I am in my fifth week of plan B. I am about to reach the point where i am comtemplating divorce.

Now here is the questions. MB believes in Plan A and Plan B. There is nothing here i have read about making OW life miserable meaning harrassing them until they cry to bed every night.

Plan A and Plan B is about saving your marriage by making yourself happy or making WH happy. There is nothing about getting rid of OW the hard way.

A lady, my mom, two of my SIL, my MIL and my niece have all told me to go to the work place and blast the OW to hell. They say i should harrass her on the phone day and night. Go to the office and make havoc until she got no where else to put her face. Since i know where she lives then i should go to her home and make trouble.

Will this make WH happy? i don't think so

Will this make WH come home? Not so but maybe if the harrassment works and OW no longer wants the affair, there is potential.

Will it make me happy? Yes...even if this quarantee to end my marriage...why not? i have already lost him. I am already ready to go for divorce so what more can i lose? Yes it will make me happy...its revenge...its making OW life miserable as much as i have been going through for 6 months!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I have played the quiet and good wife for so long doing everything by the book but honestly what i feel inside is pulling each hair out from OW.

I am also anger with WH...but i cannot focus on that because if i do that then i am scared i might not want to go back to him ever.

So this is my question.

Has any BS here tried harrassing OW and did it work or did it make matter worst?

As a BS do you not feel angry with the OP?? Why can't we release that anger towards OP by doing some nasty thing to them?

Is there a satistic somewhere that says harrasing OW will cost more damage to current situation or does it make the A end sooner?

I would vote against the harrassment (at least coming from you) for two reasons:

1. Legal issues - she can slap a restraining order on you and make you look like the woman your husband has portrayed you to be in her eyes.

2. It would give her some sort of victim dignity in a warped and twisted sort of way. You don't want to give this woman the time of day, because ultimately it's your husband's choice you should be concerned with.

Also, you don't want to give your husband the idea that there's any kind of competition between you and the OW. When he comes out of the fog, you want her to be complete trash in his eyes. If you get down in a cat-fight brawl over him, you are somewhat painting yourself with the same trash she's been baptised with!

Be a lady - let others do a very subtle kind of harrassment - something that makes her squirm but she can't call the cops on!

A postscript:

If you're obsessed with making the OW's life miserable, you give her a cause to let your husband be her knight in shining armor against the horrible dragon.

Part of Plan B is to get on with your life in a most attractive way. Now if family happens to walk past her desk at work, and give her a totally disgusted "YOU SLUT" look, what's she going to do? Run and say, "Nobody likes me" whine to your husband? Let it all be her imagination so she sounds like a whiny little school girl. Meanwhile you are mature, getting on with life, balanced, sane, and calm.

Drama wears thin after a while. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well, if you read my latest post, I tried to do that recently. Actually, I emailed OM's newest friend/coworker(on-the-side girlfriend)and it backfired and made things worse in my situation. I have done just about everything wrong you can think of and whenever I do, I get set back a few steps. If you piss off OW, she has your husband to cry to and that'll just make him that much more angry at you. In my opinion, and from my latest experience, it doesn't work and its not worth the satisfaction you get out of it. Sure, I enjoyed the heck out of what I did, but then the repercussions just weren't worth it. All it did was cause a bigger gap in the possibility of reconcilliation. Just my thoughts....

Sheesh, do I ever know how you feel. OP in my case was someone that I really let into my life and bent over backwards to get set up. I got the person a job (where I worked) with career potential, gave them a place to live, fed, emotionally supported, didn't ask for rent when I knew she was suffering financially. When I got access to a company vehicle I let her use my van. I did everything I could to boost this persons life to the highest level possible and in return she stabbed me so deep in the back that my family has been torn asunder. At one point I asked her to end the affair and she refused, saying she'd promised my W that she wouldn't leave unless my W asked her.

For me it was more than revenge... I wanted to take back everything I'd given her...

I could smear her name in the small community in which she lives. I could have friends harrass her and I wrote and email to my ex-boss (yes... she has my job now) detailing her betrayal and the kind of person she is... I still have that email. My finger hovered, but never clicked send. I've talked to my son (after vilifying her to him) and told him that I forgive her and he should too (not that I'll ever allow her to around him)...

I read something here once, long ago...

