That is truly inspirational, but after Wednesday, the things that were said to me, I've soured; tremendously.

This is the very way I've striven to live for the two and a half years since things were exposed to me. I wish there were some ray of hope from her to keep me on this path. But the continued indifference and verbal abuse and neglect have taken their toll, I believe. Dr B. Harley said she is a truly awful, indignant, self-centered, dumb, hurtful, hateful person. She wasn't always this way. But, her refusal to do anything one way or the other, despite my best efforts, has made me just about lose all hope of her coming out of her fog.

Str8

The lighthouse can only shine, not steer. Some captains steer onto the rocks anyway.... doesn't mean you didn't shine right.

All blessings

[quote]

The lighthouse can only shine, not steer.




Bob - talk about shining - your wisdom always shines bright !!

With respect - carnation

Well, if that is what I am in for, if that is the way I have to look at it, I see my efforts, integrity, and perseverance as wasted energy used to not shine bright enough or in the right direction; failure.

I have failed for too often in the important arenas of my life. I have disappointed too many people. I do not want to be a failure any further. Your words, Bob, are meant to encourage and console, I'm sure. But they actually had the adverse effect. They have made me feel as if "close, but no cigar".

I actually feel as if I weren't good enough, or strong enough to make a difference. AKA failure.

STR8

A lighthouse is created to illuminate a path to safety. If a wayward captain chooses STILL to steer onto the rocks, how has the lighthouse failed ?

Know your limitations.

Shine as brightly as you can, but release yourself from responsibility for steering other people's ships.

I feel like a ping-pong ball. Today went better than most of the best days lately(for whatever that is worth). Today, she was nice, cooperative, and even a little fun. She spoke of us continuing to purchase a house together. Not at all what I expected(More ******). Certainly not all I wanted(the response I've been hoping for), but not what I expected.

Sometimes, I feel like she is not pure evil, but has a power struggle going on inside her that, for now, the demons have the upper hand, and every now and then, one of the angels makes ground, but the demons are still stronger than the angels. It's been soooo long of a fight, and things have been better from time to time since this started. I just wonder why I can't get through to her to be able to help.

I almost wonder if she is psychic in a way, or if what I am thinking(no matter how secret I keep it) shows through that strongly. Whenever I get it in my head to throw in the towel(I still let on as if I want reconciliation steps taken, to try and not tip my hand), it's like she senses it and wears different shoes. Does she know me that well? If so, why does she know me better than I know her? Is she reading me and just reacting in somewhat positive ways when she feels her safety net is being taken away?

I know I probably should make an effort at a good plan b, but the only options I have for that plan are so extreme, and would cause so much animosity and pain, I feel it would fatally wound the chances for me ever seeing my "wife"(thanks LA) again. I'm not sure I want to throw the chances of everything I've worked so hard for away.

I guess the crux of this message is "Argggh!"

Crux. Now that's a $10 word if I ever saw one...

Str8

The only way I could manage when my Squid was that mean was to detach and recognise that it was not my wife making those statements and doing thoe things, but a temporary evil manifestation.

Once I expected NOTHING nice or supportive from her, and I didn't require and expect any satisfaction of my own taker from her , life improved immeasurably.

I "let go" of her. I lost any desperation to keep her in my marriage. She could go if she wanted, and I could quit soaking up the hurt and go to plan B any time I wanted.

That was my power. I strongly believe that willingness to quit the marriage is the best card a BS has to initially motivate a WS out of their fog.

When I gave myself permission to quit, I could go on an extra mile.

In fact afer one particularly wilful and pointed bit of spite from her I turned and asked her " why are you here ? Certainly not to build our marriage, if this behaviour is evidence. Look, I want you, but I no longer need you. If you want to stay and contribute to recovery I will do all i can to make it work, but there is no lock on the door. You can leave any time you want if you don't want to recover. I won't tolerate this disrespect for long. Know that"

I could be wrong but I read desperation to keep your marriage in your posts. That doesn't motivate your W to behave more responsible IMO.

Be a lighthuse, not a captor.

being selfish,and mainly posting 'cause I want to add this to my "favourites list" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

but your post was very timely. I was wondering how on earth anyone can go through 3-6 months doing "plan A" activities, for someone that they know is having sex with someone else on a regular basis.

My wife is "only" talking to this OM for the most part. But it's still incredibly tough to stick to just "being a lighthouse" even in that situation.
(since she chose to separate and protect that relationship, rather than working on our marriage)

The separation you talk about, sounds almost plan-B-like. Kinda an odd thought.

Bob, I have never looked at it that way. That is almost a plan b within plan a. I don't know that I have the courage to put it the way you did, for fear that she may take the open door option(she leaves whenever she wants anyway), and her rebuttal to anything I say to that effect can be so vicious that I do not want to awaken that dragon in her when it is napping.

But, the hardest thing I have to overcome; faking being joyful, not being hurt, not being happy that my 'hollow' remains unfilled.

No matter what I have tried, there is no preoccupation that will ever feed my hunger for those simple needs; honesty, respect, affection, intimate conversation, and yes, sexual fulfillment. Those are my most important emotional needs in order; the one's I will allow no one else to meet but her.

You make great sense to me, and I will somehow try to find the strength to give myself this chance to make a difference.

What would you do if you weren't afraid ?

Read "love must be tough" by James Dobson.

Argh,
Thanks bOb, I was searching around the forum trying to find the name of that book, as my mind cannot hold much of anything these days!

For those of us IN plan B, how do you remain a 'lighthouse'? Without seeing H, how does one shine the light bright enough to see? It's only been a few days, so I'm working on TRULY letting go, and accepting that it is time to move on. This is very difficult, as you may know, after Plan A'ing for so long, and hanging on to hope when bits of my H came through the fog. Now, I'm left with no M to speak of. It's quite a strange place to be. I really see plan B as me moving on; should I still even bother thinking or hoping for recovery? Anyway, any insights would be great.

I never did plan B, TI. I'm uncomfortable advising outside my experience.

I guess making sure that your plan B letter made it clear that you would try to welcome you rspouse back if they came back no string attached is the best you can do.

Maybe a plan B wiz can help with this ?

If I weren't afraid...

I guess that would make me fearless. The only true fear I've ever had was involving what has happened.

I've heard an old saying; "A man without fear is a man without hope..."

I know that might not be in context, but it sounded good to me.

If I weren't afraid, it would put me into a somewhat 'perfect' world that will never happen; one where I know how to react to almost anything, and be able to manipulate my outward expressions to get the desired result.

However, I am not comfortable with dishonesty in any form. Alas, this is where my character and integrity cause me to fail the objective. My Mom told me once I was 'too nice' despite the horrific temper I have(and I have full control over it;Stacy has never seen it, even after 14 years). I've also been told I am honest to a fault.

Are these my weaknesses that hold me back from Stacy making a step toward reconciliation?

Bump for other KimmIE!

- Kimmy

^^

By far one of my most favorite threads...

This and the BE STILL thread...

I can't find ANY of my threads..

not the plan a get grounded here...

the be still one...

curses...

I have no luck with this sites search engine...
on the old sites you punch in the silliest term and come up with a gabillion hits...

this one I type the EXACT title and it comes back not found...

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhnhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Bob purse toolkit should have come up easily...
but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ugh

ark

I know.

I tried to find the be still one for someone on another board and NEVER found it.

I finally gave up...but if it ever gets bumped again you can bet your chonies I'm bookmarking the thing!

It's the best one for when you're floundering.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=029805;p=1

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

just bumped the be still thread