After reading several posts over the past year I think there is something that needs to be said and I think it needs to be said from an XWS.When we are not in our right minds and are thinking of ourselves and the OP we don't need someone to be wimpy.We need someone to be strong.I needed my W to be strong and fight for us and our family.Because I wasn't capable of making good decisions.I was already being wimpy I didn't need her to be and thank God she wasn't.She confronted the OW and told her how it was going to be and what she was going to do if she didn't get lost.Even in the fog I didn't fight against this.I do need to say that my W is an extraordinary person.Our MC said she has the best instincts she has ever seen.She knew what to do and when to do it.She knew when to be hard on me and when to counsel me.Ask my W she thinks she is weak I think she is the strongest person I know.And that is what your WS needs.Someone to stand up to them.Someone to stand up for them.I know it sounds like it would hard to do.But remember you are not dealing with a sane person.You are dealing with someone who is confused,and not being smart emotionally.There is no such thing as a fair fight when you are fighting for your life and your family.Use what ever means you have at your disposal to get your WS to think and be emotionally inteligent.We all have our soft spots find theirs.Find something that will get your WS's attention and don't let loose.I hope this helps someone out there.

Thanks sweetie!

Than you very much for "telling the truth".

This is a message that needs to be heard and acted upon.

I hope that in seeing your dear W fight for your marriage, that you see just how precious you are to her. I pray you learn to see her the same way. God bless you!

Bump....I really hoped that NID and Heroswife would read this...I thought it might be helpful to hear a FWH perspective about what helped them.

Tellthetruth,

Please tell me how your W fight and be strong. I want to be stron and want to fight. But don't know how. What did she say to the OW? Please help me. I want to fight.

Thanks for the great post, Tell!

Thank you. I am also fighting for my M, through my WH's murky fog.

And about every-other day I wonder if I am on a fool's-errand.

Thank you so much!

SS

TellTheTruth / Forever -

I am so glad you posted here and brought this to my attention. It helps to hear these words from a FWS. I can't tell you how much your support has meant to me.

It is so hard to see through the pain sometimes. I have had some very very good days lately. Mostly in part to this board. My strength tends to just deminish based on his reactions to situations.

Can you describe some of your reactions that now appear to be an act of the fog?

M-I do realize how precious she is to me.She is my best friend, my partner, my lover for life.

Lost- My W did many things to fight. First thing she did and kept doing was to get me to be honest w/ myself and w/ her.She helped me get out of the fog by making me think about what I had done, what i was doing, and what kind of example I was setting for our kids.After the fog lifted she fought for complete honesty about what happened with OW and anything else I had not been truthful about.She pushed for a polygraph exam, which I failed the first time.I passed the second test after alot of purging.As far as the other woman she told her to stay away from our family(we were next door neighbors).She told her that if she didn't leave us alone she would do whatever it took,Tell neighbors,e-mail the whole neighborhood whatever it took....

Hero-The biggest one was reading posts from this website and several books (TA,SA) and thinking they didn't apply to me.I understood them but it wasn't me.After the fog looking back it was me I was acting that way and doing those things.The other thing that comes to mind is writing the NC letter.After reading SA I knew it was necessary but "I" didn't need it.WRONG!! WE needed it!!!
I was so affraid there was no way my W could forgive me for the things I had done I couldn't tell her the truth.Instead I gave her stories which were more hurtful for her.Being honest about the A was hard for me. But my W never stopped until she had the whole truth. The fog made me think I could keep it all from her and just let it goand we would be OK.

FT-Your welcome Honey.I love you.

I need to talk to WH about honesty. He even can not look into my eyes. He did not want to talk to anyone. How do i get him to open himself?

<small>[ March 12, 2004, 09:41 PM: Message edited by: chris37 ]</small>

Lost- My W kept asking me questions.She guessing as to how I was feeling what I was going through.She kept talking!She got me to read the books.She made me look at ME and ou children. She made me look at our past and all the good times and the bad times.During the fog I had made the bad times so much worse than they actually were.Suggest seeking professional help.Get him to talk to someone make suggestions.

Hi for those of you who asked what specific things I did during the early days of recovery, I listed some of those in Hero's Wife's thread.

Chris- Sorry it took so long.I think I remember your question.I think the key is honesty.You have to look at the OP honestly.If they were sych a great thing would tear a family apart to get what they want?

The OW was not my soulmate, she wasn't even a friend.A friend doesn't do that.A friend talks to you and never crosses the line.They help you in any other way they can.

