MBers, I feel like I am the main character in a Twilight Zone episode. Some of you might be too young to know about that show, so just think Steven King.

H and I went out last night. As soon as we were in the car this irritable behavior reared its ugly head. I called him on it and said, "I thought we were looking forward to going out, even though I'm not OW." Ok, no lectures please. I couldn't help myself. This withdrawal stage does suck! He pretty much ignored the comment, apologized for his crabbiness, and I got my S**T together so I wouldn't be bummed the rest of the evening. We went to dinner and a concert. It was a nice time.

Over dinner he told me OW had e-mailed him because she left something at work. H wrote back telling her when to come at a time he wouldn't see her. OK, I was glad he told me. When we got home I checked for the e-mail. I couldn't find it. I then went to the sent mail, and couldn't find it, yet all sorts of other mail was still there. Now I'm feeling pissed. I ask him about it and he says they e-mailed on his business account. I said i wanted that password, and why now are e-mails going through that account? I asked if that is where he told her to e-mail him. H claims he told OW I have access to all accounts. I'm not sure I believe that.

He coughs up the password, but with some indignation. Like why don't I believe him? Duh, you lied to my face for at least 8 months, does that answer your question? I went to his e-mail and there were e-mails Th., Fri., and Sat. They were very short, about business & what she left, and nothing personal. However, she asked if she could borrow this law book, which he agreed to. Now I'm feeling really pissed. Is NC, NC? I said to H, "You told me about Sat.'s e-mail, but nothing about TH. & Fri. Do you understand that I need that info to build my trust in you?"

OK, now is where the alien part comes in. Oh, at this point he is very put out that I have a need to talk. I bring to his attention that every time he's needed to talk to me at 3 am I have been there for him. He chills out and forces himself to talk. How F***ing generous! Sorry, when I'm angry I get it out with some choice words.

I tried to explain that I loved and trusted him for 26 years and he lied to me. It is his responsibility to rebuild my trust. I'm crying a bit now while I'm talking. I look in his eyes and say, "Do you understand this?" H's reply, "It's regrettable that you feel this way now." Me: "Do you feel anything about the fact that I don't trust you anymore?" H: "Now your asking me questions I don't know how to answer." I looked into his eyes and I swear they looked dead. Like there was no feeling there. NADA! Very scary!

Sometime between last night and this morning I bit the bullet and got him to talk about feelings for OW. He thinks about her all the time. This morning he told me he feels like a "caged animal, like he's in prison." Why? Because I told him he has to cut contact with her. I don't want him loaning her any books. And if he needs info about something she did in his office, he needs to have someone else call her. Also, H states that all this checking up on him is ruining his privacy.

We both got our EN questionairres filled out. "Openess & Honesty" is one of my top 5s, and it isn't one of his. Does anyone who has an A put it as a top 5? I guess honesty isn't important to H anymore.

MBers, I feel like I am doing all the work here. At the beginning of DDay, when he was afraid I'd dump him, he begged me not to leave. He'll do whatever it takes for the rest of our lives to make it up to me. Yeh! That lasted for about a day. He actually read "After the Affair" that day. Hasn't read anything since.

I'm weakening here. Please, I need major encouragement. I don't know where my H went. He's not in this body anymore. I'm really feeling like the fact that he knew OW for 5 yrs, and the past year it became an EA/PA is too much to overcome. I really can't picture him feeling love for me again. Does this MB stuff really work? Or am I just prolonging the eventual pain? Harley says a man who has an EA has a difficult time letting go of OW. Am I fighting a losing battle here? Please, please, answer this post. I need you folks! Thanks once again!

CV55,

This is textbook withdrawal and you are just going to have to ride it out. I know its ugly, but its pretty routine behavior for a person who is in the throes of withdrawal. It will get better IF HE ENDS CONTACT. But that hasn't happened yet, so recovery hasn't even started.

And if you keep lovebusting him, you run the risk of pushing him into the arms of the OW by making her look more attractive and you LESS attractive.

On the other hand, you must do something about the continued contact he is having. As long as he has ANY contact, the affair is still in force. He can't withdraw from her if there is ANY CONTACT. That is a boundary that you can't waffle on, otherwise you are doomed.

He needs to tell her unequivocably that she is to NEVER contact him again, that he is working on his marriage and that the affair was a huge mistake. I know you said he didn't want to risk a lawsuit by putting it in writing, so maybe y'all can call her together. Somehow she has to get the message even if it means talking to her with you on the other extension.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also, H states that all this checking up on him is ruining his privacy.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">please excuse me but I went HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAA when I read this! I am sorry but that is just so funny. Does he think he should have the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back!? yikes!!

P.S. yes, this MB stuff really does work! If he gets through withdrawal and you start meeting his needs and working this program, you can fall in love with each other again. Really!

