Regarding giving WH "Love Must Be Tough" letter at next MC meeting.

OK, after much feedback from here and my friends, I have made a tentative decision regarding my letters. First is that I am only going to give him one letter.

Here goes. Due to WH's complete lack of accountability, communication, interest in our M, threats of D, and my continued recovery - I have decided to end MC with him.

It serves no purpose. We go in, he is defensive, spends most of the time blaming me for his unhappiness, complaining about things in the past he feels he was wronged about, and basically emotionally draining me. Then near the end of the session, he feels a little bad, starts to cry.

Then by that evening, he is even more cold, distant, and angry with me. And it takes me 3-4 days to stabilize myself out again.

Then I have 3-4 good days, and start all over again. He has never said he wants to work on our M, he just wants to have a more amicable D. He is adamant about not giving up his "just friends" R with OW. Without NC, MC is a waste of time and money. WH can have his IC back.

So, at our next MC on Tuesday, I plan on giving him this letter - it will be handwritten:

"It’s a curious thing, WH, how a person loses all perspective when he’s so close to a problem. It becomes difficult to see the issues clearly, and that has definitely happened to me in recent months. But in the past few weeks I’ve been able to pull back from our difficulties, and I now see everything in an entirely new light. It is incredible just how foolish I have been since you decided to leave. I have tolerated your unfaithfulness for several months. I guess I just loved you so much that I was willing to do anything you demanded, just to keep you from leaving me.

But I’ll tell you, WH, those days are over! If you want to go, you can certainly do so. In fact, that may be for the best. I doubt if I can ever trust you again or feel for you as I once did. I wasn’t a perfect wife, to be sure, but no other man has touched me since I pledged myself to you. But you violated my trust – not once but repeatedly for all these months. I’m no longer special to you – I’m just one of a crowd. I cannot live with that. I’d rather face life alone than as a member of your harem. If OW is the one you want, I hope the two of you will be happy together. I’m still not sure how something so wonderful became so dirty and distorted, but that is between you and the Lord. We both have to answer to Him in our own way, and my conscience is clear.

So where do we go from here, WH? I’ve been doing some intensive thinking. It just won’t work for you to hopscotch between OW and me, trying to make it all seem so normal. You say you aren’t sure which one you want? Well, that isn’t very inspiring to me. You pledged eternal love and commitment to me on our wedding day, but now that could be gone with the toss of a coin. What we both need is some time apart. If in the future you decide you want to be my husband, then we’ll talk about it. I make no promises, however. I’m doing everything possible to remove you from my heart, to spare myself any more pain. It’s not going to be easy. You were my only love – the only one I ever wanted. But that was then and this is now. God bless you, WH. The kids and I miss you.

SS"

I will tell him that he is not the man I thought he was, I have no respect left for him, and that I will be sending him a letter outlining what our contact will be for the foreseeable future.

And I will email him a Plan B letter.

We'll see if this bumps him off the fence. I don't really care which way he falls, at this point. I need to precipitate a crisis in his life, so he will do SOMETHING!

D doesn't scare me. It doesn't mean I don't love him anymore, or cannot hope for reconciliation.

But if it is something he HAS to do to feel that he can move forward either way, so be it.

I have seen an attorney, I know my rights, I know how much money I will need and what I will have to do without, and I am ready for that.

I have done this before. I have been poor, I have been a single mom. I am afraid, but I am more afraid of what living like this will do to me in the longrun.

I feel I need to take advantage of my strength now, and come from a position of integrity and strength. I need to reclaim my power in this R.

Lots of love. I welcome all thoughts, as usual.

Thank you! SS

<small>[ March 14, 2004, 07:54 AM: Message edited by: Spider Slayer ]</small>

Sounds good. I hope you can stick to it.

NY

my prayers are with you SS.

praying for you also.....stay strong.

So, after making all these decisions I felt so sure about yesterday, I had a night full of bad dreams.

