Hopeful:
Amen sister! WH came home from business trip, said he didn't love me anymore (which was a total shock, since just weeks before while he was away, he had sent me one of the most touching, sweet, love-filled, "you-are-and-will-always-will-be-my-soulmate" letters I have ever read from him. I found out, after the fact of course, that he began the relationship with the OW just about a week and a half later. She was actively pursuing him before that, but aparently she had not yet hit that "button" for my WH that was going to turn his head and meet his important ENs yet. His issue was respect, and admittedly, I was not always very impressed with the choices, lack of drive, lack of accomplishment, man, just plain old lack of adult responsibility that my husband displayed, so I would often treat him disrepectfully (I used to joke that I had 3 children, two kids an dmy husband). In retrospect I realize that was wrong, and I needed to try and find things I COULD respect and admire, rather than focus and CRITICIZE all the things I didn't. At the time, we were fighting while he was away (he left to India for 9 weeks, and as the weeks ebbed by, he would call less and less frequently, which was obviously very painful for all of us, especially the kids). I started out nicely, suggesting that he contact us more, and as a few more days without contact would pass by, I would get more and more and more and more intense about my feedback (I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO TELL A GROWN MAN TO CALL HIS OWN CHILDREN WHILE HE IS AWAY ACROSS THE WORLD FOR MONTHS...shouldn't he WANT to call them). She stepped right in with that "I admire everything you do. I worship the ground you walk on!" She pratically worshipped him.
I, too, have been in a Plan B of sorts. It hasn't been perfect, since our families are SOOOO entrenched, due to our two kids, his freaking parents live in the house with me, BOTH of them, etc (I have had some contact, but mostly just quick calls about who is getting what kid and when).
It has been six months. I recently told him I apparently had no self respect and somehow, self consciously he knew it. He knew somehow, deep down inside, that he would cheat, I would find out about the A, he would continue with the A, I would still be here, sitting here waiting it out like some kind of chump. And then, to topp all that off, he would move out, now DEEPLY hurting my children, and I would still be sitting here ready to forgive and willing to do the hard work of rebuilding. I told him he sure did talk a big risk assuming all that. I told him he now has to contend with an unexpected after effect of all this "healing" and intraspective thought. The after affect is that I am healing issues that never had anything to do with him, and as a result, learning it is ok to be alone, that God will provide for me, and I will move on. And that he has crossed some boundaries, committed some hurts, and knowingly continue to cause these hurts, and it is NOT acceptable. I am not sitting here idly, content to have him treat me in a way that, if I accepted it, is a betrayal of myself.
We should definitely continue to compare notes!
