Hi -

I'm relatively new here, posted a few times - mostly just lurk and read about how many of us are in the same, awful boat. I have posted to the Plan A/B section, but thought I'd try here, too.

Basically, it breaks down like this. D-Day was Oct. 18 when WH told me he was having an EA with a woman he works with. He said it'd only been 2 weeks (which I believe, because he'd only known her for 2 months by then), but that he was in love. Not "in love" with me anymore. I was devastated, heartbroken, and certainly never saw it coming. Over the next few weeks, I managed to anger him quite a bit by snooping, calling OWH, and getting his mother involved. He had had it, and moved out "to think". Well, OW moved out of her home, too (she also left her 3 children). They lived in a hotel for a couple of weeks, then WH moved in with his mom. I use the term loosely, because he really only stayed there 1 or 2 nights a week.

Around Christmas, he came crawling back, wanting to fix things. We were intimate, but I could feel that he wasn't in it as much as I was. I had read SAA and HNHN by then, and was doing a great Plan A. I figured he was in withdrawal, and just tried to be understanding about it. Several times he told me that he didn't know how much longer he could stay. After the first week home, we were no longer intimate, and he didn't want physical contact at all.

The inevitable came, and he moved out again on Jan. 14th. I tried Plan B for a couple of weeks, but found it very hard with our two small children. So I've been back to Plan A - being very friendly with him, trying to meet his needs when he's here. He visits the kids 3 or 4 times a week, and we are cordial with each other. He has gotten depressed several times (mostly about missing the kids, he says), and will seem especially vulnerable. During one of these depressed moments, he sent me an email asking, "I am wondering something? You seem to believe, without question, that our situation is temporary and I will come back, sooner or later. Why is that? What is the basis for your hope in light of everything that has happened? You don't have to answer this if you don't want to. No rush either. I am curious though."

He also put a PS at the bottom telling me that he wished he could've gone on a recent weekend trip with me and the kids, but that his job makes those kinds of trips impossible. Then he said to "nevermind", he was just "babbling". I thought it was a good sign that he asked.......I don't know. This was my response:

The easiest answer is because I love you utterly and completely. I also believe, in spite of everything, that you still love me too.

I have known for a very long time that you are the man I want to be with forever. I guess the thing I didn’t know was how to show you...how to make you feel special and appreciated and loved. You can rest assured that I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.

Since I learned of the affair, I have made many personal changes – both to myself, our home, and our children. I am a better person for those changes – a much BETTER person. Given the chance, I know we will have a much happier marriage with the new me.

We have spent many years together, being everything to one another. Best friends, confidantes, parents, and lovers. We may have had some bumps in the road together, but all in all, we’ve led very good lives together. Knowing that history, it is incomprehensible to me that we will wind up apart.

To answer your question, the basis for my hope is my faith in you and my strong belief in our marriage. My hope also lies in the eyes of our children. They mean the world to us both, and I know you know that the best possible gift we could give them is our happy marriage. I meant what I said when I vowed ‘till death do us part’.

Should you decide to make our family whole again, I plan to spend the rest of my life proving to you why you made the right decision. That is a GUARANTEE (much more valuable than that crap they sell you through GMAC).
There are a ton of logistical issues that you probably struggle with daily - money, the kids, our home, her past, etc - but I am focusing primarily on our relationship....that which makes me so sure about us and our future.

I realize now the many mistakes I made in our relationship. Knowing that I had a part in sending you into the arms of another woman haunts me every day of my life. It is the vision in my head that keeps the tears forever in my eyes, and the pain foremost in my head.

I suspect you still cannot see that our future together is brighter than ever. We have the tools to make our coming years the best they've ever been - to make our lives richer than we've ever imagined. How can this happen, you ask?

Something else I've discovered about myself is that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. This strength and resilience has led me through some pretty horrifying days and nights of late. But these experiences have only strengthened my resolve, and my ability to be strong enough for the two of us. I have become strong enough to see past all the hurt and anguish, and see through to the next portion of our lives.

