Quick background. WH has taken a backseat since d-day -- taking the role of thinking I'll get over it and act like nothing has happened eventually and move on. Did a little counseling.

D-day - 1 year last week plus or minus.

Just this past week:

Asks me to call in sick on Tues so we can "talk." Never asked this before. I said I couldn't but let's plan a time (he works nights). How bout lunch? Said okay but needed more time than that. Met for lunch and he says, "You don't love me any more." I said, "I have been asking you and asking you for the past year to make some time for us to build. That I cannot build on our new R without us ever talking and/or having any time together." He said, "That's just an excuse." I said, "No. I have been patient and waiting until the time where your shift changes and we can actually work on or M." He said looking rejected, "Okay." Little more talk than that but that's the jest of it.

Has left a note each night re when to wake him up w/"love" or a heart. Hasn't been doing that the past year.

Yesterday, he calls asking about his wedding ring. I said, "You just now noticed it's not where you put it?" (I had put it in another place months ago.) He said, "It hasn't been that long." I said, "Oh yeah." He said I was losing it. I said no, are you saying I'm lying? He said no just mistaken. I said, no, I remember it was at least prior to X-mas that I put it in another place.

This morning when I'm getting the kids out the door, he had to be awake. He says, "Since when did you start wearing perfume?" I said, I've always worn it off and on.

His training is over at lunchtime and he calls to meet me for lunch. 2x in one week? Unheard of! While we were in line he says, "You never wear perfume for me" I say, "Your never home and you are asleep when I put it on."

WHAT GIVES?????????

The trust has not been built again yet so it makes me think:

a) he's being bad so he's trying to throw me off;
b) he's been bad all along and now he has decided to work on M; or
c) he's finally gotten a clue? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Well, those are three really good questions. My response would be it could be any of the three. So I would be equally vigilant that any of the three might be correct.

However, my optimist side says it's number three. You might have just seen the fog lift a bit!!!

Be happy with what you seen, as it's a sign that you are doing some things right, but don't set yourself up for dissapointment by expecting things to progress at "rabbit-speed". Rather expect the turtle to make his steady way, with YOUR continued efforts to help the FOG lift, by filling his EN's, and being there for him.

Sounds like progress to me!!

Well done, and keep up the good work
SD

It sounds very promising to me. Just continue what you are doing. Also try to have some fun with him, and don't make recovery too serious.

Believer,

I think that's finally what helped. I quit focusing on recovery and just started living my day-to-day life and not giving him a 24/7 update on things but at the same time would help him out when asked. Haven't mentioned counseling any more, etc.

I think his wake-up or fog lifting was that, hey, maybe she is planning a life w/out me???????

We shall see... wish us luck!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Shattered Dreams,

[/QUOTE]<strong> However, my optimist side says it's number three. You might have just seen the fog lift a bit!!!</strong>[/QUOTE]

I used to always be optimistic, here's hoping that I can be once again...

It sounds quite hopeful to me. I think you need to be extra careful now to avoid lovebusting. He's approaching you and you're LBing all over the place:

Yesterday, he calls asking about his wedding ring. I said, "You just now noticed it's not where you put it?"

This was a great chance to let him know you appreciate the fact that he's interested in his wedding ring again - and you criticized him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Who CARES how long ago you moved the stupid ring? The point is, he's LOOKING for it! Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married (okay, so I stole that last one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

"You never wear perfume for me" I say, "Your never home and you are asleep when I put it on."
Admittedly a big LB on his part but he hasn't read the books yet so let's not be too harsh on him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Again, a chance for you to say something like "I'm glad you like it - I'll make a point of wearing it for you in the future." Just let his snippy remark slide.

This sounds *so* good. Be very careful, though, because it also sounds like it's easy for you to snap back before you realize what you're doing. I'm not trying to criticize you at all! LBs are my biggest stumbling block - maybe that's why they jumped out at me in your post.

It sounds to me that he is wondering if YOU
are possibly having an affair or have someone else you are interested in. He sure is showing
all the signs of person who is feeling insecure
about your love for him.

I say this because:
1)he asked you to call in sick
2)wanted to meet you for lunch TWICE
3)did not think you loved him any more
4)leaving you notes with "love"
5)asked about his wedding ring
6)asks when you started to wear perfume
7)commented you never wear perfume for HIM
_________________________________________________

Now here is why I think you have him finally turning around...and I say this often on this site but usually people turn a deaf ear to it...

