<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

i am ws. It has been over a year and i feel like i am doomed to be saddled with guilt for the rest of my life. At times things seem to be kinda ok but most of the time it seems as though we look at each other with total distrust. She distrusts me for what i did despite how much i try to be forgiven and now i distrust her feelings for me now. It's insidious, the erosion of our relationship. Melts away like a snowball in spring. I can "feel" the distance between us. She doesn't really like being alone with me much. She's ok when others are around. And now I'm feeling the same way. How long does one have to grovel? "well it wouldn't be this way if YOU hadn't...." I understand patience and hurt. But gosh i can't "force" her to forgive me. Maybe a year isn't long in the grand scheme of things... I dunno. Somebody get a flashlight and shine it in this tunnel I'm in so I can at least see that there's a light SOMEWHERE for me to head toward.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by missingmuch:
<strong> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

i am ws. .... How long does one have to grovel? "well it wouldn't be this way if YOU hadn't...." I understand patience and hurt. But gosh i can't "force" her to forgive me.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Grovel?!?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Do you respect someone who grovels? No, you are the one who has to earn back your W's trust and respect. No groveling required.

When she throws stuff in your face like:"well it wouldn't be this way if YOU hadn't...."

How should you react?

1. acknowledge it.
2. recommend a solution.
3. follow through.

Our recovery did not start until the WS in our life resumed his duties as an H. I refused to be married to a wimp (groveling included). Either he be a man or get out of my life.

Do moments of weakness happen? Yes. Is support needed by both sides? Yes. It is the responsibility of both the H & W to give each other support.

If your W feels angry about the A, realize her healing period started after yours. Give her that time.

Have u 2 found a way to bring closure to this issue? Sometimes a symbolic gesture helps. Trigger places and points can be rubbed out together by replacing it with new and happier events.

What are you doing to help rub out the horrific memories of the A?

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She distrusts me for what i did despite how much i try to be forgiven </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you say "despite how much I try to be forgiven", what does that mean, exactly? Can you give us some specific examples of what you are doing? Maybe you are off-target and so your efforts are going unfelt.

Have you read any books such as "His Needs, Her Needs", or "Surviving an Affair"? What are her top ENs? In what ways do you try to meet them? How often? Have you asked her if you're on target?

What have you done to try to regain her trust? Did you write a NC letter? Do you still see the OP at work or community events? Does your W have passwords to all your email, voice mail, etc.? Did you change your phone number, email address, cell number?

You sound like you really want this to work out, so maybe your efforts are just misdirected a little. It's amazing how much effort can be put forth with absolutely no positive results if they're not put in the right places.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How long does one have to grovel? "well it wouldn't be this way if YOU hadn't...." I understand patience and hurt. But gosh i can't "force" her to forgive me. Maybe a year isn't long in the grand scheme of things... I dunno. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Welcome to MB. I am two years out. At the one year mark, I was a lot like you. But I've learned something...

It's your groveling that's keeping you from regaining her respect. STOP IT! Yes, you should be remorseful. Yes, you should behave in ways that rebuild trust (open-life policy).
But, for Pete's sake, stop beating yourself up.
You screwed up a year ago. The only thing you're screwing up now is yourself.

Self-respect comes from recognizing that you are a person with intrinsic value. It comes from making the decision to begin living with conviction and integrity. I know this is harder than it seems, but you can do it. This part has NOTHING to do with whether your wife forgives you or not. You can't control that, so don't try.

Be the best you can be at this point. Then leave the decision to forgive and move on up to her. Be prepared that she can still choose to end the relationship. But if you become the man you can be, I doubt she'll want to.

I highly recommend getting IC at this point. It's likely that you've sunk into some self deprecating thought patterns that will be hard to recognize and stop without help.

It took me two years to discover this. If I had gotten help a year earlier, that would have been one less year of misery.

Here's a real secret...
Once I saw myself as a person who was worthy of love, I found myself able to love my wife the way she deserved to be loved. We actually started laughing together again! Even more amazing, thoughts of the affair and OW have faded away. My affair addiction was related to how I felt about myself! Today, we are doing very well.

