I have not begun to expose the Divorce, or suspected EA/PA, but thought I'd post this letter for review. It is not complete as I am a Christian and must address that in the letter also. I've been praying very hard about this situation, my part in it, and to impact on my sons, extended family etc...

Dear XXXX,

I’ll be straight and to the point. I’ve blown it. I understand your feelings of anger and resentment; wanting to fix things after all these years. Divorce is a problem without a solution. Worse yet it wounds others deeply and never really heals.

I see 3 main area’s of distress between us:
1- You are unhappy. I believe that my apparent indifference has caused you to feel controlled and dependent – financially at least. I know well that you need to move forward in your life. What do you want to do? I’m not standing in your way. The boys and I will need to be more self-sufficient in any case. I do not seek to control you, but to be interdependent; support each other. To do so we will need to share our dreams.
2- We didn’t set each other at a top priority. I can do this and am eager to do so.
3- Our home, and location. I’m willing to put a plan together and stick to it with you. I’m also willing to sell it and get a different one. I’m also willing to re-locate once the boy’s graduate and I can retire. It’s closer than we think.

XXXX and YYYYY are fine, kind, even gifted children. No matter how well we adults think we will handle a Divorce they cannot help but deeply resenting us for literally breaking their hearts and home. They do not deserve to be taught that family members are disposable if they become annoying, sick, ugly, addicted, etc…
They should learn from our example that one must face the music, be brave, accept risk, and CHANGE when the old ways do not work. That is the example I’d be proud to demonstrate. I can tell you that I remember the vulnerability of being a boy their age. I shudder to think how I would have felt, what I would have done had my parents divorced. I am not suggesting that we stay unhappy. Let’s get back our lives and show them how it’s done.

I’ve examined our life and it isn’t something I’m proud of. Sure you could have done things differently but I DID let you down. I’ve examined my needs/dreams. In short, I’d like to:

· Consider the BEST interests of my family first; and if we do not agree to yield on the side of supporting my family. Right now that means being there for John and Augustus, having FUN with them, and showing them how a Man does things (it’s good to be organized, send cards to loved one’s, work/play hard, be enthusiastic…).
· Live a life with a NICE home. It doesn’t need to be the biggest, but should exhibit a care, attention, and cache that is currently absent. This will require effort and attention. To be honest, I have been arrogantly thinking I could do it all that it wasn’t that bad. It is that bad and I was wrong. I’ll follow your lead and seek your (or professional) advice before taking on a project I’m not qualified to do. Not just put it off. This priority has rich potential. I am actually quite skilled at financial arranging and can show you how we can pay fpr these items.
· A Boat. Sail preferred. I was afraid to take on the responsibility of a boat. I knew we were in trouble and didn’t want to add another responsibility. You and John, and Augustus are more important than any object, boat, vehicle, kitchen counter, etc...
· I want to be involved with your family. I’m especially fond of your Dad and David. I’m very willing to visit more and build a relationship were they will want to visit and you can be proud when they do. I don’t sense that they have written me off. I think they would welcome me with blessings when my priorities are aligned.

I’m investing in these areas. I see a lot of my ‘old Good self’ here; my dreams. I’d like to share them with the 3 of you. I have not kindled this fire in haste; it burns with enduring passion and faith. I know where my treasure needs to be invested.

I’d like to apologize for, and turn away from, my specific failings, but right now I’m seeking a dialog with you. What rings true to you? Where do you agree? What emphasis would you change?. What measurable goals can we set to ensure we’re making progress and not fooling ourselves?

Denise many couples get this far and much worse, yet turn around and THRIVE in a short period of time.

With great respect, admiration, and affection,

SeekingBetter


Comments on content, timing, whatever you have. I'm sitting on this until Monday. She's got a nasty cold this week. I'm nurturing and will take our sons skating, to play ball and Church... Last days of protection phase....
THANKS!!

<small>[ March 26, 2004, 06:29 AM: Message edited by: SeekingBetter ]</small>

I think it is a good letter. However Plan A is better if you do actions. Are you changing yourself and not LB'ing consistently?

This is good letter. I think I should write on like this to WH. Is it too late?

Hi - I've shown letter to several respected coaches. They report it is:
1 - To 'Preachy' - why MY WAY is superior...
2 - Too Long, specific.
3 - Focus should be entirely on My actions, intentions. Let her decide if/where she fits in picture.

I would LOVE to know what she wants to do with her life. That is a major barrier. I can't make her happy, but I sure can stay possitive, supportive, energetic and becom eth epossitive, caring, uncritical person we all would like ot be with.