You see, I cannot bear to think of the alternative. You are the air I breathe. I have never felt so much love and pain in one breath. When you leave, it's like the air is sucked out of my body like a vacuum. My stomach turns, I get dizzy, the tears in my eyes are fighting their way out. And then I remember the huge possibilities ahead of us, and I find the strength to function. I look at our children and know. I just know.

You will find your way back to me, to us - of this I am confident. I know you better than anyone on the planet, and I know you will find your way. Until then, I will remain patient and understanding - planning for your eventual return.

All my love,
Wanting Him Back"

No response from him. This was a week ago. He was here last night, and I asked him about it. He said that it made him feel more guilty. He said that he liked what I said, but that it made him feel guilty. He wouldn't say anymore, and had to leave.


Sorry to ramble on and on - I just need some perspective. Some say I should move to Plan B, but trust me when I say that it would push him in the other direction totally. I know that he's conflicted about everything, and I'm sure that's only the case because of the good Plan A I'm doing.

Any and all input needed - I am trying to focus on other things, but I feel bombarded with emotion. The tug of war between my logic and emotion is ripping me apart.

Thanks - I look forward to hearing from you.....

<small>[ March 28, 2004, 03:29 PM: Message edited by: Wanting Him Back ]</small>

I don't have much advice to offer only suggestion to keep doing what you are doing. I would love for my H to ask me a question like yours did. I wrote him a similar letter and sent it to him shortly after I left the area (I live in another state due to a job not to this and had returned to our house to confront him but had to leave for work) and he called me up to say that he thought we had said everything and that he wanted me to understand that he couldn't go back.

that was almost a month ago and before I've read dr. harley's books and the posts on this website. I don't think much has changed in his mind. we'll see..i'm going to be seeing him next week for a week while he is on spring break. He says that he does love me but he's not in love with me, that he has been unhappy for so long and wants to be and this OP makes him happy, he just wants me to let him go.

I've very interested to see what advice/suggestions you receive because i think it will help a lot of us. stay strong and good luck.

WHB,

The way I understand it,is that Plan B helps your WH see what life is like without you in it.

Right now he's getting his needs met by 2 different women; why wouldn't he want it to remain that way.

I think it's great you have access to his e-mails. You can see how well your Plan A is working this way.

Personally, I think he's very confused. I think he'll have to suffer more before he's ready to pull his head out.

You sound like you're in pretty good shape all considering. I am happy for your children that they have such a strong mother!

Strength of character is sort of a surprising find as we go through these situations. One of the "gifts" I suppose.

I can't really help you on the Plan B question; I didn't have to do it; so don't feel qualified to answer your question.

There are some wise posters here however; they should be along shortly! Blessings, CSue

Thank you both for your responses.

Sometimes I feel hopeful, sometimes I feel lost. I had to take a brief walk after dinner last night just to keep myself together. I get to low points sometimes. Thinking he's really made up his mind, he doesn't care anymore, etc. etc. So I need this forum to remind me that the impossible can and does happen.

As for Plan B, I know it is to be for myself. SH and I talked about doing it, but he understands why I feel I can't right now. I'm hanging in there, and feel that if I did Plan B and he did go in the opposite direction, I'd never be able to forgive myself. That being said, I know he's getting needs met by 2 women - and that's not helping my cause. I'm basically holding out hope that she's going to start showing her true colors sooner than later, and he'll see her for who she really is.....and there I'll be - same loving, caring, understanding wife I've always been.

Please keep the encouraging words coming - they are really helpful....

Wow, you sound VERY strong!

Plan B will be an obvious when you feel your love dwindling. It's for you, to protect the love you have, and for the WS, to help them make a decision clearer...what would life really be like without you? Would it be enough to have only OW?

I'm glad you're talking with SH. Although I haven't, I have heard wonderful things about their counseling.

