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Every few days my wife says I should leave, or she should leave. I know it's the roller coaster she is riding, but she says it is her house (because she decorated it - I only paid for it) and that I should leave. If I don't leave, then she has a place to go (another divorced friend who has been such a wonderful influence - not).
The question is...how do I respond to her saying she will leave?? I have told her she can come and go as she pleases, but that really makes her angry. I don't think it's a LB - or is it?? She hasn't moved out yet, but it's a possibility. I am still wearing my wedding ring too - and that makes her angry - anyone have any thoughts?
Yesterday she changed her email password - all part of the cover-up. Well, since I am still gathering intel (and purchasing some things over the internet)and she knows my email password, I changed mine. I have computer monitoring software set up on the computer so I can see what is going on - so I am not worried about the email intel - I can see what's going on there.
Since I am about to leave again for a few weeks, I am thinking about getting a vehicle tracking system - anyone ever used one??
Last one - how do you know when and how to expose the A to the OM and his BS?? Anyone got any good ideas - and is that considered a LB??
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EXSPOSING the A is not a LB . AT least from not what I understand . I just think you need to collect all you can first .
Good Luck
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From what I have learned here, if the WS wants the marriage to end, then LET THEM END IT! Do not do any footwork/paperwork to help it along. If your WS says "you leave or I will leave" let HER LEAVE! In some states, if you leave she can say you abandoned her in court. Do not give her any ammunition. You should expose the affair to the OM's spouse immediately. A lot of the times that breaks thrilling fantasy and the secrecy that affairs thrive on!
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by apache03: <strong>Last one - how do you know when and how to expose the A to the OM and his BS??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the most important question you asked.
What are you waiting for?
Please read the post linked in my sig line below and all the embedded links. Much discussion on exposure.
Exposure IS an LB - but a calculated one. One step back for a potentially HUGE step forward.
As to your other questions, it sounds as if you're giving the right answers, but we can't tell the tone of your answers. Her anger may be simply that, by definition, you are Public Enemy #1 and ANYTHING you do or say will make her angry. She is projecting her quilt on to you, thus helping her justify her behavior.
Do not vacate your home. Big mistake. Yes, refusal to leave will be an LB. Unavoidable.
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Today hasn't started out well. Mostly because of last night. We were doing work inside the house and watchiing American Idol. My W likes to watch it but I think it's sort of rediculous (it is funny to watch though). Anyway, we ended up sitting on the sofa and my W got a little playful and started dancing to the music. After a while she stopped and said she was sorry for being a tease. That type of response just makes me angry. Here she is, acting like a husband and wife should act, and she feels bad about it. This has happened a few times in just the past week.(UUUUGGGGHHHH!) I am really trying to do the right things and help my marriage have a chance to work out, but I am really getting frustrated with her "fog". Sometimes I wish she would just go away, continue to follow this absurd path of decisions and get what's coming to her. She still hasn't admitted to an affair, and I don't think she will until everything hits rock bottom for her.
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Hi Apache, Things will hit rock-bottom for her quicker if you expose the A to the OP's Wife. Have you done that yet? I agree, let her be the one to leave... dont make this any easier on her, OK. I know you are frustrated by her fog, but ignore it... Remember the big picture/goal. Take care - Dru
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The question is...how do I respond to her saying she will leave??
You say something like: "Hon, I don't want you to leave, and I don't think it is the the right thing to do, but I realize you are free to choose. Your going away would make me very sad, and I am sure I would hurt for a long time, but I am also sure that I am a strong person and that I would live through it."
Then say it makes you sad and you don't want to talk about it any longer and walk away.
This is just a suggestion, and you would need to do it in your own words, but I think that is the attitude you should take. If she comes back about it again, just repeat it over and over, just like name, rank, and serial number.
If she can follow the WS script, you can follow the BS script.
Sorry you have to go away again, can't answer your question about tracking. Hope you make this work.
SS
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Thanks all for the responses. I know I will be sticking to the plan and I will continue to respond to her "moving out" requests in much the same as in the past - I'm not trying to trap her, she can leave if she wants to, but I want to work on the marriage. A few times lately, I have found her in front of the mirror staring and her eyes are red and teary. She says it's because of contact lenses, but I don't think so - she's there for quite a while. I wonder if she is trying to reason her way through this or out of this. She isn't stupid, in fact, she is very smart and thoughtful. I just think she is (and always has been) afraid of being judged. In the past, other people's opinions have mattered the most to her. Now I think, she realizes/knows that if the truth comes out,other people's opinions will not be positive. I really think her fear of that will keep her from telling me the truth. I fear she will have a breakdown before the truth comes out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to let her off the hook, but I feel as bad for her as I feel for me. This is truly a sad time for us both, but I'm not going to give up on something I believe so strongly for - US.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by apache03: <strong>I just think she is (and always has been) afraid of being judged. In the past, other people's opinions have mattered the most to her. Now I think, she realizes/knows that if the truth comes out, other people's opinions will not be positive. I really think her fear of that will keep her from telling me the truth.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">apache - the longer you wait to expose the affair, the longer you'll have to watch her suffer and the longer the time for your love bank to drain down. She is a prime candidate for exposure. One step back for many steps forward.
