I am seeking help and advise on how to handle my current situation. 3 months ago I discovered my husband had a ongoing affair for 2 months. I was crushed but dearly love this man. We stayed together and worked on our marriage I even went to counseling., but my biggest problem was obsession. I am home on March 5th and found him gone with no explanation. I was devasted! I cried and cried, I believed we were working - we held each other all the time and we were intimate until mid February I notied he would not touch me anymore which clued me in on something happening, of course I asked questions as to why and he always had a excuse. My obsession was driving him nuts and out of my life and I didn't even realize it, all I thought about was me and how awful it was that someone would do something so horrible to "ME" but never once thought about his emotional needs and pain.
He would comment about how he felt like he was walking on "egg shells" and how I would never forget the pain and hurt, but I never thought for one minute I was driving the man I loved away and into the arms of ow. How stupid I have been, now I am trying to get him back home with me. I want a fresh start with no discussions about the situation and counseling for both of us so we can continue our love and marriage. He is scared our boys will never forget and except him back into our home, but they love him he;s their dad. How do I convenice this man I want him back and truly desire and new start. How could I have been so blind not to see the pain and hurt he was suffering watching day by day hurt and comment every chance I got and throw a dig about what he had done all the time. Now I have lost my one and only true love of my life and may never get him back. I need advise from someone who has been through this and can lead me in the right direction. I can't stop calling him and leaving messages, of course he doesn't answer and half the time doesn't call back - he say's I am overwhelming him and his head is all messed up. I just want to hold him in my arms and cry and tell him how sorry I am that I have hurt him by not being there for him when he needed me and my support.
Please someone help me,,, all I do is cry and I haven't eaten since he left on Friday.

Angel, the first thing you need to do is calm yourself down and back off. Quit calling him. Quit begging and pleading. It is a lovebuster that will push him away. However, the biggest reason he left was because he CHOSE to leave. It sounds like he is still having an affair. Is he?

Welcome to marriagebuilders, a good place to be. Luckily you have found this site early. Start reading all of the imformation here. Plan A is where you should be. That includes showing him what a good wife you could be.

Please stop calling him, pleading, and begging. That will just drive him away. Yes it is miserable to go through this, but many of us have been there and will support you.

Read the 180 list that shows you how to change your behavior. When you are losing it, come here and post and we will help you.

Angel, you have come to the right place. I know how badly you are hurting right now. I'm not the best one to give you advice on what to do, because I'm needing so much advice myself. But there are so many here that can give you good advice. One thing I do know is for you to take care of yourself first. I know it is hard, I still can't eat much. Post here, read all you can on this site, read Surviving An Affair and His Needs Her Needs.

Please take care of yourself. Hugs.

To answer your question, Yes he moved in with OW on Friday. For 2 months they had no contact then I could see the change in him mid Feb, then he left. He says I wasn't going to heal and the hurt was killing him. Now he says it's complicated because of all the lives involved meaning ow and her family and children also. His latest comment is " We will somehow get through this complicated mess" how would you take this? Do you think it means he's coming home? I know, the calls are driving him nuts I am sure, I can't help myself, I am dieing inside and feel so alone, he's all I have and depend on him deeply. How do I handle this? Will he ever call me or come home. He said he would come by today, now he sends email saying he's in a conference all day, when he works from home, so I guess that means leave me alone right? Will his being away help him heal? Not if with ow how can he decide honestly when he's living with her and not us? I need help seriously!

Dear angel, i left a message for you on your first post and then came here to talk as well. My heart is crying for you, I'm crying for you. I found out on 2/10/04 that my H was having an A. He doesn't want to work things out because he believes he has been unhappy for so long and that he can't go back. If you want to read my story go to the just found out forum and look at haven't seen anything in my situation.

I wish I could go back and not do all the pleading and begging that I did when I found out but if I could go back I would go back a lot further and do whatever I had to do in order to meet my H needs, because that's why this has all happened, I was not meeting his needs. I had no idea what I was doing or not doing, saying or not saying affected him the way that it has. I can't believe I was so blind.

