Just had some questions that I wanted to post and get some suggestions. I'm going to be seeing my H in about 5-6 days and getting very nervous trying to plan what to say, how to act, not LB, etc. I'm only going to be able to stay a week (I'm in another state) so I want to make the most of the time while I'm there.

I've learned a lot from this website and reading Dr. harley's books, however, my confidence is kind of low. I want him to know and I want to show him what I've learned about EN and that he is in an addiction right now. Should I say anything about knowing that what he is doing/going through is an addiction?

He has already said a couple of times that I will meet somone else, how do I respond to this in the future? I know I can but don't want to and don't even want to entertain the idea. He says he wants to keep in touch, how can I reply to this in a plan A manner?

I guess I'm searching for a script but I know each couple is unique. I just want to do anything I can to save my marriage and want my husband to be willing to try again.

I'm in desparate times now, is it best to just act as friends? I want him to know that we are still married and that continuing to have an A is wrong. thanks

Just curious... Are you and your husband not living together? Why are you still plan Aing him? I thought when your not living together that there is no way to continue to Plan A. Why are you going to visit? Did he leave for the other woman? If so, then perhaps you need to rethink going to visit. It is called Cake Eating; done by your husband. Also, you can not only act as friends! Your married..He is your husband and then friend. Sorry, No one has responded to your post. I am sure you are stronger than you can ever imagine. This should happen to no one. I am sorry for you pain, and will keep you in my thoughts.

Hey there, Roughroad.

What has helped me lately is to go back and reread the Basic Concepts on this site.

It really helped me to remember my plan, why I was doing my plan, and what my goal is.

So reading again about the 3 stages in marriage, the Giver and Taker, Love Busters, etc., reminded me why I joined this program and site.

Perhaps becoming clear on your goal, and keeping that foremost in your mind while you are there, will be helpful when you choose your words and actions. It has helped me.

Best wishes and remember:

"Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?"

That has become my motto. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SS

I know how you feel. I was as confused as you are at the beginning. I was looking for scripts. But no one can give you one. All I can say is to act confident, be yourself, be calm. I learn all these from all these days. All MB friends helped.

Thanks guys for the quick replies, keep them coming.

Betrayed, to try and answer some of your questions, of course like others my situation is very complex. You can read it on the just found out forum, under "haven't seen anything in my situation," but basically this is the short of it.

I am living in another state due to a job I accepted in october of last year, my H was supposed to be joining me after he graduated in may of this year. we were going to see each other almost every month until then. we have a house in another state which he is living in and i am just renting with a friend, which i thought was temporary until we could get our own house here.

I was active duty when we moved to where our house is and when we bought the house we knew we would be selling it when he was done with school. i just found out about his EA/PA barely a month ago and we had already seen a realtor in january to discuss selling the house. i think we've decided to sell it ourselves though to save money. so i'm going to go to do wome stuff with the house, have a yard sale, but most importantly to try and soften my H heart so that he will want to work things out.

he says he loves me but isn't in love with me, that he wants to be happy, that he cares for this OW and that he wants me to let him go, he's not interested in trying to save our marriage and just says he can't go back. I told him I would quit my job in a second to come back but he just kept repeating "don't do that." I'm supporting us financially right now. I don't have enough leave saved up at my job to be there for more than a week.

I guess i'm not sure if I'm plan A'ing or not but just trying to do what i've been reading since I came back from my visit in feb when everything came out into the open. we've only talked a few times on the phone since then. I don't say I love you when I hang up. I wrote him one letter after I found out and came back to where I'm living. and he called me after reading it, to say he thought we had said everything and wants me to understand that he can't go back. but other than that we have had little correspondence because that's been my understanding of all the posts, books, etc. is not to be desperate, needy, etc.

I'm not keen on the idea of being friends but some of the things i've read are that when you are in plan A you are to not do anything that will cause your WS to be unhappy, meet what EN they will let you and to be strong and confident, so in my mind that sounds kind of like a friend. as you can imagine I am dying inside and just want to do whatever it takes to open my H eyes and heart to me again. I'm not pursuing anything (a D) or pressing him to sell the house even though he says he's anxious to get out and start trying to support him self.

Right now I'm just trying to anticpate things he might say or do or things that will come up while i'm there and hope that it's what is needed to start to turn things around, at the very least not make things worse. hope that answered your questions and i'll keep checking in. I wish i had the money to make a telephone appt with Dr. harley but i just don't have it. Yes, my marriage is worth it but we just don't have it.

You can read my thread under Plan A/ Plan B to see what your WH would say. They almost say the same thing. So you can expect that and it won't hurt you so much. My thread is long, there were 2 or 3 conversations between me an WH. There was a new one I posted today.

L&H I have read a lot of your posts. I think that my H is pretty comfortable with his decision not to work on our marriage, he's not straddling the fence or waffling. I'm not even in the same house or in the same state (not because of this). we haven't even talked about us since I confronted him last month at our home (drove all night to get there). I had to leave to come back to work and I have been keeping our few telephone conversations very brief.

I have come to a couple of decisions though which I really hope is what God is leading me to do. He called me a few days ago to talk about his car and etc. and told me that while I was there he would be staying with a friend. I said I didn't think that was necessary, his stuff was there, it was still his home, and I wasn't going to be there a couple of days (going camping by myself with our dogs) but he replied it would be easier for him. I said I still wanted to spend some time with him and just said oh yeah, of course. What else could I have said? I am going to contact the OW's mom while I'm at our house next week. I found a PI in that area and it will only cost $50 to find out her address.

I'm not going to tell my H until after I have talked to her. I'm going to do it in person so that she can put a face to the heartache and not be able to hang up on me. I will also try to do this when OW is not there. I'm also going to give my H a letter that trueheart (FWS) wrote to all WS. I want to make sure he reads it so I'm just going to sit us down and say that I don't want to be the source of anymore unhappiness to him but it would mean a lot to me if he would read this letter from someone who has been where he is today.

That's about as much as I got planned so far. I've lost 23lbs since I saw him last month (still have a long way to go) and pray that he will see this as a sign that I am serious about the changes I've made and returning to the wife he married. Keep me in your prayers as I do for you as well as all those on the MB forum.

Roughroad, I am sorry for your situation. We all go through the same thing. Do whatever you think it is appropriate in you situation. I am here to pray for you. I pray for all my MB friends. Drive safely.

thanks L&H you're a real sweetheart. My mom and dad live about 5 1/2 hours away from where I'm at and i'm going to go there first friday after work and stay the night. It's a 9 hour drive from their house to mine. My mom's going to give me some tapes to listen to that she got from "focus on the family" some of them deal w/addictions which is what A's are. have you been able to read trueheart's letter? Hope you are taking care of yourself.

^