Bump

Beautiful post ark...

Should have read it before I posted tonight, and babbled and felt sorry for myself.

Your post makes me want to hold my head high, and let my light shine.

Makes me want to keep being my WH's "rock" as he once called me. Even though in Plan B, he knows that I'm strong, and stable, and still here for him should he ever want to come home.

Thanks.....K7

Gets even harder when WW de-fogs a bit and subjects your behaviour to scrutiny. Hope I'm up to it. Be a lighthouse. Amen.

<small>[ September 07, 2004, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

bump

Ark, wonderful concept that I have taken to heart. It has been very satisfying even if WW doesn't notice. Because W's family notices, children notice and I notice. It is simply trying to do the right thing regardless of what your lost spouse is doing. Rudyard Kipling's poem "IF" has a line "if you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you are a man my son".

I think you are very accurate in the emptyness of the WS soul. I know my W never misses an opportunity to criticise me and I am easily able to attribute it to her A. But when she does it in front of friends and family I think everyone looks at her suspiciously. My point is that it seems to take a WS a lot more energy to justify their actions when the BS is in Lighthouse Mode.

ark -

Well I read this a long time ago. I tried to be the lighthouse, and WH noticed. But in trying to be a lighthouse for him, I got my life in order.

He is still gone, but the lighthouse is shining for others - my family, friends, neighbors, and folks here at MB.

bump for crazy4her and Chuck_5765

...and heck...for all of us no matter where we are <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I reread this for the first time in months and I was so touched.

Standing here now - well into recovery looking back down the poisonous timeline of the past six months I can say thatthis single post encapsulates a BS perfect response to a WS better than anything else I have read.

I have been, and am, a lighthouse in my family's world. Through the storms I have steadfastly marked the safe passage, flashing consistently however storms have battered me. I have been steadfast in my passive guidance, and as others have been tossed on stormy seas of their own making, the safety and refuge of the safe passage lit by the lighthouse must have looked more and more inviting.

At first my kids came in-to harbour and enjoyed the peaceful waters. Then my Squid, tired and scared as she realised the threat of the waves came gently into harbour. And all the time I guided consistently, blinking out my message of reliable refuge, hope and peace.

My loved ones are all safely harboured now, thank God, yet my message has not wavered nor my guiding light stopped. not will it ever.

I pray that the deep, perfect meaning of Ark's post here is made clear to all poor BS as they struggle to make sense of navigating the storm.

And I will always smile knowingly when I see a lighthouse.

Thanks Ark. Perfect. I am a proud lighthouse.

Ark,

This is such an inspired post, you are one perceptive lady! I've noticed quite a few newbies here as of late, so I thought I give this a well deserved bump...It is my prayer that it will inspire and boost the newly betrayeds, in the way that it has for so many before them. Perhaps it may even help clear some of the fog for any waywards that are trying to find their way back home.

I must say that my husband did a near perfect execution of "the lighthouse" in our situation...I'm so glad to be home again, I am so blessed...

Mrs. Wondering

thanks mrs wonderings...

the replies are as inspiring as the post itself..
I enjoy reading them....as well

hope it helps some-bodies.....

ark

this is the single most helpful post ive read so far...at least as far as my sanity is involved. A beautiful bit of writing

bump

ark^^
Thank you so much for reposting the lighthouse. It was wonderful. I'm going to give it a try.

WOW!!!

I havent' bumped this for a loooong time...

slacker....

ARK

bump again....

bump again...

I'm bumping this mostly because I was searching for a post on being very very free in your plan A..

if and when you expect nothing....

I think the whole post was about learning to give perhaps for some in their first time in their lives with NO expectations..

which is really really hard...
BUT the more you can master it in Plan A...the easier your plan A will be..

the less stress you will have in plan a and improve your ability to truly be free in expressing yourself AND in charming your spouse....cause you really don't care about their response...

in plan A you can be
silly
charming
coy
flirty
strong
admirable
all kinds of thing cause you don't really care what they think about you on one sense....


people get so heavy and dramatic and morose in plan A....
that it in the end does the exact opposite of what you want...

you want to get your spouses attention if they expect to come home on friday night and find you nervous and jumpy and staring at them..

GIVE THEM THE EXACT OPPOSITE....

be somewhere in the house trying or doing something new.....
and be happy and upbeat to see them..

and tell them some old memory of the two of you that popped in to your head...(make it a good one and a funny one..)
and then move along with your project...

go out somewhere...invite them..but if they don't want to go GO ANYWAYS....let them sit at home WONDERING

seek joy and peace in the ACT of giving and doing AND not in how they respond or NOT respond...

remove any and expectations..
I can not say that enough...

it is the key to a good plan A...

and always have a date and a plan for plan b..
for this no point in A if you are not willing to go to B

ARK

Ark,

That was beautiful. I'm pringting it out to put on my refridgerator! I hope someday I can have just a taste of the wisdom you drew upon to create such a beautiful metaphor. Thank you Ark.

Peter

early sat am bumb for newbies

ARK

Ark

I don't think I ever posted this.

Squid has told me how she hought my stability, consistency and reasonableness was a trick while she was in her active affair.

How could I behave so clearly when I was so devastated and when my marriage was clearly over ?

When i remained consistently a "lighthouse" after she rejoined our marriage and continued even in non-affair crises, like her mom's long timeof dying, she has grown a whole new level of respect for me.

She told me this.

But also - *I* grew a new level of respect to myself.

if they could feel, lighthouses would be proud and noble IMO.

Thanks ark.