I have lived in another state due to a job I accepted in October 03, he was supposed to be joining me this year when he graduates from college in may. I had no idea that my marriage was in that bad of shape. We had come close to getting a D a couple of years ago and I realized some of the changes I needed to make and made them. Now he says that he was just so in shock of the way that I changed that even if it was good he still believes I will go back to the way I was. That a switch went off inside him and now he can't turn it back on. I believe he still would have "stayed" with me but he met someone who meet his needs all too immediately and now he cares for her and he says she makes him happy and he just wants me to let him go.

The truth of the matter is that I love him more than ever and I know we can come back from this. I have to keep telling myself that all this time that I have been praying for God to be with me and my husband, this is the way he has chosen to answer my prayer. To make me realize what I need to do to meet his needs, which I was failing so miserably at. I don't have to hesitate for one second to be able to put his A behind us and start a new and become the couple we started out to be.

I have read so much in books, articles, on the internet and this website to give me any kind of insight/training on what I can do because it's all worth it. Whatever it takes for my husband to WANT to work things out. The most common thing that I have read by so many experts and others who have been through similar situation is that you have to stop begging, pleading and telling him your sorry and that you love him. Believe me I just can't understand how this is supposed to help but if so many other people stand by this then there must be some truth to it.

I am still so new at this but what gets me through each day is doing what I can to improve myself or what i can do to change my behavior. The his needs/her needs book really explains this a lot. I also read a book called "the act of marriage." i'm sorry i don't remember the author, it's based on Christian principles, I don't know if you are a Christian or not but to me anything that I can read and put in practice that might have the slightest chance to open my husband's heart to me again is worth a shot. I have also bought surviving an affair by dr. harley but haven't read it yet, I'm still reading some other books. I also ordered a book by Dr. James Dobson on tough love and I've read on other posts that this is a good book.

I feel a lot of guilt about what I have done to push my husband away from me but I also feel a lot of hurt and anger that he could let this affair happen. I still sometimes think I'm in a movie and that this is not real. I've been married for going on 11 years and apparently he met this OW in one of his college classes and it progressed in november to a EA and then to a PA either late november or december. I just have to put any thoughts about it out of my head.

I will never pursue a divorce and will not sign anything like that because I fully believe that in time, as excruciating as it may be, he will have his own awakening. It is painful to think that he is w/her and that he doesn't want to work things out. He says he loves me but is not in love w/me. I'm trying to gleam from this site and other things that I read of advice that I can do. You'll even find things you can say in certain situations. I almost feel jealous of you because if what your husband says is true that he moved out because he can't imagine you forgiving him and living with it, I think that really says something.

I know I've probably rambled on and maybe not made much sense to you but maybe you'll be able to pick up some common themes. You have to let him go to get him back. I just want to touch my husband's face and to hold him but I know that is not going to happen right now. I will be going back to our house in another state in a couple of weeks and I am extremely nervous. I'm afraid of the littlest things that I will do or say that will push him away. But another common theme is that you can't worry about how he will react or say. I still feel I need a script to tell me what to say or do if he says or does this but hopefully the more I read and learn before I see him the more ingrained it will become in my head.

You have to develope these habits and you have to do that by repeating the actions, words which you will learn on how to meet his needs. It's hard for me to accept that when the OW says that she will always love him no matter what, etc. that he can believe it but when I say that and that I will always be his wife that he can't believe that anymore. I have to, you have to, do what you can to be more attractive to him (not just physical) so that he wants you and wants to come back. It seems impossible but it's not. Every time I see one little pound go off the scale I'm reassured I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing what I need to get back to being myself. I haven't been the woman he married for so long.

I wish you the best and I wish you comfort. I don't know if this post will make sense but hope you will be able to take something away. Read everything you can about his needs and what you can to meet them even if you are the only one who wants to save the marriage.