WHEN YOU LET GO AND STOP ALL PRESSURE IS WHEN THE WS STARTS TO COME BACK !!!!!!!!

and here is the proof that you did finally let go.... and I quote:

quit focusing on recovery and just started living my day-to-day life and not giving him a 24/7 update on things but at the same time would help him out when asked. Haven't mentioned counseling any more, etc.


Good job... It isn't that he is coming out of any fog, it is that YOU have him believing YOU let go.....

Good job.....

Turtlehead & Keepmvn,

Thanks for your replies and advice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

TH, thanks for showing me my LB's and the way I should have responded. I'll try to keep working on that.

We ended up in an argument again Saturday night, though. He kept talking about sex all day. I LB'd and said, "Is that why you have been nicer this past week?" -- OOPS! Background: He's been cut off due to STD he got during A and he has not taken care of it yet. Told him I was not willing to risk my chances of cervical cancer since his STD is HPV. I already had to have a biopsy to remove abnormal cells.

About 30 min later he says, "By the way, I've been invited to a party for **** Friday night." I say, "What's the occasion?" He says, "She's getting married. All the girls are going to dinner and out afterwards." I say, "Am I invited?" He says, "No." I say, "Is this in retaliation?" He says, "Leave it to you to turn it around." I said, "I invite you when the people at my work have get togethers." He said, "I figured since you have been keep us on a tight budget, we wouldn't be able to afford a babysitter." I say, "But you aren't even giving me a chance to see if someone can watch the kids for an hour or so. So, am I still not invited?" He said, "Yes."

He hasn't mentioned it again. I didn't say anything about not believing him or that I was upset that he was going out with all girls. He didn't say anything about the other 2 guys he works with being invited.

I just don't understand why he could say something so mean and be so blatant about not wanting me to go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Actually, I think you did pretty well based on your account of the fight. You didn't assume anything. You merely asked him questions. I think it's quite reasonable to ask a spouse about their motives and what's going on inside them.

Hmm.... he only said he's been *invited* to the office "do". Did he actually say he's going? What would his reaction be if you told him you'd like to go with him but barring that you'd like to plan something for the two of you to do together, and he can take a wedding gift to the office on Friday with his regrets that he can't attend? Is this something you guys could POJA?

TH,

Good advice. Didn't think of that.

He didn't even mention getting a gift, though???

Yes, I think I will say that a friend will watch the kiddos for a couple and can I come with?

I was also thinking that if I called his work and the girl who is getting married answers the phone, I could say something to the affect, "Hey, I got so-and-so's wedding invite, what's up w/yours? Are you having a formal or just a small get together?" And see what is said from there.

But, yes, I think I'll mention the going with. It's better than the alternative of wondering if that is what he is really doing and sending somebody to spy (wouldn't happen).

He kind of had me wondering if he is setting me up last night because when I called him for the kids to say goodnight (he works nights) and the phone got back to me, I mentioned some things the kids had done and then there was just silence and he said, "Do you have anything else to talk about?" I said, "No." He said, "Okay, then, bye." It's almost as if he is reversing on me -- as if he is trying to pull the slightly disinterested on the pretense that I will start scrambling to get him into conversation or something???? I just don't know. But you know what? I don't obsess over that kind of stuff any more like I used to and that's a good thing for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Go back and read Keepmvn4wrd's post. Those were some really good insights. You don't want to come across as clingy, that will just irritate him. Let him know a sitter is available and you'd like to go with, or barring that plan something for the two of you. If he crawdads then just drop it.

And clean house like nobody's business <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Okay. Here's what I'll do. A friend of mine has been wanting to take me to eat some Pho (she's going to show me all the ins and outs of how to order). So, I'll just keep on doing what I've been doing and that means I should just go to dinner w/my friend and bring the kids along <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Keep is thinking what I am thinking.

It might have crossed his mind that he has basically removed being faithful as a barrier to you having an affair.

And he is growing paranoid since suddenly its dawned on him that if you are not working on your marriage then what are you working on?

Yeah, right, he works nights so I'm in charge of the home which means I've got a 3 1/2 yr old and a 1 1/2 year old that I'm having an A with <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .

Maybe he thinks I'm having nooners <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Hey, a nooner for me means I actually got to relax and have some "me" time hanging out outside on a nice day like today just staring off into space <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> .

