</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> You are still married because you kept your vows. My WH is still with OW, but I have remained faithful and intend to continue.

However I have moved on with my life, and you can too. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believer,

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I've made some decisions over the past 6 weeks that I am going to follow through with. It going to be better for everyone involved. It may not be what I had originally planned things to be at this point, or what the boys wanted, or what I wanted for them, and that is okay, finally I understand that. My happiness is the boys happiness. Without me being happy, the boys will never truly learn the blessings in life. As sad for the boys it may be, I'll create a new life for them and with them so that they will know that they are loved regardless whether their mother and I are together.

Believer, take a breath and know that there are better things out there for you instead of waiting forever, like it seems, for your WS to come home. Sometimes they just don't. Find your own peace and know that it is what is best for you and your children.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confused&scared:
<strong> Empty
I think 5 years is long enough. You need to move on or life will pass you by. So transforming is probably the right thing </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">C&S,

Thank you for your insight as well. Life is passing me by at light speed, 2 family emergencies only confirmed that this month. But these past two events only confirmed what I've been feeling all along. No, the 2 emergencies weren't my decision making "light bulb" answers, but they were definetly the cherry on top.

They did help me to reconfirm my decisions over the past 2 months. I don't want my children to pass, seeing me miserable, and I don't want to pass, them knowing I was unhappy. They know that I was bound to saving this marriage for many years. Sometimes, somedays better than others... many, pretty horrible, but they know I tried and that is what I truly wanted the to know. But I realized back in March, that isn't good enough for me. As I realize all that I've waited for I also have begun recently realizing that waiting has caused its own damage and pain for the boys. Sometimes its better to let the vessel sink instead of get sucked down with it. I'm trying to swim away as fast as I can know to not get caught up in its rudders. The cries for help now get louder as I near the edge of the fog. Its sad, really.

Thank you again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong> My dear E bro',

I have been thinking about you. Wondering and wondering. You know me and I can talk & post a lot but not with those $50.00 words. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> This 'ol island gal does much betta in pidgin. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You and I (esp u) have been here a long time. We both know that recovery starts with us (ie: personal recovery). The other kind (M kind) takes 2. If there isn't 2, then personal is still achieveable.

If your W wants to be with the OM or whatever, then no you can't change her. You already knew that. The pain of realizing her choices don't make sense to you and your children or others is hard but you can recover from that.

Now with the above said, how can we help you move forward. You are NOT old (I got you beat on 'dat one, ya know). So you do have a lot of your life ahead of you. You and the boys. ok?

I will now call you by your revised MB name but I would like to ask you rethink this E name for a better suited one. A few of us or many, know you by face and by chatting, you can't convince those that know that you are an empty person. Not that you are fat.....by no means buff, yea but not chunks, ya hear?!?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So bro' let's go through the paces of recovery again. In a more productive way this time. For you and the boys, ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

aloha,
L. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">L,

My sweet sister,

I have waited so long to respond to you. At first (here's the excuse) I couldn't log in for a while (virus/trojan) and I eventually got that fixed. I'm sorry that its taken me 2 months to come back and thank you for everything that you've done for the boys and I.

You are right, it takes 2. Well that I can't forsee ever happening.

I know that she comes here and reads here from time to time, as we all know our WS do. I know that each and everyone of my true friends here have tried to help all of us involved to some degree and I want you all to know that I appreciated everything you all did over the years. This is a hard place to revisit, because there are so many horrible memories as a result of our need being here over the years. I go back and reread from time to time where I was at 2, 3 and 4 years ago and I don't like the person that I see in those posts. You know what I'm talking about to, right L?

Its very hard for me to be here in such a negative light. I agree with you that personal growth should have came first.. well mine didn't, and that is why my M didn't recover. I can take half the blame. It has taken me many years to become whole(well nearly), but lonely, again. The emptiness isn't so burnt by the A anymore. There are still triggers and my disrespectful judgements of people, my fears with people being honest and open, and my protectivness of myself is still present. But I think that until I truly come to grips with what moving on means, those things will remain. I am moving on, and I'm moving on to show my children at this point that in my tiresome attempt to recover my selfworth and my marriage, while has failed, doesn't mean that I have to be unhappy forever. I continually look back and remember what Harley says about taking care of yourself so you can take care of your children... putting your spouse first, etc. Well I think I've done enough of that over the past five years and the chapter has closed and ended a long time ago.

While this new transformation is going to be difficult for everyone involved again, and dredging up all this suppressed, forgotten about pain, is going to be a new challenge as well, I know that I can get through it all for once.

