Argh! Just when I think I am moving in a forward direction, WH drops some bomb on me.

Maybe not a bomb, but now a cause for much anxiety for me. This is an excerpt from his latest email to me:

"I was thinking maybe we should try to get together for lunch tomorrow before the counselor meeting. Then we could hash out little things that we don't need to do at the counselors session and get some food. I am not sure if I am going to be comfortable with having dinner at the house with the boys there, but this might be a step in between. Plus, after we get this all out in the open over these next weeks you may not want to invite me over anymore. So I don't want you to feel obligated to that invitation.

Tell me what you think."

Good grief! What now??? Ugh. I am trying not to think about it, but I want to be able to control myself during these sessions, and have my breakdowns without him seeing them.

Any suggestions? How did some of you get through these tough times, hearing things you don't want to hear? Realizing there were more lies involved than you even thought? What if he is still sleeping with her????

Please give encouragement. I have to go shop and cook, now. Hopefully I won't cut my fingers all up and then squirt lemon juice in them! That always makes me feel sorry for myself.

How pathetic am I!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

SS

Oh, and I responded with this:

"Anyway, I probably cannot do lunch tomorrow. I think I am cleaning with Vicki until 12:30 (last I heard). I will let you know if I become available. I expect to hear from Alice this afternoon. She has some tests tomorrow with the doctor, so I am covering for her.

I understand about dinner. I do not want you to feel pressured; I want you to know you are welcome. We are your family, and we love being around you. You are my friend, and I know sometimes you are lonely.

Regarding stuff coming out in the coming weeks at counseling, I am sure it is going to be hard for both of us. I’m sure there are going to be things I don’t want to hear. My goal is to not attack you, verbally (or physically, and I hate having to add that in – I hate that I have done that to you). But we have to get past all this stuff before we can move in any direction."

SS, I thought you are on Plan B, no contact?

Um, no. WH has requested limited contact, only about children and finances, only through email.

I am Plan A-ing still. Although, not really, because last I heard, WH is not seeing OW in a romantic way, "just friends." She is dating old BF, as far as I know.

I am trying to be the lighthouse.

Oh, Lord give me strength.

Maybe this is a good sign, though. I was thinking about that in the shower just now (I have great thoughts in the shower).

Maybe he is attempting to come out of the fog. If he thinks I will not invite him over anymore, not want to invite him over anymore, he must think that something he has done is wrong.

Is that coming out of the fog?

And it is encouraging that he indicates he will continue MC for at least a few more weeks. Isn't it?

Thoughts?

SS

Yep, very encouraging. Stay in Plan A. Keep leading his big dumb self back to the marriage.

Hey, I thought Wednesday was the day you reserved to fall down on your face.

I know! I better not today, then.

The cleanup crew is busy with someone else today!

Plus, if he does what I think he will do at MC on Tuesday, I will need everything I can get on Wednesday!

Thanks for reminding me! All better now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SS

Yes it is very encouraging.

So, what more can you do in Plan A? There will be time for your Taker to come out in Plan B...now it's time to give, give, give. Give him the best thoughts of you, so if/when you move to Plan B he'll have you on his mind and have regrets of what he is giving up. Start to change this M into what you want it to be...starting with YOU!!

Fake it till you make it.

You say you get terribly upset whenever you talk or meet with him...let not every discussion or meeting turn into R talk...

Call him up, tell him a joke you heard. Send him email about a blessing or happiness in your life. Joke!!! Have fun with him. why would he want to come home to a long recovery...ugh...wouldn't it be easier to start over new. Let him see that it won't be ALL hard work and seriousness. Be playful.

I know, I know, it's like asking a grieving widow to take part in a bubble gum blowing contest...you don't feel like it. But try...you BOTH need it.

Make what little time you have with him enjoyable...compliment him (classically males high EN is admiration), stroke his hand or rub his head or ears (my H's weakness) rub his back...try to give in ways that will please him...

Then when Plan B comes, he will have something to miss, and you will have better thoughts of him too, so as you are preserving your love, he will consider his options a little more truthfully, instead of in anger...

SHMI -

That is all very good. Thank you.

We are just getting to the point now where we have communication with no R talk. I am just following his lead. I try not to initiate any contact unless necessary - business or kids.

And I try and share a funny kid moment, or tell a joke, or something that will make him smile.

Baby baby steps.

I am most concerned with MC appointment tomorrow. Sounds like he might be considering dropping some unknown facts on me.

I am hoping to remain cool and collected during the meeting, and coming here to meltdown.

I guess that is what I need to keep in the front of my brain.

SS

SS, I will pray for you for tomorrow's session. Stay cool. You can do it.

SS

NO matter what he says to you, he is still foggy and in withdrawals from OW. We are here for you if you need us. Just remember you can't believe much of what they say. When he opens his mouth to talk think of Charlie Brown's teacher, you know how she goes whawhawhawha think of that. That is what I started doing, when WH started with the we are going separate directions bla bla bla stuff. I laughed on the inside. I actually had a good IC session today. I got a lot out. She asked me a question today that I had already thought about myself, but no one else had ever asked. She asked me why I thought I wanted or needed WH in my life? I told her I would think about it and let her know why, because at this point I think I am just pining for the old life I used to have. Not really sure it would work if he did come back now. Too much stuff has been done and said at this point. Let me know how you make out tomorrow.

