Well, if you've read the previous post (moc is my H) you know that you have all made a HUGE impact on my situation. My H has not been all that interested in MB but every once in a while I share with him things that I've read, posted, or learned from this site. Today, after reading what you all wrote I felt so strangly at ease that I felt I had to share some of your responses with my H. He asked if I would mind if he read the thread (after hearing a little of what ark^^ wrote I think he realized that there is no judgment on this site just honest and helpful people...and damn if you didn't peg him perfectly). He read every word, signed on to the site and has posted his NC letter for you all to review.

awed18 - I read your post and just kept shaking my head saying 'okay, you're right', 'okay, I can do that', 'okay, wow.' While I know that I have 'power' over her I am also clearly letting her still have power over me. I suppose when I really look at it, I so strongly feel that she manipulated my H, took advantage of his weakened state (lots of stress at the time) and used him to meet her own selfish needs. You see, my H is truly a wonderful man (even after all this I still stand by that statement) and, while he must take credit for his actions, in my heart I know that had she been a supportive friend rather than a manipulative 'friend' I wouldn't have any need to know about this site. I guess I worry (especially when I thought things were progressing well only to find the most recent emails/mocking) that she may be able to manipulate him again. It is time for me to reread the second NC letter and to try to understand how hard it was for him to write it. As sss said, if it weren't for her being his boss NC probably wouldn't be a problem at this time.

I truly believe that my H must make his own decisions and they should not be based on me forcing him to do things. I think that's why it took me so long to contact OWH and is, in part, why I haven't notified OW's boss about this. I want my H to want to be with me and not her because he wants to not because I've threatened him, forced him, or manipulated him. The fog is lifting for him and, as with the 'lighthouse' post, I want to be the light he finds leading the way home.

I will try the can't/won't theory. Sometimes my visions of them together are so vivid it is truly like I was there watching first hand. I've read so many words they've written. I don't know what day it is half the time but I can quote their words so perfectly my H believes I am rereading them daily (but you only have to read something like that once...). I wish you had a secret formula for me but since you don't I'll just keep plugging away...

On that note, I'm going to thank you all one more time for your words of encouragement and I'm going to spend some quality time with my H. I think we both need it and deserve it.

Okay, I have zero experience with NC letters (just so you take my thoughts here knowing this) BUT>>>>>>>>>>>

if my H wrote that to our OW and made reference to how hard it is given the things they've shared (!) and how he doesn't WANT their friendship to end, but it is what he is attempting to do since your W requests NC.............

Sorry, moc.... there's just so many things you said in this NC letter that still sounds like you are leaving the door open.......to me. You're sending mixed messages here to the OW.

Just my opinion, of course.

I'm very curious to know if this is typical/acceptable of a NC letter.....perhaps some old-timers will comment???

<small>[ March 13, 2004, 08:03 PM: Message edited by: Last_Straw ]</small>

moc - First, I recognize that it took a lot of courage for you to post here. Please visit and communicate more than "not much."

Not knowing how much you may have browsed this web site, please read the post linked in my sig below to get a feel for what guidance BSs receive here. There are no secrets.

There are also many former WSs who communicate here - I promise that if you seek them out, you will be able to relate to them and you will think you are talking to yourself.

Despite the HUGE step you took in your letter to OW, I have to agree with Last_Straw that you left a few crumbs on the trail. Perhaps your employment situation influenced this. This is all that kept your excellent letter from being perfect. Please consider our comments as constructive additions to the way you should be thinking about your future contact with OW - not as reasons to write another letter.

Simply stated, you cannot be friends with her. Period. Zero, zip, zilch, nada, none - no friendship.

This is important for two simple reasons. First, you could slip back down that slippery slope. Second, you wife needs the extra assurance that you won't for her trust in you to be re-established.

The perfect situation for you is to change your work arrangement to become separated from OW. If this is not possible and if OW continues her attempts to remain friendly over your objections, you have a powerful tool at your disposal - a claim of sexual harassment. Hopefully you won't need it.

I wish you and your wife success at rebuilding your marriage. Please ask anyone here any question you want.

Glad to see that moc is posting. That's a positive step.

Here are my thoughts from reading the NC letter:

*Leaves the door wide open* and seems as though moc is being forced to write it.

Be short and to the point.

I love my wife.
I want to share my life with my wife/kids.
The A was wrong and hurt my wife and family.
There will be NC between us.

No talk of friendship, how hard it is, how moc doesn't want to hurt OW, no talk of things shared, nothing personal, etc.

Just my two cents.

Take care.

sss

All,

Thanks for replying. Was curious what was thought of the email. Regardless of the mistakes I made in what I expressed, I feel as if for me that that was armageddon. This past weekend at home has been wonderful. What I had always hoped for when we moved here.

I am a lucky man.

moc