I never went to Plan B and I had my reasons which many of the newer people wouldn't understand. I know that we all worked out a plan for me, and while it has failed my marriage, it hasn't failed me. Through care and protection, I have protected me on many occasions where without everyone's patient insite here that I couldn't have made it.

There were times when you know L, that I wanted to end everything. I am so far past those points in my life now, and I attribute my safe return to life on all of you. Especially you and Faith1.

I love you L, like a sister and I truly appreciated your story. While I couldn't respond to it.. until I somewhat have tried to live it, the thoughts of interacting with all of you in real life was rewarding enough for me to want and go find it. If anyone's blessing I've received, it was your's through your 'storytelling' journey.

L, I will be back, but I want you to know that I care deeply what happens to each and everyone of you. If ever you need anything, please don't ever hesitate to contact me.

Much care and respect,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lupolady:
<strong> "E"

I won't lecture, and the only "negative" thing I will say to you is that I don't like your new screen name!

I think "Empty" is too negative, too easily self-fulfilling. I wish you'd pick a new, new name! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Something with a little more hope attached........

Like: "Searching"
or: "WTF?"
or: aw shucks, here we go again........"
or:

Oh, you get the idea!

I know the feelings. I know the utter hopelessness feeling, of not knowing WHERE the he!! you're headed. WTF happened......etc.

BUT, hopefully, you'll work through it, and Empty won't "fit" for you anymore. So, I'm hoping you'll reconsider a better screen name. One that reflects where you'd like to be, NOT where you are now, but aren't going to stay!

We're here to "listen" anytime you are ready to let it out, bro.

God Bless, </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LL,

I agree that the screen name is somewhat morbid to its beginning, but I thought, do I want to start filling up this nearly half empty self of mine with good things on top of the bad? I want to empty out everything I have known over the past that has caused all this pain, and begin refilling my cup with new, joyous and happy memories in my life.

So as I poor all the bad out, I am going to be empty for a while, and start over, from the beginning.

My next relationship will be built on what I have learnt here. What my family, friends and my counseling sessions taught me, what life has taught me. I want to toss all of that into empty me and watch it grow.

Have no fear that empty is a bad thing, for it is good, to start with something completely new, from scratch.

I know that in the future, that through all these processes by which I've learned here, that one day, I am going to make a good thing come of this. The next person in my life as well as I will be here for those who arrive here broken, comforting and accepting them, and showing them that even if one thing does end, another good thing can and will eventually come about it by following the harley principals... and what better way to do that than starting out empty, at my choice, and no one elses.

LL thank you for being there all these years, I wish you well and I hope to see you around soon. Hang in there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Topie25:
<strong> (((((((( K ))))))))

I have no advice for you, but I do want to offer my support to you. Like O, DK, and many others... I'm always here for you, just as you were here for me when I needed help the most.

You made the comment that you really don't know why you are still married. What is keeping you from filing or legally separating?

I am heartbroken to hear that your W has gone back to the OM. His addiction is surely powerful, and being the abuser that he is, she is obviously not strong enough to break free from that cycle. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I believe that you've done all you can do to help her K. It's all up to her now, and it has been that way for quite some time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Karen

p.s. If you need to talk, email me at topie25@hotmail.com with your phone number (I lost it...sorry!). I've got a plan that gives me 2.9 cents per minute, so the cost isn't an issue. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Karen,

Your advice is your strength. You don't have to pull out a sermon and start preaching, for your example through all of your tribulations is enough for one to follow. I'm happy for you and the boys. I know that one day you will be happy completely, with someone that completes you.

Remember that you have a little angel looking over your shoulder and he is going to make sure that his mother and his brothers are taken care of. You have made the right choices for everyone involved. You've done all you can do and I have been very proud of you, and I wanted you to know that sincerely. Know that all of us here love you and appreciate you and what you have been through, on top of the A.

Hang in there, keep up what you do here, your an inspiration to each of us. Hug those boys.

Bump for Orchid

Hi,

I owe you an apology. Been kinda busy with my mom.

Howzit bro? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

doll you never owe me an apology.. I'm sorry you've been having a hard time. If you need me O, just call me. Happy to see you posting again.

Huggs

K

E,
I have your phone # again and will definitely call this weekend. We have some catching up to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know you are moving forward and want to know that you are taking care of yourself. I know I am just the little one but this 'ol gal has a few more gray hairs than you and Faith1 - LOL!!! So I will get out my 'remedy' books to make sure you are getting healthy, ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hope the boys are doing ok. I met an MBer couple from your state. You all got quite a group of MBers down there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Gotta go hit the sack or something soft, my back is aching - LOL!!! Justkidding.

It is certainly good to see you posting. I went back and read your post, it put a big lump in my throat.

I don't have a bro'. So I adopted you, ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hugz,
L.