Well I think I have finally done it. My WH told me this weekend he is making plans to move at. Okay, fine we cant pay the bills with one residence how are we going to do it for two? After going around and around for forever, I LBed one after another and have been for a long time. I said so many things because of the hurt and pain. The worst one being "look what kind of father I gave my kids." After that he went balistic, said he cant stand me anymore, I am the reason we are at this point, I havent given a [censored] about anything for the past year. I am nothing but a spoiled b!tch and everything is about me me me.

Okay, I have been out of control and have obessed the past year to the point of insanity. My own fault, should have removed myself months ago like I was told. I am truly a co-dependent. Fine, but its like he has done nothing at all. He even went as far as saying his involvement with other people while living here was not cruel.

I dont know how to be or what to do. He wants to leave but be here in the afternoons while I am at work. He wants to come stay here with his kids on his visitation weekends. This is no different than what is going on now. He says we will stop fighting because we are not living together. Well we are practically not living together now and the way he descibes it, the seperation wont be much different. I think it is time to move on. How do you find your way back after all the things that have been done and said. He truly meant what he said today, I saw his face. I have done nothing but drive him away. This is killing me. All my family and friends tell me to divorce him and are somewhat mad at me because he is still around and I still want my marriage. I am so alone.

NO , there is NO I TOLD YA SO here! NOw its so what ya gonna do with this ?

So another blow up ,, Yep you both had them before and you suck it up ignore one another then back to same old same old.

He says he will leave BLAH BLAH BLAH , He will cool off a couple of days later and bring up some one liner to make you think there is something wrong with you or with him in a deep issue that will guilt you into wanting to hang in there for him ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,YOU KNOW THE DRILL !!!!!!!!

YOU need to show him a strong determined women who will get there life together and move on without him ...

NO more try for PLAN A (JMVHO) to far gone at this point . 180 degrees with PLAN B .

Lisa I understand that you feel alone , but your not open your eyes here ,,, listen to what everyone has said , this has played out the way people here have told you it would .

He is in a FOG he will blame and not except any . That is what a WS does and does it well .


HOW do ya go back after all this after all thats happened , well if there is any chance to reconcile then you will both find your way . There are NO garenties any of this will get your marriage back not PLAN A, PLAN B ect.

But one thing is for shore you need to ask yourself is this the M you want? Is this what ya want for your kids? Is this what you think the best life is for YOU ?

I really hope you get flood of responses so that you can see and come out of the FOG your living in .

Please start doing some soul searching on your own !

He needs help , and you are not the one that can give it to him !

KEEP POSTING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a BUMP !!!!

Anyone who reads please respond Lisa has been here awile and although she is having a hard time "getting it" she needs HELP , SUPPORT,and encouragement !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please offer this to a person in need !

And LISA don't run off .

Anyone who reads please respond Lisa has been here awile and although she is having a hard time "getting it" she needs HELP , SUPPORT,and encouragement

Well here is my help..for what it's worth...

Decide here and now that you have no, NONE control over your husband...and that his refusal, inability and continuation of contact with OW's is out of your hands and control...

that his actions of continued contact speak volumes and volumes of his intentions and therefor it is futile too even discuss or pursue reconcilliation...

SO to survive this and feel good about you ..YOU must get in control over what you can....

YOU must bring and put ALL focus back on you and your behavior and your actions....drop all expectations of him and his ability to dissappoint will decrease....

FIRST decision is that can he realistically move out based on financial reasons...OR is it the absolute truth that waiting three or four months would be best for the safety of you and the children...

weigh those options first...
if he can move out now...go for it...
if it would be better in a few months...negotiate it thusly...

but Lisa you have to
got to
must
should
stop attacking and LBing....not becuase you don't feel these things...but because they are serving no one...they only visit chaos and pain upon your soul...and damage you....

get one or make a big calender hang it behind your bedroom door...and make goals of each day...not to LB....not to do this or that...and try your hardest...even when it is minute by minute....

attempt to fill your home with peace and solace...

believe none of his cruelity...it is coming to the point that neither of you can be trusted not to just lash out and hurt the other out of familiarity...and neither of you probably even remember how to be nice to one another....