Low

Maybe I shouldn't have used the term "grovel". A little too strong of a word for what goes on. You guys picked up on that real quick and I shouldn't have used that word in the literal sense. Now maybe I feel that inside though. Sometimes I feel like I have to keep my mouth shut over other issues due to my "past". That's more in line with what I'm talking about. I think I just have too much on my plate right now. It's like there's no time for my wife and I to fix "us". Between our kids there's always some preverbial emergency that needs tended to. We have five between us (kids that is). In the last year we've had let me see here... my son (living with his mom) thrown into a rehab center at age 15 (he no longer speaks to me), oldest stepson with an accidental pregnancy with girlfriend (later miscariage), middle stepson flunked out of school (now reentered), a custody fight with my ex over my daughter to remove her from her situation (court on thursday), what else, oh yea two car wrecks (kids), throw in a nice new little migrain problem i've developed over stress and a new room built onto the back of our house, and my sister died last month (breast cancer). And now my brother in law wants to move from florida to my hometown so my nephew can be near us... which sounds great but my kids hate him (the kid reminds one of eddie haskel)... OK, so you won't think I'm a "gloom and doomer" here's some GOOD stuff. The boy that flunked out is back in school... doing reasonably well now. He dates a good girl. The oldest stepson with accidental preg is being more responsible, will grad college this summer and will be a teacher. Works now and pays most his own way now. I got temp custody of daughter... final hearing is thurs. Her grades have gone from a 2.2 to all "A"'s and 1 C. Youngest step son just got back from D.C. where he attended the National Youth Leadership Forum on Law. He has a 4.5 GPA and is doing well. And through all of this my wife and i have endured...well kinda. This year has just been a long, long, long, year. Anyways I feel like I'm venting and not accomplishing anything so I'll sign off for now. Thanks

missingmuch,

Did you see my response? How are you trying to be forgiven?

Sorry turtle... I was kinda going on and on and didn't answer you directly. My wife has all my passwords and cell's and all that stuff. She can read my email anytime she wants. Mine wasn't a long termer. Was just a drunken moment. No sex even. Just ("just" is in the eyes of the beholder i assume) some kissing. Wife saw... nuff said. As far as what do I try to do? I just try to live everyday the best I can. I have appologized a thousand times. It's not like I go "out" and stuff. Never have. I took her to a resort recently, just her and I. That was fun. She is having a hard time getting over this. May never I fear. I send her notes in the mail. Flowers... stuff like that. I make dinners for her. (she likes pasta which I am horrible at making) Gosh i feel like i'm trying to "sell" myself here. I have not read the book you asked me about. But we do go to counseling. She kinda (what our counselor calls "greenstamping") builds up emotion then it blows out like a pop off valve on a steam engine then everything is ok for a while. Then it repeats itself. All in all she's the greatest person in the world. Too kind to everyone almost. Anything that happens she takes the blame for it no matter what it is. One of our kids could burn the house down and she'd blame herself for having matches in the house. I've told her this by the way. About myself and the kids too. Maybe you have some ideas about forgiveness that i don't have. I just figured that time would help. All i can do is just try to let her know that i love her and i'm sorry. It's just kinda lonely right now... i guess for both of us. thanks

Hi MM,

I agree with Orchid and LO; be a good, STRONG man for her... give her someone TO respect. She saw you being 'weak' (yikes!), show her you are strong, now. Let her know you are a stronger man than you were.

I know you didnt mean groveling, but the I think you protrayed the correct attitued. And I'm sure you know the opposite of 'groveling' isnt being a righteous [censored], either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . And yes, a year isnt that long in the big scheme of things... too soon to throw in the towel.

Tell her you think you two are 'stuck' at this point, and try something different to move past this. Are you two happy with the MC? You could try the questionairs in on this website and in the HN/HN book. Just something to get the ball rolling again??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can "feel" the distance between us. She doesn't really like being alone with me much. She's ok when others are around. And now I'm feeling the same way. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's obvious SOMETHING needs to change, right? I'm sure she'd like to progress, too. Find something to Shake Up this recovery. I was glad to read about all the Good Stuff at the end of your post! You've got a lot on your plate. Take care of yourself - Dru

missingmuch,

WOW yes I'd say you're doing lots and lots and lots right. I was way offbase with my notions, I'd say.

Uh, congrats on the good work, listen to everyone else, and I'll go read or something <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />