I thought it might be interesting and helpful to start a thread on the reliability of womens (and mens) intuition.

Could anyone please post instances where they wish they had listened to their gut feeling.

Does anyone have any examples of their instincts telling them something was wrong, without any other evidence, and these instincts ultimately being proved right?

Also, does anyone have any experience of false paranoia which they might like to share?

I think it would help some people here to clarify what everyone thinks about this as I find it cropping up again and again in many posts.

Thanks everyone! Hope you are all doing ok.

My H did very well at hiding his tracks during his A. And it was primarily his actions AFTER breaking the A off that began to gnaw at my gut.

Why was he suddenlt so attentive after ignoring me for months?

What was that look on his face for? That "I'm so sorry look"?

There were no clandestine meetings with the OW. There were no strange phone calls. There were no nasty rumors in the community. There were no new gift items in his closet. There were no hidden cell bills or credit card bills. NOTHING>

During his A, my gut was on coast. I had such faith in him combined with an I don't care attitude, that my gut was on vacation. NOW my gut is paranoid!! It clinches up for no reason at all.. So how do I handle this paranoia? Usually I attempt to dismiss it at least once. If it still lingers, then I find a neutral way to discuss my fears with my H. Our marriage has been terrific over the last 2+ years since D-day, and although he knows that there are repercussions to his actions, one being my distrust in him, he has also proven with his subsequent actions that he is unworthy of receiving the 10th degree every time my gut flares up. There does come a time when the FWS earns the right to a fair trial - innocent until proven guilty. Each time he comes away from one of my mini trials as proven innocent, my gut slacks off some.

As for the future? I think my gut has been kicked in to overdrive and has no thoughts of going back to neutral for a long long time - probably Never!!

Only a few months after her affair went physical she told me about all her coworkers teasing OM about his vasectomy. Even getting a get well card and sending it to him.

I questioned her extensively about it because I thought she had no business knowing such personal business regarding someone of the opposite sex.

Even talked to her female department head who confirmed that indeed they had teased him about it and sent him the get well card.

Shortly after that she went to a convention I knew his company was at. I almost went down there unannounced but convinced myself I was being paranoid...plus I had the kids and would have had to take them with me.

The affair continued for another 17 months after that but at that point she had only been with him all the way twice out of town none at in town.

I didn't suspect anything but my H told me of his EA two or three weeks after contacting his old HS sweetie via email.

He *told* me he'd found her on the 'net and emailed her.

He *told* me he'd phoned her and they'd talked for three hours. Lots of catching up, careers, spouses, kids...

Nothing to worry about, right? He's telling me everything, after all.

In retrospect I should have known something was up. He wasn't eating - complained of a stomach bug. He couldn't sleep - complained his arthritis was acting up.

But I didn't think anything was amiss.

That was a couple of years ago. DDay season is pretty hard for me because it's right before Valentine's day and all those flower/candy/love ads just make the skin crawl up and down my spine. But those are triggers, not paranoia.

I don't really have paranoia attacks, just very occasional reminders (triggers). Late nights on the computer followed by early mornings on the computer; changing phone services and forgetting to tell me how to access the records online. When I do, I tell my H I'm feeling scared, and why, and I ask him for a hug. And he's always very generous with them and he understands.

Thanks everyone for posting: I know it must be hard to drag up those memories.

I hope we get more insights!

Sending lots of love to you all

The one thing I have learned out of this whole affair business is to trust my gut instinct. I never really considered it before (guess I didn't need it). I have two examples.

1. About a week before I found out about the affair, I felt so depressed all of a sudden (very, very rare for me), I just felt like crawling in bed and crying. Keep in mind, I hadn't cried in years. Something was wrong but I
didn't know what it could be. That weekend, I found out that my husband had been seeing another woman for about a month.

2. After d-day, I felt the need to be with my husband a lot. I used to just pop into his office unannounced (it was right aross the street from where I worked). Several times, I caught him talking on the phone, he would always say it was this friend or that friend. I felt like it was the OW, and would ask him if he had been talking to her. No, I have not called her. He would swear it. I found out three weeks later that he had been talking to her. I had thought that I had been paranoid, looking for things that weren't there.

My husband has not seen or talked to her since that day. Why am I so sure? Other than him developing into the perfect husband and that feeling that a big dark cloud had just been lifted, I have not had that gut feeling that I have learned to listen to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The weekend my WH's A went from EA to PA, I was out of town. That Sunday, WH called my relative's house where I was staying, and asked me when we were leaving, and when we thought we'd be home, so he could have dinner ready.

I could tell by the sound of his voice something was different.

I have emails to both him and the OW (ex-"best friend") where I told them this and questioned them about it.

Now, reading those emails, I realize that those two must have thought I was psychic! I bet they were pretty freaked out. I questioned them about that weekend until the very end.