That empty, dead look in his eyes, like he was just gone. It sends chills down my spine, remembering that look in my own husband's eyes when he was forced to choose between me and OW. Is your husband on antidepressants? If not, don't wait another second to get him on. Amazingly, I was able to "demand" that my husband start antidepressants, even though he was the one who had another the OW and who had moved out and I was the one wanting to work things out. He objected furiously, but he took them, claiming I was forcing him. And now, five years later, that whole nightmare is such a painful but distant memory in our very happily recovered marriage. My husband's depression lead him into that affair, but getting him on those antidepressants and following Dr. Harley's advice worked miracles.

MelodyLane, it's Ok that you laughed. When I read you laughing I laughed too. This whole thing is oddly laughable. This morning I gave him an excellant back, shoulder, and head rub. I actually had to conceal my laughter as I was doing this. I'm not sure why. I think because this whole "love bank" thing cracks me up sometimes, when it doesn't piss me off. Poor baby needs his stress relieved because he soooo sas about OW. And here I am, Ms. chump doing my MB duties. If you would have told me a year ago any of this MB stuff, I would have said you all are insane. Now I'm one of you!

ree, he is on an AD. Unfortunately the one he's on isn't probably the best one for him, but it's the only one that doesn't cause sexual dysfunction. Something that contributed to our problems.

Thanks all. The little darling is pulling in the driveway now. I want to make sure I'm waiting at the door, with my apron on, and pearls around my neck. CV

We went walking together. I tried to stay clear of all A talk. We stopped for coffee and I realized he was talking and I had nothing to say. All I could think about was the stupid A. So finally I think he asked me what I was thinking about and I asked him what he was going to do about the NC. He said he just won't answer her e-mails. This sounds a little weak to me. Oh, last night I think I suggested maybe I should e-mail her. Again he talked about how he doesn't want anything in writing. I told him something he obviously hadn't thought about. The fact that just because he didn't keep her love letters doesn't mean she got rid of his. Freaked him out I think.

Then I asked him if he finished reading my EN sheet. H said he can only do that in small doses and it kind of bores him. He just walked in the room to go over ENs. Maybe the aliens have left his body for a while. We'll see!

In case you folks haven't read my recent posts I've been buying into the fog talk of his. How we've always sucked, and maybe OW really is more compatible. No one has spoken to these posts, so jump in if you want. Thanks all! CV

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CV55:
<strong> ......Oh, last night I think I suggested maybe I should e-mail her. Again he talked about how he doesn't want anything in writing. I told him something he obviously hadn't thought about. The fact that just because he didn't keep her love letters doesn't mean she got rid of his. Freaked him out I think.

.......Maybe the aliens have left his body for a while. We'll see!
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CV,

Let your H know that if the OW you are dealing with is anything like PBR (OW in our case), she will not only save the e-mails but she will print then out, count them and put in them a binder. Then if she wants to blackmail him, she will take it before a judge in an attempt to get an RO against him because she felt it was proof. The RO was ordered but not before the judge told her that her case was weak. He could see that anyone who takes the time to print and sort through over 600 e-mails, has a problem. Go figure, most of those e-mails were responses to the OWs because most of the communication was OW controlled. The ws in our case is not a talker but the OW was Ms. Yacki-mouth. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So share this story with your H. Hope this helps him keep out of the fog.

L.

Interesting Orchid. I might share it with him if the aliens definitely leave his body at some point. Unfortunately the H who is sitting on the couch at this moment while I'm typing is still not H.

We get out our EN questionaires and Harley' SAF. H thought we only needed to focus on the top 2 needs. Plus he started the whole conversation in a very crabby manner. "Ily have the patience to do a little of this. I said, "Don't do me any favors." I know, the dang LB left my mouth before I knew it. Maybe because I want to wring his narcissistic little neck. I then found the part in the book where it says you definitely should not leave out any of the top 5 needs, but give extra attention the the top 2. Well, Somehow I was being bossy or something by pointing that out to him. Then to myself I'm thinking, "Who the F cares?" This guy is a jerk. I now told him he should read the rest of the book. He only read about half of it. I thought maybe we should know the 4 rules before we hit the ENs.

He's reading and commenting on all my LBing ways. "Harley says you're not supposed to be angry. You've done the DJs also." He mentioned whatever that 3rd LB is. I told him if he's going to comment on everything I'm doing wrong go in another room and read. He siad that I've only gotten angry about 3 times. Oh, in 2 months I've been angry 3 times. Well, guess what, let's make it 4. Luckily he left the room because he could only read it for about 5 minutes.

This can't be my life right now. Maybe I'm the one who's been abducted by aliens and I'm living on a planet that resembles earth, with someone who looks like H. You know what he told me today. He was scolding me because my car is exceptionally dirty, and it is. I'm not too good with keeping my car clean. He is planning on letting me drive his ex-partner's car because the lease isnn't up until Septemeber. You know, the car OW was supposed to drive while I drove my 15 year old pieceof crap car? (I am actually laughing right now. I don't know why.) So he says, "I'm not sure about you driving that car. If you let it get dirty it will be a bad image in the community." It took all my control to not say, "Yeh, that would be bad, but not as bad as having an affair in the community. Having at least 10 people ask if you are having an affair with your secretary?" Who is this creature, and how long will I be able to live with it? It scares me. Please don't tell me I have to live in this hell for 2 yrs. I'll NEVER survive!

