I feel devoured inside. In June of this year, my wife of 6 years left me over the weekend to move in with a friend 3 hours away. Over the weekend she met a man who was the friends neighbor and she moved in with him that WEEKEND with my 2 children. Long story made short, she is back and I know in her heart she is committed to our family, but I can't seem to erase images of her being with this other guy.

She came back home in August and we have be trying to rebuild our relationship. There isn't one day that passes where I don't dwell on images of her looking into this strangers eyes with love and passion. I am torn up inside. My heart STILL feels empty and sick.

Here is a picture of my family a couple weeks after she returned

Hi emafia, I am so sorry you are here but you will find lots of support here. It takes a lot of time for those demons to disappear. Around 8 months seems to be a tough time for most and after that it gradually gets better.

The important thing will be to find out what has happened here that led to this so you can take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. What happened? Why did she do this? Is she actively working on restoring your trust and doing things to help you trust her again?

A good book that would be very helpful is Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. Can you go get this book?

What happened?

She went away to visit a high school friend from her home town that she has had little contact with. Over the weekend she met the next door neighbor of the friend and moved in that weekend. She informed me over the weekend via phone that she was taking the kids and moving in with her friend. I found out a day later that she was in fact staying with the guy. This story is so long =). I kept a journal of nearly every minute from the time she left until the time she returned back to me. I turned everything over to the Lord and basically did not give up. I feel blessed but at the same time I am aching inside.

Why did she do this?

She claimed at the time that I didnt give enough attention to her and the children. I have changed my whole life around this event. I work at home and I give my family the majority of my time.

She also had a childhood friend who was murdered just weeks before she left me. We went down and it was actually the first time she met this guy. He was a friend of another friend whose husband and him worked for the local police department. He was a dectective and I think he might of worked on the case. I had stayed in the motel to do some work when she went over to visit the friend and I think they started talking about the recent murder. We were there for the funeral.

I'm not very good looking but I know she didn't leave me for this guy over looks because personaly this guy reminded me of the actor in the show "my fat abnoxious.."


Is she actively working on restoring your trust and doing things to help you trust her again?

This might be the problem. She is the type of person who doesnt like to express or communicate her feelings. She was victim to sexual and mental child abuse from age 5 to 16. I think that could have something to do with it. At any rate, whenever I confront her regarding my feelings / emotions about the situation she tends to get frustrated. She reminds me that she chose to come back home to me and that when she left the man to come back to me she never looked back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by eMafia:
<strong>At any rate, whenever I confront her regarding my feelings / emotions about the situation she tends to get frustrated. She reminds me that she chose to come back home to me and that when she left the man to come back to me she never looked back. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, here is a huge part of the problem, emafia. When you try to discuss it, she tries to shut you up. You have to talk about this. Just her choosing to come home is not enough. She needs to be working with you to repair the damage she caused. Just showing up wont' repair anything.

What is she willing to do to repair the damage she caused? I mean, really, you can't let her blow you off like this. It has to be discussed and she has to agree to certain things in order to restore the trust she destroyed.

Please explain to her that just showing up will not solve the problem. Y'all need to have a strategy here and you need to discuss your feelings or you are going to explode. The least she can do is listen to you after what she has done.

Married for 6 been together for 7. My children are 4 and 2. She is a stay at home mother for more reasons then 1 =). She hasn't ever held a steady job since she was a teenager. I work at home and help her alot around the house. It's probably 70/30 to be honest.

We got some help from our church for about a month. Don't get me wrong our relationship is almost better then it ever had been but I still am fighting images of this situation in my head - daily, hourly and sometimes by the minute. She has been back for eight months.

No I haven't read my journal. Every once in awhile I open the file and quickly close it because it tears me up.

I feel like I have forgiven her.

Great thanks girl! I updated it with my family. I'm new here but its always better to see the face and person behind the text IMO =P

emafia, what a wonderful family! Your wife is very pretty, the kids are adorable and you look very handsome! Thanks for posting them. I have a couple of my pics on Faith1's thread so you can see me too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

is melody lane your name? I'm curious because my name is Patrick Lane =P

emafia, no, my name is really Dana. I picked MelodyLane because it was my son's favorite Beatle's song.

emafia

There are a world of issues that need to be addressed if she has been a sex abuse victim for such a long time. Issues that have to be dealt with if she is going to be able to make the changes needed to make you and the marriage safe in the future.

Has she had professional help with her abuse?

Read up on some of the problems abuse face later in life when it comes to relationships and other issues:

http://www.ncptsd.org/facts/specific/fs_child_sexual_abuse.html

There are numerous posters on this board that are either sex abuse victims/survivors or partners to spouse who has been abused.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=8;t=018568;p=3

As you can see lots of people have been her shoes and it has had a profound impact on their adult life and the relationships with members of the opposite sex.

Her abuse is not an excuse for bad choices she has made but understand that she was more likely to make those bad choices than most and more likely to make those choices in a less selfish way (odd to say an affair can be less selfish but for SA victims that can note can be the case). Acting out later on in adulthood is very common among childhood sex abuse victims and rape victims.

So keep this in mind. Understand like I said its not an excuse but it might help you understand her choices better if you understand how many sex abuse victims like her have acted. Also its important that her abuse issues be addressed much like you would want an alcoholic to address a drinking problem as part of working on building a stronger marriage.

BTW

Her fustration and just wanting to move on and get over it are common for many WSs

Here's a link that shows some common reactions to an affair by both spouses:

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/tips/patternaffair.html