What is the best book for H to read about his A? He is reading After the Affair right now...and I ordered Myth of greener grass for him. Is there any other books for H to read. I also ordered Surviving the Affair? I want a book that focuses on the positive of staying togehter as a married couple and how to get thru this together and build on it. Thanks!

I bought 2 copies of Surving An Affair, His Needs/Her Needs and Love Busters - one copy for each of us. My husband only read or perused the Love Busters one because he was quoting stuff from there when we would talk.

The 3 books are sitting on an end table underneath a picture in a frame of me holding our kitty with birthday hats on. There is also an I Love You little stuffed bear leaning up against the picture frame. I asked him on Sunday if he just kept the picture up because our kitty was in it and he said yes.

I think our husbands need to be in a certain frame of mind to sit down and take the books seriously. I wish mine would come around and pick another one of the books to see what the heck he is going through.

I wish you the best and good luck!!

Thank you for you comment. I think After the Affair, that is the FIRST book I ahve ever seen my WH read...I guess that says something, right? He really wants to read "myth of greener grass". His needs/Her needs? What is that one about? I will go buy that one today. Thanks again!

momto,

I have read some of your other posts and I know this is all really new to you. I think you're doing great by wanting to educate yourself and make things better in your M.

I wanted to ask - and I don't mean to be ugly, hope it doesn't come across that way - why are *you* picking out books for your H to read? Has he asked you to? Is he incapable of selecting books himself?

The reason I ask is that in areas as senstive as adultery, people (especially WS) usually bristle when someone tries to "educate" them. They have to come to realizations and understandings on their own time table.

I just don't want you to go to him with a pile of books, only to see him become resistant and you upset. It would be better if he asked for recommendations or if he selected books himself, because he'd be open to what they had to say rather than feeling criticized.

Does that make sense?

turtlehead...Yes, he has asked me to get these books for him. Actually I came home with the "after an affair" book with the intentions of ME reading it. Next thing I know he is reading it in front of me. I was completely shocked. I thought he would just skim a few pages...but he actually read the whole book. He then asked me to find him the book "Myth of Greener Grass". I found it online and he said he is looking forward to reading it. When I brought home the other books, he started reading them as well. I am not pushing any books on him. If he wantst to read them he can pick them up. I was asking for different books so I can run them by him and if he wants to read them, he will tell me that. H has never been one to go out and buy himself anything. I am always the one who does the shopping. Even with his clothes. He bought a pair of jeans the other day for himself and they were two sizes too big. I just laughed and said "honey, the only jeans you can wear in that size are Levis"..I think he bought these at Walmart. He laughed and said "i guess that is why youdo the shopping".

But yes, he is the one asking for these books. At this point, I would not force him to do anything. he has to initiate it and want to do it. Thanks!

Mom,

Regarding books here are my favorites. Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs, Give & Take; all of which are by Willard Harley.

"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass is excellent also. It's amazingly comprehensive and is recommended reading by the Harleys.

Take a look at Amazon.com to read excerpts on all of these. Reason I like Give & Take is it provides a roadmap per se that helps you to learn how to deal with conflict in marriages. Talks specifically about Policy of Joint Agreement.

His Needs Her Needs is specifically how to "affair proof your marriage". Talks about the 3 states of marriage - withdrawal, conflict, intimacy. Good for people trying to decide whether or not to disclose an affair.

SAA - The best for dealing with affairs that have already happened; good at helping to understand "what to do now".

Happy reading! CSue

Mom,

Glad you did not take offense at my message and heard the spirit in which I wrote it. I think lots of folks here (me included) are going to be somewhat envious that you have a spouse who is as anxious to read and learn as you are. That is so great! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My favorites:

Fall in Love, Stay in Love - Willard Harley
This describes ENs and LBs and also POJA, giver/taker, how to negotiate. It's nothing to do with affairs and everything to do with a healthy marriage.

Infidelity: A Survival Guide - Don-David Lusterman
This is a book on how to get through and past the affair and learn the lessons it has to offer. I find myself wanting to highlight something on almost every page. It addresses both sides of the affair and explores possible causes besides unment ENs.

I'm going to be seeing my H in about 10 days and I know he will never ask me for anything to read, he says it's over and I think if I suggested or pushed anything that it would backfire. However, I'm going to be taking Dr. Harley's books and some others with me and I am going to leave them out in plain view in the room I stay in (which is the computer room so he'll have to go in there), and maybe he'll take a peak.