My WW still seems determined to not act like my wife, but to act like OM's lover. I found out that she is planning to visit him in the next month or two. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> He does not live in our area so a visit means taking time off from work and flying to another state.

This is very unfortunate. I still love her and even at this point in our relationship I want her back and I want to rebuild our marriage. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

But, how much of this nonsense can I take? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

How long will I be able to resist the urge to start acting like I am single? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I attended a GTG this weekend in which there were a number of single woman who did not know me or my situation. OK, James Bond doesn't have to fear competition from me when it comes to sweeping women off their feet. But, I had several very niced conversations and I am guessing that had I wanted to I could have made at least one date.

But, you see, I am still married, and it's not fair to them or right for me to date.

So, I wait for God's signal.

I understand how you are feeling. Sounds like your Taker is out in full force this weekend! It must be the placement of the moon and stars, because mine was, too.

And I have read several other posts like ours.

What helped me recenter this morning, was reading back through Harley's 3 stages of M, Give and Taker, and Love Busters.

I hadn't read those since the beginning of February when I joined this Forum. The reaon I joined this Forum is because Harley seemed to have a good program, that made sense to me.

I think with the posting and the emotions, it is easy to lose sight of our goal.

My saying for the past weeks has been:

"Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?"

You can only control YOU. W cannot do anything for you right now.

Remember your plan. Go back to basics. Read about Harley's M ideas again.

SS

Your wife's inappropriate actions reflect her belief that you will go along with whatever she does and not rock the boat. IMO, you need to prove her wrong if you have any hope of saving the marriage.

I agree with Yosh. I think there has to be consequences to our WS's actions or they have absolutely no motivation to change their destructive ways.

Unfortunately, I haven't decided what consequences my WH will need to face. I think me telling his family a few weeks ago was one of them.

Justin...that stinks. But maybe, like we hear everyone on the site saying, the A has to live itself out...so that the fantasy morphs into reality, and Presto...it isn't so hot once reality sets in.

But the trick question is, how do you do that without enabling it, condoning it, and getting MAJORLY damaged in the process. How does one do the tough job of walking that tight rope between meeting WS's ENs, without helping them to be cake eaters.

And bottom line is, you have to figure out that balance for yourself so that you don't betray yourself.

I heard a story from a friend who's H had an A...and as they passed through all the phases of the A (the betrayal, blame, anger, retreat, failure of the A, anger, distance, guilt, and eventually coming back) she would work to maintain her pride, her self esteem, her self worth, while gently saying to her WH "The A is wrong...but I understand." Because in each of those wide ranging emotions, when he chose to open up to her (and a lot of times he didn't...he would retreat, and she would let him go, and just reemerse herself in God, her passions and hobbies, her family and friends), but when he would open up to her about how he was feeling, how tormented his soul was at that moment...she did not have to condone the actions he was taking...but she could honestly understand how her WH could be having those various emotions (we have all felt those emotions to one extent or another, and we can all see now how our WS's got to where they are). We KNOW the A was wrong...but we really CAN understand how they came to feel how they feel. We may not like it, but we can further build understanding and a connection by working to try and follow how, what, when, where and why they found themselves at the crossroads of making the decision to enter the A, and how they are now in the difficult position of "feeling" (pun intended) their way out of it.

<small>[ March 14, 2004, 04:42 PM: Message edited by: ChristyV ]</small>

Wow. Very nice, Christy.

That is what I am doing right now with my WH. I don't like what his feelings are right now, I think they are messed up, but he needs to get them out to heal.

So, I don't argue, judge, or invalidate his feelings in any way. In fact, my tendency to do that has contributed to where my M is right now.

Slowly, so slowly, he is sharing more. I have to use my Giver only. My taker LB's. My Giver understands and shows compassion, trusting that in the end, I will get needs met for myself.

But there is no timetable. No guarantee even.

Just hope. Which is why we are all here.

SS

Justin,
Don't know if it provides any comfort, but my WW is thoroughly convinced she's not married either. I definitely empathize with where you are coming from. I have had minimal success (so far) in improving my M, but Plan A has greatly improved my outlook on me personally. It seems like you and I share a lot of things as far as WW's go. My Story may help you a little, if nothing than to see someone else feeling the same things you are, and to see how much my thinking has changed in just three weeks. Good luck, and make sure you do something each day to make yourself better, regardless of WW!

Ethan

Furnitureman, yours is truly a sad story. And I can't help but think that your WW will end up having a pathetic, unhappy life if she does not wake up and change her ways.

How can they do these things? It can't concieve of having an A and cheating on my spouse. Even now, knowing that my WW has been having sex with STD (Silver Tounged Devil) I still can't imagine even kissing another woman.

I continue to wait for God's will to be shown me. I am beggining to feel it won't be much longer.