Bump up for the kids...

PP, this is an excellent story and it gets the message across. The analogy of the car wreck is perfect. That is what one feels when one discovers the truth, as if one is blindsided.

A child's point of view is absolutely priceless.

My son, almost 5 yrs old now, said to me around Christmastime.... "Mom? Why doesn't daddy want to be my friend anymore?". <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> (He and his brothers haven't seen their dad, or his side of the family since June 14, 2003).

If only the WS could see the hurt they put onto their children, perhaps if they could FEEL it, then that would help them to come out of the fog easier? But you know what? I think that they DO see it, feel it, hear it, taste it, etc. And that is exactly why they stay away... because they can't deal with it (whether they don't know how to, or don't give a damn to, is a different story).

Sigh! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Thanks for sharing and bumping this up Pep. (I missed it the first time around).

Karen

PepperBand,

Thanx for posting that word picture.

I know I can't send it to my WH though. He would just get angry and say I am trying to make him feel guilty. It would be LB'ing I guess. Plus I'm in Plan B anyway so won't be contacting him.

LadyInRed,

I am so sorry that you were treated so cruelly by your own father. My husband's OW supposedly cares about our daughters... but she blatanlty tried to prevent them from re-establishing a relationship with their father (unless it could be on her schedule and under her supervision). I did tell my WH that he was the first man to ever break his daughters' hearts. My youngest daughter is about the same age you were when you wrote the letter to your father. And he stood her up on her birthday too to be with OW (and it wasn't even OW's birthday). I can't imagine how painful that must be for a little girl. I can't imagine feeling so 'in love' with somebody that I would hurt my own child like that.

I think there's a lot more that could be done as far as public education to warn people about the destruction of adultery. I know it's not politically correct to put down adulterers but most people are simply ignorant of how twisted their thinking and morals can become if they give in to the temptation of an affair. I guess they think they can control it or just have an affair for a little while... They realize too late that they're in too deep. I share the frustration of the veterans who whack the newcomer WS's with verbal 2X4's. They just don't get it that we don't want to see them do more damage. I'm sure your father never dreamed he would hurt you so deeply. And he does seem to realize and feel remorse - now. I do think it's shameful that he still allows the OW to interfere with your relationship with him though.

I'm very shocked and scared by how devastating this has been for my daughters. It angers me that some people pretend divorce isn't all that bad on the kids. IMO those people don't really care about the kids and are too deep in the fog themselves to even be asked for their opinions.
It's petty much all left to the BS's like your mom to pick up the pieces of the shattered lives.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by meremortal:
PepperBand,

Thanx for posting that word picture.

I know I can't send it to my WH though. He would just get angry and say I am trying to make him feel guilty. It would be LB'ing I guess. Plus I'm in Plan B anyway so won't be contacting him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is a letter sent by the child anyway.... not by the spouse. I think if one of your daughters is old enough, have her read it, and compose her own letter...? Possibly?

Pep

Hi Pep,

Yes I aree that ALL three of my daughters are old enough (12, 16 & 18) to compose a letter to their dad. I have suggested it several times (but not recently).

But I was mostly suggesting it because my WH had falsely accused me of not letting him have visitation with his daughters. The truth is he was demanding to come to my home and have me come along for visitation, while there was a restraining order in effect. I voluntarily (there was no court ordered visitation) set up visitation through a third party which he refused to cooperate with. I offered several options for drop-off/pick-up sites but he objected. Plus sometimes our daughters would feel so hurt, angry (or scared) that they didn't want visitation anyway. I was afraid of the false accusation that I was preventing visitation. So I wanted my daughters to put in writing what they knew was really going on, especially times they didn't want to see him for their own reasons. They say they don't care what their father or the people who believe him think though. I did insist that the separation document state that the visitation would be "at the daughter's disgression" so my WH couldn't force visitation. Also, I have suggested many times to both my WH and our daughters that they should agree on a visitation schedule that doesn't get drastically increased/decreased each time WH & OW break-up/make-up. I also stressed that it really is none of the OW's business -she's not even his wife yet - and it should be between our daughters and him.

My daughters have had MANY verbal confrontations with their father about his lying. Plus they have tried to explain to him (verbally) how hurt they are. So many times I have seen the two youngest ones trying to tell their father through sobs, how they really feel. He just blames it on me and tells me to tell them 'their feelings are wrong'... And one daughter tried to tell her grandmother (MIL) that it wasn't true that I was preventign her form seeing her dad. MIL is pretending she doesn't know who she was talking to on phone and "somebody" (WH) took the phone away from my daughter. She told my daughter "no, no, that can't be" when daughter told her "my mother has never prevented us from seeing our father".

Actually, the OW has become the main factor interfering with the relationship between my WH and his daughters! She wants to have control over the visitation to restrict and supervise it as she sees fit. (But MIL believes OW is just a woman WH dated for only 2 months last srping and has been totally broken up with ever since...)

