My H confessed his 3 sexual affairs and 2 almost (foreplay) affairs, (they count too) a few weeks ago. He had these affairs over a 2 1/2 -3 year period, stopping in the fall of 98. They were all co-workers and has since transfered. He told me after one girl was talking about the foreplay and the boss overheard, he was afraid of losing his job as this happened on the job, the others were during "lunch". They all knew of one another and they were jealous, could you imagine! The first affair started while I was suffering from clinical depression then continued well after I was well. 2 were about a year in duration. I suspected and confronted him after I was well, with the understanding of the difficulty of the situation. I would have forgiven if it were just one during that period, but there were 5 and I was well. Am I stupid? I just don't know how to get over the # and the length of this. We are approaching our 15th year of marriage and 20 years as a couple. I'm 37 with 2 children 10,& 7. He is an awesome father and my kids adore him. Some times I think I should try this for the kids, but what about me? I have to consider the option that would do me the least emotional harm, my biggest fear is to fall into a depression again. I know that that wouldn't be in my kids best interest. We are also finacially ruined as we filed for bankruptcy in May. I have a house and a car and no credit. If I divorce I lose that and basically will live in poverty. I know that shouldn't be a reason to work it out but it is an important consideration. I am considering letting im live here and continue to parent our children together, but divorcing him (at least emotionally for now). Is this crazy or do people do this sucessfully? Most of the time I do not want to stay married to him but I think maybe thats out of hurt right now more than anything because it's still so new. We are both in counseling, and he has proven to be very sincere in his remorse and regret ( his counsler belives this and pointed it it out to me)and is more than willing to do whatever I need to get over this. What do I base this decision on? His sincerity and willingness to change or entirely my feelings? Do people who stay together really have a better, more intimate realationship after this? When I think of trying, though, I always come back to the #. It's just too much at times. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Hello Crushed,<BR> First welcome to the board,I am sorry for the pain that has brought us all here, but am so glad we all have each other to get through this mess.<BR> My H has cheated 4 times, he usually says it was only once because 2 times were emotional affairs, inappropritae friendships what ever. And he doesn't consider leaving me and living with a wildebeast an affair, because he left, and the one he had a year ago.<BR> You are in a bad way right now because you discovered everything all at once. You have a lot to deal with. It isn't easy to live with a man who has betrayed you repeatedly, I know, but please give yourself some time before you make ANY important decisions. I will come back later and write more, I have to start my h's supper now.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

I am so sorry to hear of your grief. I recently found out my husband has been with over 50 women, 20 in the last two years. And I too, cannot get over the number. You can see my story in full under the name "broken man". <P>Some initial steps that were refered to me, may be helpful to you.<BR>1. get tested for STDs<BR>2. get counseling for yourself<BR>3. get a book on the topic. I read After the Affair. I highlighted all my feelings in one color and asked him to do the same. That lasted for about 2 days on his end<BR>4. eat, sleep , exercise---it's time to take care of YOU.<BR>5. Talk to a friend<P>Your feelings will run the gamut, don't be ashamed of how you feel.

Dear Crushed<BR>I revealed to my wife four years ago the multiple affairs I had during our marriage. She has now decided she wants a divorce because she can not get over my infidelity and loss of trust. The last affair I had was in 1992. I have been trying to become the type of husband my wife deserves. I hope and pray that she will allow me to give her the love and affection I have towards her.<BR>She doesn't trust my changes. Please don't give up on your husband. People do change and you can have a great marriage. I realize you are in a lot of pain and there are no easy ways to heal or restore your trust in your husband. But I truly believe that this crisis situation is an OPPURTUNITY to greatly improve your marriage relationship with your husband. You both need to talk openly and honestly with each other to find out what your needs are and how each of you can meet those needs. If you still love your husband, which I am sure you do because of the pain you feel, don't give up. Things can and will get better if you work at it. I would be glad to answer any questions you might have.

hi crushed, please go to the thread by broken man. Some of the same issues are discussed there. <BR>I think we add the same way-5 affairs is waht you are dealing with. <BR>My heart goes out to you at this very tough time. I think lots of us asked "Am I stupid?", sometimes we still ask after all these months. Rest assured that it does get better-I promise!! It sure does not seem that way now. The pain feels like it is more than one can bear at times. <BR>Crying is good, very cathartic. Getting angry is good too-but do not take it out on H or anyone else. We all seem to develop ways to let out our anger and pain. SOme of us run, bike, swim, while some beat on hay bales, scream in the car with the radio on, etc. When things are just too much, you need an outlet. I like to exercise til I am almost gasping then I try to meditate. Sometimes I just get online and b**** instead of any of those things!! Find something that works for you.<BR>Your marriage can thrive and be better than it was before but it is a lot of work! <BR>(((hugs)))<BR>

Crushed, <BR>I feel your great pain. I can relate to the multiple affairs. My W has had eight by my count. There may have been more. She won't confess to any beyond the ones I have conclusive evidence to back my accusations. I know it hurts. She is currently sleeping on the bed in our couch. She never says she loves me. She doesn't like me telling her how I feel about what she is doing (I feel like she is bleeding me dry.) Yet, I love her because she is God's gift to me. That is how I am surviving. God is helping me through it all. He sent me here and everyone is indirectly helping me because most of the help comes through my lurking. Most of my posts are to encourage others with an ocassional what do you think to help me get over a stumbling block.<P>Vent here, it helps immensely. We have loving shoulders to cry on. MONDO HUG!!! You and your family are in my prayers.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>