Good luck. I'll keep this updated, but only once a week of so since she thinks I'm snooping if I use our computer. I'm investing in all me family relationships and they are responding. Wife is now VERY hostile, (was passively waiting out clock on D.) - so she is at least aware I'm doing something.
I'm staying supportive, cool, calm, but it's hard.
Thanks to folks on this board for your encouragement and PRAYERS!
SeekingBetter

Yes - I'm doing the ACTIONS required to earn some respect. She's feeling like I'm manipulating, faking it, but yesterday we spoke about a few smallish things for the first time in months. I boght her flowers, nice ones, and didn't get a gushy card, etc. Just broght them in and put in a vase. She smiled and was noticably more at ease. She even slipped and initiated a few short conversations.

I'll be reworking this letter this week for delivery next week. D still in process, but first sight of hope I've had.
SeekingBetter

Here is the re-drafted letter. I'd like some feedback. She's very very angy and sad, feels life is ruined, has passed her by. She's 44 smart, a hard worker, and great looking. Hardly a basket case except for the depression.

Her is the letter:

XXXX,
I’ll be straight and to the point. I’m not proud that it took this tragic situation to jolt me into evaluating myself. However, I have taken a long hard look at myself and I’m making needed changes in my life. My priorities are clear to me and I’m adjusting my actions accordingly. For example:
· I’ve humbled myself and determined to set aside anger, and any of it’s forms as far as humanly possible. It has not been very difficult, Anger kept me from listening, and gave me an excuse to do nothing positive.
· I am in counseling, and being treated as you know.
· Take note of, and maintain/improve our vehicles/home.
· Shut up and LISTEN when the opportunity presents itself. It is amazing to me how much better life can be when I know what the others around me are thinking and doing.
· Think ahead to see opportunities for bringing others joy (calls, cards, gifts, thank you’s etc…)
· Avoid being drawn into inappropriate/coarse conversations with anyone.
· Call and visit those who I care about and let them know how I feel, see how they are really doing.
· Drop my habit of sloppiness. It is not attractive, detracts from the quality of life of all of us, and served a poor example for our sons.

. I’ve felt that the divorce process is much like quicksand. That the deeper we go in the process the more likely we won’t be able to shake free when an if we realize we really can start a new relationship. I’ve let go much of this worry. I’m praying and trusting you on this.

I’ve examined my actions and even though it was many years ago I most deeply regret physically harming you. Sure you could have done things differently but I DID let you down. It is clear to me that you withheld a part of yourself and I didn’t nurture you back. I’ve plunged ahead when your counsel would have served me better. I wounded your enthusiasm, failed to share my own. I’m asking you again for your forgiveness. I have re-visited this issue over the last year plus with the children, and see no place for any physical or verbal aggression even under the flag of discipline.
I’ve examined my needs/dreams. I see a lot of my ‘Old Good Self’ here; my dreams. I’d like to share them with the 3 of you. I have not kindled this fire in haste; it burns with enduring passion and faith. I know where my treasure needs to be invested.

Here are some of my personal priorities/ambitions:

· To consider the BEST interests of our family first. If in doubt to yield on the side of supporting our family. Right now that means being there for John and Augustus, having FUN with them, and showing them how a Man does things (it’s good to be organized, send cards to loved one’s, work/play hard, show enthusiasm, HUSTLE, etc…).
· Live in a NICE home. It doesn’t need to be the biggest, but should exhibit a care, attention, and style that is currently lacking. This will require considerable effort and attention. I arrogantly thought it was not that bad, and I/we could take care of it. I can support these changes. I was wrong. I’ll follow your lead and seek your (or professional) advice before taking on a project I’m not qualified to do. This priority has rich potential. I am actually quite skilled at financial arranging and can show you how we can pay for these items.
· Buy a Boat. Sail preferred, or a medium sized hardtop. I was afraid to take on the responsibility of a boat. I knew we were in trouble and didn’t want to add another responsibility. You and John, and Augustus are more important than any object, boat, vehicle, kitchen counter, etc...
· I want to be involved with your family. I’m especially fond of your Dad and David. I’m very willing to visit more and build these relationships. I don’t sense that they have written me off. I think they would welcome me with blessings when my priorities are aligned.
· I’d like to support your educational or career goals. You are still young, smart and strong. The boys and I can and will support you if you’ll let us.

Right now, we are acting independently. I can face the music, and one of the reasons I married you is your strength. However, I’d like to craft a life together were we support each other’s dreams, and share some common dreams.

I know that this is not about the House, how well the house is cleaned, or what kind of Kitchen we design. These issues need to be addressed, but the main thing needs to be about JOY and that will take time.