Once I started seeing the real person and what she had done and was capable of, I became digusted with her and myself.

I hope that helps.

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It really sounds like I am doing the right thing after reading what forver did. I am doing those same things and they seem to be working. I have tried to tell WH that the OW is not a good person that a good person would never try to do this to a family. His answer is "it isn't her, it was me who persued it"...but SHE went along with it and is STILL going along with it. Even after seeing the anguish WH is in, she is still persuing it.

I am going ot let my WH read this thread. Thanks!

tellthetruth, reading your posts gave me a bit of hope today. Hope that maybe one day I will feel like I am with the man I once trusted and loved. Also, that I will know he loves me again.

It's been a bad morning. It started when my H early in the morning initiated sex with me. Since OWs last day working for him 17 days ago he has shown no interest in sex with me. He is in deep withdrawal. We were into the foreplay when I wanted to kiss him, and he was totally not interested. Then I got a flashback of something I got him to tell me last week. That he and OW used to kiss a lot, among whatever else they did. I'm reading "Not Just Friends" and it talks about Post Traumatic Stress symptoms after an A, one being flashbacks. Well, that's what happened to me. Realizing how he had been kissing her, and now doesn't want to kiss me, just brought the whole painful reality back. He told me last week he is thinking about her all the time, and wants to contact her, but hasn't. This morning he told me those feelings haven't diminished.

I have been very strong throughout this. Not a wimp. However, today I feel like a wimp. I can't imagine healing from the pain of deception. I can't imagine looking at my H again as someone other than a stranger. And I definitely can't imagine my H realizing the things that you did about the OW in your life. I hope one day if we can heal from this he can see her for what she is. This book talks about having friends who are "friends of the marriage." She was no friend of our marriage. And because of that she was not a friend to H. But he's not ready to see that now, and maybe never will be.

My H is making all the right moves, such as: firing her, NC, going to MC. However, he is in withdrawal and I know he is very ambivalent. As far as me, I want to be anywhere but in this hell he created. So I can go through this hell, or the hell of divorce. I'm sticking with this hell at the moment.

How long did your withdrawal last? Did it take a while before the fog really lifted? How did you know? Did you feel love for your W again? Any further insights you can send my way are appreciated. It really is helpful to hear from a recovered, unfogged WS. Thanks! CV

If you read my thread, you can see how foggy my WH is. He was telling me not being honest. He said I was doing things behind him. I called people telling them the A. I am harming the OW's family. He denied the A. He said "just friend", I like to talk to her, b/c I had nothing to talk to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I really hoped that NID and Heroswife would read this...I thought it might be helpful to hear a FWH perspective about what helped them.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've read it Forever <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . For the most part I think I have been strong. I have confronted the OW and told her to stay the H*** away from my family that it is not her F*****( and I never use such language - she has brought out that!)place to be my H's friend and help him through hard times. I've told her her presence in my M is destroying a 10 year old boys family and if she has any consideration what so ever, she should get the h*** away from my family.

My H knows I am fighting for him. He sees that and appreciates it, although it bothers him that it has taken an OW to make me do so.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I need to talk to WH about honesty. He even can not look into my eyes. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lostnhurt, this is something my H has been doing. He is starting to look me right in the eyes and tell me that he has not contacted her (not since the night I caught him in the garage about 10 days ago, I think). I think I can read him, and he can read me. I think he's being honest. When I look in his eyes, I feel like I can see his soul. Not so long ago, when I would look at him I could not find any love there. Now I see it. I haven't been LBing in quite some time. I wish I hadn't LB'd from the beginning, it was just so hard. Now that I'm calmer and more at peace with myself, it is easier to not LB.

Tellthetruth, did your W go into Plan B? If so, how did you feel?

CV- Withdrawl lasted about one week.The fog lifted pretty quick.I loved my W I just didn't think there was hope.How could she love me or want me after what I had done.You are doing the right things.Being on this site is one of them.My W and I received a lot of help here.There were plenty of bad days that someone on this site hepled us through.The other thing is PC.Is your H seeing a PC?I had bothand let me tell you my PC helped me more than I can say.I would suggest a PC for your H.


nid- No plan B for us! On d-day I made the choice that my W and family were what I wanted most in this world.


To those who aren't sure if you can trust that your WS is being completely honest I have one word for you, Polygraph.I never thought I would be suggesting this but it helps both parties, It gives the BS the whole truth with no doubt.And it givres the WS a starting point to rebuilding trust.

PC is IC.Sorry not up on the whole initial thing.