First, the question. I know that the 180 principle is to demonstrate that you are strong, happy and able to function with or without the spouse. BAck away a little bit, not to hover, but still be engaged. The question is this, is it alright to still do small acts of kindness, bring flowers for no reason, give a card, etc? One compliant my W has is that I stopped doing these things.

Now for the success. This morning as I was leaving, my wife was getting dressed. I noticed she was about to put on a thong b/c of the pants she was wearing. I admit that I am a complete fool for thongs, whenever she is about to put one on or is wearing one, I am all over her. But this morning, as I saw the thong on the bed, she saw me looking at it, and said, "it's ok, you can watch". I said "no, I am running late" gave her a kiss and left. She called out, "it's ok, I really don't mind". I know she was surprised, I feel that it was a victory.

R U in plan A or B? Also is your generousity and kindness going to be mistaken as approving or enabling the A? Kinda like rewarding a child throwing a tantrum?

L.

We're in Plan A, NC & OM has moved away. Reason I asked about the small acts is that is something I used to do, but gradually stopped as the years passed. I know that this was something that W liked in the past, but want to stay within the 180 framework, and show a little independence on my part. I had not been doing that in the last several months.

GM - if you're referring to the "Divorce Busters" 180, I think you may misunderstand it, although perhaps I do.

I believe the 180 is intended to be a complete reversal of destructive things you do to your marriage - not all things. Why stop behaviors that are constructive? In MB Plan A language, it's stopping all love busters including disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts.

The balance of Plan A is filling ENs.

If your W has ceased contact and has written a no contact letter, you're in recovery. Quit playing games. You should be filling ENs out the gazoo.

Are you confused or am I?

I agree with WAT regarding the EN's. Did you meet her EN of SF (teasing) since you ran out of the house?

And since she called after you, confirming it was OK, did you perhaps hurt her feelings or make her feel insecure by running out?

Hm. Several different ways to look at the same situation!

SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And since she called after you, confirming it was OK, did you perhaps hurt her feelings or make her feel insecure by running out?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has complained that I get a little to "touchy" during these moments, sometimes leading her to the infamous "all want is sex" line. So I think (hope) she appreciated that I was a little more stand-offish, but I am sure that she was a little confused.

The "180 list" and Plan A do not go together very well.

I know that the 180 principle is to demonstrate that you are strong, happy and able to function with or without the spouse.
No, that is incorrect.

The 180 principle is to do the opposite of what you are doing IF what you are doing is not having a positive affect.

I know that this was something that W liked in the past, but want to stay within the 180 framework
If you want to do the 180, then you should read "Divorcebusting" by Michele Weiner-Davis.
And keep in mind, the "180 list" posted around here is not a "checklist". It is a suggested list of things which you MAY consider doing because you have been doing the opposite of them.

I believe the 180 is intended to be a complete reversal of destructive things you do to your marriage - not all things. Why stop behaviors that are constructive?
That is exactly correct.

As a woman who has been constantly touched and groped during my 12 year marriage...YES you had an impact on her by not doing those things this morning!!! That was one of the things that was a LB to me and eventually led to me being cold to my H which led to his A. (what a circle...) Anyway, post D-day he quit groping so much. A woman likes to be touched, don't get me wrong, but we like our hair rubbed, our faces touched, a light pat. Save the highly sexual stuff for after hours... not while we are cooking/cleaning...

See, it takes a bit longer for a woman to get her sexual motor running than for a man to, so when we know that we can't leave a boiling pot to go have sex, we don't like investing the energy into getting into a sex mode. We can't easily shift in and out of the sex mode like the men in our lives can.

Also after having my H chase me for years, it has done both of us good for me to chase him some. Now I'm just as likely to walk up and grab his buttocks as he is to grab mine. It's more 50/50 and it is now more 50/50 in the bedroom too. Me chasing him has really boosted his self-esteem, and not having him constantly coming on to me has made me spend time initiating with him too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Just wanted to say kudos to you luke and others for the great advice and good luck to luke on your recovery.