Success for me is getting to a place where we are connected. So we are communicating and feel safe to express enthusiasm, dreams, even silly ideas without reserve. I feel marriage is ultimately about cherishing one’s mate. I long to support your goals, share your trials, and celebrating life’s wins, large and small. I will set aside time and money to be together alone enjoying life!! Planned time is fine, spontaneous time is even better. Sound impossible? Try me on this. It can be done and we can do it.

I’d like to apologize for, and turn away from, my specific failings, but right now I’m seeking a dialog with you. What rings true to you? Where do you agree? What emphasis would you change? How can I help you pursue your ambitions? What measurable goals can we set to ensure we’re making progress and not fooling ourselves?

I’d be happy to attend a marriage seminar, or other forum to pursue this with you when/if you are ready. There is a quicker paced, more forward looking practice called Marriage Coaching that we might consider.

With great respect, admiration, and affection,
SeekingBetter

bump

SB,

I'm having trouble getting on the other board....some server problem...so I'll do this here.

Dear XXXX,

I’ll be straight and to the point. I’ve blown it. I understand your feelings of anger and resentment (;wanting to fix things after all these years. Divorce is a problem without a solution. Worse yet it wounds others deeply and never really heals.)Leave this out...sounds preachy....try: I know it must be hard to believe that things can be fixed in other ways besides divorce, but I am truly committed to doing the things necessary to make this better and I pray it is not too late.

never innumerate things for women...it seems cold and businesslike...so make this into loving paragraphs and not numbers

I see 3 main area’s of distress between us:
1- You are unhappy. I believe that my apparent indifference has caused you to feel controlled and dependent – financially at least. I know well that you need to move forward in your life. What do you want to do? I’m not standing in your way. The boys and I will need to be more self-sufficient in any case. I do not seek to control you, but to be interdependent; support each other. To do so we will need to share our dreams.
2- We didn’t set each other at a top priority. I can do this and am eager to do so.
3- Our home, and location. I’m willing to put a plan together and stick to it with you. I’m also willing to sell it and get a different one. I’m also willing to re-locate once the boy’s graduate and I can retire. It’s closer than we think.

Augustus and John are fine, kind, even gifted children. {No matter how well we adults think we will handle a Divorce they cannot help but deeply resenting us for literally breaking their hearts and home.) "no matter" is the beginning of a dj...soften this by making it strictly about the childre...They are trying to handle things as best as they can, but I know they resent us for the upheaval in their lives. (They do not deserve to be taught that family members are disposable if they become annoying, sick, ugly, addicted, etc…) Nope..."they don't deserve"...there's a dj buried in there too. How about "I worry that the message children get in divorce is that family members are disposable and not the message that difficulties can be worked through...even bad ones."
(They should learn from our example that one must face the music, be brave, accept risk, and CHANGE when the old ways do not work.)"they should" preachy and disrepectful...just cut this statement. (That is the example I’d be proud to demonstrate.) Cut this too...it makes you sound better than she is. (I can tell you that I remember the vulnerability of being a boy their age. I shudder to think how I would have felt, what I would have done had my parents divorced.)This dramatics and guilt all rolled into one...leave it out.( I am not suggesting that we stay unhappy. Let’s get back our lives and show them how it’s done.) Try ending this with: "I want the opportunity to show them that we will try our hardest to do everything possible before giving up on our marriage."

I’ve examined our life and it isn’t something I’m proud of. Sure (you)we could have done things differently but I DID let you down. I’ve examined my needs/dreams. In short, I’d like to:

no bullets....it's like numbers
· Consider the BEST interests of my family first; and if we do not agree to yield on the side of supporting my family. Right now that means being there for John and Augustus, having FUN with them, and showing them how a Man does things (it’s good to be organized, send cards to loved one’s, work/play hard, be enthusiastic…).
· Live a life with a NICE home. It doesn’t need to be the biggest, but should exhibit a care, attention, and cache that is currently absent. This will require effort and attention. To be honest, I have been arrogantly thinking I could do it all that it wasn’t that bad. It is that bad and I was wrong. I’ll follow your lead and seek your (or professional) advice before taking on a project I’m not qualified to do. Not just put it off. This priority has rich potential. I am actually quite skilled at financial arranging and can show you how we can pay fpr these items.
· A Boat. Sail preferred. I was afraid to take on the responsibility of a boat. I knew we were in trouble and didn’t want to add another responsibility. You and John, and Augustus are more important than any object, boat, vehicle, kitchen counter, etc...
· I want to be involved with your family. I’m especially fond of your Dad and David. I’m very willing to visit more and build a relationship were they will want to visit and you can be proud when they do. I don’t sense that they have written me off. I think they would welcome me with blessings when my priorities are aligned.

