I am so desperate for someone to talk to me. I cant talk to anyone in my "real" life. all I want to do is be with my WH...I found out exactly one week ago about his 6 week affair. the circumstances were that we were not intimate in years. I just lost all libido after my third child was born and we sort of fell out o flove. He made his decision in januarty that he would not live without it for the next 30 years or so. So he got it elsewhere. he finally could not live with the guilt anymore and told me about it.

Problem: the OW loves him. He says he has feelings for her. Not love, but sexual, I am sure. Now, i am determined to be the best I can be. I made my decision at the turn of the year to work on my libido, and be a better person. I even ordered sex pills on the net. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> But it was too late. The affair had already begun.

I want to be with him, but I feel it is too soon. He has said he has ended with the OW and I do believe him. But I know they talk on the phone. The first day he told her he couldn't see her "indefinitely" she called him crying and telling him she loved him, etc, etc...He is now torn.

He says he fell out of love with me..But I can feel the love when he holds me. When he kisses me. I can feel it. He is only focusing on the negetive part of the marriage. He is clearly torn and upset about this OW, but how long with this crap last. What about me? what about 12 years of my life I followed him around the world. We have a life here. A home..kids, dogs, cats. Cars. All that we built together. He has six weeks with her. How long will it take him to quit thining of her and come to me for intimacy..All I want is to be with him to prove to him I can be good too.

Someone please talk to me! I am so lonely and confused. I dont know what my emotions are doing. I did order the book....

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 03:42 PM: Message edited by: momto3boys ]</small>

He probably won't come out of the fog until the A has been exposed and he does a NC letter and enforces it. Is OW married or involved with anyone?

MOM

Please hang in there. Someone will be along with some good advice for you. Until then just keep posting until someone answers. We are here for you, we know what it is like to not have anyone in the real world understand.

One of the vetrans will be along to help you out with some of the stuff I am sure. Until then read, read, read everything on this site. Plan A/Plan B all the posts. Everything you can learn about WH and BS will help you.

Hang tight!

NY

Sorry for my abrupt reply got a call. I can't tell from your posts, is your H still at home?

It is very common for a WS to have "feelings" for the OP. Those feelings usually turn out to be exaggerated. When they come out of the fog, they usually realize the feelings weren't real. My H thought he cared deeply for the OW in only a 6 wk A as well. Within days of NC he was realing that the feelings weren't real, that she wasn't who he thought she was, that they never even talked about each others histories, that he didn't know her favorite color, her birthday, her maiden name, her favorite food, etc.

Our therapist said he never had real feelings for her because he never had a "real" relationship with her, it was based on lies and a fantasy...she was just an escape for him...wasn't even about sex. She listened to him, she admired him, she wanted him, she was willing to risk everything for him, etc.

We had both gone through some tough times pre-A and had withdrawn from each other, we weren't meeting each others needs...she knew this and took advantage...he fell for it.

Anyway, there is hope...but A needs to be exposed and NC needs to be enforced. Both of you need to read all the books, SAA, Not Just Friends, Torn Asunder. Both need to read all MB site has to offer. I would also advise setting up an appointment with the Harleys...they are great at helping you set up a recovery plan. Get into IC..sounds like you're already in MC.

I would also recommend that you get a physical. Please make sure your H knows how dedicated you are to doing your part, to making personal changes..that you don't just want changes from him...that you love him and want to work it out.

momto...

I hope that are reading up ALL about plan A...and that you understand it ...and that you are iniating it right here and now....

Do you know his needs are you meetng them?...

How long will it take him to quit thining of her and come to me for intimacy..


Well since you asked...why would he come to you for intimacy since you have shut him off from that for years...my question and I don't mean it nastily...please note that these boards lack tone behind the words...
but how lonely and sad for both of you to go years without intimacy....

AND what actions are you taking to show him that it is safe to come to you ..
and do you and him realize that intimacy is not just an act in the bedroom but is the connection between two people who are really facing the worlds as partners...

I would hope that part of your plan A is seeking medical advice as to why your libido took such a nose dive...and for such a long time...it's not normal....
somethings up..
and you should out of love for yourself and your husband be attempting to address and resolve that...

your plan a should definitly address his feelings of rejection...

you gotta meet his needs..
you gotta make coming home to you better than apple pie..
you gotta show him you love him..in action and word...

and the really good news about human sexuality is that God has given us many ways to address meeting needs....many many many different ways.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> so if one way isn't quite working for you...find one that is...it's not an all or nothing game...

get dr. laura's new book the proper care and feeding of husbands....

get reading..
post what you don't understand....seek counsel...

fix your libido....!!!!!!!!!

