Well all... I sure to come across as strong...but I am a wimpy, wimp, wimp! Hopeful...I blew Plan B too. We really need to exchange e-mail addresses or phone numbers or something...we need to coach each other in times of weakness (I mean stupidity).
I broke Plan B big time. We used to go to church together on Sunday am and pm. I have seriously been diliberately about finding a new church...because, honestly, I am much better off (probably denial), when I do not have to see WH. I told my S about my plans to visit another church, and he was very upset (he, naturally, loves his home church). So, I decided to call him and ask him if he was going to church. He said he wasn't. So I went into long dialogue about how he hurt me when we spoke last week (he was mean and hurtful and acted just really coldly). I told him how his ongoing decisions were really hurting my children (esp my S). Then it got really interesting:
me: If it wasn't hurtful enough that you had an A, then it got more hurtful because at that point I knew you had an A and knew you were still actively having it. Then, on top of all of that, I had to watch you move out and hurt our children. And it is a hurt, as a mother, that I desperately wish I could "make all better," but I can't.
WH: I never meant to hurt you. I never intended to hurt you (crying).
me: And all the things you say, about never loving me, not sure if you ever loved me, married me out of responsibility, it is all baloney that every cheater says. I am educating myself about A's, and they all sound like a broken record.
WH: Way to validate my feelings.
me: Is it outside the realm of possibility that your feelings are lying to you. Beside, you are an adult now, with kids, and you cannot forget them. And these lies that you tell yourself about how one day they will understand because they will be happy that you are happy. Well, that is not true. No child of a broken family EVER says, Gee, I sure am glad my Dad is happy. They cope, the adjust...but they will NEVER understand!
WH: So what am I supposed to do, come home for them and be miserable.
me (ouch...that comment hurt): You just can't expect the love and good feeling to automatically materialize, so you count that up to mean you are destined to a life of misery in the M. Is it possible that these good feelings are not materializing because, A.) you are giving that part of yourself to someone else and B.) you haven't invested anything to make them materialize. In other words, when you started the relationship with OW, you had to invest a large amount of energy, emotions, time, etc to foster what you think you have with her. Since I have had knowledge of the A, and you claim you are trying to figure out what to do, have you invested anything, anything into the M to try and rekindle those feelings with me?
WH: no
silence
WH: but what about the fact that I felt this way long before the A.
me: We read a whole chapter in John Gottman's book that talks about Spouse's rewriting history...could it be happening in this case?
WH: no
me: Let's assume you are right, and you were miserable. What did you do to let me know?
WH: nothing
me: Did you confide in any experts for advise, solutions, ways to confront me about your needs that were not being met, etc?
WH: no
me: Did you give me one single clue you were unhappy? A conversation? A comment? An attitude of detachment, anger? Depression? Pulling back and not meeting my needs? Anything?
WH: no
me: In fact, did you plan parties, trips, give me romantic cards, take me to concerts, buy me flowers, call to tell me you love me, leave messages on my phone with our favorite love songs, etc., etc., etc.
WH: yes
me: why go to all that trouble if you are "done", and have been, with the relationship?
WH: Because I knew it would make you happy.
me: Well, you say you are done now, right?
WH: yes.
me: Well, what have you done to make me happy since you met OW and made these revelations about our M?
WH: Nothing
me: so why did you expend so much energy before....when you were "done?" Is it possible you weren't done, but you have to say you were done, so you don't jump off the Sunshine skyway?
WH: silence....
Then I changed the subject and told him how badly my S was hurting and how I felt it would be valuable for him to spend some time with him this afternoon. He said he would like to come by.
I went about my day, and then called WH to invite him to lunch. He declined. So I figured he no longer was going to spend time with my S.
So about 3 hours later, with no call, he just comes to the house, with all his laundry in tow.
I ask him if maybe he should of called, especially since I figured he was not going to come by since he declined our lunch invitation.
He stayed for awhile, played a few video games with S, cuddled with D, and then collected his clean clothes out the dryer, came over and hugged me, and left.
What the hell? I was mad. Mad at myself for talking to him at all about my feelings, my hurt, the M, the A. Mad at him for declining my lunch offer (that I should not have extended). Mad that he just came by without a call or anything. Mad that he assumed he could come by and do laundry. Mad, Mad, Mad. Of course, I just acted happy and pleasant, albeit a little detached, the whole time he was here.
I must be losing my mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