I’m investing in these areas. I see a lot of my ‘old Good self’ here; my dreams. I’d like to share them with the 3 of you. I have not kindled this fire in haste; it burns with enduring passion and faith. I know where my treasure needs to be invested.

I’d like to apologize for, and turn away from, my specific failings, but right now I’m seeking a dialog with you. What rings true to you? Where do you agree? What emphasis would you change?. What measurable goals can we set to ensure we’re making progress and not fooling ourselves?

Denise many couples get this far and much worse, yet turn around and THRIVE in a short period of time.

With great respect, admiration, and affection,

SeekingBetter

Shorten this entire section and don't talk about what "other" couples do but it isn't relevent. Stay away from words like "should" completely. Talk about what you want to do about you....and only you.

Hope this helps

<small>[ March 24, 2004, 09:00 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Star*fish Believer and others THANKS:

Here is the 3rd draft.

She's feeling VEY depressed, like life has gone by already... Without hope. I'm thinking of holding the letter until the weekend, or next week. She even said she's considering just leaving all of us, that we are not worth it... I'm questioning the impact of even a good letter in the face of extreame depression, but I want the letter ready to go.

Denise – March 24, 2004

I’m not proud that it took this tragic situation to jolt me into action. However, I have taken a long hard look at myself and I’m making needed changes in my life. My priorities are clear. .

I’ve humbled myself this year. This means setting aside my ideas (haven’t worked) listening carefully to you, and trusting in the Lord. I’ve set aside anger, and any of it’s forms as far as humanly possible. Anger cost me, kept me from listening, and gave me an excuse to do nothing positive. I am in counseling to focus on getting on with the life I need to lead. For example: maintaining/improving our our vehicles/home, calling and visiting those who I care about.

Shutting up and LISTENING when the opportunities present themselves. It is amazing to me how much better life can be when I know what the others around me are thinking and doing. I’m thinking ahead to see opportunities for bringing others joy (calls, cards, gifts, thank you’s etc…). It is fun and not the burden I had imagined. My sloppy habits are retreating, I don’t think they are the chief cause of our estrangement but it detracts from the quality of life of all of us, and serves a poor example for our sons.

I’ve examined my actions and even though it was many years ago I most deeply regret physically harming you. It is clear that you withheld parts of yourself and I didn’t nurture you back. I wounded your enthusiasm, failed to share my own. Perhaps only God can heal this. I continue to repent and pray about it.

Here are some of my needs/dreams. I see a lot of my ‘Old Good Self’ here. Not the old unrealistic or materialistic ones. My time/treasure will be invested in people or things that bring people together.

Our family first -You , John, Augustus: Right now that means being there for John and Augustus, having Fun with them, and showing them how a Man does things (Happy, organized, confident, kind, work/play hard, send cards to loved one’s, show love, enthusiasm, Hustle, etc…). I’ll have to wait and earn a relationship with you.

I’m especially fond of your Dad and David. I’m very willing to visit more and build these relationships. I believe they can welcome me with blessings when my priorities are aligned.
I’d like a NICE home. One with a level of style and care that is currently lacking. I arrogantly thought it was not that bad, and I/we could take care of it another time. I was wrong. I’ll follow your lead and seek your (or professional) advice before taking on a project I’m not qualified to do. This priority has rich potential. I’ll do the financial arranging with you so we can pay for these items and still live well

I’d like a Boat; sail preferred, or a medium sized hardtop. I was afraid to take on the responsibility of a boat. I knew we were in trouble and didn’t want to add another responsibility. This was wrong, but for the right reason. It is a dormant dream that I’ll not leave aside for long regardless of how we do.

I know that this is not about the House, how well the house is cleaned, or what kind of Kitchen we design. These issues need to be addressed, but the mainstay of marriage needs to be about JOY. I understand this now. Joy has more petals than a dandelion, and I’m eager to grow and share them.

I’d like to support your educational or career goals. You are still young, smart, and strong. The boys and I can and will support you if you’ll let us. We will need to be more self-sufficient in any event. Please consider this. It would also allow time to develop a relationship.

I worry that divorce gives our children the message that we will give up on family members. I want the opportunity to show them that we will try our hardest to do everything possible before giving up on our marriage.

I would like to pursue this with you when/if you are ready. There is a quicker paced, more forward looking practice called Marriage Coaching that we might consider.