ARK

Mom-
Hi, I am a WS and although my A lasted longer than your H's (2 years) maybe I can offer you some insight. I think that until your H has absolute NC with the OW your recovery can't really begin. Even if they are only talking right now, it is still enough to keep that flame burning brightly between them. It needs to be extinguished completely before he comes out of his "fog". The fact that he came to you and told you about the A is a good thing, that means that he values you and felt guilt and knew what he was doing was wrong.

The first few weeks after he has complete NC are going to be HARD for both of you. It'll be hard for him because he's going to be very lost and very depressed. Even though he was only with her for 6 weeks, he developed some strong feelings for her and it will take time to get over those. It'll be hard for you because it sucks to see your spouse pining away for someone else. All I can say is just be there for him during that time, I know it'll be hard for you and you'll feel like he's the one who should be suffering since this was his choice, but just try to be supportive and loving to him. He will come around and it'll happen alot faster if he sees that he can come to you openly and that you're there to help him.

It sounds like you want to do whatever you can to help your M. Just know that initially it'll probably seem like you're the only one working on your M, but the more he comes out of the fog the more he'll be proactive in helping rebuild. I think the sexual problem is obviously a big one and if it's at all possible for you to reach out to him sexually, it may show him that you're serious in your quest to make the M work.

I truly wish you the best of luck and I'm sorry for the hard work you have ahead of you, but in the end it'll be worth it because your M will be better then you ever expected.

P.S. Don't forget to take care of yourself also. You will be dealing with feelings of depression and disbelief also, so make sure that you talk to your doctor and maybe get a prescription for anti depressants if you need them. Stay strong and definately keep posting here!!

SG

forevertogether...we have the same anniversary date!!! H left the house on Tuesday night after telling me about the affair. He comes home during the day and stays until about 9:00 PM...this morning I had such high hopes. He said he felt good about coming home and that I just neded to give him a few more days. We had lunch together today and he had dinner at the house. then he left about 5:30 because he said he needed to "think". He keeps saying, "no matter how things work out, I will always be there for you"...I dont want him to be here for me, I want him to BE HERE for me. Our situation was horrible before, but he knows how determined I am now. He is so afraid things will go back to a "loveless" marriage. We had some good times, but he is not seeing them.

We are seeing a marraige counselor and she is really good. How long does the fog last? Will he have feelings for her forever just a few weeks? Your right, she was only there because she gave him the stuff I wasn't and he was vulnerable. I keep telling him that she is going after him because she knows she cant have him. And the more a woman knows she cant have something the more they go after it...I know, i am a woman <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Gosh, I have so much to say, but I dont know what to say. I just need people to talk to me now. Thank you sooo much! I need ya'll right now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I had seen a DR about my libido problem in January...he wrote it off as just being a tired mom. I know this is NOT normal. My husband is also a DR and he knows something is wrong and he was so loving and so patient with me and I felt so bad for him. I also had a hysterectomy about 3 years ago. That messed me up badly. It not only messed me up as far as libido, but also I never "healed" probably in the right places. Sex was painful. the day I was supposed to get that fixed, my best friends 3 y/o son died unexpectedly. then my dad was diagnosed with cancer and it has been a whirwind since then.

NOW, I am approaching him, carressing him, kissing him, hugging him, storking him, doing whatever I can to show him I love him. I kiss him when he leaves and when he comes home. I can feel the love he has for me when we are holding each other, I can feel it in his kisses. I have very high hopes for the marriage in the futre, but he HAS got to get rid of this OW. I have told him he cannot talk to her, but he does and I cant do anything about that. He KNOWS he has to, but he says it is very hard. He also says he wishes it woul dhave never happened and he wishes since it did happend that it would not have gone on for so long. all they had was sex in hotel rooms...sneaking around. Now that the cat is out of the bag and the entire city knows, it is not fun any longer. Everyone knows about it and he is a very respected person...or he was anyway.!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> I had seen a DR about my libido problem in January...he wrote it off as just being a tired mom. I know this is NOT normal. My husband is also a DR and he knows something is wrong and he was so loving and so patient with me and I felt so bad for him. I also had a hysterectomy about 3 years ago. That messed me up badly. It not only messed me up as far as libido, but also I never "healed" probably in the right places. Sex was painful. the day I was supposed to get that fixed, my best friends 3 y/o son died unexpectedly. then my dad was diagnosed with cancer and it has been a whirwind since then.