Dear Roughhead,
thanks so much for your reply and it makes alot of sense. I am having such a difficult time with calling him all the time and nextel messaging him along with e-mails, I just feel so lonely and need his hug and to see his face and hear his voice. I am suffering so much inside the pain is unreal. I won't even sleep in our bedroom anymore I've been on the sofa since he left on the 5th. I am trading rooms with my son in order to move on I can't stay in there! I will try not to call anymore or beg, yesterday I did very well only talked with him once in the morning and never called again all day. Today is different, I've called twice and sent several e-mails and long text messages, he has fianlly turned his phone off and told me he's at a seminar today and won't have access to phone or e-mail just to get ride of me. I just need to hear his voice. He sent me a message and said "calm down, we will get through this complicated mess" this am., how do I read this? Yes he's considering coming home or no he's not and we'll move on alone? I am so confused and upset all I do is cry. Shall I talk with attorney since he walked out when no one was home and left e-mail messages for the boys ages 18 and 16 and me. What do I do? I am so very scared it horrible....... I have told him if he comes home I will forgive and forget everything and won't mention a word, new start new voes new beginning! and I mean every word of it. How can I get him to talk with me about our situation?
What can I do? Just Wait forever? He is the love of my life and no one will ever replace him. I may find new love but it will never be as deep and meaningful as my love for him. I am just broken inside but still can't hate him. Doesn't that sound strange? To love someone who have hurt you so much, but I do I'll love him forever. Please send more advise, your story helped me a great deal and all your words. I have several books I read and all helped, one indicated 80% of the men don't break off the affair the first time and I told him this when I first found out and he laughed , now who's laughing me???? Please keep posting!

Originally posted by Angel with no Wings:
I know, the calls are driving him nuts I am sure, I can't help myself,

"I can't help myself" doesn't work.

If you say to your H that his A is ruining your marriage and your family, your H is likely to respond with , "I can't help myself."

If YOU can't stop doing something that is CLEARLY destructive .....

Then how can you ask your husband to stop doing something that is CLEARLY destructive to your marriage and family??

"I can't help myself" .... is childish, weak, and manipulative.

Not so attractive a list, is it?

If you want to attract your husband instead of repel him .... change your voice to a mature strong loving female's voice.

He won't care to return to the marriage if you say "I can't help myself." He will realize that recovery is not likely with a partner who chooses such low-effort tactics.

Only the strong recover a marriage after infidelity.

If you aren't stronger than this .... you are not as likely to get a chance to recover.

Pep

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 10:19 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pep,

You are so right, I must be stronger and show my strength in order to regain my marriage, and you are right only the strong survive. I will change my attitude immediately and keep myself busy until he decides to call me or come over, no more calling or begging. I love this man so much I am losing sense of all values. That's why I signed on to get the help and advise I need, who needs a crying wining women in there ears all the time.
Do you think if I plan hard ball and become stronger and he see's a stronger women he will reply to my or call back?
I am so sick over this mess, all I want is our lives back and him in my arms again.
Help me get this!

You are describing the 'crisis' stage of your problems in marriage. Your H will do as he pleases. But you need to take care of you right now. Please do this...Call your physician, and discuss this problem, get some medication perhaps, and a referral for a counselor to deal with this.

As others advise; when a spouse leaves and does these same things your H is doing, stop calling him. You are not going to get anywhere with him. He is doing just what he wants. You need to get some control, over just yourself.

(I love what Pepperband just wrote, excellent advice!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I am having such a difficult time with calling him all the time and nextel messaging him along with e-mails,

Annoying him will push him away.

Today is different, I've called twice and sent several e-mails and long text messages, he has fianlly turned his phone off and told me he's at a seminar today and won't have access to phone or e-mail just to get ride of me.

Annoying him and pulling at him are annoying.

I just need to hear his voice.

You are needy. Perhaps he is tired of your neediness?

I am so confused and upset all I do is cry.

Talk to your MD and get something for sleep and something for depression. A good one that does both is Trazadone ... 50 to 150 mg at night.

I have told him if he comes home I will forgive and forget everything and won't mention a word, new start new voes new beginning! and I mean every word of it.

"Honey, please disrespect me and our marriage and I promise never to make you feel any consequences of your disrespect."

Pretty weak and unattractive to a man who may feel he's being manipulated by all your begging.


How can I get him to talk with me about our situation?

You can get him to talk when he feels he'll be talking to a strong attractive woman who is willing to stand up for her marriage.


What can I do? Just Wait forever?

No. You get yourself on antidepressants, and spend time talking with your kids. Right now it sounds as if both parents have "left the building" .... and they are left with this person who looks like Mom, but isn't.

He is the love of my life and no one will ever replace him. I may find new love but it will never be as deep and meaningful as my love for him. I am just broken inside but still can't hate him.

Hate him? No, you don't hate him, but you don't respect yourself right now. And right now, what is your worst enemy is:

your depression.

