My story

I seriously am hurting today and need some advice. It has been less than a week since my WH moved out, and we have been in contact almost everyday (he has made a reason to contact me every single day due to the kids). I am wondering if I should start to ask that this contact go through someone else (an intermediary), but WH's parent's think this is a bad idea (they think it is wrong to limit his amount of communication re: the kids). But I don't feel the whole silent/dark thing that Plan B is supposed to provide.
Additionally, we of course go to the same church. We have services Sun am, pm and Thursday pm. I really need church right now, but I do not want to see WH. And he has been going (part of me has mixed feelings about this...part of me is angry that he is there, and disgusted by how blasphemous it seems for him to be there because he is thumbing his nose at God and making the choices he is making even though he knows they are wrong, and part of me is happy he is there, because he needs God just as much as anyone else in this world, maybe even more). Should I look for another church? Again, my in-laws give their two cents and say it is a bad idea because kids need their church home, etc.

Is it effective to be in Plan B, and still talk to you WH everyday and see him twice a week?

I have not sent him the official Plan B letter yet because he has not agreed to the terms of our separation (finances, custody, etc) and I am afraid of igniting some sort of war. I was waiting until he acknowledged an e-mail I had sent him outlining these things, but he didn't respond, and when I asked him about it (during one of our many phone calls) he said he wanted to review it because it sounded a little too "legalese." This is something I don't get, because I literally just recapped what we had verbally agreed and sent him an excel spreadsheet with a proposed budget.

AHHHHHHHHHH. I am hurting. I find it hard to even breath in and out. This is sooooooooooooooo painful...and here I am on a Sunday night all alone, really feeling the brunt of all of this, because this would normally be family time.

ChristyV,

Hi. Sorry for not coming to the board, but I get so depressed reading all threads. I just feel like there is no hope. I believe we have to be strong from within first. I am coming to realize that maybe my husband is not who I thought. Maybe I am not who he thought. We got married when we were young, and our church advocates marriage and reproducing (divorce is a big NO NO in the Catholic church and birthcontrol is not an option-sex is good but he is always concerned about me getting pregnant-lack of commitment or what??). We (BS) need to be strong and start a life for our kids and ourselves. I know, what I would like from my husband, but is not only able to give it to me but also not willing to try. He blames me for not being there for him emotionally but I find that an excuse for his actions. I think, it time we rise above this all and conquer something for ourselves, even if it mean loosing our husband. It does not mean we will be alone. By the way, since my WH has moved out, he only comes home to be with the kids then goes his way. He is actually visiting the OW this weekend, so he can see if she is willing to commit to him since he is now "seperated". He wants to see if she is something he needs to pursue, since they are "soulmates". Lets be strong and look out for the welfare of our kids and our own heart.

<small>[ March 07, 2004, 06:29 PM: Message edited by: hblaneinSF ]</small>

My heart goes out to both of you. I married young (19) after dating for 4 years, and we are much different people than we were at that age. However, even though we don't have a lot of common values/goals, I still dearly love him and want him to come home.

Right now I'm trying to do a Plan B with my WH, but have failed miserably at it. Plan B is a NO CONTACT with WS plan. No phone calls, no visits, no nuthin'. I have managed since giving him the letter on 2/25 not to see him at all. Not once, not for any reason, and this is hard because it's the longest I've ever gone without my WH. But he calls me, and out of habit I've answered the phone over and over. He's getting his "fix" and it's never going to help him see who he wants because he still has both of us, although me to a much lesser degree than he had me a month ago.

We used to both go to church, but since he started his A, he's quit going. That would be hard. Does your church have 2 services, where you could attend one and him the other for right now?

If you're going to Plan B, be sure you specify clearly NO CONTACT. I didn't do that well because I was chicken. Now my Plan B approach may have been sunk, or at at minimum has been drug out further.

