Please, I am in a crisis and would appreciate any advice from a recovered person (successful or unsuccessful) and experienced people like the wonderful ark.

I need real life experience, not just opinion here. I realize none of you are professionals but I have read your stuff for a long time and trust in the strength of your collective wisdom.

Please help me if you can -- I am most grateful.

Here's the thread:

urgent request for advice from experienced people

Merge

While I am certainly no expert, he is definitely in major fogland. After reading your other post I believe you and your marriage would benefit greatly from doing a search for Orchid's expert advice on fogbabble. As an example here is an exerpt of what she has recently posted to Momof3boys:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here's what I said to mine when he was stupid in the fog after I was strong enough to live with the consquences.

BS: S & I decided your (WS) happiness was more important than ours. Please go and have your happiness. It is important to us that you be happy.

WS: (look of bewilderment or just foggy - couldn't tell)

BS: Of course this has and will continue to hurt us but since we have resolved that your happiness is more important than ours, go and be happy. In fact as a rememberance keep in mind that for every smile and happy moment you share with the OW, your family is crying because they gave their family lives to make you have this happiness.

WS: (still dazed and confused)

BS: While we are on this subject, let's just say that everytime you look in the mirror you will see reflecting back at you not just your reflection but the sad faces of your family who gave up their happiness so you can have yours.

With that I sent off my WS. Believe it or not, it took a great weight off my shoulders. I was relieved that he had the sorrow of his family that was going to come back every time he tried to be happy away from us. Didn't matter who the OW was and it didn't matter which mirror he looked into. Eventually it would ring in his ears. It did and still does.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my opinion everything you said to him last night was trying to reason with him. This does NOT work when they are in fogland! Please read some of Orchid's posts, and I hope she will come along soon and add to my advice!

Good luck and know that I've been where you are and I know how hard it is and how much it hurts. If I had had the benefit of this site then I am positive that my marriage would still exist today.

<small>[ March 14, 2004, 06:40 AM: Message edited by: One_Day_At_A_Time ]</small>

To anyone reading and responding to this thread: I don't know when and how often I will be able to come here today.

If I don't respond, that's why. I will be checking your advice though. Probably have another few hours before our contact begins!

Do I talk to him or not? If so, what do I say? Today.

Anything helpful along those lines would be so gratefully received.

Specifically about today. Yes I think there is a right way and a wrong way to go about this. I hope you can help me figure out which is best.

Thanks again for your kinds hearts and clear minds. You are all so very generous.

Merge

ODAAT,

Thank you for responding! I read that post of Orchid's too. If sending him off seems to be the consensus, I will try that approach.

Actually, while he is in fog-land, this is after an excellent early recovery. This is a case of retreat back into fogland after recontact.

I can hang in there longer. My Lovebank is nowhere near depleted. And truly, I am not hurt -- isn't that incredible? You don't know how far I have come in just a couple of weeks. I've found my place of inner peace and strength.

I am in some shock though -- just how quickly everything finally seems to be moving after so many weeks of slow indecision. Lots of good behaviour on his part by choice (like accounting for whereabouts, etc.).

And weirdly, last night was more honesty. Confused emotions, pure WS crap for sure, but shared with me for a change. And along with real emotion for the first time at the thought of losing me. Truly some breakthrough stuff on his part.

Unfortunately accompanied by major admission of OW obsession! But that I already knew so hence the lack of pain on my part.

Thanks again for checking in.

Merge

As I just read on another post by ark:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> the safe environment that the BS needs to work on creating for the WS to feel safe enough to disclose painful information...and if the BS wants recovery...then it does become their onus of responsibilityl </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See, this has been created. And this new honesty was the result last night so I know it finally worked. (The safe environment has been there for a while. He's finally trusting it though.)

So now what do I do with this "new" info he's given me? ie. admitting how much trouble he is in within himself.

Perhaps nothing? Just keep on listening with loving detachment and say I know it must be really tough not to know what to do?

It must be really tough to want to do something you feel is wrong because you don't believe you can control your feelings?

It must be tough to feel that you need to follow one piece of your heart just to see what happens, even though you may be throwing away the rest of your life with me and your family?

Lots of possibilities. Which to choose?

Or just keep my mouth shut and see what he chooses to do, on the cusp of breakthrough or personal descent into hell? More patience and letting things go as they will?

Merge

<small>[ March 14, 2004, 07:31 AM: Message edited by: merge ]</small>

^^^

Merge,

I just posted a response to your other thread in the link.

Hope it helps. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

take care,
L.