WAT
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I agree with WAT. This sword is just hanging over her head. WS's like to convince themselves that nobody knows, but in reality there are usually more people aware of what's going on than they think. Exposing it all now will at least speed that process up. They're like any other addict. Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they can start to pull themselves up.
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Oh boy do I remember those days. For me I use to tell my husband that all the time that I was gonna leave I am th BS. This is before I knew what was going on with him. Maybe that pushed him away from me big time, well actualy I knew it did. But when he called me on it I finally stopped saying that and I told him that I wanted to save the marriage and would stop saying it so I did. Then he kept going back and forth if he wanted to leave. He did a few times and came back. I remember one night stands out in my mind because that is when the discovery of the non admitted affair came to light. But I told him I wasn't leaving and that I wanted him to stay and that if he wanted to leave that was his choice but I wanted him to stay. I told him that over and over. I think he was having a hard time deciding between this other person (she is M too and has a baby) and me. But like everyone says if you want the marriage to work do not leave and don't file until you are truely ready in your heart to do so.
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Last night I helped my W create a very nice PowerPoint Presentation for work. We worked on it together for about 3 hours. In the past (prior to the last year and a half) we did this quite frequently. It wasn't easy, but we had some fun also. We also talked about MY meeting with the MC yesterday (she has never been - it's only been me going). She listened to my recap of what was discussed and then went to bed without saying a word. This morning we got up early to go back thru the presentation looking for errors/improvements and once again talked about my visit to the MC. She started to open up and talk about our relationship. I think she is realizing (to herself) the gravity and consequences of her behavior, but can also see that there is hope for us. She hasn't admitted anything yet other than she thinks that the MC is letting me off the hook for my part in the relationship and that she has been made the "bad guy". I told her that I'm not getting off the hook, but since I am the only one willing to discuss our relationship (and her behavior) with the MC - I am the only one who is dealing with my issues. She said we have both done things which are wrong and that she has a lot of anger built up. I think the "fog" is beginning to lift (if even only for a short while), and that she might soon tell me the truth. She would not look at me when she was talking so that tells me she fears looking me in the face and telling me the truth. I think it will come and I think the plan is working. She is now showing more affection towards me (it has benn a while) and is sitting in my lap and doing the things she used to. I am a very "touchy" affectionate person and am now allowed to be more so. Only time will tell where we go from here. I am really glad I found this website and the books. There is much hope.
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apache - please take it slowly. You're doing well.
Time is on your side.
Please update us on your assessment of continued contact with OM.
WAT
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I have not contacted OM or his W yet - advice of my MC - but that doesn't mean I will not in the near future. I have never found anything on her email which shows any contact and am continuing to look. He did leave her a voice mail (cell phone) last week that led me to think that she hasn't had contact with him in a few weeks. Also, she has not worked on her quest for a career change in the last couple of weeks either. She has been trying to get a job in the same career field as the OM (pharm sales). To me that is significant because had been working very hard on it up until a couple of weeks ago - now showing very little interest.
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OK, good.
Can you enlighten us why your MC recommended no contact for you with OM or his wife?
You understand that this is contrary to just about every other MC on this planet, right? - or at least contrary to the good ones.
That said, if you are confident contact isn't occuring and progress is being made, it could be counterproductive to contact OM/wife until your wife is ready to send a NC letter, which should go to BOTH OM and his wife. She deserves to know.
WAT
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What I should've said is my MC doesn't advise exposure yet - until I set a plan to take care of ME first and a plan to deal with what my W might do. Preparation for exposure - which includes showing my W that I am not a doormat (and not driven by my emotions about the A). He said that I must prepare myself for what comes, and that basically my W is going to do whatever she wants with the A, regardless of my feelings. I need to be able to live-on and show her that I am living a normal life (while doing a better job in areas I have failed in the past). Make myself more desirable and available.
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Interesting day today. We both slept late (which rarely ever happens), got up and watched a DVD while having breakfast. During the movie my W moved my hand to "touch" her and then things got hot and we ended up having sex. This hasn't happened in a long, long time. It was great, but some things she said and did during alarmed me. She asked me to do things she has never asked before. She said things I have never heard her say before. Afterwards, my mind kept picturing scenes of her with OM and wouldn't go away fow a while. BTW, when we were done I got up to walk to the kitchen, hit my toe on some furniture and broke my toe. That sucked! Anyway, just wondered if anyone else had noticed their spouses sexual behavior change. I'm not sure how to deal with it. We had a great rest of the day, but my mind is stuck on what happened this morning. This afternoon she told me she is "so conflicted" and that's all she said. Any thoughts???
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