Pull yourself together and go see your physician. You aren't thinking straight right now.

Most betrayed need ADs for about a year.

Pep

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 10:37 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Do you think if I plan hard ball and become stronger and he see's a stronger women he will reply to my or call back?

I don't think you should contact him at all until you are no longer depressed and in shock.

If he calls you, speak briefly to him, in as calm a voice as you can. Then pass the phone to one of the boys. let THEM work on their Dad a bit.

Get to the physician.

Pep

I'm replying to my reply to you, make sense? I am so sorry you are in this place. But as you can see you are not alone. Pepper is so right, you have got to leave him alone and work on you.

I think of my H and our situation as I fall asleep and the minute I wake up in the morning. I said many of the same things you did, that I can forgive and forget and we can start new. I still believe this, we are coming up on our 11th anniversary in june and I have no idea where we will be at this point. But telling him how much you need him and hurting is not going to help.

You want to do whatever it takes to reconcile your marriage and regain his love right? What it will take is for you to leave him alone and work on yourself. Learn how to win him back without pushing him away because it's usually the opposite of what we are naturally inclined to think. We're torn up inside and some of the comfort I have found is that these things can work. Maybe I'm naive and still in denial but I will not find anyone else because my H is the only one for me. I married him for better or worse, until death to us part. If in the end I am still alone, he will still be in my heart. He says I will find someone else but no I won't, I don't want or need to. Yes it is possible but it's possible for him to be happy with me but he doesn't want to believe that either.

He called me within the last hour at work to get some credit card info and for the first time in I don't know when he did not say "hi hon" he said "Hey roughroad, it's WH." that really hurt. he also said that he is going to have to get another car because the one he has is falling apart. he asked if he could send me some paperwork that i had to sign that said it was okay for him to sell the car because both our names were on it. I said okay and acted like it was no big deal. was it okay to agree with this? I don't know. We are still debating on to sell the house ourselves or going through a realtor. with a realtor it will sell fast but if we sell it will save lots of money. I asked him what he thought and he "just doesn't know" he says he wants to get started on supporting himself. Oh how this hurts.

I just have to keep telling myself and you need to keep telling yourself that this is what you have to do to change yourself. Because obviously you were not meeting all of his needs just like I wasn't meeting my H needs. In fact, I'm not even sure what needs I was meeting if any. I guess that's what scares me about letting my H go because "he'll realize that the OW can't meet the same needs that the BS met." I wasn't meeting any!

We're still living in different states (not because of this) so at times that is helpful because I don't have to see him everyday and hurt, hurt, hurt. I am doing everything I can to keep busy and stop the negative, discouraging thoughts when the occur. Be safe.

Pep,

Your are right all my comments do sound most unattractive and weak..... I am generally a strong person, this whole situation of affair and now leaving has taken it's toll on me., My worst enemy is myself, I love this man so much I am willing to do anything in order for him to return to our lives. It's crazy...... I am taking med's again, Zoloft, Wellbrutin, and Xanax for panic attacks, but since the lastest has occured I have cut back, I believe my dependency on these drugs has pushed him to feel I would never recover with them and be strong again., so I am proving the point, I am a strong person who doesn't need alot of drugs and can survive....... and with all your advise I hope to do so along with my entire family. I will never hate him...... I am now taking care of mom, I laid around for 3 days crying on the sofa and feeling sorry for myself, even considering taking overdose of pills - and realized I have my whole world in front of me and I have my precious boys who love their mother dearly, my boys are 18 and 16 so it's been an eye opener for them, almost like a movie of sorts. Keep the advise coming