How are YOU holding up? How are you changing YOUR life? There is the possibility that through this all, you may have to learn to live without him after all (I know, it's small, or at least we hope it is). Do you get out? Redecorate the house? Plan vacations with family and friends minus WH? Start moving on with your life? Don't put things on hold for him?

I remember my H getting very scared when it seemed I was giving up.

And BTW...it's MHO that's what your WH's question was about...he wanted to know how long he could continue this...how long you could hold out. He wants the excitement of the OW, the contentment of a family, and is confident you will wait for him no matter what.

How long can you go on like this? Do you have a time limit?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Wow, you sound VERY strong!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have given myself up to the belief in the Harleys' program, convincing myself (or trying to anyway) that WH is in an addictive state. I try hard to make myself remember how things were just a few short months ago.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How are YOU holding up? How are you changing YOUR life? There is the possibility that through this all, you may have to learn to live without him after all (I know, it's small, or at least we hope it is). Do you get out? Redecorate the house? Plan vacations with family and friends minus WH? Start moving on with your life? Don't put things on hold for him?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am holding up okay for the most part. I have made dramatic changes in my life (that my WH has yet to acknowledge). I have lost about 60 pounds, joined a gym that I visit regularly, the house is always clean, and have bought almost a whole new wardrobe - sexier. I go out with friends about twice a month (while WH 'babysits'), and I have made some decorating changes since his departure. I definitely feel so much better about myself because of this utterly hellish period in my life. Figures.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How long can you go on like this? Do you have a time limit?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ask me tomorrow how long I can do this. Last night, I felt like throwing in the towel - hence the walk to clear my head. I guess I can continue as long as my brain wins out over my heart - again, it's logic vs. emotion.

WHB - ditto CSue and StillHere

I suggest you think of Plan B as your protective escape, not as something you do to your H. We can't deny that implementing Plan B can have an affect on the WS, but it's hard to predict.

Let's analyze whether Plan B is a good move for you:

You have young kids which makes Plan B very difficult - some contact is necessary.

You have some good evidence that OW is LB'ing your H.

You know NOT to LB your H.

Your love bank doesn't seem to be nearly depleted.

You're having necessary contact via MC.

The answer seems obvious, huh? Everyday that OW LBs your H and you don't, you're that much closer to him. Why go dark (Plan B) when you can contrast what OW is doing?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The answer seems obvious, huh? Everyday that OW LBs your H and you don't, you're that much closer to him </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you, WAT, for stating what I've believed for so long. Sometimes, it's just hard to not want to run and hide. I am trying SOOOOOOOO hard to be strong enough for both of us. And you're right, my love bank is still quite full - he still makes my heart stutter when he touches me.

Thanks for the encouragement. I need it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi everyone -

We're having some serious anger issues with our 5 year old. He's been lashing out at me, telling me things like, "I don't want to live here anymore. I don't like our house anymore. I don't want you as my mommy anymore." Some pretty hard stuff to hear from your own child.

I've informed my WH about these episodes. Last night, actually, he was instrumental in getting my son to calm down. When he did, he told me and WH that he was only crying because he missed his daddy. My question is, is he only saying this because he knows that's an okay thing to cry about - or is he really lashing out like this because he doesn't know how else to deal?

Help! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Your son is lashing out. His world has been torn upside down and he doesn't understand why.

He is hoping to hear your WH say he is coming back and things will return to the way they were.

Remember a child that small has few tools to change their world when its broken up and he is using the only one he has command over. At least this time its not about you refusing to buy the latest Power Ranger toy its for something very noble.

I think key here is to assure him no matter what he has a mommy a dadddy that love him and that is not going to change no matter what happens.

As for the OW it does appear the more time he spends with her the less that fool's gold glitters.

<small>[ March 16, 2004, 07:48 AM: Message edited by: stunned-dad-fast recovering ]</small>

WHB,

I'd like to encourage you to see a therapist for your son. There could be some important things to know that could really help him at this time. Especially at this age.

5 is a critical time in their emotional and social development. I'll say an extra prayer for him. Blessings, CSue

^^bump^^