I've been lurking here for awhile and am having a bad time right now.

I am having a hard time getting over my H's EA. It hurts so bad that that he could falling in love with OW. I would have rather he had had just sex than to give someone else the love and attention that should have been mine. The problems in our marriage isn't all of his fault. Both of us had stop working on it. He has chronic depression and at times is unavailabe to met my EN. If guess I just thought he would never really love me, so I thought I should just find something else to fill my EN. I got over involved in the local theatre. It was the only thing in my life was was positive, gave me a feeling that I was important. I didn't have an affair, but it was going outside of my marriage to met my needs.

Well, while I was doing this, he became very friendly with a woman at work from Brazil. Even though she didn't have a green card, they let her come to work. She could not be paid, but could work there. She could do research for her PhD. She worked in his office with him everyday. She needed his help for getting her green card, getting her PhD, getting her money so she could leave her hubby. In 10/02 since her green card hadn't come it, the boss told her not to come back until she got her card. I didn't know it at the time, but he and she were calling each other at least once a day on his cell phone after that. While I was at the theatre, he was taking her and her family to our place in NM. ON his birthday 11/02, she painting a picture of him in NM. She added a picture of him smiling at the cabin, another one of him with HER son, shooting, and a sailboat in the background. His dream was to have a boat. Soemthing I knew he wanted, but he also shared with her. I felt that the painting wasn't something a friend would have done, but something a lover would have. 12/02 he said he knew I didn't love him and that if I just said the word, he would go out and get an apartment. We were not getting along well. I was angry at him most of the time. Angry that he was in love with someone else. For him to want to move out, I knew there had to be someone else. Also in 12/02 we were having problems with our D. I started to look at the cell bills, and found the call on his phone to her home and her cell number. I LB big time. I got "we're just friends." Once when I asked if he was in love with her I got"Well, at least she makes me happy."

I was so upset. I thought he couldn't love anymore. But he did, but not with me. IN 1/03 he said he'd would stop seeing her. But he didn't. They still called. They went out for a few more lunches. In 6/03 she was supposed to have moved to mexico. But they were only on vacation. On 8/03,they went out to lunch. I came home, he wasn;t there. His cell phone rings, her H is looking for her. God, I felt like I got hit by a mack truck. I called his office and left a message said her H was looking for her. He came home, tried to say he didn't telling me he was going to lunch because of the way I behaved and he was just avoiding a conflict. He didnt do anything wrong. I told him that he was lying to me, not avoiding a conflict. Finally I think he realized what he had been doing. But not until he told me that he could tell her thing he couldn't tell me. That it was so much easier to talk with her instead of me.

All during this time of his EA, he found fault with me. I used to think I was a decent person, but with his EA, the problems I had at work and with our D, I feel like a rotten mother, wife, worker, etc. I quit going to the theatre while he was in his EA, hoping to show that our M was more important. I tried to show him that I would change so are M would work. But I also Lb, too. He would tell me that I was hormonal, and had to take HRT. I refused. God, what a mess everything was.

She has left and says he hasn't contacted her. But I still hurt so bad sometimes. I just start on some anti-d, but I'm not sleeping. Thought I get on here to see if venting would help. I want this rollercoaster ride to stop. Please help.

<small>[ March 12, 2004, 06:08 AM: Message edited by: shay919 ]</small>

Welcome Shay~

My dh also had an EA, his was with his Ex-fiance. I found e-mails between the two telling of their love for each other, how they were soul mates and only belonged together, that their current marriages were a mistake. That was over a year ago, and it is still hard for me to think about, write about etc.. I did think so many times that it would have been easier for him to have sex with a stranger than have to deal with his "love" for his "soul mate".

He says he is no longer contacting her, has he sent an NC letter?

Does he say he is willing to work on the marriage?

Right now you really need to work on meeting his needs. I know it sounds hard, but you have to show him you can/will be the wife that he wants and needs. Basically, you need to be in Plan A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I used to think I was a decent person, but with his EA, the problems I had at work and with our D, I feel like a rotten mother, wife, worker, etc </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He chose to have the affair. You are a great person. This does not define who you are. Sure you made some mistakes in the marriage, so did he and I would say so did everyone else here at MB. Noone is perfect.

I do have one question though, with him spending so much time with her are you sure that this wasn't also a PA? For your safety he may need to be tested for Std's.

DO you know what his needs are? Will he take the ENQ here? WIll he allow you to meet his needs?

Sorry this e-mail is everywhere, but I just woke up and haven't rebooted my brain with caffeine yet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

That is a typical EA kind of story. So be comforted in that you are not alone here. The events that take place toward the EA are so predictable. So, now you must learn about how to make improvements.

Do you feel love for him? (you can get it back) Does he feel love for you still? Have you shared all of these thoughts that you spoke of in your post with him.