Roughroad

Your relationship sounds much like mine in alot of ways, you truly love your man also, and think about it always.... that's what pushed mine away all the obsessing and comments about his mistake., Now I am trying to take on a stronger roll and become the women I use to be before all this happened.
Sounds like your husband still has his need to contact you for little things, you find yourself giving in when actually you shouldn't have because you don't want them mad at you right?
I have been getting dressed up each day and looking my best ever, even lost some weight from all this not eating. Taking care of myself is important and I was neglecting that once this happened. Although My husband has made comments that I looked the best I had ever looked in 22 years, then I ask myself then why did you leave stupid????
Take your time selling the house, don't rush into anything, stall him if necessary if you even think for a minute this make all work out. The money from the house will allow him to live a much more productive life style without you, keep this all in mind., let him survive with out that money and see what he does. Capital gains tax will kill you both if you are to fast and don't plan ahead. You think you'll walk away with alot - but after paying taxes it won't be much.
I feel like you I've failed in the needs department. Obviously he wasn't asking and I wasn't giving..... Boy, do I ever realize that now.... It's funny how this needs thing becomes such a big part of marriages now days. You have to stay fresh and fun and spontanous, be attractive at all times and look good, and most of all be effectionate as often as possible.
I am holding onto the faith and praying each night all night he comes home to me and the boys who really miss their father, even as young adults it's amazing how important family is to them, it they didn't realize it before they sure do now.
I have been married 22 years in February, he even bought us new wedding bands after the affair came out so we could start over, but I didn't respond to his emotional needs and pain, all I cared about was my own, now I can see how stupid I've been.
Keep posting, your advise helps a great deal, I feel so much better talking with someone about all this.

Remember you can't change him and you can't control him, only yourself. I thought I was a strong person even thinking that in a remote way that may have made him less guilty about wanting to separate because he knew I could make it on my own. I was so wrapped up in myself all this time trying to make myself happy that I took him for granted and never thought this would happen to me/us.

I have actually been on AD for quite some time and felt they have helped me tremendously. I even went to IC periodically but didn't really talk about it w/my H because I felt it defeated the purpose, even though he asked about what I talked about. In less than 24 hours after I confronted him and made him call her to tell her it was over (i listened on the other phone), she didn't believe him when he told her that i knew and that i was there, I said you better F****** believe and i said it was over between them and he said it will be okay OW, and we all hung up and I started to hit him but stopped because that's what he wanted.

in the next couple of hours i pleaded and begged and told him that it was death til we part and that i didn't want to live without. to prove it and in foolish attempt to make him change his mind, i swallowed my bottle of zoloft pills. as soon as he saw me do it he called EMS. I wouldn't have done it if i thought I couldn't throw it back up but i couldn't and had to go to the ER and have my stomach pumped, etc. I'm a nurse and should no better but I thought that would convince him. Now I think he just thinks he needs to get as far away from me as possible. I was looking the doctors didn't have me committed.

over the next few days I didn't eat and started smoking again and we did talk, some of the most beautiful conversations we have had in a long time. i was saying all the things that i hadn't said all this time and he just kept saying he was sorry he hurt me and cried but he just couldn't go back. I had to leave because of work and that again was one of the hardest things to do in my life. I would have given my job in a second and told him as such but all he could say kind of like an ultimatum, "don't do that."

I'm not going to pursue anything, I'm not going to pursue my H, not a D, not selling the house, nothing and I know I can drag things out if I need to. I almost feel like I'm plotting because I trying to plan the things I can do to show him that I love him and that I've changed. I think if it ever comes down to the D I'm going to make an agreement that he attend a MB seminar and go with the follow-up and if at the end he still wants a D then I would go with it.

I think I'm taking over your thread sorry...this kind of the first real feedback i'm getting, I didn't really get it on my own posts. The whole eye opener thing is so true. I haven't been true to myself for so long and I'm trying to get back to being me and giving more than I take. How extremely hurt and sad my family was when they found out what happened. My mom, so special, just aches for me and wish she could make things better and is praying for us like never before. She even sent my H a card. I don't know what it said. I'm going to start praying for everyone on the forum, I had just been praying for me and my H but you know what the power of prayer can do.
In a ironic way I even think what has happened is a result of my prayer all these years for God to be with me and my husband both individually and as man and wife. Maybe this is what he allowed to happen so that I could finally realize my behavior and change it and get closer to him again, and if those things happen my marriage would work out as well.

You said you love him so much and that you're willing to do anything in order for him to return so stick with that, take one day at a time, and you be the grown-up and support he needs and will need. I'm not sure who signatures the came from but a couple of members have quoted the following which i have written and put up in my office to read everyday along with God can do anything if we believe on him and he is our strength whenever we need him because we can't do it alone. That's not what his intentions were.

"Out of our greastest fears, come our bravest deeds."