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

I feel better this way. I still get the urge to send that email... I still get lots of horrible and justified urges, but as long as I resist them, I feel that I'm a better person for it. I hope I never ever have to see her again and put the way I have decided to feel to the test, but, well, there ya go. Jesus says we should forgive, and I trust his insight more than my own.

dewt

<small>[ March 11, 2004, 06:17 AM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

I, on the other hand, left the OW alone, and my H is now possibly married to her.

You have to be careful to avoid anything that would be considered harassment by law enforcement, but there is a lot to be said for outing the affair to her co-workers and anyone else who knows her.

From a societal point of view, I think the world would be a lot better off if the affair participants were shunned by everyone who knew them. Instead, people are encouraged to look the other way.

ZC -

Thank you thank you thank you! I can't tell you how good it makes me feel to know that there is someone out there that has had this same thought. I want more then anything in this world to drive to OW's house, knock on the door, drag her outside by her hair and just open a big ole can of whoop [censored] on her. I think you have done a very good job of verbalizing the way many BS's feel in your situation.

I want to tell you this. I know you think it would make you happy. It actually might make you happy at the time. Think about this....when this is all over and done with how would that make you feel? No matter how this things turns out you have to live with the way you act during this time.

As much as I'd like to do this type of activity myself I have to say that it's a bad idea. You hold your head high. You aren't the one that did this. You didn't break up a family. You didn't break your vows. You are the victim here. Don't give her reason to play the victim's role.

Focus on you and making yourself better. It seems like you are really starting to pull away from your M now. Like you have no hope left. Do not give up until you are 100% sure you have no more love for your WS.

I might even recommend doing something wild that would be out of character for you. Think of something you have always wanted to do but never thought you'd get the chance or have the nerve.....maybe skydiving, take a cruise, get a tattoo, or just get a drastic make over. Something, anything to take your mind off of all of this. Look at it as a turning point in your life. When you took control and decided that you were not going to be the martyr anymore. You are in control of your life here. Not your H and certainly not this hag OW.

Remember that. You are in control. Do not give them control.

Hang in there. I'm sending you great big hugs.

zizzy,

Have you thought this through to its logical conclusion? If you go down to work and make a scene what do you think will happen? You will look like a NUTJOB and OW will look like a saintly victim when you are LED OFF IN HANDCUFFS! Do you want to go to jail? Get a grip, Zizzy!

You will only be helping the OW and hurting zizzy if you do this!

You are plotting to do things that will cause PERMANENT DAMAGE. The affair is not permanent, but the damage you are proposing IS. Divorce is permanent. You are nowhere ready for divorce.

Zizzy, I too have these feelings for OW. I would love nothing more than to shame her in front of everyone we know. But then, I would bring myself down to her rotten level. It is not up to us to seek vengence. God will do that in His time. Trust that. He says leave it to Him.

But, others should know. I've told a close friend of mine whom OW also knows. Its kind of funny to watch her squirm, never knowing when someone will spill the beans. OW had to be around my friend the other day and my friend said she could tell she was not her usual boisterous, obnoxious self. Perhaps she is being humbled. I think she knows if she ever sets foot near my H, all hell will break loose. And not necessarily by me.

Don't get me wrong, on more than one occasion I have let OW have it, but never in public. And I don't think it really has made any difference. Its rather futile actually. She is convinced that she needs to be here for my H and will justify, rationalize, and defend their R. PUKE!

Just come here and vent Zizzy. Blast her on this site. I did it the other day and it FELT GOOD. More importantly, no harm done to my R with my H, okay?

Zizzy..check out Nikko's thread on the recovery board...might be some good insight into tough love.

I for one differ drastically from MB ways here...I fought fair and unfair for my H and my M...I felt strongly all is fair in love and war.

I didn't humiliate myself in public by harrassing OW...wouldn't have done that.

However, I made it clear to her that she wasn't going to get my H. Let her know that I would fight her with whatever means I needed to...it was up to her...if she left him alone, I'd leave her alone.

Since she was my next door neighbor and so called friend...she knew I wasn't bluffing.

I didn't come out and actually threaten her with physical violence but she sensed it...I also told her that I would make her life a living hell if she didn't leave him alone. Didn't need to describe it in detail to her. Shortly after dday she broke NC...I went marching over their full of pain and fury and let her have it (verbally)...that was all it took, she kept her distance.

