I am wondering if any of the BS's on this site have experienced being ignored by friends.

I recently paid my 2nd visit to the church that WW and I attended for many, many years. People who did not know that WW had left me were surprised and offered their sympathy, but in the weeks since those visits, I haven not recieved one phone call or on invitation to dinner or any type of social gathering.

Several people asked about my wife. "Tell her we are thinking of her", or "Tell her we want her back" was what I heard. But what about me?

Obviously they do not know that WW is having an affair. They probably think that it is some silly dispute between us. But, can't they at least express and interest in how I am doing?

I feel like a leper.

Call one of those friends and say this:

"I just realized, you haven't asked me out to (activity) for a long time.

I realize my situation is awkward for everyone ... and it's awkward for me as well.

But here's the deal, I really miss spending quality time with you guys.

Lets get together and have some fun. I really need some fun, and I really need to see my friends."

....... then invite your friends bowling, or to a poker party or to a movie nite.... and just have some fun.

Pep

<small>[ March 07, 2004, 06:20 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I'm with Pep, as usual. YOU be active inviting people out rather than wait to be invited.

But why haven't you "outted" the affair?

<small>[ March 07, 2004, 11:25 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

I hadn't attended church in almost two months. My Pastor and only a couple others knew of the A. But when I did go back and when people would ask about my WW. I flat out told them she left me for another man. I saw utter shock in everyone. Save one lady, cuz I think she knew before me, about the A. This was followed by love and support. I've been invited to dinner, to just call and talk. I even received a card in the mail yesterday.

So my advice is to reach out to your Church family. Don't be ashamed. You did not do this horrible thing. I'm not perfect. My M wasn't perfect. But I'm not the one in an A.

Adultery wasn't a factor in my situation, but after W abandoned me 11 months ago my church family has been a major point of support. I am open and honest with them, without dissing my W or seeking sympathy. They love her just as much as they love me and they feel a sense of abandonment, too. So many of the church women tried to reach out to my W but she rejected all of them. Some have said they will travel with me, to support both of us, to the adjoining state when the judge tries our case next month.

I would encourage you to reach out to them in some fashion. Most are loving, concerned people who just don't know what to say or do for you. It is an awkward situation for them, too. Yes, there will be some Pharisees in the crowd but you wouldn't want their "insights" anyway.

Some people just don't know how to respond to the situation so they avoid it.

In my case, there were those who treated me like I had some communicable disease. There were even those who treated my wife poorly because she chose to stay and build a life with an...gasp!...adulterer!

I have concluded that many people decide to "re-assess" their relationship with you because your situation reflects that maybe your values aren't the same as theirs.

Maybe they aren't doing it consciously, but they're also trying to decide if there is something intrinsically wrong with you that your wife would leave you for another man.

I don't think any of this is any reflection on you, but more about them. Some people will come to terms with it and reach out to you. Others will avoid you in order to avoid dealing with their own feelings and convictions about the matter.

I stayed bitter about this for a long time until I realized that my bitterness wasn't hurting anyone but me.

Low

Originally posted by LowOrbit:
There were even those who treated my wife poorly because she chose to stay and build a life with an...gasp!...adulterer!

Orbit,

I had an interesting convo with my Mom recently...

She said that she and the rest of the family respect and admire so much that Mr. Pep and I were able to build such a strong marriage after the A-bonb.

I was rather surprised, and Mr. Pep was especially happy to hear this.

I think some people might be in a "wait and see" mode.

It's like going to rehab after an accident .... sometimes you're not sure how much function will return after suffering a serious injury.

People might be holding their breath .... waiting for the final outcome.

Time will make you (both) proud of this accomplishment.

Pep

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 09:36 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JustinExplorer:
<strong> I am wondering if any of the BS's on this site have experienced being ignored by friends.

I feel like a leper. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JE,
Yes, my best friend who happens to be my sister has ignored me since Dday #2. Well, we still speak b/c we're family and we have kids the same age, etc. but she nevers asks about us and how it's going, etc. No A talk at all. From Dday #1 to #2 she was supportive and always said "I'm here for you. No matter what you decide to do, I will support you."

Well After Dday 2 and FWH's admittance to the A being a PA, she advised me to leave him. I would not. I am in the process of forgiving him and trying to move on.

Well since I did not follow her advice, she doesn't care one way or the other about it now. Some support! I asked her about her not caring and she said "Of course I care. If you need to talk call me." but I could hear in her voice she was only saying it b/c she didn't want to look like a selfish b*tch. I KNOW my sister and there was no caring or support in her voice. So I don't bring it up anymore.

Together, my sis & BIL, H and I and another couple were always doing stuff together. Now the other couple has "shunned" us, too. We are not invited out or involved in anything with them anymore.

My other two friends will listen and ask how I am but it's not the same as it being my sister.

Well join the club. Everyone in my WH's family avoids me, including the two kids that I helped raise and did everything for. My H says everyone in his family loves me and tries to call me.

So I got voice mail. No calls in the last 5 months. I have called them from time to time, but they never call me or come by.

By the way, I don't badmouth him to them. Everything was fine until I told him OW would not be moving into our house with him, and that I wanted to sell it and get half. Now they are all very critical of me, while whatever he does is okay.

This is one of the reasons I really feel like moving on. We used to spend all of our time with his family, helping them out. That will never happen again, things are too one-way with them.

I can also sympathize with those of you ostracized by the your spouse's side of the family. These are people that I have known and loved for over 20 years and they freely acknowledge their hurt and disappointment with my W, but to my knowledge none of them have attempted to hold her accountable for her actions, neither have they reached out to me as their son-in-law. They go out of their way to avoid me and I have been formally excluded from family functions on their side. It's so strange. My mother-in-law, whom I have in the past been very close to, actually mailed me a curt letter telling me to not get them anymore gifts for birthdays. They live 10 minutes from me and I didn't even get the courtesy of a phone call. I'm the one that had to go to them to tell them my W skipped town and abandoned the M. Now, I assume I'm the animal that caused their poor, defenseless daughter to seek shelter. Oh well, my side of the family and my church family have been my major support network, along with those joy seekers at MB.

So what is the answer? I am not anywhere near reconciling with my WH. However, if we ever do get back together, things will be different.

During our marriage, I did lots of things for his family. In fact, I spent too much time trying to help them.

Since I've been through this, it will never be that way again.