"life is a storm my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that strom comes." from the count of monte cristo

Now even though we won't become "men" per se, we have to fight this battle for our marriage and become the women again that our H married. Work on yourself and dive into anything that will help you and your marriage even if it's letting go.

Angel,

My heart goes out to you!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't stop calling him and leaving messages, of course he doesn't answer and half the time doesn't call back - he say's I am overwhelming him and his head is all messed up. I just want to hold him in my arms and cry and tell him how sorry I am that I have hurt him by not being there for him when he needed me and my support. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are ever having problems sleeping, read some of my threads. Along with putting you right to night-night, you will see that I've done all this OVER and OVER, and heard exactly the same comment about my WH's head being messed up. It doesn't work, and I'm still doing it. I am further along in this than you are. I have done even more damange. Find your strength now. (I'm not one to talk because still looking for mine.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now he says it's complicated because of all the lives involved meaning ow and her family and children also. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup, heard something similar to that, too. WH now feels responsible to transport OW and her daughter around. How could they possibly get by without him?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just feel so lonely and need his hug and to see his face and hear his voice. I am suffering so much inside the pain is unreal. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I absolutely, completely, totally understand this comment 100%! That's why we don't eat, we can't sleep, we don't function. And in my case (and yours right now), we obcess, which makes it worse.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My worst enemy is myself, I love this man so much I am willing to do anything in order for him to return to our lives. It's crazy...... I am taking med's again, Zoloft, Wellbrutin, and Xanax for panic attacks, but since the lastest has occured I have cut back, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I assume this isn't the first time you've dealt with depression and/or anxiety. You sound a lot like me. And I've been on and off A/D (I take Celexa--few side effects) and am currently back on Xanax as well. The first thing I would do is NOT cut back on the Xanax. It's habit-forming, true, but if you need it now and you've been taking it and then you cut back, not only are you suffering needless anxiety, but you're also putting yourself through slight withdrawal at the same time. I don't want to be addicted either, but I know that once this all passes and I'm in a better frame of mind, THAT will be the time to cut off the meds--not now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have my precious boys who love their mother dearly, my boys are 18 and 16 so it's been an eye opener for them, almost like a movie of sorts. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, some similarity. I've been married for 19 years and have a S (17) and a D (14). Teenagers are old enough to really see what is going on. It can't be hidden from them because they're smart. And it is tough on them. And I agree--sometimes it's almost unreal, like a movie, or a dream, or something.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that's what pushed mine away all the obsessing and comments </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even before the A, I think this is what pushed mine away. I was always stuck on things and couldn't let go of them until I analyzed them to death.

I'm sorry I haven't really offered you any real advice. There are lot of level-headed folks on here who will, though. Hang in there and hang with them. And my comments were just made to let you know that what you're hearing and seeing isn't rare or abnormal.

LL

Divorce busting 180 checklist is for you right now and asap.

Pep is right. Work on you.

Nobody wants a whiner and you need to look to you for solutions now.

I suggest you find a proper psychiatrist that can get you on the appropriate med...or a psychologist with ability to write scripts...My suggestion is lexapro. Very very good. Patients I see are given this and they are very depressed. Usually excellent outcomes btw. I also took it when I went through this crud. It was good stuff and no withdrawals when ending and it doesn't take weeks to build up in the bloodstream as zoloft does. Xanax is addictive and I suggest being on lowest dose and only when you are having active panic attack. Also, try exercise. When you feel it coming on, get outside, put on music, and run or walk. Relieve this stress somehow.

You lived before you met your h and now you need your brain to get you through this. His isn't working too good now and yours isn't either. Kids need one level headed parent now. if you let yourself get over the edge, he could actually make you out to be the wacky one...Don't give him ammo to use against you wtih all the phone calls, the emails...borderline harassment btw...and that is not attractive.

Do a Plan A for yourself and stick to the 180. It works wonders. Learn how the foggy act and react and you can really not even effectively communicate with them while the A is in full selfish swing. You may look attractive now, but A 's are not all about looks as I am living proof...It's about EN's and if somebody has a chink in their moral armor.

I say do a 180 completely and plan A him. Turn yourself around and blow the lid off the affair and expose it to light of day (not a LB). Find support here but for God's sake...use your head...don't become a victim to your emotions right now ok?

Angel,
how's it going? thinking/worrying about you. Hope things are becoming clear about what YOU need to do.