My WW finally told me that she is having an A. She has been calling the OM since January, they work together in the same office. So I think as long as they are living together I have no chance. This past Wed. she finally admitted to the A. She told me she was living with a female friend from work, which was a lie she is living with OM who is going through a Divorce himself right now. She has been there since Feb. 11th. My W came over Wed. night to talk she was mad at me for calling her friend at work that she said she was staying with so I asked if my wife ever stayed at her place and friend said not at all.
My W and I had a good talk, I didn't get angry and I got info on this site to help me talk to her. I told her that the affair was both our faults, me for not meeting her emotional needs and her for not letting me know what emotional needs I wasn't giving her. I'm going on lunch now to see if Borders has Surviving an Affair so I can start reading right away. I ask my W to think about our marriage before she gets Divorce papers. We hugged and she told me she couldn't make any promises, I told her I can respect that. Am I giving too much?

are you giving too much?? i am amazed at how you reacted, i personally think you are incredible. It really leaves me dumbfounded. You are loving your wife for better or for worse, thru thick and thin. I think your ability to do that really speaks volumes about who you are. By all means, don't stop!!! There is no better way to heal your marriage and draw your W back to you. My H fought for our marriage for 2 1/5 yrs (although he did not know about A, he just knew I wanted out). But he never stopped believing that we belonged together. His love for me would not end and now we are so close. I am struggling now with confessing to him. He knows about some of it, but he believes it was all just online stuff.

Keep loving her.

John,
There is alot of info you have not revealed. so I'm going to shoot from the hip. Read the book, it will give you a ton of insight on how affairs work. Don't listen to your natural response. Do the opposite of your feelings. So far you are doing well, but it will get much harder. Tell as few people as possible because they will judge your wife harshly and tell you to dump her. Only tell a close friend who will help you stay strong and committed to your M. Chances are this A has been going on for a lot longer than you know. Ignore much of what your W says about how she feels about OM, it is "fog" speak. You need to see her as someone in an addiction. Your goal is to break the addiction and get to recovery.

The most important thing right now is for you to decide how much you will give up to save your marriage. Will you save your M at ALL costs? You must make a choice now because you are in the fight of your life. Keep in mind that almost all affairs end. The longer you hang in there, the better your chances. Unfortunatly and unfairly, it is entirely on your shoulders to save your M. You will have be proactive, but not coercive. Take it as a positive that she met with you and considered reconciliation.

She will eventually see the faults of OM. I'm sure he's no gem for two reasons. One he is willing to break up another M and two he is being divorced. Both things point to a very selfish person. That selfishness will be his demise when your WW sees it and compares him to you. You must show her why she needs to choose you. You must be unselfish and humble.

There is no room for pride in your heart now. However, don't beg or cling. She needs to see you can move on if you are left with no choice. Also, you must believe that divorce is not an option. Stay strong, positive and committed. You need to be attractive to her, just remember you can't control her, but you can influence her.

There is alot more, but you are off to a good start. Avoid focusing on the A and focus on getting to recovery. There will be many ups and downs in the months to come.

Christ's love,
Roman121

I thank you for your insight but it's too late my whole family knows about the A. They tell me I should just give up, but I just have to do what my heart tells me to do. I tried to hate my wife after she told me but I love her too much. I know that she is the greatest person to be around when she is happy, so this is what I hold on to. I told her that I would not contact her while she was living with OM, that is so I don't put pressure on her. This is the hardest thing to do. I do call her when there is business to take care of and thats it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Roman121:
<strong>Tell as few people as possible because they will judge your wife harshly and tell you to dump her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Other than this statement, Roman, your advice was pretty sound. Affairs MUST be revealed to remove the secrecy.

Johns - have you become familiar with Plan A/B? It sounds as if you were implementing portions of Plan A - perhaps not knowing it - put if you're now not contacting her unless there is business to tend to, you are more in Plan B.

Do you have a legal separation?

We are not legalley seperated yet, I just started reading Surviving an Affair today and I'm about half way through. So I don't know where to be in plan A or B since WW is living with OM. I just found out on Sat. did some detective work made her mad she said I was stalking her. She also told me she was just living there looked at cell bill for the last couple of months and saw calls to him since Jan. I didn't want to believe that she could do this and the constant lieing was the worst, all I wanted was the truth. The problems started typically like her saying "I'm just not happy" and the ever popular "I don't love you anymore" and lets not forget the "I feel like we're just 2 people living in a house. I'm not sure if the OM gave up his wife to be with mine. As soon as my WW left she said she wanted a Divorce. She was sad though when I told her I changed out the locks on the house after I found out where she lived, she started crying. So I don't know what to do right now.

<small>[ March 12, 2004, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: Johns98ck ]</small>

Please give us some more info including marriage history, your ages, children, what was taking place several months preceeding her moving out.

What is the state of your joint finances and jointly owned property? What kind of "business" is there to take care of?

WAT

Ok here it is. My W and I have been married for 2.5 years we have no children. We make good money I live in the house and she is in his apartment, in a bad part of town. We have known eachother for 6 years. I was not meeting her emotional needs by spending too much time on the computer at home. I also lied about me smoking. My work said layoffs so I am the low man on the totempole so I was nervous so I started smoking again. I was really taking out of the love bank. These are decisions that I made and I am not proud of them, but I feel this is no reason to get a divorce. I know my feelings at this point don't matter because it's her feelings for me. She said I was pushing her away and thats because I was ashamed of my smoking. I should have told her the truth and I feel terrable about that. I am 36 and my WW is 29.

<small>[ March 12, 2004, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: Johns98ck ]</small>

Do you jointly own this house? Do you jointly own and other titled things such as cars?

The reason I'm asking is to establish how important it is for you to secure a legal separation.

Yes we own a house and her car. She said I can have the house I only believe this cause she feels guilty.

It may be because she feels guilty. But until you get her to sign a separation document stating you get the house, she's owns half of it. If you're on the car title, you own half of that. All this presumes you're in a community property jurisdiction.

Since she's moved out, I assume her family knows this? Do you believe she gave the same "girlfriend" story to her family? If her family doesn't know the truth, exposure of it to them is one thing you can do to attempt to motivate an end to the affair.

You're young, only married 2.5 years, no kids. One thing to consider is cutting your losses and starting over.

If you want to continue to try, finish SAA and make a judgement as to whether you've adequately communicated your desire to rebuild your marriage. A Plan A letter may be in order. This is a Plan B letter (described in SAA) without the "no contact" punch line.

Does she desire to have contact with you, or is it for "business" only for her as well?