NOW, I am approaching him, carressing him, kissing him, hugging him, storking him, doing whatever I can to show him I love him. I kiss him when he leaves and when he comes home. I can feel the love he has for me when we are holding each other, I can feel it in his kisses. I have very high hopes for the marriage in the futre, but he HAS got to get rid of this OW. I have told him he cannot talk to her, but he does and I cant do anything about that. He KNOWS he has to, but he says it is very hard. He also says he wishes it woul dhave never happened and he wishes since it did happend that it would not have gone on for so long. all they had was sex in hotel rooms...sneaking around. Now that the cat is out of the bag and the entire city knows, it is not fun any longer. Everyone knows about it and he is a very respected person...or he was anyway.! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">momto...
Has your doctor looked into depression? I have 3 children and after my third, my libido took a nosedive but also along with that in the span of the next few years, H got a new job, I left a job, Went back to school, My mom developed cancer and was sick for two years then died here in my home.

I was depressed!! I pushed that thought away - not ME! Finally after years of being on the bottom (barely getting out of bed somedays and never letting on to anyone!) I said enough! I went anti-depressants 7 months ago and it works!
When the meds kicked in, so did my sex drive. I also have cervical problems and sometimes its painful but we have found positions that are comfortable.

Your H MUST STOP SEEING THE OW! You need to go Plan A. It seems like he still loves you very much and is just foggy. The OW cannot fill all his ENs - you need to fill them!
Also, marriage counseling will not work while there is still contact with the OW.

Have you exposed the A? If OW is married, her H needs to told.
Exposure is key if he will not let go of OW.

Get a new doctor! Find out about possible depression.

Yes, i do suffer from depression. I do take meds and they have helped trememndously. I also have hypothyroid disease. I had just started getting back on my feet after 7 months and then this happens. Thank God for those anti depressants, because I WOULD NOT be functioning right now without them.

My H biggest concern right now is that he is afraid that we will end up the way we were. But I have read and read again and I am determined to make this better. this was a huge eye opener. I have ordered the book, but I cant find Plan A on here anywhere. I dont even know what it entails. I cant find the book at the local bookstore. I also go several other books and H is reading one and I am reading one and then we will swap. I truly appreciate you guys talking to me...I need it right now...I just need to make some sense of this. I just dont understand it all! thank you!

Thank God for those anti depressants, because I WOULD NOT be functioning right now without them.

Some antidepressants also depress libido.

Talk to your prescriber .... MD or RNP and ask about the pill you're taking. Tell him/her about your lack of libido.

Maybe there is a better pill that lets you feel good AND have a sex drive. Imagine that!

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> Thank God for those anti depressants, because I WOULD NOT be functioning right now without them.

Some antidepressants also depress libido.

Talk to your prescriber .... MD or RNP and ask about the pill you're taking. Tell him/her about your lack of libido.

Maybe there is a better pill that lets you feel good AND have a sex drive. Imagine that!

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I take Wellbutrin b/c is known for the low incidence of sexual side effects. I also know Celexa is supposed to be good.

I take Wellbutrin b/c is known for the low incidence of sexual side effects. I also know Celexa is supposed to be good.

I've taken Celexa on and off for several years. While it doesn't exactly enhance libido, it has not caused me any of the problems that things like Paxil or Serzone did once I got past the first few weeks. This was the primary reason I switched to it.

LL

momof...

here is a link to plan a...also type in plan a and search it on this forum...

chris-ca and WAT both carry links on the tail ends of their posts...

plan A

ark

Thank you for the link Ark! I will read it today. We have already started on it I think. I told him he HAD to stop all contact withher. But SHE is still calling him. should I cal her myself? We go back to the therapist tomorrow and he wants to talk to the therapist alone for a minute. Which is fine with me.

Re: the depression. Right now I am on effexor, the best one yet that I have taken. It helps me a lot. Maybe I should try celexa or Wellbutrin. I also read up on some of the links here about SF (I think that is the acronym). I have also bought books, lots of books...My book "surviving the affair" shipped yesterday, so I am looking forward to reading it.

What will happen after this initial phase. Will I get angry, and can we/he handle the anger. I can see the confusion in him when he says things as "I just wish this had not gone on for so long" or "i just wish I would have come to you", could've, would've, should've...all in the past. yesterday is gone, we have to live for today and not tomorrow. Thanks again for talking to me.

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 03:44 PM: Message edited by: momto3boys ]</small>