Hi all. Well I've been in Plan B for a long time. However WH still shows up about every 10 days. That would have been Friday, however he showed up tonight.

He is still in the same fog. He says he loves me, wants to stay married, and OW will be gone as soon as he moves back in with me.

I told him that will never happen, OW has to be out of the picture. You have all heard this before.

This is so crazy, he says I hold all of the cards. It is up to me to take him back. He goes on and on that he values our marriage, blah, blah, blah. But the bottom line is that he is still seeing OW. So I was very nice to him and told him that I just am not up to a triangle anymore. I told him to have a nice life with her.

Keep on keeping on. You have to be strong for him.

Girl, you have some amazing willpower! :-)

believer

You continue to be so strong. You seem to be on the right path. Plan B has to be tough, and I was on the verge of it a couple of times, but I stayed in Plan A, caught a couple of breaks and we are in recovery.

My neighbor's W had an affair, and it took filing for the big D for him to get her attention. Is this something that might work for you.

I've seen you help so many people on these forums, that it seems it's time for you to catch a break. I hope it happens soon for you!

All the best

SD

Thanks for all of the support. I am still talking to him with compassion. This is never something I could do before. But it is mostly because I have been through this so long, I just don't care anymore.

Two observations: He came to where you are; you didn't go to where he is. And I think part of the fog for my H seems similar: you're to blame for his affair, and it's all up to you (since you were to blame in the first place). Congratulations on your strength!

Dear Believer,

My strong MB friend. Aren't you glad you still can see outside of the fog? As hard as it is, I am proud of you for standing your ground.

After a while we each have to decide whether we want a WS back in our lives or our spouses. At first we may settle for whatever but then realize it can not be permanent living with someone who can't remember where they belong.

Stick with your boundaries. You and your family are certainly worth it. If you had the power he claims you had, wouldn't you have banished the OW to never never land? If you had the power, wouldn't you have made sure the WS' zipper wouldn't unzip in the presence of an OW? If you had the power wouldn't you make sure the WS no longer existed and your H returned?

Give those questions or something similar to the WS next time he 'empowers' you with the blame. Let him know you will not be the scap goat for his guilt. This is a hard step to take but it does get easier.

I used to tell mine when he would babble....

BS: Would you believe it if someone gave you that line?

WS: No....guess not.

BS: Then why am I being picked on?

WS: I'm not picking on you.

BS: Ooh... why am I special.... please don't treat me sooo special.

WS: ok.

EOC (end of conversation). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hugz,
L.
ps: R U interested in joining us on 4/17?

believer,

You sould not even entertain WH at all. You should not subject yourself to this. Just gave him the copy of you plan B letter and don't say a word.

Join us 4/17 ....

-rh-

Helloooooo!...if you know he will show every 10 days or so...why are you still meeting him??? Isn't no contact mean no contact...hmmmmmm? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Zizzy -
I think you can be our "no contact" poster girl.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But seriously I'm in a bind that way. In California, you cannot change the locks if you are still married. So he just shows up and lets himself in. I even went to court to get a restraining order, but unless he is violent they would not give it to me.

The judge even gave me a chance to change my written declaration. He said he could not grant it unless WH had been violent. Doesn't matter that WH removes items from the house (2 Harleys, and a Triumph, guns) without my permission.

I do have divorce papers in with an attorney, but have not filed yet. That is my only recourse.

Why did he show up anyway?

If you did change the locks what will he do?

Believer, you are the strongest among us. I think your way to treat him is appropriate. I don't understand this no contact thing, if absolutely no contact, how do you when he comes back? Isn't now the time to be tough on him to get the OW out of the picture? I think you did the right thing.

Lost&hurt...no contact means no contact...

I did a great plan B for almost four weeks then i started wondering about NO CONTACT...i wonder if it is too strict...i wonder if it is too strict then how am i to know if he wants to come back or not...read my broke plan B thread...my first posting in there said it all. I was pretty sure he WANTED to contact me...but you know what...he never did...he was and still is in the fog.

My WH understood very well what is written in plan B...NO CONTACT UNTIL HE ENDS IT WITH OW...

But we all fall off the wagon in plan B...i guess we need to form a club for that... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and i become poster girl...and Believer the president... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

zizzy - You are too funny. At least we can advise others what NOT to do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> But seriously I'm in a bind that way. In California, you cannot change the locks if you are still married. So he just shows up and lets himself in. I even went to court to get a restraining order, but unless he is violent they would not give it to me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Law is a law and many people breaks it every day. It won't get enforce unless someone complain about it. Change the lock !. You will be surprise that he would put the date of separation when he moved out!, legally it is your resident now and he has no right.

Just my 2¢. -rh-

<small>[ March 15, 2004, 08:20 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Oh, I need some help right now. WH came over again tonight and gave me the same fogspeak. He said that he has given me chance after chance.

He said the OW has been out of the picture, and he wanted to get back with me. I asked him how long she has been out of the picture. He can't remember. But it has been less than 2 days.

I am so tired of this. I am in tears again. He will continue up to the divorce believing that he has done his best.

Oh Believer! I am so sorry. I wish he would either leave you alone, or pull his head out!

Let him believe what he is going to believe. The pod people are still inside of his body.

He can't remember less than 2 days?!?

Freaky. I don't know what else say. Just Freaky.

We all love you and admire you and hope the best for you.

Stay true to your course, your plan, and yourself. As Redhat says, do your best so when you look back in 10 years you have no regret.

SS

Spiderslayer -

Well I LB'd big time. You would have been proud of me. WH still blames me for everything. He cannot see that he did anything wrong.

So it was not very pretty tonight. I told him that we will never be together as long as he is F----ing her. I told him that I really thought they would be good together. He said "How do you know"?, You don't even know her."

I said that I know that they would be good together because they are both lying, cheating, unfaithful spouses. How was that?

Well, at least you were honest! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Maybe he has to actually see the D papers under his nose to get the picture?

I just don't know. I think with the constant disrespect, I would have caved long ago.

But each person has to decide when they have had enough. When the Love Bank is empty.

Is your love bank empty, or have you just detached yourself? Do you even know anymore?

Can you still access those love feelings for him when you don't mind crying? I still can. But I don't go there very often.

Have you done much soul searching on this topic on one of your fishing trips lately? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Let's talk about it.

SS

spiderslayer-

I am completely done with his fogtalk. I have gone through this for a year, and I am done. He blames so much on me -that I won't take him back (No I won't while he is still with OW), that I promised to love him through better and worse, that he is so sorry (but keeps on doing it).

I finally told him to get the F*** out of my house and don't come back. Was that an LB?

<strong> Believer:....Well I LB'd big time. You would have been proud of me. WH still blames me for everything. He cannot see that he did anything wrong. </strong>

Orchid: You didn't LB. You are in plan B. But you did break plan B by having this convo. What did you gain? Nothing. He is still blaming you.

<strong> Believer:. So it was not very pretty tonight. I told him that we will never be together as long as he is F----ing her. I told him that I really thought they would be good together. He said "How do you know"?, You don't even know her." </strong>

Orchid: I heard that line before. You reply below is about how I replied. See, I broke plan B also. Not proud of it, one of those slips. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<strong> Believer:.I said that I know that they would be good together because they are both lying, cheating, unfaithful spouses. How was that? </strong>

Orchid: Well if it brought you sone relief, ok . But watch out how often you break your plan B, ok? You don't want him to take all your hard work for granted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hugz,
L.