I also talked to her mom and H on a semi regular basis for the first few weeks.

My H didn't like any of this but he understood!

Later he thanked me for fighting so hard for him...it made him really realize how much he meant to me.

So though I believe in Plan A and Plan B...I also believe in tough love and believe that an A is like a WAR...so I treated it as such.

I realized early on that my H the man I married and loved and shared 20 years with would never have had an A and done these terrible things...that man was absent for awhile and a crazy person took his place...again...I needed to be the strong one for awhile.

I didn't want to be seconding guessing myself if my M ended by saying....what if I'd have only spoken to OW, to have followed him, to have checked up on both of them, to have made it clear to OW that I wasn't giving up without a fight!

Do you???

If I was going down it was going to be with a roar, not a wimper!

Anyway...know this isn't MB way but it worked for me and others on the Recovery Board.

I had extremely negative feelings for 2nd OW.

I did call her several times. I did confront her in public once and in private once.

I really don't regret those times that much.

But, were they successful in helping my case with FWS. Probably not, for all the reasons mentioned above.

The one thing the contacts did do was to let her know that if my H did stay with her that I would not make their lives a bed of roses.

Then after the last false recovery....I changed my reactions. I let him go to her. Her divorce was final so he moved in with her and her kids. I pulled back as much as I could while still seeing him at work.

I let him know I was concerned for him but I changed. I was calmer, more confident, more attractive than the other times. I believed I could move on without him and let him see that. My daughter and I were even considering moving away together out west. One of my sister's said I could join their interior design business. We considered going to Europe to visit relatives.

My kids were at the point where they really didn't want anything to do with OW or their Dad. He started really feeling the pain of it all. The fog lifted. Reality set in. He was living in another man's house with another man's kids. He was losing his own family and all he worked so long for.

It did not take long to let that one end for good. I wish I could say that was the last one....but

The problem then was that he didn't do the work he needed do or learn to skills to avoid another affair. He was a conflict avoider and he still believed he could have friendships with women.

He was open to temptation from the evil one and succumbed again. Only a year after we renewed our vows he befriended another lonely OW. I found out and he ended it only to start it again when she called him a year later. Thus started the 3rd EA/PA which lasted 8 months. I did try to go to her house to talk to her but she wouldn't answer the door. I called her once but hung up when she answered (I just wanted to hear her voice). I pretty much decided that if that's what he wanted he could have her. He wasn't a prize anymore himself..she could have him.

Through counseling and MB we think he now has the tools to resist temptation and he knows he can't have exclusive friendships and discuss any personal (especially marital) issues with OW.

It is much easier to project our anger on the OP than at our spouse. They are both equally at fault.

I know exactly how you feel...however, my xh didn't marry her b/c of what I did..he got her preggers...OW/OM will lie cheat and steal to get what they want...

What I found that works is blowing their secret agent status and exposing the affair. Worked like a charm but affair took a year and a few months to die...MOnkeyho realized (the OW) that my xh wouldn't get a divorce fast enough and although IL's enable their son, they still blamed her for most of everything...nevermind anyting their wson did. So she dumped him after it was blown sky high. But he had another OW waiting in the wings and she deliberately got preggers right after mother's day last year and moved in immediately with him after monkey broke up w/him..my xh ironically called me crying and all upset, but only for himself.

I would expose the affair. That would mean telling sig other's in OW's life, and in your life too. I wouldn't be vindictive and remember it's NOT A LB TO DO THIS. I told my x that we "might just get this all out in the open since this is what he wants."

Problem for me was the A had gone for months before I found out about it. I still don't believe I could done anything to prevent his A's. Or the D for that matter..In fact, it was revealed last week that although my xh has immediately remarried as of 6 weeks ago, he is back with OW1 and cheating on his new wife (i call her the wistress). I say do nothing else to the OW/OP, but do expose the affair to light of day.

Best advice I have ever gotten and I am applying it and basically using, despite my divorced status, as mental ju-jitsu against them (letting the two OW duke it out with each other)...

Advice was "DON'T BE THE GLUE THAT HOLDS THEM TOGETHER."

When you lash out at OW, insult her, or do anything, your H will defend her.