When WH confessed to me, I knew the first two times they were together were that weekend, and he confirmed it.

Intuition. Instinct. Knowing someone intimately and completely, so that a voice inflection tells all.

SS

Sheesh... if there's one thing that this has taught me... it's to definately trust my gut!

Without going into details on the board here, I kept a journal during the course of my wife's affair and as the pc was down, I had to do it in actual pen and paper writing [shudder]... recently I thought to type the thing out so that I could send the whole thing to her as a parting gift (how very plan A) I got 12 pages into it and had to put it down.

I knew everything. I knew the depth of it... I knew the feelings involved... I knew how it was going to end. I saw it all but didn't do anything about it because I listened to all the people who told me I was 'over-reacting'. Gaaaaah...

My gut still speaks to me. I've been told 'it's over', but my gut knows it's not. I don't know for sure whether or not they are still actually having sex, but for me that really isn't the issue, anyway. It's the EA... the intimate relationship... and little instances keep popping up to reassure me that I'm right too.

Forget 'the shadow'... it's 'the gut' that knows...

dewt

I have always been an instinctual person and pay close attention to my "gut" feelings.

Some may call it impulsivity, such as when I went to California on a 10-day vacation to visit a friend and she set me up on a blind date with my H. We were inseperable from the first night.When I returned from the trip I told my family I was moving to California and the next day I quit my job. A month later was living with H, and in another month we were married. (Very rarely in our 16 years together have I regretted listening to my "gut" on that one!)

But - Two days before d-day I went home for lunch from work like I do most weekdays. As I pulled up the hill that leads to our home, I saw H's car in the driveway - this was highly unusual. I immediately felt a chill... Instead of worrying that something was wrong or he was sick, a voice inside me said, "If he has a woman with him....!!" There was absolutely NO logical reason that this thought should have come to me, but I felt it so strongly I was shaking. H had never given me any reason to worry about an A, he was pretty much a good family man.

H was indeed home, nobody was with him. He just said that "a couple of jobs feel thru" for the afternoon and he came home early. He was distant and grouchy though.

Then later that night he became hostile and started picking at me about my looks, my job, our marriage, our sex life, everything.... again I felt a chill. I believed that he was getting depressed or was just in a bad mood, but again the intuition kicked in when he continued to be cruel.

As we got into bed that night, it seemed as if our marriage was possibly coming to an end from how he was acting. I was in shock - and as he turned out the light, I quietly said,
"Well, it sounds as if you have someone else... someone waiting in the wings... just do me one favor - don't cheat on me until we are divorced....". He was silent.

What my "gut" felt but that I did not consciously KNOW was that he had been in an A for a month and this was the day he had ended it.

My "gut" has not been wrong yet - good or bad - I always listen.


Shelle

What happens when you get that kicked in the stomach gut feeling and you can find no concrete evidence. Not only have you had that feeling, but three times in 16 years you've had that feeling. The latest being a friend of both of yours and she gives your hubby one of those looks that makes you so sick you can't finish your very expensive meal. And she admitted to you to cheating on her fiance.

trying2believe -

My ex "best friend" did this with my WH. And I had red flags about her. She is single, she sleeps with lots of men, and she had told me that she had slept with married men before. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

After reading my books and this site, I feel like a complete dummy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> BUT, I won't again!

Kicked in the stomach is a powerful feeling. Very powerful. You definately need to figure out where that feeling is coming from.

SS

I KNEW something was wrong all along but couldn't figure out what was WRONG with me. I thought I had just developed some strange insecurities following the recent death of my 18 year old son and loss of my other H of 20 years. [H left me suddenly] I couldn't figure it out!

But then, I couldn't AFFORD to figure it out. I could not handle ONE MORE LOSS. I had already lost everything and could barely function.

My red flags were blazing all over the place and I just thought I must be crazy. I placed my instincts in the same category as silly superstitions and just ignored them. I was too logical to fool with that kind of nonsense. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I will NEVER ignore my insticts again. EVERY SINGLE warning instinct I had back then proved correct!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Could anyone please post instances where they wish they had listened to their gut feeling.

Does anyone have any examples of their instincts telling them something was wrong, without any other evidence, and these instincts ultimately being proved right?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you know I sensed something wrong with my H the very month that his EA began?! I felt UNCOMFORTABLE around him in public. I was weird. I also had an instant dislike of OW from the moment I met her. There was just something wrong. I even remember walking up to my H at my S's swim meet and he was talking to OW and I felt like I WAS INTRUDING. I guess that was my first big clue.

Every single time my gut has been right. I've even had little mini panic attacks where I am shaking because I know he's lying. And every time I've been right on the money.

Bottom line : TRUST YOUR GUT!!!

Thanks everyone!

Unanimous so far it seems...