Sunday was 4 weeks post d-day. The first 2.5 weeks were hell. My H was still very deep in his 'fog' and I was sure that D was right around the corner. H stated NC (personal contact, anyway, A was with his boss so buisness contact still occurs) but was lying (not only to me but to himself also). The last week and a half we've both been focused on the same goal which is to work through this and rebuild our marriage.

At 3 weeks I contacted OWH and informed him of the A. Thank you all (especially sss) for not giving up on me when I didn't follow your advice from the start. Contacting OWH was the turning point for us. It forced their hands and it forced OW to face some responsibility for her actions. It was a huge burden lifted off my shoulders and, while I have not spoken to OWH since that night, I know that he is 'watching' on his end also.

I'm starting to realize that my H's A was not about hurting me and we're both realizing that his feelings for the OW were not real but just a 'fog'. My H has started to see my true feelings for him and his for me. We're both able to see how the OW was able to manipulate their 'friendship' to meet her needs and how she convinced him that my feelings for him were not sincere (yes, it takes two to tango and yes he made the conscious choice to have a A so he is by far not innocent, but had she not put the opportunity there and had she not convinced him he had 'motive' I don't think he would have pursued her or anyone else).

My H has apologized for hurting me. He has admitted that the A was a mistake. He denies continued feelings for OW and states he is committed to me forever. He says he loves me and is confident that we will get through this. He says he will make this up to me and will make me happier than I've ever been. Words are easily spoken so I'll take some time to mention his actions. My H comes home from work at a reasonable time now. He does not work from home in the evenings or even check his messages. Weekends are about me and our children and don't include any contact with work. He spends quality time with our children every day. While we haven't reached the 15 hours that MB recommends, we are spending a lot more time together appreciating each other. He is starting projects around the house that, when completed, will make life easier for me. He is taking on more care of the kids and has done a few 'domestic chores' (these two things are not high on my ENs list but he says that when he helps out it makes him feel like we're a team again. Knowing why he does them gives them more meaning to me). My H is taking more time out of the day to appreciate me (hugging, touching, kissing, commenting on my looks...down to a size 6, thanks to this situation, and splurged on a new wardrobe so no more 'frumpy mom' look). A few gifts have been brought home for me (again, gifts are not important to me but knowing that he's thinking about me when he buys them is) and today, while I was out at the dr with our D, my H wrote 'sweet nothing' notes for me and put them throughout the house where I would find them easily. My H calls me daily from work just to say hi, has closed several email accts he used to contact OW with and has provided me with passwords to the accounts he still has.

Okay, so while things sound wonderful, I know that we still have a long way to go. My H seems to have 'recovered' from this quickly (too quickly? still some 'fog'? I don't know. It's pretty typical for him to 'move on' quickly in other situations but what about the withdrawal everyone talks about?). I still have nightmares about them together and I still have very strong visions of the two of them together (remember I read all the emails where they detailed their time together). Sometimes when he touches me I cringe inside. I feel like he's touching her and I'm a fly on the wall watching. I still find myself asking, "did he do that with her?" "did he like that about her?" etc. I try to bite my tongue and not say what I'm thinking but sometimes I do slip. I am not wearing my wedding band (I've worn it every day for 10 years) or the earrings my H gave me (I have worn them every day for probably 5 years or so). The pain is still so real for me and, while I know that I am so much better than the OW, he went to her over me for awhile and that just hurts so much.

Last night we talked some more and I brought up the topic of the NC letter (that still hadn't been written). He claims he's verbalized 'NC' but admits that he's never said the A was a mistake or that he loves me to her just that he wants to try to work things out with me. Last night I asked why he was so worried about hurting her feelings by saying these things to her when he doesn't seem to have any problem hurting me by not saying them to her. He promptly left the conversation and wrote the letter. I read it and made some rewording suggestions (didn't change his context). He sent it and I have a copy. He said I was right and that he was hesitant about sending it last week but knows that it is important now.

As I reread this post I think 'too good to be true'? Is it possible that this much progress can be made in such a short amount of time or have I just started living in my own 'fog'. I know I love my H and I know that he loves me. That love was buried for a bit but I know it's still there. He was a monster for the 4 months that he was with the OW. He wasn't able to fake feelings then. Truly, I don't believe the problems in our M were bad enough to have led to this. I asked my H the other day what he would do if he could turn back time. He said he would have come to me the instant they 'crossed the line'. I asked him why he didn't and he said that he didn't think our M was strong enough but he now realized that it was/is.

I'm hopeful about our future but I wonder if I'll ever be truly happy again. Will I ever forgive? Will I ever trust again?

On a side note, if anyone has any suggestions...my H and I don't have any time out of the house alone together. We have recently moved to a new area and don't know anyone who can watch our children for us. Does anyone have any unique suggestions on ways to make time at home (after the kids go to bed) more exciting. I'd love to fill my H's LB by planning a few unique and unforgetable evenings for him.

Thank you to all of you for reading my post, for offering your suggestions and for helping me through this past month. Without you I don't even want to think about where I would be.

Wow...this could have been me and my H at one mth past dday! Feel free to look up some of my posts adn my H (tellthetruth) from 12/02, 1/03 and 2/04...you'll see some similarities.