There were dreams about fighting with OW. There were dreams about filing for D on my WH because he refused to come out of the fog. A dream about him finally telling me he talks to her 34 times a day.

I had several dreams about our next counseling session.

Has anyone gone through personal training? Like, I went through a program called Impact. It has also been called Life Spring, I think. Now it is called Spectrum.

Anyway, I went through all 3 phases of Impact, and WH did the first 2. Our counselor just completed the Spectrum course.

I wish I could remember more of that, to communicate deeper with WH at these MC meetings. I am just SOOOOO sick of his evasiveness.

And supposedly he rarely talks to or sees OW, and then not in a romantic way, since she is back with her old BF.

It all just doesn't add up in my head. I feel like I am missing part of the equation.

Thoughts?

SS

SS, you are strong. This is like a Plan B letter. ISn't it? I will pray for you.

I am not feeling well again. But I will be strong like you.

spiderslayer -
Run the letter by some experts before you give it to him.
Also one of our friends (I won't mention his name) needs a cyber-slap. He is about to take his hotrod and meet a young lady for a date.
Please read 2-longs advice to him. It is very good.

lostnhurt -

You haven't seen through my bluster yet and realized I am just as frightened and unsure as you are? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm sure you aren't feeling well. It is normal. You are human. You cannot rush yourself through your feelings - trust me, I have tried!

However, they will not last forever. I promise each day, inperceptively, you get stronger. In a week, you will notice it a little. Time is your healer, I promise. It was small comfort when I was so sad, but now it is hopeful.

Lots of love to you. You are going to be just fine. Keep posting.

Believer -

I saw that about our friend. I was disappointed, because I thought he was saving himself for me, if my WH D'd me, too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I was suspicious about what he was up to, as was evidenced by my Bank Teller comment. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I did read what 2long wrote, and it did correlate to my sitch. Time, patience, time, patience.

Made a lot of sense to me. I think my heart was trying to tell my impatient brain something with all those nightmares last night.

I know a lot of posters have nightmares about WH and OW, but I only dreamt of WH 2 or 3 times, and they have been us on a date, and tentatively getting to know each other again, and holding hands. Strange yet familiar. Almost comforting.

These nightmares took me back to where I was at emotionally prior to D-day. When I knew something was horribly wrong, and they were lying to me, and I felt like I was going crazy, and I had deep apprehension and sadness. A feeling that the other shoe was about to drop.

So, I have probably already answered my own question, but I still welcome feedback! Thank you all!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> SS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OK, I am back with the MB concepts again. I was reading another post, and someone pasted a link back to Harley's Love Busters, 3 states of marriage, EN's, and all that jazz.

I reread it. Admittedly, I have not read that information since I joined as a member in early February. It reminded me of why I am doing what I am doing right now.

And I am actually in a position to begin possibly being effective to draw WH out of the withdrawal stage, and into conflict and then intimacy.

My Taker was out in full force yesterday. I was all foggy.

Do I want to be right, or do I want to be married?

I should ask myself that question every hour of every day. To remind me what I am doing. So my Taker will shut up!

Thank you all. I am going to be OK. Hope I didn't scare anyone too badly.

SS

Well everyone is having ups and downs right now. I think we need to break out the old fly by the instruments post.

SS, just wanted to tell you I admire you. You have lots of guts lady! And as you said you are walking with integrity. I actually told my H and later at my "little talk" with OW that you can't walk a spititual path without integrity. I know whatever happens you will be alright.

Please try to keep your humor. I shouldn't talk because my own humor seems to have taken a hike in the past week. But maybe you and I can think of some nice way to mock out our WSs again to retain a little humor. Right now I can't think of anything too funny. Although if you have read any of my posts his mid-life stage has progressed into wanting a Harley. I told him if he reads Harley's surviving an affair we can further discuss it. So today he said, "So, if I read Harley, I can get a Harley?" Me: "No, if you read Harley, we can start practicing Harley's 4 rules. Then maybe you can get a Harley." I feel like the Mommy.