Well here it is Friday. WH hasn't mentioned the party tonight at all. He called before lunch and I asked if he was still going. He said yes. I asked where. He said he didn't really know. I said it's tonight and you don't know? He said it's some place called _______ and they were meeting there at 7. I asked who "they" were and he named off pretty much everybody from work w/their SO's. I said sounds like everyone is taking their SO's why am I not invited? He said it never was an invite issue, it was a babysitting issue. I said well, you haven't asked me all week whether or not I could get a babysitter. He said no, did you? I said, yes, I believe I do have one. Can I go? He said okay (very unenthusiastically). I said, thank you, nice to feel welcome.

AND BY THE WAY....he hasn't been anywhere as nice this week as he was last week so it leads me to believe the niceness last week was all just to try to get me in bed so that makes the whole thing tonight leave a bad taste in my mouth.

And, by the way, I have never been around him and the people from his work so that makes me want to go all the more -- kinda see how I am received, you know? He always keeps his life separate even though he always expects to be invited to my office get togethers and I have never been so rude to say he could not come.

Should I go?

I would definitely go tonite. Maybe he just sounds too much like my husband did during his affair. Was he nice to you last week so you wouldn't mind if he went to the party alone? I don't know - something just doesn't sound right. It seems like he doesn't want you at that party for some reason.

Maybe I feel this way because we had so many false recoveries. Anyway, I think it's good for the people he works with to be able to see a "real live wife" occasionally.

Yeah, me too.

He just called 5 min ago and asked if I had heard from the girl who I said was going to babysit. I said not yet, she's in a depo (she's a court reporter).

So now he's got me thinking that he's waiting to make sure whether or not I'm going before he makes his next move or something.

Oh, and this reminds me of how he did me when we dated. He would say something during the week to the effect, "Hey, maybe we can do something Friday night." I would say, "Okay." Only to either a) no hear from him at all on Friday and if I paged him, he wouldn't answer page OR b) call and say, "something came up." So it's not beneath him to call some other poor soul today and say, "something came up" OR just leave her hanging.

AND, I had also told him last the other week that I was keeping tabs on his OT on the pretense that I thought his co. was shorting him. We went over his OT hours against what he had written in his book (while he was at work and me at home so I could not see) and his check was 5 hours short. He said he was going to mention this to his supervisor.

So now he knows I'm keeping track of his time the best that I can (he works evenings). All this week when I have asked what time he clocked out, I get an answer that is an hour or two off from the time he clocked out until the time he gets home (I'm a very light sleeper and hear the key in the door). So far each night he has said that he has stopped by the other store on his way home to either a)drop something off (the other store is 24 hr) or b) talk to an employee there (who he says is a guy). Last night he says he clocked out around midnight. I woke up at 1:30a and called his store and no one answered. He came in around 2a. He said he stopped by the other store to drop something off and had to stop at 3 different grocery stores to find one that was open to pick up some items for my son. That's a 2 hour difference.

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: SoDisappointed ]</small>

So disappointed,

I haven't read your story, but everything in your last post just sends up red flags to me. I didn't find MB until after my husband's A. I started reading here just to get some answers. Obviously, I am not an expert in MB. Any success that i have in my marriage is because of the grace of God.

I hope you do go to that party tonight. Keep your eyes and ears open. My husband's coworkers became some of my greatest allies. Just be friendly and outgoing and stick close by your husband. Also you might want to casually mention to some of his coworkers how hard he's been working and how often he has to drop things off at the other store on his way home.

Good luck tonight!

My best friend just wants me to keep him on his toes.

What she really wants me to tell him is that her cousin is going to watch the kids and we're going out.

I can't be like that.

I guess I'll just tell him at the last minute that me and the kids are going to hang out w/my friend instead.

I just hate this crap. He called around 3:30 to again ask if friend was babysitting. I said I still wasn't sure and that it didn't matter anyway because he was going regardless. And come to find out that it's kinda a bachlorette-type party but supposedly the other girls have invited their BF's or H's. He said well, I was just wanting to know if you were going so we could stay out. I said that he had said he was only going to stay an hour or so so that is all I told my friend. He was like, "oh."

Really, he has so depleted me so much that he's in the negatives. I had also mentioned that all week he didn't even mention that he was helping out w/this. He said, "When have you talked to me." I said, "What is that suppose to mean? We usually can't talk during the week and only talk on weekends." He said, "I called you at work and when conversation seemed over, I would say, 'do you have anything else to say?' and that you would say no." I said, "Oh, and if I don't have anything to talk about then you don't either? That that is conversation PERIOD. If I don't have anything to say then that's your cue if you have anything to say." I also said, "I always talk all weekend about stuff being said in the office and you have told me nothing."

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: SoDisappointed ]</small>