My H also came out of fog quickly. By the time we hit the 1 mth mark there was no fog left. He realized the sham of his "relationship" with OW, saw her true colors, realized how much he still loved me, etc.

We were both reading all the infidelity books, doing all MB reading, doing EN's questionnaires, counseling with SH, in IC and MC...we were teaming up on our recovery. It was a horribly painful few months (still have occasional bad moments) but the key was we were back on the same team. We were both committed to doing whatever it took to recovery and to understand how this happened to us and to prevent it from ever happening again.

Once I was able to overcome my panic, anxiety attacks, obsessing, etc...we finished the last recovery steps.

I truly feel we have better, stronger relationship now then ever before...this wish we could have gotten there a different way!!!

How I envy both of you. How did you get your H to come out of FOG. I am Plan Aing, praying, talking to S. Harley, and friends. It seems that this is an endless journey. So, do your best to rebuild your M. Keep the good work.

forever, good for you and your H. It's always nice to read success stories.

confused, your post really spoke to me. The way your H is acting is what I would like mine to do. Be happy for yourselves and keep working.

On dday I exposed the A to the light of day...I told OWH, told my mom, told his mom, told our kids (only about EA, not PA), OWH told his mom and her mom, etc.

He started out of the fog on dday itself...took him a couple of weeks to come all the way out.

I also pointed out the truth on all the things he had deluded himself on...mercilessly. The only good Plan A thing I did was to not kick him out and to try and understand his side of what happened, I also made it clear that I still loved him.

Other then that, I was a raving lunatic for the first several weeks (off and on crying, screaming,etc.) I was the queen of LB but amongst all that I was also grabbing at everything I could to help us...found this site, got us both reading all the books, got us in counseling with SH,etc, etc.

Another thing that helped everyday was facing the consequences of what he'd done...with me and the kids...he realized fast that this was NOT the type of man, H, father he wanted to be. He also reconnected with GOD.

I set up clear boundaries with clear consequences...I did not cut him any slack (again I know not typical MB or Plan A method but worked for us).

forevertogether - Thank you for your post. I cried the instant I read it. It seems like everything I read in these posts is 'right on the mark' so hearing your success story helped validate our progress.

lostnhurt - how did I help H come out of his fog? Well, I asked him so I could answer you and he said he really didn't know. I think that my having read so many of their emails helped a lot with the 'fog lifting'. I'm not sure it's helping me personally recover but reading their words so clearly showed me the 'fog' they were both living it. They clearly showed me what kind of person the OW was (truly a pathetic person who has chosen to live a bitter life filled with hatred and anger and someone who will do all she can to bring everyone down with her). As my H and I talked about their A I could bring up specifics (I wasn't relying on how he remembers things to be but how they actually were...as if I had been there first hand to experience it with them). An example that sticks out in my mind is one email where OW was angry with my H. Apparently she and her H were discussing their problems and she mentioned to my H that her H was trying to be understanding (actually, she was mocking his attempt). My H encouraged her to give him a chance. To listen if he was trying to be understanding. To go to him and try. He said that while it would hurt if he lost her (fog talk) nothing would make him happier than if she could by happy by working things out with her H and save 20 years of M. I said, "I bet she never said anything like that to you." Of course, she hadn't...Never once during the A or even before the A during their 6 yr 'friendship'. A lightbulb went off in his head (what a feeling it was to see it light up). This is one example but there were many many many more.

Again, reading their emails has not helped me personally but I do think it is responsible for the fog lifting. They were very descriptive about their physical times together so it truly is like I experienced it with them...ugh. The visions I have are very accurate right down to what they were wearing, saying, and doing...ugh.

Stung by a Bee - Thank you for your encouragement. I will never again take my H for granted. I didn't think I was at the time but as I look back it is so clear that we divided up the pressure/stress and took on things alone. Our M has survived everything we've encountered because we've always worked as a team and I guess I thought we'd get back to that when the pressure/stress lessened. Surprise!

Hey confused!

This is great news! NC letter sent...yippee!

I'm happy for you.

Sometimes the fog clears up quickly and sometimes it takes awhile. Sounds like your H's fog cleared up quickly. My H issued NC on d-day and never looked back, never went through withdrawal, etc. I think that proves there were no *feelings* involved.

Make sure your H knows when you are feeling anxious, down, or angry about the A so you can calmly discuss it and your H can comfort you.

You are still early yet in recovery. You will still have triggers, experience anxiety, have additional questions. My timeline seemed to be that at around 4 - 5 months, I started feeling a little better...fewer triggers. The six month mark, however, is pretty awful (for some reason doubt, anxiety, ANGER, insecurity, TRIGGERS come up again). Seven months was still filled with triggers and anxiety. I'll have to say at eight months, however, things are calming down for me. I really don't have that many triggers, I'm less anxious, I feel my self-confidence coming back, I feel better about myself, etc. Most importantly, I now KNOW H loves ME and wants to be married to ME!


I've read other posts with similar timelines. Everyone is different, however, and it does depend on how quickly or much the WS contributes to recovery of your M.

Stay positive. Lean on your H. Take care of yourself. Find that time alone with your H...even if it is just an hour or two late at night.

Gosh, I'm just so happy for you!

Take care.

sss