I think I'm stuck and I realize it. I'm never going to get over what W did and I'll probably never truely forgive her. I've just been fooling myself and all those here on MB. I thought I could take the high road but I'm a failure.

My hopelessness is starting to affect the kids. In my moments of rational lucidity I know that is horrible but in my fits of irrationality that can get triggered by the smallest of small looks, comments etc I plunge off the deep end. I ring my hands, hold my hands over my face and rant & rave. I'm sure that the W will soon be taking kids away from my insanity or removing me. She realizes that it's hopeless as well. She's tired of feeling (check that) seeing my pain.

So for all of those that I've given advice to I'm sorry. I thought I was on the Road to Rcovery but I'm just a big fake.

cwmac

I'm going to tell you what others have told me--breathe!

If I were where you were right now, I'd be elated. You have a marriage that can be worked on. Right now my WH has no intentions of giving up OW, is tremendously angry with me for imposing a Plan B on him, and I'm a total mental basket case because I want so badly to same my marriage and am seeing no hope.

I can also say this, and completely honestly: My WH had a prior A 12 years ago. It took a lot to learn to retrust him (and yes, this one has made the pain come back plus some), but I DID forgive him and I DID learn to trust again and I don't regret taking him back and working through all that. I just regret that we didn't have MB or another program so really didn't work through our problems correctly, and now are back in the same spot.

The pain of an A does fade in time. You never completely forget it, but I got where I really rarely thought about it, and then it was more a dull thing than the sharp, searing pain you feel now. If you still love you W, I encourage you to try and make it work. If you leave now, and find someone else, you have no guarantee you won't go through it with them, too.

JMHO,

LL

Lordsalady,
That's just it I've realized that I don't love her I was just scare that she was going to abandon me.

I'm so so tired of her interpreting my sadness/ depression over the affair into the "angry monster" husband. That's what she'd done for the past 10 years and that's what convinced her that it would be fine to "sleep" with another man.

She told me that she had told OM that she was divorcing me. She'll get her wish.

cwmac

I do sort of understand your feelings. When WH had his first A 12 years ago, I stayed with him for 9 months after it started, then moved out and ended up finally filing for D, more than anything to protect myself financially, but I truly thought at that point that I hated him. However, once he saw I was truly serious with the D, I think he decided what he was losing (at the time he was still in the A), and started pursuing me again.

I would have never believed I could love him again. I didn't want him back. But I did fall in love again (I give that credit all to God).

However, on the flip side, Biblically there is no reason for you to hold onto your marriage if you seriously don't want her back. Because she was the unfaithful partner, you are free to move forward with your life. (See, I knew this too, 12 years ago, and that was what I thought I was doing.)

LL

cwmac,

Frustration is just oozing out of your keystrokes, and I'm sorry to see that. No need to apologize for any advice you've given - I've read your advice and appreciated it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm so so tired of her interpreting my sadness/ depression over the affair into the "angry monster" husband. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FWIW my H does the same thing. He tells me I walk around angry all the time and that he and the kids walk on eggshells. He tells me I brood all the time. I've told him I'm not angry, I'm hurt. I'm sure you've done the same thing and after a while you just run out of ways to try to explain your feelings to someone who just doesn't "get" it. No advice here, just an "I feel your pain/frustration" regarding the angry monster thing.

Everyone recovers in their own way and in their own time. Maybe you will recover with your W, maybe you will recover on your own. Maybe this is just a stumbling block, maybe it is a big turning point. Close your eyes, deep breath.

Your post didn't sound like you wanted any advice, just an ear. Hope that's what I've given you.

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: turtlehead ]</small>

CW,

U R not a fake. Recovery comes in 2 forms: Personal and Marital.

Personal requires just U.
Marital requires both you and your W.

U know the ropes. Persoanl recovery is achievable. Marital recovery can be if both cooperate. If not, then D is the answer but it is NOT a reflection of failure. Why? Because you don't control both sides of the recovery process.

Now as for your encouraging posts in the past, they are NOT worthless. They helped many and we will not give them back. ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Many a good poster here are those that have gone through a D. My respect for them is just as high. Why? Because when they post, it is from a personal recovery standpoint, which is the foundation to all types of recovery.

Now get off the pity pot and get back to loving your children, identifying and implementing your boundaries, work up your plan B, keep posting and helping here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Got it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.