I haven't talked to my daughters about it in a while - they don't want their father even mentioned anymore. But I still do think if they would write their thoughts down and send it to their father (and maybe their grandma too), it might help expose and end this insanity sooner. Then again, my WH and his family will probably just accues me of writing it or of 'brainwashing' my kids into writing it...

I did tell my WH that as long as he's lying to his family and they're willing to believe his lies, then I don't see how it can be possible for me and my daughters to continue a relationship with his family. I mean I won't try to stop my daughters from having contact with them or vice versa, but WH's family likes to blurt out false accusations and sympathy for WH over how we've supposedly mistreated him... And I know my daughters will not just keep quiet when that happens. So unless we'd be willing to go along with his lies and their comments, what would be the point of trying to have a relationship with them anymore? My WH apparently doesn't think that would be a problem... He even thinks recovery means I should pretend I forced him to come home (or else I wouldn't let him see his kids) and pretend that the affair was just something I made up to put him down to his family... I KNOW when/if we ever see his family again THEY will bring this whole mess up and my daughters WILL (verbally) expose the truth. I would like to spare them such an awful scene though.

I think I'm beginning to understand why my daughters won't put their thoughts in writing though. They want their father to love them enough to tell the truth and to care about their feelings. And if he doesn't... then they just want to 'get on with their' lives without him. They have lost so much respect for their father and his family, that I think they honestly could care less what he and his family think or believe now. And really, unless HE tells the truth and defends us, it won't even matter. Until HE confesses his family won't believe it anyway. And my daughters and I really don't want to even have a relationsip with people who care so little for us and don't believe us.

I will stay in Plan B until the divorce is final unless my WH confesses all. If we divorce I could care less what lies he tells his family because we just won't have anymore to do with any of them. And that is a point all three of my daughters arrived at a long time before I did.

Bump up for Hoosier.

Pep

Hey Pep,

Thanks for bumping this up. I heard Gary Smalley on Focus on the Family a while back and bought the tape. I should get the book, my H really relates to that type of communication.

WOW, thought I was all out of tears. Guess they refill, eh?

Pepperband,

Awesome word picture--I know you didn't write it--
but thanks for sharing--

I'll bump it back up so maybe someone else can read it--

WOW! That made me cry! Thank you for posting that....it really so hard to imagine how our children must feel and what they are going through inside their little hearts! They all just want their families together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithful follower:
<strong> Hey Pep,

Thanks for bumping this up. I heard Gary Smalley on Focus on the Family a while back and bought the tape. I should get the book, my H really relates to that type of communication. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I ordered the book after listening to the radio program.

It instructs how to communicate your emotions in such a way that the listener ~feels! the emotion too ... not just understands on an intelectual level ... but feels it on a visceral level.

The art is to place the word picture in a frame of reference that has meaning for the intended listener. You need to know what is important to your intended listener, begin there and build. Hard to do on the spur of the moment. Often takes forethought and planning.

Pep

*bump up for DEAR Alph*

Thanks Pep,

What an incredible letter...

Alph.

Reading this was confirmation for me (again) that staying with FWH is the right thing to do for my family. I may feel like leaving him sometimes, but I could never inflict the pain that I carry with me, on to my children.
They've done nothing wrong, and they know nothing about the A (and they shouldn't, they are only kids of 11 and 8).

I hope & pray every night to have the strength, courage, forgiveness and love to carry out my role as a good mum, parent (and wife) and give my kids the secure start in life they should have.

Life is strange though, isn't it? H has just called me from a job he's on at the moment and I told him about the letter I've just read.
He got quite upset while he was on the phone (obviously it was very visual for him).


Anyway, just journalling.............as you all say!

Hope

*bump*

here is the name of the book

Pep,

Thanks for bumping this up. My oldest DD wrote her dad a 3 page typed letter last summer right before she left for school. It was before he moved out. I was there when he opened the letter and could see his face just drop, it really hurt him. She never shared the letter with me.. she told me she would some day. That night they talked and she told me he just tried to justify everything... don't really think it affected him. After that she went and cried with her friends. I wonder if he ever rereads that letter.

I'm going to suggest my DD16 write to her father... I will share with her the original letter. I think it will help her get her anger out towards her dad. And maybe they can start healing and get thier relationship back on track. And then again he'll just probably just keep justifying and blame me... you know this all my fault.

Still

Hello Pep,
You will receive the most blessed gift of all by going to help your mother at this time. It will always stay with you.
I helped care for my mother when she was dying of cancer. It helped me afterwards, to know that I had been there. Also went back East to care for my favorite uncle. Also cared for my mother in law, and our son took it upon himself to spend his Spring Break with her the months before she died.

The gift was, that although we grieved, we didn't regret not doing more. The family members who "wanted to remember him/her the way they were" and couldn't bring themselves to go to the sickroom, they suffered more pain afterwards than we who sat with them, cleaned them up, cried with them.

God bless you. (I know that He does!)

bump up