I do think it is entirely of importance to have NC - no contact- that is. jReading Shirley Glasses book , Not Just Friends is an excellent source and will help both your H and you feel some better understanding about your situation.

It is about like clockwork that you can see how these EA's unfold, once you learn about them. And when we learn about them, we can shield ourselves from all of the harm that they do cause.

Pulling the WS in is important to do. We know our spouses pretty good. We feel that we have lost the love for them and they for us, when we allow our lives to grow apart. It happens all of the time.

We don't have to stay and live like that, however. We can choose to make things better. And ultimately better than ever.

Using the four rules; care, protection, honesty, and time. That is found in the Harley literature here. Also, reading Surviving An Affair is a good start.

There is an investment in your marriage, that any kind of A can not have. You have shared many many intimacies, and problems that you have been through, which are tests of time...An affair partner has not these complete things. It is like a dream to the WS. (nightmare to the BS) But what you can learn out of this is alot.

What have you read about so far? Have you been to a counselor yet? MC yet?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> All during this time of his EA, he found fault with me. I used to think I was a decent person, but with his EA, the problems I had at work and with our D, I feel like a rotten mother, wife, worker, etc. I quit going to the theatre while he was in his EA, hoping to show that our M was more important. I tried to show him that I would change so are M would work. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is in a fog Shay. I am so sorry for you. I know your pain. My H has been having an EA for almost a year. I've known about it for about 8 months. They supposedly stopped "personal" contact, but I found evidence later that my H continued to lie to me. An EA is extrememly painful and what makes it harder is that the WS doesn't think it is an A. Whats even worse is that my H refuses to stop it in order to save our M. He is convinced that we probably should not be together. It is heart wrenching.

If your H has stopped contact, that is a good thing. Read all you can here and learn what you should do to make your M work. If he has stopped contact, you are in a good place, much farther ahead than I.

I will pray for you.

Thanks for replying. I have read Surviving an affair. It has been very helpful. I do love him and have been trying to met his needs. He seems to be coming out of the fog. He has been trying to met my needs. He has told me that he regrets the EA. He has been more supportive and kinder than he has been in years.

At this point, I think he wants to drop it since it is over for him. I wish I could drop it as well. But I need time to work thru it all. It feels like I'm dealing with post tramatic stress!

I do beleive that they didn't have sex. That is why he had a hard time seeing this thing as an affair. He was justifying that their behavior was ok because sex wasn't involved. As if they were taking the high road because sex was not part or not yet a part of their relationship.

Shay said:.." feels like I'm dealing with post tramatic stress"

And you need to take care of those feelings. Read, Not Just Friends. Your H does not truly understand this whole thing, and you won't either til you read this great work of a book! If my H did not read this, not so sure I would be as happy as I am today. His EA was devastating to me. This book was perfect medicine for us.

For twenty five dollars it is worth the money and the time.

MR WFLOWER here:

Shay,
I hope you don't mind - this is Mr. WFLOWER (she is a kind gal, let's me use her computer and all...)

Your story sounds very similar to ours. I cannot recommend enough that your H reads "Not Just Friends", as well as you. It is THE text on surviving this mess that an EA causes, for both the BS and WS. I also strongly recommend letting him see your posts here, and talking together about what you learn from the concepts. Take the EA questions together, make time for the 15 hours/week (or more!) The way to recovery is not insurmountable at all, if you both truly want it. And remember initially, it only takes one.

Even when WF and I were in counseling together, I was denying the EA myself, and for the exact same reasons that your H has in not coming to grips with it. It's hard to come out of that part of the fog, even long after the EA is over.

When I read the book first, I was struck with the facts, and all the similarities to my behavior with the OW. Not long afterwards, and well into our recovery stage, I might add, I realized that I had something big to confess. It took everything I had to try to hold back this truth from my wife, as I was afraid of losing her. We had fallen deeply in love again, and I couldn't go forward keeping this secret between us as a result of it. See the delemma? Remind your H that the clock turns back to zero if he waits on this. Start now on really understanding the EA for what it is, and what you can do together to survive it. Believe us, you can have a better relationship than you ever dreamed after getting through it.

Please see WF's thread on "Is this Cheating?", where there's a great discussion on EA's.

I want to be very careful about how I approach him about the book. I think he is very remorseful about the EA. I don't want him to feel that I keep beating him up with the EA. I want to work on the root problem of the marriage. After all, the problems in our marriage that lead up to the EA were caused by both of us, not just him. And honestly, if the right person at the right time approached me, I could say for certain that I wouldn't have done the same thing. When one is lonely, the attention and amiration is very seductive.

<small>[ March 12, 2004, 03:04 PM: Message edited by: shay919 ]</small>