I have been with my partner for 5 years. Things have been pretty good, but hava always had suspicions about him cheating on me. We had been together about a year and I got a phone call from a woman claiming to have had an affair with him. I confronted him about it and he says she is lying and convinced me nothing was going on. Just recently this same woman surfaced and claims they have not lost touch since this first encounter with her. I confronted him again and he denys everything. I just want him to come clean so that we can start rebuilding trust in the relationship. He recently moved to Florida to take a job so this has been very hard. I am not sure whether I should join him there or not.

ConfusedinCo,

I feel for your predicament. You have a woman calling you and telling your your beloved has been lying to you. He tells you this woman is crazy.

What do youthink? Who has more reason to lie to you, a woman who you have never met, or the partner who is supposed to love you and protect you from harm?

Follow your head on this one. If he can't come clean, do not follow him to Florida until he does. If you need proof, ask that crazy lady who keeps calling you to provide some. I am sure she will have something she can provide if what she is saying is true.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. We know how hard it is.

~ Snow

<small>[ March 06, 2004, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

Thanks so much. This has been so hard especially with finding this out when he is 2500 miles away. I think she might be jealous and seeking revenge on him, but am not sure. He always denys everything and I don't think I will ever know the truth. The woman seems to have lots of "proof" but most of it doesn't seem to pan out. She claimed she had gone to hockey games with a couple of our friends and they said she never did. They are reliable sources. She always has so many details of specific incidents, but he claims it is part of her nature and she is crazy. I don't want to be dumb, but don't want to blame him for something he has never done. The first time this all happened she claimed he took her out for dinner when home with her, etc. He adamantly denied it. I saw the charge on his credit card from that night. He claims they just had dinner, nothing else and he never speaks to her. Now I find all this other stuff out. I am torn as to what to do, but guess time will tell!

I still think you are right to be bothered by the details she is providing.

I would ask those reliable friends again and tell them you really need them to be honest. Are these your friends originally, or your partners? That can make a big difference. They could be covering for him and hoping for the best.

Can a crazy lady come out of the woodwork and make all kinds of accusations that are based only on the fantasy in her head? Sure. But does it happen often and repeatedly? I would bet not.

You might need to do more digging. If she calls again, tell her to tape their conversation on the phone and send you a copy. Or forward an email he has written her that has details. Send you pictures she had taken of the two of them together. If he's wearing a shirt you bought him two Christmases ago, you have have tangible proof. That kind of proof is hard to deny.

It is natural for anyone in your position to want to believe their partner. That is what love means to many of us: to trust and believe that the person we love has our best interests in mind and wouldn't hurt us. But the truth is that sometimes they do hurt us and lie to us. Proceed with caution.

~ Snow

Thank you. I will try and get more proof. Those were excellent ideas.

Also, when I spoke to my son about this, he is 21, my son told me a story about a woman he saw kissing my partner at the business he and my son were working at at the time. My son was standing right there. When I approached my partner about this, he said there was a woman that used to work there that hugged and kissed everyone when she saw them. My son said it looked like my partner was pushing her away, so I am not sure if it was something my son misread. He is very protective of me and didn't tell me until all of this came out as he was afraid it would hurt my feelings.

Geez, Louise. He could have been pushing her away because they were at his WORK, for crying out loud, and your son was around. The excuse about "she hugs and kisses everyone" is pretty lame. I could almost buy the hugging (for a minute or two), but kissing? Puh-lease.

Did she ever hug and kiss your son when you saw him? Did he ever see this woman hugging and kissing other people? If you get a picture from the crazy lady of herself, ask your son if this is the nutty woman who hugs and kisses all her co-workers.

Keep checking. Your gut meter has been telling you for a long time that something stinks. You need to get to the root of the smell and go from there. You are NOT crazy!

Read everything you can on this site. You will gain a lot of knowledge that can keep you from making mistakes you might regret later.

~ Snow

Edited to add a graf

<small>[ March 06, 2004, 02:19 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

I had a similar problem last summer. The girl in question worked at the same place that me and my H2B work, and told everyone there that they were having an A. The funny thing was, she had a boyfriend at the time who was rather confused by the whole situation.

Things escalated to almost harrassment level when i started getting emails from one of her friends telling me all this crap that i was marrying a liar and a cheat.

Obviously I didnt believe his side of things straight away, but i did A LOT of digging and am now convinced it was all made up, that for some reason she had launched a campaign to split us up.

I know how much it hurts to be told these things. Even though I knew in my gut that none of it was true, to see those things in black and white was extremely painful and hard to get past.

Try your hardest to get proof one way or the other. Another trick is to tell him you have proof and that you know everything hes done. If you can keep up the bluff well enough he may well spill the beans.

In looking for proof, be prepared for what you might find as it may be painful. I hope he is not cheating on you, but i also hope you make a decision on the future of your relationship based on the truth.

sending my love

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ConfusedinCO:
<strong> I have been with my partner for 5 years. Things have been pretty good, but hava always had suspicions about him cheating on me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe her and I suspect that you do too. You say that you have been suspicious for a long time. I think you should not ignore your instincts. If you feel suspicious now, it will only get worse once you get married. You don't trust him now, it won't get any better in the future.

I don't believe for a second that this woman is making this stuff up. And I wouldn't be surprised if his friends are covering for him. If they were "OK" to take his girlfriend out with, they are the kind of people that would lie for him too. Don't fall for it, you ignore your gut instincts to your own detriment.

Confused,

What a rotten place to be. Many of us have been where you are and we know how much it hurts, how much you want to believe your partner, and how easy it is to suddenly feel like you can't trust even your own logic.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She always has so many details of specific incidents, but he claims it is part of her nature and she is crazy. I don't want to be dumb, but don't want to blame him for something he has never done. The first time this all happened she claimed he took her out for dinner when home with her, etc. He adamantly denied it. I saw the charge on his credit card from that night. He claims they just had dinner, nothing else and he never speaks to her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This stuff absolutely does not wash with me. Having details of specific incidents is NOT part of someone's nature. Being humorous or athletic or kind is part of someone's nature. Having details of incidents means she was there or she's close enough to him that she's heard lots of details from him.


He took her out to dinner but denied it. When he was caught red handed he said yeah it was dinner ONLY, we don't even really talk. I hate to say this but they ALL deny everything. Sometimes even when confronted with proof they continue to deny that "it" happened. And the part about them never even talking? How many people have you let take you to dinner that you never even talked to?

I'm really sorry to say this but I think you're very, very right to be suspicious.

When I told my friends incredulously that I asked WH time and time again, after I knew of the EA (which he still denies - "It was just honest communication between two friends" - yeah right!), if there was a PA, and he denied it. We even had a heart-to-heart when he denied it and made me feel safe and secure (despite my doubts, my instincts).

Then, he admitted the PA about 2 weeks later. And I was devestated, of course. And I kept saying how I couldn't believe he would lie to me when I suspected and asked him direct questions.

And one after the other, my friends told me that that is what people do when they have an A. They lie. They deny. That is the nature of the A!

I am not saying that is what is going on. I am saying that you have to go off what you know, what you see, both hard evidence and actions. Because if he is having an A, he is not going to tell you. It sucks. But it is true.

Keep posting. Hang in there.

SS