Hi everyone, I'm new and need help or just some support. I wasn't sure where to post this or where to begin. I am a married women and have acted dishonorably. I had an online romantic affair with a man but it ended in November, we never met in person but the affair lasted for six months and was intense with words of love. I wish I could say I ended the affair because I was married but I didn't. The man ended the correspondance and hurt me so horribly, I have no idea why I let something like this happen but I do know I have been weeping/depressed since November. I realize I totally deserve what happen to me. I had no business doing what I did. I wasn't looking for it. He just came along and it happen.

I have been trying very hard to find my way back to my husband since this happen and have been really reflecting on my life and marriage. The pain has been so awful that I find it difficult to get on with my everyday tasks.

I sometimes wonder if I did marry the wrong person. Why do I find myself attracted to other men? I feel like such a scarlet women! I have been married for nearly 18yrs and I don't want to give up now, I have three childern to worry about.

I'm trying to mend a broken heart as well as put my marriage back.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair"?

No Martin I haven't. I've frankly been to trying to do this on my own and finding I can't. So far I can see that this was a perfect site for me to come to.

Scarlet, this is so sad. Do you really feel that you married the wrong person or are you still in the fog thinking about the other man? Is he meeting your needs or is he neglecting you? The solution to that is to be honest with him and tell him in a non-confrontational way what you feel. You had an emotional affair that did not become physical. It is still an affair and you recognize it. That is important to call things as they are. Do not feel depressed over losing the other man. It is clear he was just playing with you as many do and do not think about the damage they do. You need to be honest to your husband and find what predisposed you to act as you did. If you do not find the reason, you may be susceptible to fall again. To cure a disease, you need to know what is making you ill.

SG,

There are several good books for you to read but Surviving an Affair is really good. It will blow your mind.

Also read the articles around this site. The Q&A section with Dr. Harley. You will learn alot. I must go as I have an appointment, but there things YOU can do to rebuild your marriage, but I must warn you one of the basic tenants of this site is "radical honesty". Please read the article on that.

You will get more feedback, keep posting and asking questions.

God Bless,

JL

scarlet,

PLEASE get off the internet. I wish I had found this site and gotten help when i was just in your shoes, only an online relationship.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He just came along and it happen. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How did he just come along? chat room?

if that is the case, you werelooking for it and you are best served if you are forced to face that fact.

This was how it was for me anyway. please tell us more about what your situation was like and additional feedback can be given.

Welcome, "Gurl"

I intentionally left out the "Scarlet".

I don't see someone who is still involved in their affair. I see someone who is remorseful and repentent. You are no longer a Scarlet Woman.

Why do you think you turned to the internet guy? What did he give you that you weren't getting from your H?

You'll get a lot of advice here to tell your H. That's entirely up to you.

But I'd certainly recommend that you buy His Needs, Her Needs and get to work shoring up your relationship with your H.

Oh, BTW...trash the chat programs...no Yahoo, no AIM, no Messenger, no ICQ.

Only use the phone for immediate communication and email/snail mail for everything else.

Low

Thank you everyone, first of all I met the guy in a Catholic-convert message board as I am a Catholic or soon will be and no I was not looking for it, I can honestly say that. I thought I was happliy married to be frank. I agree that something is wrong in my marriage however for me to fall so easily. As far as chat rooms, instant messagers I have given all that up durning this time of Lent and will probably not go back as it was only hendering my healing process. I found myself trying to replace this guy and causing myself more pain. I couldn't move on without giving up all contact on the internet. I had actually given up message boards as well until I ran across this site.

Second, my husband does know about what happen but I don't think he really sees the seriousness in this but knows I am trying to find my way back. I don't think he really believes that I fell inlove with this man and that my feelings were very serious. He doesn't take what happen that major. I think we need marriage counseling and he has agreed but I don't know, he just doesn't get it or maybe I don't.

The affair is over as I said this man ended it, I wish I could take the credit for it as it would make me look less of an [censored] but there it is. The sad thing is if this guy hadn't ended things I would still be involved with him and possibly making plans to meet up.

I don't know, I am still in a fog trying to sort it all out. I have such great days and feel like I'm getting back to normal and that I have feelings agian for my husband and then suddenly I go online read old emails which is stupid and cry. Or sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic that I've lost this guy again and it comes back.

