Right around Christmas my wife told her sister that she wasn't happy. My W told me that she wasn't happy and she felt like two people living in a house. We have no kids, we both own the house and I am a cosigner on her car loan. I am 35 and W is 29. She told me she wasn't happy in Jan. so I asked what was wrong. She said we never do anything and that I spend too much time on the computer. I also started smoking cause layoffs were happening at work. She hates that I smoke so major Love Bank losses. I started to not be on the computer so much and asking if she wanted to go out and do anything. I would suggest dinner or movies, and I was trying to give and she was giving nothing back. We went on like this for a month then around the weekend of Feb. 8th she said I had to go to my brothers house cause she needed time to think. So I did this. Now I've read some books over that weekend. When she came home I said my piece of how I love her and asked if she still loves me I got no responce. I also asked if she cared for me and she said yes. Well the book I read said that I should agree with with whatever she said so there would be no conflict. She told me that it wasn't going to workout and we can't fix our problems, so I agreed with her, my exact words were "Your right sweetheart we can't fix this, I prefer that you stay home and try to fix our problems. Since you think we can't you can stay here, I'll help you find an apartment and help you move out. She stayed till Feb. 11th and she's been staying with OM since then, she was also with OM the weekend I went out of town. She told me she was staying with a girlfriend from work. Called girlfriend and asked if my WW stayed with her at all girlfriend said no. I found out she was living with OM by her cell phone bill lots of calls to his cell. Well before she left I asked what are we going to do about the house she said I could have it, she also stated that she wanted her car I said that's fine. I followed OM home on Saturday from work, my wife and him work at the same company. Followed OM home and didn't see my WW car there so I went to the place she said she was staying, her car wasn't there also. So I went back to OM home and found wife's car there. Went to apartment knocked on door out comes my wife she asked if I was stalking her, my response was are you cheating on me. She denied it. She came by this past Monday angry that I called her girlfriend from work so we talked for a bit. I though she was going to tell me the truth. She said "I have some things to tell you that are going to hurt you she turned her head started to cry and said that when we got married she asked herself what did I just do." I want to believe that she was going to tell me the truth but got scared and said that instead. So I called her girlfriend at work on tuesday to ask for my WW work email address so my sister inlaw could send my WW an email. My wifes girlfriend is mad at her for putting her in the middle of our situation. So my WW calls me Wed. morning to yell at me for talking to her girlfriend again, I get in a big fight with her at work, this is when I get her to admit to me about the affair. I said a few things I shouldn't have, but I was angry and upset. I hung up on my WW she called back and I said I don't want to talk at work, asked her to call me back later. I called her at noon and asked if she was going to call or just come over. She told me she was coming over. All that Wed. I tried to hate my WW but I couldn't I just love her too much. I could start over I know no kids. I did alot of reading at this sight and some soul searching during the day till I went home to wait for her to show up. Here is how the conversation went I asked "Do you want to start or do you want me to start?". My wife wanted me to start. So I said "I'm sorry about this morning I was angry hurt and upset. I also said that I'm sorry we put ourselfs in this situation. Sorry also for not meeting your emotional needs like I should have, but I'm not taking all the blame, you should have came and told me what emotional needs I wasn't meeting." She never told me what needs I wasn't meeting. My wife really didn't say much to me, she mostly listened to what I had to say and cried alot. I asked her to think about us and not make a snap decision about getting a divorce. Before she left she gave me a hug and said she couldn't make any promises. I said I can respect that. After I found where she was living I changed the locks out on the house, I told her this and she cried, I also told her that I now have my own bank account as she requested this also made her cry. I want to believe that these are good signs. Now my questions.

How often should I talk to her?

Should I tell her Father?

Should I quite smoking to show her I'm making an effort?

Should we schedule a day for her to come pick up her mail so we can talk?

John, I would definitely tell her father and any other family members or friends you can think of. Is the OM married? Do you know who he is?

I would talk to her whenever she initiates contact, but I wouldn't contact her.

What is it about the OM that you think attracted her? I don't believe for a minute that she didn't want to marry you, they ALL SAY THAT. It is just fogtalk designed to justify the unjustifiable. They ALL rewrite history to accommodate their dirty deeds, so don't take that to heart.

I wonder if she is on the fence with her strong reaction when you told her that you changed the locks and took her off the bank account? That seemed to really scare her, but not enough.

I am thinking that you might be pretty close to a Plan B in order to throw some cold water on her. She might be taking her time in this affair because she knows you will be sitting there on the side waiting for her.

If you took control with a Plan B letter, that would send an entirely different message that would force her off that fence. I think you are getting close to that point.

The OM was married as of last Nov. found out through my work that cable was turned off on Feb. 2nd due to him going through divorce. I'm really afraid to tell her father due to the fact that she would get very angry with me and I think this would push her away. I do know who the OM is I've met him at several of my wifes work functions.

<small>[ March 14, 2004, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: Johns98ck ]</small>

Tell her father immediately. OF COURSE it will make her mad - because she knows her father will disapprove. No compromise here. This is imperitive.

Also, what book told you to agree with everything she wanted?? Bad advice.

I strongly suggest you get an attorney and get a separation agreement to nail down that you have total control to your home. This will accomplish two things: based on her reaction to you changing the locks, it'll throw another bucket of cold water on her fantasy and if a divorce happens, you're better off financially.