Hi zizzy,

I was wondering how close to the OW's job his mother, and sisters are? Perhaps them just showing up for lunch with your H (he works there too, right?) and making their presense known and their feelings known to him may help.

How strong is your H's families influence on him? How much does he care what they think of him/his behavior? I ask because before I told MIL about my H's A, that very weekend she gave him a card while sitting in our livingroom praising him for the "man he had become, and how proud of him she was." My H actually teared up at that point (from his own guilt.) They (his family there) were touched at how touched he was at that card. I just sat there and stared at him, knowing the kind of man he had become. But their opinion of him rated tons and this, I think, aided him in realizing the damage he had done to his own W and kids.

Have you ever confronted the OW before at all? If yes, how did that go?

I'd just say, "well, you know where she works and I cannot control what you guys do, you are all free agents." I think if anything is to be done it should be done by them, and you remain neutral so he can't accuse you of ANYTHING.

Don't worry about her life being all rosey, it can't be, she will reap what she sowed somewhere along the way and she has her own lessons to learn. I know you would love to see immediate results of this but sometimes it just takes time to reap. She's planting seeds of weeds in her life and will reap the same. In the meantime, you keep planting seeds of gorgeous bulbs that will bloom, in due time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

PS Too bad you're not in Plan A--I keep thinking you mentioned they work together and one way I KNOW I made OW's life miserable was simply by making my presense known at his office. Sending flowers, bringing him lunch, calling and she answers when the receptionist couldn't (after disclosure) and I ask if my H is there.....

Admittedly, I over-did it and wouldn't have called SO much or showed up SO much if I didn't know it would irk the nasties out of her.....LoL

I think, since they tried to 'erase' my existence for that time, that it was healing for me to make that loud statement that...Guess what, OW, I not only exist, but I'm right here....still with my H, loving him.......

(the above more of a vent)...but you're in Plan B now so I guess the flowers are not doable....

zizzycool

My husband told me that it was the way I reacted that made him "Break it immediately" with OW.
It was my understanding and softness that drew him back to me.

If I would of reacted "wicked" he would of ran!!!!

I would also like to say that being nasy will never have a positive outcome and even if it might feel good at first, this feeling will not last forever.
It also depends on what values you have for yourself.

I'm the kind of person that will never loose my face in open and mostly not in front of OW.
I want to maintain my class and style.

I have stayed this way all along and even if there were times I wanted to give OW a "Swift kick in the $SS!!" I stayed cool.

And you know what??? Without me loosing my class, she is having a miserable life right now.
She is getting divorced and my husband testified that he had an affair with OW for the court. (OWH asked my husband if he would do this.)

So this will mean that she will be getting divorced "guilty" and will have no $$$ and she'll have to work for the first time in her life.

So altogether I think it never pays to harrass and to make others lives miserable because sooner or later everyone will get what they deserve.

Why would it shorten the affair????Only you are going to look like a goof and the affairees will be glued together.

take care
bb

You've already gotten some good advice.

If your mom, MIL, SILs, & neice want to make the OW's life living hell, that's up to them...afterall, you can't control them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

However, if you allow the existence and behavior of the OW's low character and morals to make you behave badly, you've given her a lot of power over your life.

It may be hard to believe, but though her actions contribute to your heartbreak, she isn't your real problem, your husband and his weaknesses are the true problem.

Anger is normal. You've lost a degree of control over your own life, over the life you thought you had, over the expectations of the life you thought would have.

However, attacking/harassing/stalking/threatening can bring legal action against you.

You wouldn't be the first BS poster who has ended up with a well-deserved restraining order against them or a night in jail because they chose not to manage their anger.

The one certain thing at the end of your situation is that you have to live with you...and the consequences of your actions.

Negativity breeds more negativity, not positive outcomes.

If you want to have a calm talk with her and present your reality, that's something different than revenge or something "nasty".

It's ok to tell her that you love your H and want your marriage if she's never heard that part of the story. But, don't expect that to change anything about her.

