Last night my H and I separated, for a short time, to get things sorted out. I am the WS, and I had come clean about an A that I had had 2 years ago. After reading Torn Asunder, I realize that it was more of an emotional one. Nothing much physical happened, but it was dishonest nonetheless. I had come clean almost 2 months ago. Since then, we've been in sort of a limbo as my H says he loves me but he's not sure he wants to be with me anymore (and he has the right to make that decision, I know). At first, I said I wanted to work it out but lately I have been doubting my motives for that. I do love and care for him, but I want to make sure that I want to stay in the marriage and make it work for the right reasons. Some days I'm afraid I was only saying that out of fear - either the fear of loss, financial fear, etc. Obviously we had problems before any of that happened, and I know I need to change things - the hard thing is that he doesn't or won't acknowledge that he has any faults in the marriage. He justifies everything he does back to me somehow.

At any rate, last night he left so we can be apart for a little bit so we can both have time to really think about what we want. I have scheduled an appointment for tomorrow night with an IC for myself (H had indicated he didn't want to seek MC), and I'm looking forward to actually having someone to talk to. The past few months have been excrutiating and at times I feel like I'm going to explode.

I am wondering does anyone have any experience with this (separation) where it ends up being positive? I am so confused and lost right now, I don't know what to do. I also have to think of my 3 children (from a previous marriage) and how this all affects them as well. Please help.

Hi, ETG, and welcome to Marriage Builders.

I haven't been through a separation but I've certainly considered it. I'm sure some other veterans will chime in with their observations about separation, but in the meantime I thought I'd make a couple of observations about your situation.

It is very early for you two yet. Two months, while an eternity in many respects, is not that long in the grand scheme of things. Your H is understandably hurt beyond his comprehension; he doubts you, his own judgment, everything in his world right now. He's *going* to lash out at you, just because he's so deeply hurt. Let him do that, because it's a part of his healing. Don't pooh-pooh it, because it's very big and very real, but at the same time don't take it as an indicator that everything is over, either, because it's not.

You say that you want to make sure you're staying for the right reasons and not out of fear of loss or finances. You say there were problems before the A and he won't acknowledge that he has any faults in the marriage.

Now, this is a written medium and quite prone to misunderstandings at time, so if I'm totally off-base please forgive me and clarify what I've misunderstood.

It seems to me that you're looking for excuses not to work on the marriage. Staying and working is harder than cutting out, and maybe you don't want to do the hard work. Deciding to work on the marriage is risky - what if your efforts result in failure? So *really* deciding to work on the M is a big step to take.

Of course there were problems pre-A, and of course he contributed. You know what? You can't MAKE him see his role in all this. You can only learn about how YOU contributed, and how YOUR actions were inappropriate, and improve YOURSELF. Just like he can't fix you, only himself.

The way I see my own situation is that I'm going to have to fix me anyway. Lord knows I don't want to repeat THIS again. So I can do my fixing with the help of my H who has his own insights and contributions that could help my healing, or I could go out on my own and try to heal all by myself. I think that for now staying offers me a more complete healing opportunity.

Your H's reluctance to admit any fault, and his tendency to throw everything back on you are probably efforts to protect himself from further hurt. Big safety walls going up right now.

What are you doing to make him feel like you are trustworthy? What do you do to show him he should put his heart out there again without being petrified that it will get smashed? I know the A was two years ago and for you it's history, but for your H it is very much part of the present, the here and now.

Have you totally ceased contact with the OM? If not, write a NC letter, have your H approve it, and mail it together.
Have you changed your email address, phone number, cellphone number, etc.?
Does your H have passwords to email, voice mail, etc?
Does your H have access to all financial records?

You could begin by offering all those things and whatever else you can think of to show your H that you are willing to make a safe environment for him. Then give it some time, and continue reaching out to him gently, and when he begins to trust your sincerity he will probably relax and open up just a little.

Thanks for the insight. I do realize it's hard work to make the marriage work, and you're right, I have to work on myself. To that end, I'm starting counseling tomorrow night for me. I really do need to find out who I am and who/where I want to be.

As for showing him I can be trustworthy, I feel that I am taking every possible step that I can to do this. He has full access to our home e-mail and I have given him my password for my work account so he can check it at any time, which he does. He has access to everything you mentioned. Also we drive to work together every day (he drops me off at work), we have lunch together every day and then he picks me up again. (Note: It's been like that for a while, even before the A). I don't usually go anywhere or do anything without him. If I do happen to go out by myself, I make sure I call him when I leave, call when I arrive somewhere, and always call when I leave one place to go to another (i.e. if I'm out shopping). If you can think of another way that I can show him I can be trustworthy, I would love to hear it.

As for the OM, there has been no contact whatsoever since it ended 2 years ago. And quite honestly, I haven't had any urges to initiate contact again. I put it behind myself, and I know it will be a while for H to do that as it is still fresh for him. I understand how he hurts right now and please don't misinterpret my feelings as pushing him to "get over" his feelings. I know he needs time, which is why I thought that a short separation for both of us to use to really think things over would be beneficial even more so to him. Like I said, I'm going to see a counselor. I only hope that he would, too, to at least have someone to talk to, but I know I can't force anything.

ETG, I'm new here so I'm no expert but I am also ww and can tell you my story. I had a short a with a co-worker that lasted 2or 3 weeks.It is about 3 months since d day. When my h first found out he left and has only recently come home. My h said that he needed time decide what he wanted to do. I desperately wanted to work things out and did not want a d. I was so afraid that he would never come home. I begged and pleaded with him to please come home and try and work it out. When I look back now I think it may have been better that we were apart for the first few months. My h was so enraged and I think if he had to look at me everyday it would have made it worse. I think everytime my husband saw my face he wanted to kill me. I know he would never lay a hand on me but I'm sure he had fantasies about doing it. Some time has pased and although he is still mad and hurt the situation has calmed down enough that we can now beging to try and rebuild or marriage. I dont think that in the first month it would have done any good for us to be together. This is my situation and I have read on mb that most people first recommend not seperating. I think it depends on your situation. Like I said my h was so mad that just seeing me he wanted to punch a hole in wall so being apart was better. I'm not sure if your h is as mad as mine. Please dont get the idea that my h is violent he has never hit me or anything he is just mad. I also think that men may react different that women. In my case I think that my h felt like if he didnt leave he felt like less of a man and his pride was hurt. He still says that he sometimes feels like a total sap for even talking to me. I'm sure your h will come back he is just hurt and angry. Just do your best to show him that you will do anything to gain back his trust and rebuild the m.It will take a long time but it will be well worth it. Also I think that it will take a time for your h to see his faults. Be as loving and undertanding as you can and avoide lb. Good luck.