I just pray that I do love my husband and will somehow realize this and that we can work things out. I swear I can't remember feeling this intense about my husband like I did this guy. What is wrong with me?

Btw, thank you for the book suggestions. This is a good time for me to read and reflect as I will be off work thru the rest of March and most of April.

You guys are great!

low Orbit, you asked a good question about what this guy gave me that my husband didn't and I don't have answer for you. I wish I did. I know he had a confidence that was so attractive which my husband lacks and I have talked to my husband about this but at what point do you go too far in trying to change the person your married too? Why would he want to be married to someone who finds too many flaws in his personality? how fair is that? shouldn't he be with someone who truely loves him for him? God, I don't know..I'm just rambling now.

gurl

Go to your computer and delete all of the e-mails you exchanged, and don't read them anymore. If you printed them, burn them. As long as you keep them, and refer to them, you are keeping the affair alive in your mind.

By reading other topic on here, you'll soon learn that No Contact is critical in getting an affair moved into your past, giving you the opportunity to move into the future you shape for yourself.

People here are real, and have been there, done that. You'll get great advice here, so stay onboard and keep posting.

Good luck!!
SD

Scarlet Gurl (hey, I'm SG too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )-

The fact that you are here is a good sign that you want to heal and work on your M. If you go back and read some of my emails, even from just a few weeks ago, I was pining away after OM pretty intensely. Then I was given great advice by a poster to openly say the words "He is not my concern anymore" anytime thoughts of OM came into my head. I Chose to do that and it helped tremendously. I also FINALLY chose to close my email account and to close my voice mail account. These were hard things for me to do because I wanted to know that IF OM ever wanted to contact me he would have a way. But, once I finally severed all possible ways for him to contact me it was a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. I no longer was constantly checking for emails or voice messages from him and it felt good. Delete those emails, they're only going to hurt you. Any time a thought or memory of OM comes into your head, don't dwell on it. Acknowledge that it's there but don't sit and let yourself reminisce or remember details; eventually it'll get easier I promise.

The other thing that helped me (because I, too, initially wondered if I had maybe married the wrong guy) was realizing the love is a verb. That means that you have to actively love someone. You have to go out of your way to show your H that you love him. Show him by doing little things for him or with him, it'll make your "in love" feelings for your H come back alot faster.

Read the books that have been suggested and keep posting here, it'll help you to understand that you're not alone and that your situation isn't any different than the thousands of others here. Take care and be strong.... delete those emails.


SG

So, you're currently doing the RCIA program?

I completed the program myself 9 years ago.

Let us know when you get baptised/confirmed.

It's a trip!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> low Orbit, you asked a good question about what this guy gave me that my husband didn't and I don't have answer for you. I wish I did. I know he had a confidence that was so attractive which my husband lacks and I have talked to my husband about this but at what point do you go too far in trying to change the person your married too? Why would he want to be married to someone who finds too many flaws in his personality? how fair is that? shouldn't he be with someone who truely loves him for him? God, I don't know..I'm just rambling now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you told your H that you've noticed this in him? Have you asked him how he really feels about himself?

It could be that you have an opportunity to really deposit love units through respect and admiration. If he does something you admire, tell him it makes you feel good (Sex is always an effective reward for a guy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). Odds are you'll start seeing him do it more often!

As far as finding fault and changing him, you have to change your focus of change from him to YOU. YOU should look for ways to build him up. Look for ways to celebrate his strengths so that the faults fade from view. YOU CAN'T CHANGE ANYONE BUT YOU!

I think you do truly love him but have fallen into some relationship traps that you perceive as irreparable problems. They're not.

Also, you ask 'Why would he want to be married to someone who finds too many flaws in his personality?' Maybe because he loves you? You can't decide this for him...it's not your place. Besides, we've already discussed that you don't have to live the way you described.

Statements like these are often a kind of reverse cop-out; You think you're being noble by saving your spouse the grief of being married to someone who's not happy with them. You're trying to let yourself off the hook for the state of your relationship by playing the old 'I'm not worthy' card. Doesn't wash. Stop thinking like this and get to work on the HNHN book.