Hi BB,

I have talked lots to my Mom in the last few days and this is some of the very same advice that she gave me. My Mom, unfortunately, has lots of experience in this department. My Dad has numerous affairs during their marriage, but he eventually came back to her and their marriage now seems really good. Of course, this has been many many years ago, but I think that I can trust some of my Mom's judgment since she knows me, my husband and like I said, she has experience in this area. :-(

She told me to stay in Plan A for now and to tell him firmly that it bothers me that he is still in contact with OW. She then told me to drop all talk of A and OW and to do things for myself that I've always wanted to do for myself. It is going to be difficult, but I'm gonna have to be strong for myself (AND him). My Mom said that I have basically given myself up for him and his needs and it is now time to get the old Kati back - the woman that he fell in love with a long time ago. She told me to not mention anything about the A and OW or ask about their plans or the two of them, but rather tell him about exciting things that I'm doing and just show love to him and try to satisfy his needs. This is what brought my Dad back to my Mom. He realized what a terrific woman my Mom was in the end and OW could have never compared to her.

I'm going to be classy and have fun and not be a wimply and crying mess. Who wants to come home to that???? I know my H very well and I'm close to his family and we have a large common circle of friends (I have told NOONE about this - yet). I realize now that OW is not perfect. She may be different than me - she likes soccer, marathons; I like dance and fitness, but she, too has issues and problems and sooner or later they are going to come out and they'll have to be dealt with and she's going to have to pick up her own pieces just like I have to.

Two days ago, I started by getting up in the morning, standing naked in front of the mirror and telling myself what a beautiful woman I am and that I am a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for.

I would never confront OW because in no way would I ever want to put myself on the same step than she is. She is definitely not worth any of my tears...

Kati

Angry confrontation, verbal abuse, and threats won't help anything. You will only hurt yourself as others have said.

That said, I still know how you feel...but those feelings are, for the most part, misdirected when the focus is on the OW.

Calmly making yourself known to the OW, letting her know that you are a fellow human with feelings and that you aren't giving up on your marriage easily is probably not going to hurt anything. But, as others have said it won't help your case, and could just prolong the misery.

I made lots of mistakes pre-MB. I may have done things differently had I these tools.

Kati's mom advised her well.

Vent here and heed the wise advice.

<small>[ March 11, 2004, 01:13 PM: Message edited by: 4give ]</small>

I'd also like to mention another thing.

I was talking to my husband some time ago and he told me that he would of "missed" the "soft and loving" me sooner or later.

He "hates" woman that get "wicked & hysterical" and it was always my "soft kinda loving way" that drew him close to him.

When I found out that he was having an affair, I instinctivly took him in my arms and "rocked him. I held him and stroked his hair and he was crying like a baby. I think this said more than words.

OW appeared to be this way when they met and I was going through "depression" so I'm sure my husband was longing for this "loving feeling".

Sooner or later my husband would of realized that OW was not what she was displaying to him.
Now that she is getting divorced, she is hysterical, drinks alot, has stolen money and emptied the house. She is far from the person that my husband thought she was......therefore I am more than satified with "me" that I was able to stay "myself" when times were terrible in my life.

My behaviour was extrodinary and my husband is definately aware of this.

I once read something that went sorta like this.
Treat others that have done something terrible, the best. Give them love and the best things you can imagine.
Deep inside they will "know" that they don't deserve it but it will "soften" their hearts towards you. They will not "understand" why they are being treated so good but they will be gratefull someday.
They will look back and not have anything "wicked" to think about. (only "maybe" themselves)
When someone reacts "quiet & soft" it will be acknowledged. You don't have to be "loud & wicked" to get attention.

take care
bb

I think making OW pay with alittle (ALOT) of pain is a great idea BUT ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I think revenge is so much nicer when it comes much later on down the raod . It needs to be thought out and sweet .

SLOW and damaging .

The advice you recieved is right on you can't come down to her level and she will only turn it to her advantage as someone said, the VICTOM ..PUKE

These feelings are totally normal . well for me they are . LOL

I wanted to (still do) want her die a slow painful death and hey I am in recovery LOL

give it some more time , my H ame back and now I quitly wait and plot.

I give it a couple of more months and I will feel much better .

SHE may end up homeless and out of work all in the same week . Thats a start considering I had to refinance my home 20,000 to bail me and H out of dept to pay off all the secret credit cards H used to buy her a LIFE !


Hold on and think carefully , everyone has a way that you can ruin them and cause them pain . Give it time .