it does not result in a healthy environment for the kids. with that said, i have to add, i am very glad i stayed for the kids, because i stayed. and things are turning around for us now.......</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FL.
Of course staying 'only for the kids' is NOT the correct or only reason. Many children who lived through these scenarios can attest to that as youths and adults.

My point is when a WS makes that statement it is not because they are looking for what is to benefit the family, while in the WS state of mind it is an excuse NOT a reason. Am I making this up? No, stick around and read up. This same case scenario has been played out many times. In my personal case that was one of the many excuses I heard.

What else did I hear? I heard the OW trying to ease the WS' conscience saying that separating was actually better for the child. Also the OW said that my then 6 year old child s/b dropped in a parking lot and left alone so that the WS and BS had absolutely NO CONTACT with each other and that the WS should not speak or see the BS, family and friend for 1 year minimum.

Through the fog even the WS could see the babble. But that did not stop his A and the damaging effects continued.

Here's another point that really irritates me. When the WS says that they will stay until the children are 'grown and leave the house'. WHY? Do the stop being your children then? Will it hurt less then? Arrgh..... more stupid fog talk.

The point is that one who deliberately choose to break up their family for the sole reason of the A (true reason, NOT excuses), is dumb. If you think the rest of the world (including the WS' family) buys into those excuses, then the WS is truly the 'emperor in his new clothes'. WS' truly live the fantasy whlie their fanny is exposed to the world. Only then the WS sees the results of their real choices, is their hope for their recovery (personal and possibly marital).

JMHO,
L.

Hey Glad-Man,

Sorry for the tough week. I just wanted to say that staying together ONLY for the kids will not work. My FWH and I did that after affair number 1 and it lead to affair number 2.

The suggestion to read His Needs, Her Needs is right on the money. You both need to get back in touch with your needs and start meeting those needs for each other. When FWH and I started to do this, it all started to click. Now the kids play an important part in our marriage, but they are not the reason we are together.

Staying for the kids only is noble, but it doesn't work long-term. However, a happy wife whose needs are being met by a loving husband, well, now, that's a reason to stick around forever. See what her needs are and meet them.

~ Snow

GM:

is it enough 2 stay 2gether for the kids? Maybe, maybe not. I tend 2 think not, but that's in the long haul and with a lot of perspective behind those that make that choice. But for now? Since you're dealing with feelings and not logic here, then by all means staying 2gether and working on your problems for WHATEVER reason is justification enough for doing so.

The point is, it's ALWAYS appropriate 2 solve your problems, wherever that may lead. Anything 2 get communication lines opened and keep them open.

-ol' 2long

Glad-man,

Staying for the kids is as good a reason as any *for the time being*. Who CARES why she's staying? It could be financial, it could be for the kids, it could be any number of things - the point is, she's there, she's talking honestly and openly with you, and you have this time to Plan A your little heart out.

Eventually of course you want her to be staying because she belongs with you, plain and simple. But for now, take whatever reason she wants to give and make the most of it.

How can you gain trust, knowing D is being considered? Focus on the fact that there is no OM. She is being honest with you. She is telling you how she feels and that the same pre-A problems exist now that existed before the A. She is doing everything but hitting you with a frying pan and putting in a neon sign. Your M needs work! It sounds like she's totally willing to let you know where she thinks improvements need to be made. Listen to her. Meet her ENs. Don't lovebust. Take advantage of this opportunity.

I may be off-base on some (or all) of this. I couldn't get your link to your story to work. If I'm off target just keep on reading and ignore my post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I still believe that your w is willing to stay for kids, then she is a good one. You get the oppotunity to work on your M. Get all the books, and work on yourself. Time will prove that you are more than willing to stay with kids.

First of all, thanks to all for posting. Feedback helps me a lot.

I said earlier that I was trying the 180 bit, but really screwed up yesterday. On Sunday, while the W was in the shower, I took a quick look at her cell phone call log. In there I saw a number which I thought was the OM (he was supposed to move for work). I quickly wrote the last 4 digits of the number down so I could verify it was the OM's at work where I had the # written down. In my haste, I wrote the # down wrong. Not only wrong, but transposed the # so it matched the last 4 of the OM's cell. I get to work monday morning, check the #, and it matches (but I wrote the wrong # down). Almost on cue, W calls at work with a question about something else. Initially not planning to ask her abuot it right away, with her on the phone at that moment, I asked about the #. She was confused, so I told her to look at her cell phone. Long story short, turns out it was the cell for our maid. I feel like such an idiot, drove a wedge right b/t us.

I am really going to do the 180 thing now, I have to. I know she sees me as a needy, whiny wimp. I just don't know how long I can wait, I feel powerless. I am afraid she has already made up her mind, but has not left b/c of $, embarrassment, logistics, etc.

Had a pretty good 180 day today. Didn't initiate any conversations today other than the "how was your day stuff". Only called home once to let her know I would be at the gym and to not call my office or cell. She likes to know when I am in the office in case she or the kids need to get in touch with me quickly.

This 180 stuff seems a little dishonest, but I can see the point, I was chasing, and she just kept running away. Maybe I can get her to chase me a little, I would like that, and boy could my ego use the boost.