Hi. I'm new to this and hope someone out there can give me some guidance. I'm not married but have been in a relationship for over 2 years. Before the relationship began, we were best friends for a year. I'll refer to my boyfriend as JP.

I'd been having issues with our relationship and vacillated between asking myself when you know you've met the person for you and when you know you should break up with someone. From that alone, it's pretty obvious some needs weren't being met. JP is graduating from college this May; I graduated a year ago, so it's been hard with being out of school and working while he has class, his fraternity and work. I felt neglected and when I expressed this to him he would get frustrated and even hurt that I felt that way. I'm starting to think things would be different after he graduated. To make matters worse, he lives and hour away and I live alone in a city where I really didn't know anyone until recently. In many ways, I was afraid I was dependent on him and didn't really love him the way I thought I should. I don't think that was the case now.

Anyway, a month ago one of my ex boyfriends (who is in the military and stationed elsehwere) happened to be in town the same weekend I told JP I wasn't going to visit. (Visiting every weekend to sit there while he did school stuff got old after 6 months.) I really wanted to see JP but convinced myself staying home was a better choice. I felt bad, lonely, unhappy, so I called my ex (who had left me a message) and said I wouldn't mind hanging out with him casually. I had no intentions of trying to reignite anything with him. Honestly I just didn't want to be alone.

So he came over for what was supposed to be a couple hours but turned into many more. We made dinner (as friends) and watched tv and he wasn't really in any hurry to leave. I talked to him about my relationship and the doubts I was having. My relationship with the ex had been exciting and unstable and during a different era in my life, but I had held on to those memories. While that relationship was not good or feasible long term, I had glorified it over the years and used it as a basis for comparison for my current relationship. I realize now that every relationship is different and better or worse for different reasons. So when he kissed me, I was vulnerable to it and it went on from there until we had sex. Immediately afterwards, I began to cry, kicked him out and took a long hot shower. Then I realized I had to tell JP, my best friend. So I get to JP's house at midnight and wake him up. And he's so happy to see me. And I told him that I'd cheated on him, but without any details. At first he told me to get out but then laid in bed (in shock I'm sure) and 'listened' to me explain myself and how sorry I was. Then he got out of bed, threw on some clothes and left, telling me to get my stuff and get out while he was gone. I did.

The next day I sent him email telling him how sorry I was, how selfish I'd been and how I hoped that he still loved me as much I loved him. He responded telling me that when I came to pick up my car (it was being 'stored' on his driveway) the rest of my stuff was in the garage.

In the meantime, I told the ex I didn't want him to contact me ever again. That in and of itself was liberating. I haven't heard from him since.

The following week was Valentines and I decided rather than try to make myself feel better I should try to help JP feel better. So I made up a basket with beer, his favorite foods, music, a note, and pain reliever and drove to his house that night. On the way I was intercepted by one of our mutual friends, who told me JP was having a guys-only party that night to get drunk. I told him about the basket (he already knew JP had broken up with me). He drove me to JP's house and asked JP if he would talk to me. JP was shocked that I was there but declined. So the friend took the basket and I left. He gave him the basket a couple days later.

The next week I sent JP an email expressing that I was again sorry and how I had thought about the situation and my decisions and the things I'd taken for granted. I also added that I was willing to fight for him. No response.

A week later I picked up my car while he was asleep but left the rest of my stuff. And last Thursday, I sent him email saying that I'd picked up the car, asking if he'd bring the rest of my stuff when he came to get his, whenever was convenient for him. I also added how hard this was but remembering us dulled the hurt. That I missed him and will always love him. He responded that he wouldn't be able to get his things until a couple weeks from now but he'll let me know.

We're not married so there's no obligation to work through this. But I really want to. I know it will take a lot of work and that he can't trust me, but I'm willing to do anything. My friends and family tell me to give him time. It's been 4 weeks. I feel like because I created the situation, I should do something to right it. I don't know if he needs me to leave him alone completely or if he needs subtle reassurance at a distance (email?) or if he needs me to show up on his doorstep as a gesture that how I feel about him is bigger than this. Over the past few weeks, I've had many realizations. Probably the most important being that I want to do what he needs, even if that means ignoring my need to know if he can give me another chance.

Please help! I don't know what to do because I've never been in this situation before and never believed I would be.