And ChristyV, I found it hard to breath, hard to eat, hard to sleep, and hard to do anything for the first couple months. It's still hard, but at least I'm semi-functioal now. Because I'm thin, I'm drinking nutritional supplements to try and regain the weight. I pray to God for calm. I also take A/D and tranquilizers and for a whle, was also topping it all off with an over-the-counter sleeping pill, just to get from day to day. I have a LONG way to go, but it's gotten slightly less painful, though still very lonely.

I'm not sure what God's plan is for any of us, but we need to all keep reminding each other that He does have a plan and that He'll never give us more than we can bearl.

LL

Christy, I have a few random thoughts that may or may not be of use to you.

1. Your husband sounds like a cake eater. He wants his freedom, but still wants you to provide wifely resources, especially in regards to the children.

2. Talk to your pastor about your husband's behavior. If he is truly trying to be a believer, then the pastor may be able to talk some sense into him.

3. You are undoubtedly going through the worst time of your life. I know, I was there only a few months ago. Now, two months later, I have stabilized and have started living again. Go to your doctor and get an Rx for anti-depressent medicine. Modern anti-d's are not happy pills, they take the edge off of the depression, just like aspirin takes the edge of the pain of a sore muscel.

4. Get some help from real people. This site is wonderful but is not a replacement for fellow humand beings you can see and touch. I found great help in a Divorce Care group at a local church. These people have helped me to deal with the emotional rollercoaster and helped me understand that this is not the end of the world or my life.

JE

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ChristyV:
<strong> Is it effective to be in Plan B, and still talk to you WH everyday and see him twice a week?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not a MB expert, but what you described above is not plan B. Plan B is no contact. None at all. If you are not comfortable doing this then don't do Plan B. You do Plan B to help yourself, if it doesn't work for you don't do it.

Read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough". That offers an alternative to Plan B for those who find that they can't do it, or don't need to do it, or don't want to do it, but need to do something more effective.

Just my 2 cents.

Thanks Justin. You are right, my husband is a major, big time, professional, class 1, his picture is in the dictionary under Cake Eater, CAKE EATER.

My S came home from the first weekend with WH, and he told me all these little tidbits. He said that Dad told him that "you are a special person, with a good and kind heart, and he THINKS he still loves you." I didn;t react in front of my son, but I was PISSED. This is the same waffling, cake eating crap he has fed me for the past 5 months, so that he can continue to string me along. I don't know if WH "fed" S these comments, or if the kid was questioning him (in his little kid mind, I think he thinks I did not properly diagnose the problem, so perhaps he feels like if he figures out the problem he can help solve it). Anyway, it just amazed me...his manipulation is even at work from afar!!!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 2. Talk to your pastor about your husband's behavior. If he is truly trying to be a believer, then the pastor may be able to talk some sense into him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Our Pastor and his wife (who is a licensed Social Worker) have been providing the majority of our MC since the d-day. They know he is a major, big time sinner, and they have been trying to reach out to him and encourage him to plug into the church and the healing power of God. But WH is a cake eater there too...giving just enough to look like he is maybe going to be impacted by a word here or a truth there, but never feeling convicted enough to take any legitimate action. And they have made it clear that he will always be welcome at the church, so I guess that means I should be the one to leave.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get some help from real people. This site is wonderful but is not a replacement for fellow humand beings you can see and touch. I found great help in a Divorce Care group at a local church. These people have helped me to deal with the emotional rollercoaster and helped me understand that this is not the end of the world or my life.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Great suggestion, and I will get on it immediately. I actually had looked into something like this months ago, but I didn;t pursue it because WH made it seem like he was coming around, going to make some changes, etc.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough". That offers an alternative to Plan B for those who find that they can't do it, or don't need to do it, or don't want to do it, but need to do something more effective. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a lot of respect for Dobson and focus on the family (and his show and featured subject with authors of the books like the Grace of Marriage by Gary Smalley and Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs have come into my life as an answer to prayer at exactly the right time before). I will go to the library tomorrow and check it out.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and give insights. I welcome the honest and candid feedback from all!