Low

Thank you so much, everyone! Shattered believe me I have thought of deleting everything and I will, I just haven't been brave enough to go for it. You are so right I can't keep refering to them. It's a horrible cycle. I keep obsessing on it and I'm sick of feeling like this.

Thanks SG, I wish I wasn't pining away but to be truthful I am having more good days then bad now and the pain in my gut is not nearly as bad as it was a month ago, so there has been improvment. God, I do find my mind drift on the OM and I try to stop it but it's so hard. I keep dwelling on what was and why the OM did what he did and does he have any idea just how much he hurt me?? I realize you will say it doesn't matter and it' doesn't in the long run but it just hits me at times. Btw you guys are using alot of OM SW and such what does all that stand for? I figured out OM meant other man. Sorry a little slow here lol! I plan on picking up a few of the books suggested here asap!

Pepperband, thanks. I am very excited about my conversion. I think it's the one thing that does give me peace in all this crap.

Low Orbit, I hear what your saying about reverse cop-out. I can assure you I do not feel noble with that statement nor do I feel I'm playing the "I'm not worthy card" this in no way gets me off the hook, since you don't know me that well yet please refrain from making quick conclusions about my intent with a statement. I do understand what your saying and can see how you might read it in that way but realize that if roles were reversed I would NOT want to stay married to someone who treated me this way. Yes I would try and work things out as I'm sure my husband will want to but knowing what is in my mind at this point in time, god I wouldn't want me. You are right however he does love me and loves me like no one else ever has and that is a good starting point. The ideas you have brought up about building him up are very good and I have been trying to do just that very thing. But at the same time he lacks self-confidence and has since we met, I have been trying for years to get him out of that crap and he still does it. I've told him this and he still gets in this self loathing self pity crap and it drives me crazy. I really believe it's one of the many issues that we face in trying to fix our marriage.

You guys are all great and making alot of sense! thank you!!!

E-mails equal contact with OM. Highlight, delete, gone. No reviewing beforehand, just do it. It's a part of withdrawal...no better time to start than RIGHT NOW!

Read about Marriage Builders and learn what will be necessary to rebuild your marriage. Purchase Surviving an Affair. It's a great roadmap to follow. It will explain many things that you might not fully understand about yourself, your relationship, and how to get through this successfully.

You are in my thoughts

SD

Ooops...

When I said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Only use the phone for immediate communication and email/snail mail for everything else.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn't mean it was ok to communicate with the OM using these media.

Don't communicate with the OM - AT ALL.

Low

Hey thanks you two, I understood what you meant low orbit, it's ok as far as contact how it ended was him saying he wanted to keep things at this "deep level" meaning friendship blah blah and I went along with it thinking in my mind at the time that I could handle that but after a few attempts on MY part to send emails and the way he wrote back and spoke to me ripped my heart out so I decided to just be honest and wrote him a note last month stated I could not be his "friend" not with my feelings still so strong for him. I need distance at lots of time. Well, after weeks have past I'm thinking now that I will never contact him again. For advious reasons as I'm seeing more clearly now, no contact is best. I'm lieing if I said I could be his friend. Maybe he longer has romantic feelings for me but I sure do about him, so how the hell does that work? I don't think so. The more distance the more clairity.

scarletgurl

Now that you've made the decision to end the A, it really doesn't matter at all how he feels, does it?

You will realize soon enough that all the feelings you shared were more fantasy based than real. How can "true love" be based on secrecy, deception, and false premise? The difference between your love for your spouse and your feelings for your A partner, are the difference between a real rose, and a fake one bought at the Dollar Store.

I don't know that anyone has suggested getting a copy of Surviving an Affair, but you should do that and read it cover to cover as quickly as possible. This book is Pro-marriage, and will give you a roadmap on how to survive the A, and improve your marriage, to a level better than it was pre-affair.

Your instincts for No Contact are spot on. Follow your gut on that one. Never accept, nor initiate contact with OP again, and that will be a huge step in allowing you to reconnect with BS.

You are not a bad person, you are a great person who made a bad decision. Your life is not over, it is just beginning. You have the power to make decisions from here on that will positively impact your life. Get the book, read it, and get busy!!!

You won't regret it!!

SD