With great respect, admiration, and affection,
SeekingBetter

<small>[ March 26, 2004, 06:27 AM: Message edited by: SeekingBetter ]</small>

Yikes! If she is very depressed, why not send a letter that says:

WW-
I love you and it hurts me to see you so depressed. Whatever happens between us, I am still worried about you.

Is there anything I can do to help you get some medical help? I will go with you, make the appointment, whatever.

Your well-being is the most important thing to me. Let me help you now.

Believer - Thanks. Your psots consistantly reflect the His love, and never fail to remind me of my purpose and the example I am to follow.

I called yesterday to see if there was anything I could get on my way home as I knew she had a busy day. Turns out she'd been violently ill all day. So I was able to provide some TLC, and show our son's what to do, how to do it, and we kind of made a game of doing homework and entertaining ourselves quietly. I even got her to sleep in our bedroom for the first time in months (me out of course).

I stayed home this AM to get tehm ready, for school, lunches, homework, etc. She seemed mildly shocked and releaved. Our sons were quite happy to see her up, and pleased that they'd pitched in.

She will not accept any suggestions from me right now. Her family has attempted and not been effective. I'm hopeful that Spring adn prayer pull her out of it. I'll have time to carefully hand write the letter next week while quietly depositing some L units. We'll be together for several events in the next few days. Steady as she goes, this voyage isn't going to be a smooth one. I actually met and courted her on a ship.

I'll probably update next week.

SB

Seeking -

In my review of your letter this statment caught me off guard:

Sure you could have done things differently but I DID let you down.

As a woman I read into this statement as some way of you letting her know that this is not all your fault. I'm sure you may not be trying to say that but that is how I read it as a BW. I'd remove any and all references of anything she might have done wrong in the past.

Accept ownership of your actions and lay no blame at her feet. She already knows she was not meeting all of your EN and doesn't need to be reminded of that, trust me here.

I think you sound very remorseful and very willing to do whatever it takes to get through this with your M in tact.

Your wife needs to be the center of your universe right now. Do not smother her but give her as much attention as you possibly can.

Think of out of the box situations where you can show your willingness to make changes in yourself. Staying home to get the kids off to school was a wonderful idea. Keep it up and you'll see her start to realize that you are a man willing to stand up for his family and make right on the mistakes you have made in the past.

Good luck. I will continue to pray for you.

Heroswife - Thank you. I'll modify that line. as Mark Twain reportedly said - There's no such thing as good writing, just good re-writing.

I'm sure the prayer cover is helping. She's genuinely suspicious of the grace and ease she's seeing, especially in trying situations with her and or the children... The great thing for me is life just gets better - reinforcing the changes I'm making, strengthening my other relationships.

All the best to you and yours,
SB

SB -

I'd suggest editing your original post to remove the real names.

What's your goal here? What do you want out of this letter? Is it a Plan B letter or a love letter or an I'd like to buy a boat letter or a let's go to marriage coaching letter?

J - Thanks for th advice. I'll also reorg and drop out less important issue to focus the letter.

It will be a let's really look at why we are doing a D letter. You have a wonderful family, a loving supportive husband, and we are eager to support your ambitions/dreams.

with very little communication going on I'd like to give her a tangible commitment to her, our children, and the marriage.

SeekingBetter.

seeking, thanks for bumping this because i think this is just what i needed. if you don't mind i would like to jump on your thread and get the experts to give some advice on using a letter similar to yours in my situation. thanks for putting all the time you have in this letter.

dear "experts" i believe my H and i are at an impass, i don't want to give up on the M and he doesn't want to give up the one thing that has made him happy again (the OW), he doesn't want to work on the M at all. says everything is too late (my changes) that he can't go back that he can't keep going through this (me saying i understand the A and what's he's saying but i still want to work on our M).

i have been living in another state since last october, not because of this, but because of a job i accepted. my H was supposed to be joining me when he graduated this may. sadly, he me the OW last fall and now he says he loves her. i've been at our house for the past week while he was on spring break although he didn't stay here while i was here. I'm going to be leaving this weekend and don't know if i will be seeing him again before i leave.

he wants closure, he wants me to let him go. i wish i could because that would certainly make it easier on everyone but i love my H and want to my M to be saved. but i don't feel i can go back on the things i've said even though i know it's making him miserable. i can't go back on saying i love him no matter what and will do everything i can to save our M and then turn around and not follow through.

finally my question is, given what i have said do you think i should leave a letter similar to the one that is written above for my H to read? of course i would have to make changes, we don't have kids and we're already living apart. thanks in advance and sorry i took over this thread temporarily <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

bump

bump

just FYI, i did go ahead and leave a similar letter to my WH before I left our house.