During MC, time and again, WH cannot understand why I would forgive him and be with him again, yet I tell him I never even want to be in the same room with OW. Say, for instance, SCOUTS!

Brief background: OW is single, with 2 kids, our kids go to Scouts together, WH is their leader, and not so long ago I called her "best friend."

I told him because him and I have a history, 15 years, 2 kids, I am willing to invest in him again.

And he shoots back that if I am only getting back with him for those reasons, they are the wrong reasons.

WH says that according to my belief in Christ, I should forgive her, and also be able to get along with her, even on camping trips!

I said, I might forgive her some day in the future for my own well-being, but I will never want to go camping with her.

WH says that is hypocritical and not Christian. That I am being selfish.

WH is still foggy. Maybe nothing I can say to him will make sense right now. I was just wondering if someone had a different way for me to word my response. Maybe someone who sees it differently.

I am also open to the possibility that I am wrong. Perhaps I am setting my sights too low. Perhaps I am being selfish and self-centered and not seeing beyond the end of my nose. If I were being those things, I would surely be that last to know, without someone telling me.

Thanks all!

SS

You did npt say anything wrong. What you said is 100% perfect. Stick to it.

A victim of rape may come to intellectually understand that her attacker was emotionally and mentally unstable.

She may even, in time, come to forgive his actions.

That doesn't mean she'll ever be chums with him.

It takes a LONG time for a WS to get past the "why can't you just forget it?" attitude. For a while they're just not quite willing to totally give up OP. Then after that, *they* know there is absolutely totally and completely no threat, so why should *you* worry? And then after that they understand how you feel and how big and deep and permanent the repercussions of their actions are. Baby steps (don't you get sick of hearing that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

You're doing well.

Husband...

I forgive her being so lost in her life that she chose a path of great pain to fill a void that is inside of her....

I forgive her for having such a low belief system of her own value and worth that she went looking for things that can only be filled from within and not from you

I forgive her for not being in touch with her own soul enough...and so readily to turn her back on those things that are honorable and good...


But all my forgiveness does not change the fact that her actions discarded all that is good in you as well as me...and our children....

forgiving is done...
but there is no friendship there...
and in being true to myself I will not pretend and make a mockery of what I believe in....

ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Spider Slayer:
<strong>

WH says that according to my belief in Christ, I should forgive her, and also be able to get along with her, even on camping trips!

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, sure you should forgive her if she ever asks for forgiveness, that is a Christian obligation. That doesn't mean you should ever see her again. When the bank robber repents, that doesn't mean we give him the keys to the bank again! When the child molester repents that doesn't mean you ask him to babysit!

I find it disturbing that your H wants you to associate with such a dangerous person. Is it because he wants to continue contact?

Forgiving someone and letting them back in your life are ENTIRELY different things. You are obligated to forgive - IF SHE ASKS - you should not give her another chance to wreck your life.

Nor should you associate with someone who will make it almost IMPOSSIBLE for you to recover from the trauma of an affair. Doesn't he understand that you need no contact in order to recover?

MY FWH is also a very religious person (reconnected and redevoted after dday)..he too was troubled with why HE can't forgive OW...our MC who is also deeply religious told my H that God wouldn't judge him for not forgiving OW yet...there is a time for everything and time just hasn't come yet.

As for me....I may forgive her someday..it's 16 mths past dday and don't hate her as badly. However...I would never trust her again!!! Never want to be around her again!!!

I forgave my H and learned to trust him again because we had 20 years of built up trust pre A and a couple months of lies and betrayals. Then he dedicated himself to doing all the HARD WORK to become trustworthy again...he did IC, MC, read books, learned to communciate his thoughts and feelings, learned to be an open book with me, let's me check up on him in any way I see fit without holding it against me. He's earned my trust and forgiveness...she hasn't!!

Turtlehead -

Thank you. You are correct. WH will either get it one day, or he won't. And I do get sick and tired of hearing baby steps, but that is because of my own impatience. Not because baby steps are bad. I have to realize that moving forward at all, on any day, is a good thing. Even if that progress cannot be seen until a lot of those days have added up. Cumulative affect.

ark -

Awesome reply. Thank you. That is exactly how I feel about her.

Melody -

No, WH does not get No Contact. OW has dumped him for her old BF. She supposedly has seen the error of her ways, thinks what they did was wrong, has repented to God, etc. WH still doesn't really see it as a mistake, because he was in love with her. Puke. And still has feelings for her. Double puke.

WH is still in the fog. He lives in a tiny apartment. He insists on staying in Scouts with her and our children. He really doesn't see what the problem is. They are "just friends." Again. That is how this whole mess happened! Triple puke!

It's worse than talking to a brick wall. I hope he becomes unfoggy soon before I have to whack him upside the head, and someone will have to call Alladin Bail Bonds and come get me out of the slammer.

Dumb man. Sorry all WS, but that is just how I feel about my WH right now. He is totally clueless.

I posted an email he sent to me on Recovery board. He is so self-involved, I had comments from several posters that they thought I was the WS! That he was the one betrayed! Good grief.

I am ASSuming that he is capable of coming out of this fog eventually. Since he was dumped, I heard it could take longer because he didn't end it on his own.

Ug. Dumb man.

SS

Ask him if he's studied up on dogs that return to their vomit in the scriptures?

His attitude is at a puke factor of 10!

<small>[ March 12, 2004, 09:52 AM: Message edited by: KaylaAndy ]</small>