Take this to the bank: she was involved with OM BEFORE she first voiced her unhappiness. Absolutely no doubt.

That said, you HAVE to quit smoking and reverse any other reasonable complaints she had in your behavior. But she'll complain about lots more in order to sustain her rationale for cheating. When you sense she's scraping the bottom of the barrel for things to fuss about, you're making progress.

Again, tell her father - but at the same time, express your desire to recover your marriage and express the fact that you contributed to the poor marital environment that fostered the opportunity for the affair to begin. Bare your soul.

WAT

Johns98ck - wow. SOUNDS SO similar to my situation. If you would like I could email you my journal of what I did in my situation with the parents, etc. Its nearly day by day of what happend and what I did. We had children involved. I'm 34 and she is 30.

My wife came back praise GOD but I will warn you that it doesn't end there. Many months later I am still wrestling inside with everything that happend.

I agree w/ worthatry. Parents can become great allies =P. Her parents were with me when I got an attorney. Most definately seek an attorney immediately.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Johns98ck:
<strong> The OM was married as of last Nov. found out through my work that cable was turned off on Feb. 2nd due to him going through divorce. I'm really afraid to tell her father due to the fact that she would get very angry with me and I think this would push her away. I do know who the OM is I've met him at several of my wifes work functions. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't be afraid to take this essential step! She is already pushed away and will stay that way as long as you keep protecting her dirty secret. Exposing the affair to EVERYONE helps end it. The faster you expose it, the faster it will end. Expose it to his wife, her father, his BOSS, everyone! Do everything short of taking out a billboard.

Just got off the phone with her father. I told him the truth, I saw him earlier today he asked if he could come up for the weekend I had to tell him that WW and I are seperated. He appreciated the cander and the truth. Would like to see the Journal also thanks for the offer.

<small>[ March 14, 2004, 03:20 PM: Message edited by: Johns98ck ]</small>

mlane6@kc.rr.com is my email. I don't know how to find yours on this website heh

Mine is JGavette@wi.rr.com

Check out this post...I really found it helpful when the you-know-what hit the fan in my M.
WAT's post

I say tell as many people as you can that will help to break it up while you are in Plan A and can repair if there is damage done. Take the word of the experts

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Johns98ck:
<strong> Just got off the phone with her father. I told him the truth, I saw him earlier today he asked if he could come up for the weekend I had to tell him that WW and I are seperated. He appreciated the cander and the truth. Would like to see the Journal also thanks for the offer. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">John, you did tell him about her affair, right?

Yes I did and he sounded disappointed, I told him that I still loved his daughter more then anything in the world. I also said that I was partly to blame for the affair happening. Thank you ChristyV for the great link.

<small>[ March 14, 2004, 05:31 PM: Message edited by: Johns98ck ]</small>

No problem. You know what this site did for me that I soooooooooooooooo desperately needed. It took this horrifying, embarassing, unique-to-me, why is this happening to me situation, and made it laughingly common. The things he would say that would cut me like a knife, that would make my friends and family gasp in horror, that seemed to SHATTER my heart... things I could not have imagined him saying in a million trillion years. Imagine my surprise to learn all WAYWARD SPOUSES SAY THE SAME STUFF VERBATIM. I was amazed to see post after post with people dealing with the aftereffects of the same low blows dealt by their WS. Young, old, male, female, married 3 years, married 33 years, one time offenders, repeat offenders, rich, poor, spirituals, heathens...they all said the same S#$T!

Not only did they say the same things, they did the same things. Like cake eating. Doing just enough to make you think they want to work on the M, but being still vague enough to let you know they have a continued interest in the OP. So they are waffle-ing. They are sitting on the fence. They keep all their options open, and you start to see it. Like the crying. Now, do I think they are purposefully trying to manipulate us BS's? No. I seriously think in all the "fog" they don't know what to do. Do they go to this exciting, new, meet-all-my-needs relationship with the OP? They know they could risk everything with you if they choose that route. But then again, if they go with the spouse, they could get back into a "miserable" situation where they are not having their emotional needs met, etc. So they are confused. The craziest part is, much of what is keeping them tied to the OP is an out and out lie. A lie. A fantasy. My WH would actually say much of what they would "dream" about in the future (he and his mistress) materialized out of something like Lotto talk (to quote him "remember when we would talk about how cool it would be to win the lottery and we would talk about who we would help and what we would buy? Well, when me and ***** got together, it started out with discussions about what we would do if we could be together, what kinda life we would have, etc). He is so SNOWED by the "dream" that he can't even see, even though he used the very same language with his lotto analogy, that GLARINGLY points to the fact that it is not realistic. What is her favorite color, movie, her hero, what is her fave food, most hated food, any siblings, are her parents still alive? He could not answer one single question about her. Not one. So this whole comment about spouses being in a fog...THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY. They have lost their minds.

So try not to lose yours. This site will help you!

Thanks again for the support ChristyV, it's too bad that good people have to go through this Bullcrap. You keep you chin up and I'll pray for you. Just a funny little thing ChristyV My WW name is Kristi lol. I know she is in the fog and the lies are piling up on her, I want to believe that it won't last and she'll come back and since I've been reading the books she'll get a much better person in the long run.

You will be a better person...you basically can either get bitter or get better. So either way, you will be better for her...or worst case scenario, you will have done the work to be better for yourself (and maybe even someone else someday). I will pray for you!