WW and I have been working on reconciliation for almost three months now. She had a nine-year affair with a co-worker. It even survived MC the first time I found out about it five years ago.

The affair is completely out in the open now. OP’s wife knows and they are dealing with it too.

WW is working hard and doing all the right things to recover: ended it for real this time, MC and IC for real this time, Retrouvaille, answering all questions though she has a lot of difficulty with radical honesty at times (we have to revisit some things several times before the story settles down to the truth), returning to church and offering apologies to OP’s spouse (who is not ready to receive them yet).

WW moved out right after DDay number 2 (19 December, 2003). She has been staying with a good friend. She asked last week if she could come home. She is sorry and will never do it again. She sees his true colors now (he is a real player, she wasn’t his only one, he is blaming the affair on her…) She will continue counseling and work on communication, says she loves me, admits the affair was a fantasy, will recommit to our marriage, etc… It sounds like she is coming out of the fog, finally.

The main question is, should I trust her enough to have her come back home? I forgive her. But, I remember as if it was yesterday what we went through five years ago. It didn’t work then, why should I trust her now? I remember, because it was yesterday, everything I went through after I found out again this time.

What if he calls her again in year, say? Will the addiction be too much? Can she be happy with just me after having such a long-term relationship on the side? He was a kind of marital aide. My fears are extreme.

Do I ask her to come home? Do I put myself in harms way again? How likely is it that a nine-year affair that survived everything will ever be truly over? How do I let go? How do I convince our 11-year-old son to trust her again? He is really mad at her and feels abandoned and morally outraged himself (Catholic School religion classes). He does not seem to want her to come back yet.

Any advice and experience would be appreciated.

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 01:25 AM: Message edited by: Thos ]</small>

Why did you not divorce her?

I think your answer to this dilemma (welcome home? or not?) is somewhere in how you answer this question.

Why did you not divorce her?

Pep

Well, Pepperband, you must make the big bucks asking the hard questions. I had to go vacuum and dust the house, make a cup of tea and have a cigar in the garage to collect my thoughts.

I kind of considered getting a divorce more than once - when she said she was. I even talked to an attorney by phone. I said I wanted to know what I should do to be ready if she filed but I was not ready to file first. I wanted to see if we could work on our marriage first. He laughed and said I would be getting divorced. He said he had been practicing family law for 20 years and not once has a situation like mine not ended in divorce. That scared me. I wanted to prove him wrong.

In a rough order of importance I think the reasons I have not divorced her are:

I love her even though I don’t like what she did.

She stated early on a degree of understanding that her affair had no honest future and was questioning it, sort of, and his motives for a while even before I found out.

I felt I should give this last 110% if for no other reason than I could look at myself in the mirror every morning. I would at least know I did everything possible to save our marriage even if I could not in the end make it work any more.

My values for a Christian marriage. A holy sacrament, ‘till death do us part, for better or for worse. Our marriage means something important to me over and above individual commitment. I promised her I would be faithful no matter what. I vowed this in front of God, her, family and friends.

Cowardness. Inertia. Fear of radical change, of the unknown, loneliness. Would have to see her all the time regarding our son anyway.

She did not want to get a divorce during the first two weeks after D-Day. She did later, on occasion, but like a multiple-choice test often your first guess is the best.

She showed an increasing degree of remorse as time has gone on. There have been two steps forwards, one step back – sometimes ten steps back – progress but a general tendency towards real contrition.

She has kept her promises to get counseling, individual and together, and start a spiritual journey of discovery. She is starting to get a handle on how her personality traits affect her bad behaviors.

Do any of these make sense? I still remember she could not keep her promises five years ago (or her original marriage vows, for that matter). My big fear is she will not be able to this time either if he calls to her again.

<small>[ March 11, 2004, 11:58 PM: Message edited by: Thos ]</small>

OK, first thing's first, if Pep asks you any more hard questions, could you come and vacuum and dust my house? Make me some tea? I don't smoke cigars, but you could have one in my garage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Second, I don't think that lawyer could possibly be telling the truth. I saw a lawyer on Friday, and he said that a lot of times these things do not end in D. His experience was that living together was a positive step in the reconciliation process. My WH and I are separated, by his choice, not mine.

Since I didn't want a D, this lawyer told me not to do any paperwork. He told me to go to counseling with WH, pick my battles with him wisely, and do what I could to save my M.

All of the reasons you listed for not D are basically on my list of why I don't want a D, either. All stories are different, however, and each of us needs to make our decisions based on the facts of our situation.

Your willingness to take a leap of faith, after all you have been through, is your decision alone - as is mine and everyone else's here.

You need to pray about this. Quiet your mind and search your heart. No good decision was ever made out of fear. Fear is powerful. It is natural. It can be overcome.

Do not make rash decisions. Move slowly and deliberately. Actions speak louder than words.

Read posts here. Read books. Read the Bible. Talk. Post. Keep yourself open.

These are all things I am doing to guide me in making my decisions. It is all we can do.

SS

The house has never been cleaner. I generally did most of the housework along with my own full time job (engineer). She put much of her energy into her career (and the OM, I see in restrospect). Cleaning, keeping busy around the house, seems to help me think of this stuff less - maybe it's even Plan A stuff, huh.

Anyway, be glad to vacuum and dust your house if you supply the tea, cigars and garage.

WW and I and a friend went to Passion last night (sort of like group dating again). She cried and cried. So did I. Both cried hardest at the cast the first stone scene.

I do pray a lot. It's working, too. She and I even pray together at least once now most days. All during her long affair she often avoided praying with me, and even with our son's nightly prayers, now that I think about it. But we all do now as a family - when she is over to see us. Feels right.

But she still has emotional and identity issues, depression and anger. She admits all this. All the same things that launched the affair. So the vulnerability remains.

<small>[ March 11, 2004, 11:54 PM: Message edited by: Thos ]</small>