One more thing. Others might disagree on this one. But if you send that letter, don't put that you hope he and OW will be happy. It's altruistic, but do you really feel that way? Personally I hope if they get together your H is TOTALLY miserable and suffers for the rest of his pathetic life. OK, even if you don't feel that way, I needed to feel that way for you. I'm just not in the forgiveness mode right now. Hang in there! I am sending prayers your way! CV

CV -

I wouldn't call it guts. Just stumbling around like the rest of us.

If I had to choose between his position and mine right now, I would rather be me! That's for sure.

Thanks for the complement. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> SS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If you are doubting the wisdom of your decision...wait and pray. We all know how our feelings can lie to us (and evil has the masterful ability to manipulate our feelings so intently that he can prompt action, usually not the right action). This is something that should become clearer to you with prayer. That is why God calls for the constant renewing of your mind, because He knew our feelings would lie to us (if only our WS would have taken this advice).

I am a do-er. This is my blessing and my curse. All this sitting around is killing me. I need an action plan. A clear cut calendar of events. I need control. I need to map out that I will do XYZ for 123 long, and in this manner. This drive and commitment to get things done has served me in many areas. But unfortunatly, this situation doesn't work that way. I am learning that God does not need me to fix this, He is doing much better without my "help." We can also get that evil "whisper" in our ear that may be trying to dissuade us from taking appropriate action (after all, he comes to kill and destroy, and let's face it, permanent door mat status will surely eventually destroy a BS if they never find a way to rebuild their self respect, set boundaries, heal and move on). But usually when I am about to take some action, and there is a voice inside my head making me question that action, I will pray for clarity. AND EVERY TIME, I have gotten an answer. A christian friend happens to call and share a nugget of wisdom. I will hear a custom made for me sermon at church. I will have the Christian radio station playing and they will share a word I needed to hear. I will read a specific bible verse during meditation that talks directly to me. And sometimes, when my mind is resting, and I am not racing 100 miles per hour in my head for the right answer or the next action I should take, I will even hear a small, loving, confident Father's voice telling me specifically what to do.

Wait for that. You'll get it! :-)

Hi SS

Its proabably a good thing that your sleeping on it right now as I type.

Boy, you are quite amivalent right now.

How hard is it? to know how best to act. Best advice I can offer is if you are not sure and know in your heart, there is no harm in waiting a little. After all there is nothing that says if you don't give the letter today, that you can't give it tomorrow.
Once you give it it is done. See how MC goes. See how you feel then. I believe you are very right about the cycle you described with H and you. Go back and read you posts for the last few weeks and you can see it in your posts.

Either way, Plan A, Plan B, or you love must ve tough approach (which I actually feel aids a plan B approach).

We are here to support you. And we will tell you when we think you are on the money or not on the money. But ultimately it comes down to what you think is right.

Sleep tight SS. Good luck tomorrow in whatever you decide. I am thinking of you
C&S

C&S -

Hello! Thanks for checking in on me.

After sleeping on my decision NOT to give the letter just yet, I had good dreams and slept like a log. In fact, I overslept! Only by about 15 minutes, but that is very rare for me.

I am going to continue with the MC for now. I might as well. If he ends it again, I am going to give him the letter, except slightly modified to also be my Plan B letter (of course I will post it here first).

That was my decision before this weekend. In fact, if I wouldn't have been invited to his MC appointment last week, I would be in Plan B right now!

I think it is funny, because WH himself has trained me already to do a most spectacular Plan B. I can go days without communicating with him. And when I do communicate with him, it is on his terms. I get nothing from the exchange, except upset.

I am almost looking forward to Plan B. But the other half of me hopes it can be avoided. If we keep with MC long enough, and he can release the pressure gauge on his guilt a bit, maybe he can face himself.

I have given up trying to predict what will happen. I just take each day for what it is. Do what I can, leave the rest.

Without MB, and all of you, I would not be where I am. It is wonderful to be able to talk out a course of action with people who have LIVED it.

Lots of love. SS