~in need of guidance

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Sorry this happened, but this is a good place to be. Start reading all of the information on this site, especially about emotional needs.

In the meantime I would leave him alone. He is very hurt and has a lot to work through. Time to start making some changes in you. That is the only thing you can do right now.

You slid down the slippery slope. That happens when your emotional needs aren't being met. Now you know how dangerous it is to seek someone else to meet them.

It is in your favor that you broke contact with OM and fessed up. Hopefully you will be able to save your relationship. Stick with us.

In need of guidance,

You don't mention any doubts about whether or not you should have told JP, but just in case there are any... YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

JP is too hurt now to realize what a gift you gave him. He may never realize that - he may always look at it and see it as you coming over to slap him in the face. But you were honest, and ONLY honesty could be the foundation to address the problems in your relationship and get to firm footing and true rebuilding.

You can't control JP's decisions or actions now. You can only control yourself, and you are doing a great job of that with honesty and no contact with your ex. I think the advice to read His Needs, Her Needs is a good one. If it doesn't help you with JP, it will help you in the future.

By the way, does JP know you have no contact with the ex?

You're doing the right things. Hang in there and whether or not JP comes around you will be a stronger, wiser, more complete person as a result of this nightmare. Keep posting.

First of all I want to thank all of you for responding. It really made my day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I actually read a lot on the site before posting, but I know there's so much more. I realized that some of the reasons I was vulnerable to this has a lot to do with other factors in my life, so I've been trying to sort through those. Even though it's only been a month, I already feel like a different person. The worst part is that I can't express that to him. I can't share any of this with him. More than anything I'm upset by how much I know he's suffering. If I thought he wasn't, this might be more bearable for me.

I've actually been seeing a therapist since the day after it happened. And my 'homework' this week was to list what was making me unhappy in the relationship. At first, I was frustrated because I'd already gone through that and explained it. Then I sat down and made the list and it was definitely a good assignment.

JP doesn't know it was my ex. I didn't volunteer it and he didn't ask. I thought in the moment it was better to spare any details. As for having any doubts about telling him, I didn't. At first I thought maybe it was even more selfish to tell him, just to relieve my own guilt. But if I didn't, what kind of relationship would we have? How could I look him in the face and tell him that I loved him? I'm hoping at some point he can appreciate that.

His spring break is next week and he's going to Cancun. I'm a little leary of what will happen while he's there, but I guess I don't really have the right to be at this point. I'm fairly certain he doesn't want to deal with me until he gets back.

I'm trying to hang in there, but sometimes I feel like I should do something. That while he may need time, he may also need to know that I haven't given up on him. Obviously I was more than capable of getting myself into the situation, so shouldn't there be a way to 'right' the wrong?

You might write him a letter and let him know that you realize your part in this and are working on yourself. Tell him you are sorry, and then see if he replies.

In need of guidance,

You said a few things that are plain wrong and the most wrong thing you said was </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Probably the most important being that I want to do what he needs, even if that means ignoring my need to know if he can give me another chance.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you read on this site you will read about plan A which is designed for the betrayed spouse to try and get the wayward spouse, WS, to end the A. In plan A the BS often does what you say. BUT, plan A cannot be a way of life.

Why? Because if you ignore your needs it will lead to resentment and that will kill your relationship. A healthy relationship is one where both parties have most of their need met.

In my mind your biggest mistake after thinking as you did about your needs, is that you have NOT gone out and made friends in the city where you live. You have NOT developed a life. That means you were dependent on your JP to meet all of your needs, but he is not there, he is in school, he is still active in a fraternity. HE IS NOT READY FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Continue with your IC, but get a life. When JP is ready to join your life consider it carefully. He has a lot to learn. He is very likely to do some dumb things right now, but remember you are NOT married or even engaged.

If this relationship ends right now will have provided you with some very important information about yourself, and what it takes to have a healthy and good relationship. So sit back and relax. I know you feel bad, but you have and will learn so much. Your future will be much brighter for it, whether or not JP is in it.

So please keep reading here, asking questions, learning, and let JP handle his end of this. It is not his fault that you and sex with exBF. But, the status of the relationship was definitely something he had input into.

Please relax and give this time, and LEARN.

God Bless,

JL