I do not believe just because recovery takes that long, that you will always be the one doing most of the hard work.

I am not even close to where you are yet, as my WH still lives in his own apartment, and he isn't sure he ever loved me. But the OW dumped him, so at least I have that.

But my impression is that there is an ebb and flow in recovery. When his withdrawal stops, and he comes out of the fog, I believe you will be able to release some of what you now have to hold in.

Recovery is not just for him. It is for you and for your M. Remember that. It is not an easy path to travel, so I've heard, but can have tremendous rewards.

Have you read the posts around here somewhere from the FWS's that explain their journey? And where they are now? Compared to where they started out? That might be something for you to read, to give you hope. I wish I could link them here for you, but the vets know where they are.

Just some thoughts. You are doing awesome. Keep that sense of humor I see shining through your posts. THAT is what will get you through this. And God. And medication if needed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

HUGS! SS

Thanks to all of you who responded to me today. It helps so much to be able to vent and know there are ears that really are listening, and who really understand.

SS, I don't know where my sense of humor is coming from in this situation. At times of course I have no sense of humor and just feel so tired and sad. Then the next day something will hit me so funny that I laugh out loud. Like when I thought about H if he were to end up with the OW who's 20 yrs. younger. They've never to my knowledge spent a night together. I'm picturing her rude awakening when in the morning H wakes up and takes his blood pressure. Oh, also before bed. Then he gets out his daily pill container and takes his BP, AD, and whatever other meds he takes. Then at night he puts the nose strip on to tone down the snoring. Because if he doesn't do that you can hear him from 2 rooms away. That would shock the little princess. And finally there are the occasional conversations about hemerhoids (sp?). If that ain't a romance buster I'm not sure what is. OMG, I'm laughing again. If he ever joins this site I'll tell him not to say he's with me.

And thank God for my AD. As far as me doing an awesome job, thanks, but I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just hanging in here for some reason, because frankly at the moment, I'm not looking at him as this great catch.

Thank you all for keeping me going! I hope one day I can be as encouraging to others. And SS, I know this has been difficult for you. I've read your recent posts. You're a brave lady!

YOU are now cracking ME up! That stuff is so true.

When H cuts his toenails, I take cover and hide my eyes. Those things ricochet around the room, and could do serious damage. I hear how hard they bounce off the walls, and they have hit my skin before and it stings. I could lose an eye!

And NOBODY wants to be around him the day after he eats lots of onion dip at a party. Total romance killer.

Yeah, some days it is sad. But most of the time, it is laugh or cry. And I have cried and cried.

I don't know what the heck I'm doing, either. I am hanging in there, but not sure why. My WH doesn't seem much like a catch at this point, either. OW dumped him, he has no self esteem, no hope for the future, he is broken on the inside.

A month ago I had deep beliefs in our M and our connection to each other. If I let myself, I'm sure I could still feel those things. But I have detached for now. It is a process.

Thanks for the encouragement. I do think you are doing great. Hang in there.

SS

SS, now your humor is shining through. I laughed so hard at your toenail story. I'm laughing now. This whole affair thing is so ludicrous. We BSs get it, but our spouses just don't, at least in the beginning. I told my H the other night how textbook his A is. In the book AAF(After the Affair) we fit almost all the criteria of situations that can lead to an A. The fact that OW was there and eager just sealed it. He looked at me with those blank eyes and said, "Yes, I know that's what the books say." I could tell at that moment he was probably thinking, "But this was different. OW and I felt REAL feelings for each other. It was the real deal."

Anyway, I give you and others so much credit for sticking this out while your WS is still seeing OW. Now in your case not, but living elsewhere. Truthfully I'm pretty sure if H were to keep his A I couldn't live with him and do Plan A. And if I ever were to get to Plan B, I'm not sure I'd last with that. Of course you never know what you'll do until you're there. I never thought I'd EVER stay with him for 2 minutes if he cheated on me, especially the length of time he did. Plus, during such a bad time for me. UGGGHHH! This whole thing requires a lot of forgiveness.

You hang in there too! And laugh whenever you can. Share it here because you are funny! CV

I have told my WH that he is following a script, that everything he has done and continues to do is normal. And he tells me that it isn't, that his situation is unique.

I just smile and nod. I say, yes, the details are different, but a lot of things are the same. And he very defensively says that the details make all the difference, and completely change every story into something different.

And I just smile and nod more. And don't say anything else. Because my goal is to not LB, and if I said anything, it would be an LB, as I'm sure you can imagine - with lots of choice words. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yes, whenever I feel impatient now (which is about every other minute of every day), I relfect on what Pep told me yesterday. I have planted the seeds, watered them, and I need to sit back and wait for them to grow.

Me shouting at them is not going to speed up the process. Very difficult for me. This is my greatest lesson right now. Not my only, just my greatest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We are both doing good. Let's keep posting to try and crack the other one up. I think we both have the same sense of humor. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Chat at you later! SS