NY

think about this.......

what could he possibly say that you havent allready thought anyway!

Thank you for the prayers, lostnhurt.

Thank you for the whawhawha thing, NY. That is so true. Although I believe I am afraid of the facts right now. I have gotten a little more used to the babble.

Nikko - I guess that is what I am afraid of. For so long he has assured me that he has told me everything, so I haven't let myself imagine too much. Which is why I probably seem to be doing so well.

In reality, I am scared of what he is going to say. Or, it could be more babble. Who knows.

I am going to try to not really think about it too much.

Me and my old man (the dog, Grover) just went for a 45 minute walk. It was nice with the sun on my face.

I, of course, will keep you all posted.

SS

Jazzygirl -

I think we posted at the same time.

I am a personal chef. Today I made a Zucchini Cheese puff, Tofu Salad, and Macedonian Salad.

These clients are vegetarians.

Thanks for asking! I enjoy cooking, did not cut my finger, and didn't get any lemon juice in there! Phew.

Cooking is becoming a pleasure again.

Thank God. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SS

SS, Glad you enjoy your job. Can I come over to eat? Your menu looks good. I am almost vegetarian. That's one of WH's complain, he said the kids learn from me. Ha.

Prayer with you for tomorrow.

SS:

"WH has requested limited contact, only about children and finances, only through email."

I tried a "modified plan B" for a week in July 2002. Wasn't a plan B because you really can't modify those. During the week, I got a number of emails from my W, trying 2 bait me in2 discussions. I wanted 2 respond, but my MB friends mostly urged me not 2. Still Seeking agreed that I should, though, and so I did a few times. I made some objective points about foggy things she said, and for a long time afterward felt that I had really accomplished something. But now I know better. She didn't read, or didn't "hear" anything I said. Still doesn't. She has 2 learn her lessons on her own.

More importantly, how does this limited dialog method work for you? If it works, great. (although mine didn't produce results, it made me feel better at the time).

"I am Plan A-ing still. Although, not really, because last I heard, WH is not seeing OW in a romantic way, "just friends." She is dating old BF, as far as I know."

They're not friends, and you certainly know it. They never can be, either. How does the old BF feel about his GF being "friends" with a MM that she cheated with? Does he know? If he doesn't, are you considering informing him?

Regarding your sample reply... ...now I'm feeling mischevous!: (my edits/notes in [ ])

"Anyway, I probably cannot do lunch tomorrow. I think I am cleaning [engine blocks] with Vick[ ] until 12:30 (last I heard). I will let you know if I become available [-this was ac2ally very good, I wouldn't change a word]. I expect to hear from Alice [Cooper] this afternoon. [ ]he has [a concert] tomorrow [at the arena, and needs a drummer], so I am covering for h[im].
I understand about dinner. [Meals can be such a drag, don't you agree?] I do not want you to feel pressured [without ac2ally BEING pressured]; I want you to know you are welcome [2 contact me whenever you can fit me in2 your hectic philandering schedule! - DEFINITELY don't use THAT one!]. We are your family, and we love [reminiscing about you]. You are my friend, and I know sometimes you are lonely [-I won't say it!. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ]
Regarding stuff coming out in the coming weeks at counseling, I am sure it is going to be hard for both of us, [though I'm coping better all the time]. I’m sure there are going to be things I don’t want to hear, [but right now I have no idea what those things might be]. My goal is to not attack you, verbally (or physically, and I hate having to add that in – I hate that I have done that to you). But we have to get past all this stuff before we can move in any direction. [What's your name again?]"

SS: I hope you have a sense of humor! I've been told that mine's quite warped!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-ol' 2long

Of course I have a sense of humor! That is how I have gotten through all of this.

I liked your sample response. Very creative.

I guess my plan now is to not LB. That means contacting him on his terms. I gave up a long time ago trying to tell him anything. I just smile and nod, and thank him for being honest with me.

I invited him to dinner because Jazzygirl wrote a post the other day about how her and her daughter excluded WH out of activities. Now that they are in recovery, JG posted that she regrets not inviting him home.

So, I just threw that in there for good measure.

I am not doing a Plan B right now, because he is still willing to do MC. star*fish advised me to continue what I am doing as long as he is willing to keep the lines of communication open, since I don't think he is seeing OW anymore.

AS soon as he stops MC, I am in Plan B, don't you worry!

Thanks for the smiles.

SS

SS:

Look up an MBer by the name of "LostVA". Her story was a great inspiration 2 me.

She never did plan B either. Was always nice and invited her WS over, even though he was living with his OW (who was less than half his age) for several months.

LostVa was quite funny at times, 2! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-ol' 2long

Spiderslayer -

Well in counseling tomorrow, he could tell you he is in love with a man. That would be the only thing that would shock me.