You can change...even when it seems beyond difficult..
you can leave the person you have become and don't like so much in the dust...each day and each minute offers you a new opportunity to choose to be the person you don't like..or change to become someone you do...
and i am not talking about kissing his butt...or being overly concerned about his needs...I am talking about you changing your responses to his insanity and not taking on his behaviors and choices personally..
I am talking abouth when he says things are assinine and your old way of response would be one way...I am saying change your response...

learn to babble back if you must..which you must since it is way better than powerstruggling and making yourself look ugly..

no affair talk
no talk of reconcilliation
no talk of you and him..

focus on you..
the children
be low keyed but polite...

if you can seperate now go for it..
it you need to wait for financial security...figure out how to do it..

if you change your focus from believing or working on any type of reconcilliation..and JUST work on becoming the woman you want to be...you may find the small consistent changes you are making and make...may get his attention....

what is your other choice..or options...to continue being a shrew.....
he's not worth the energy right now...

ARK

TY ARK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Lisa people here will talk to you please keep posting , you need to . THIS has been going on for so long all any of us want is for you to take some kind of control over the things that YOU can control .

Why can't he stay with 1 of his OW ???

CALL them , have you done that ? I don't know maybe thats a LB any one ??????????

3,

Thanks for the bump and the concern. It is very hard for me to post these days because I am so exhausted about the whole situation, and I know that is my own fault.

Ark,

I know when I read your post that is exactly what I need to do. Everytime he says he going to leave I fall apart. Why, I guess I am just scared. But then on the other hand I tell him he has to go because I cant do this anymore and I am going to end up hating him. This week since Mon. I have been very distant and only talking to him about finances and the kids. We had a couple of words with each other but whats new!

Financially, no I dont think we can seperate now. I just filed Chapt. 13 and have alot of work to do with that until confirmation. We are still having trouble paying the mortgage, cars, bus. vehicle etc. (Everything in my name). Ark, see my WH has been saying the same things to me about not focusing on the right things. He is expecting me to be incredibly strong right now, when all he has done is made me feel the opposite. This is when I tell him I have a really hard time focusing on what I am suppose to be focusing on while he is in my life. Then he gets so mad and says "stop acting like a 2yr old, I have to be in your life." "Its all or nothing with you." He keeps telling me all he is focusing on is our business and our kids. Well our business isnt doing any better and WH hardly sees the kids now since I work during the day.

What am I doing different this week? Like I said, really havent said much of anything to him all week. I may see him for about an hour in the morning and maybe about an hour in the evening. No phone calls during work, no pages, no texts. I am letting his 3OWomen take care of that for him..they can fight for his attention. Not me anymore. He has stayed out until about 2-3am everynight this week. Usually I go nuts on him, not this week..just went to bed and got some sleep. I am also looking for full time work (work only part time now). Then hopefully we will be able to seperate soon. Today I had to talk to him about the kids and I was polite and concise and wanted to hang up. His response:thats it you dont have anything else to talk to me about. I said no talk to you later. Cannot for the life of me figure him out..I know the fog.

Guys help me through this..keep telling to 180 the best I can until I can Plan B. I need some sanity in my life. I have been quite ill the past two weeks and Dr. is worried about me. Physically I feel this is finally taking its toll. I will keep posting if you guys keep encouraging me not to attack and LB and to remove myself from his drama.

Thanks

Lisa

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BUMP}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Ok I will post as much as possiable , and I will except your position of not being able to PLAN B at the moment .

With that said there still is no excuse to speak to him other then children and some finance . He does not make those desions your NAME is on everything RIGHT?

So 180 is the PLAN for now . MAKE sure that nothing you are saying about going to PLAN B isn't just an excuse for being scared .

OK now the phone call he will always say things like" is the all YOU WANTED to talk to me ABOUT"

Its his way to either first to get you to LB, OR its his way to get you to act NORMAL to him .

See its like they want to FORGET all the disrespect they are doing and cake eat with kindness . MY husbnd when in FOG and I belive wanted to start coming out of it was scared needed to know we could get ALONG again BEFORE he gives up other women "CAKE EAT"

So be careful not to WAFFLE back and forth thinking PLAN A will do any good at this point it won't .

JMVHO!

SO no calls and I mean none , don't make calls that are lame and you know dam well you could have went with out it . ALSO whats the SLEEPING arrangement??????????

PLEASE tell me he has been kicked to the couch !!!

Also that is a good sign , go to bed DO not be up EVER when he comes in , HE will notice that as well .

Well got to go I am on a MOUSE hunt PUKE !!!

BE Strong !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<small>[ March 16, 2004, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: 3isacrowd ]</small>