The OW in my situation is 21 years old, single, and still lives at home. I'm trying to decide if I should expose the A to her parents, How do I do it, and what the possible ramifications would be.

I would have to hire a PI in order to get enough of her information in order to expose the A to her family. Maybe they already know, who knows. But I think that if I do decide to expose that I want the information to go straight to them and not in an around about way. Thought maybe a certified letter might be a way to make sure it's only her parents that open it. Any thoughts? or any other ideas of how i could accomplish this? I don't think going to their house is a good idea at this point.

I'm not going to come to a decision any time soon. i guess part of me knows it will upset my WH and he will think I'm trying to ruin her life. All I want is my huband back and don't want to be the source of any unhappiness of his and exposing would cause some of that.

I'm throwing out a line guys, advice would greatly be appreciated.

I don't have much faith in a certified letter. I've signed for those that were addressed to my H, and the post office never questioned it. I think a phone call would be better, so you know it's not her receiving.

I don't think you have to have proof for the parents. Just tell them that their daughter is involved in an inappropriate relationship with your H and that it is hurting your marriage.

I dont' know where you live or your laws, but I have a friend that is an investigator and he said that the OW parents could give the letter to the police for harrassment charges. So needless to say I never sent it. Of course he said if I sent it anonymously they couldn't prove it was me. When I talked to OW I asked her if her mother knew and she said yes. Then I said she must be real proud of you. That kind of pissed her off a little. She said how do you know my mother and I said she works with my mother. She said this isn't about our mothers anyway. Just be careful of the laws.

NY

or any other ideas of how i could accomplish this?
Call them up. "Hi. I'd like to speak to Mrs. ow's Mom. My name is roughroad. I'm calling to let you know that your daughter (ow), is having an affair with my husband.
It's pulling our marriage apart and I thought you should know this information."

Keep it short & simple.
Be polite and matter of fact. Don't try to argue with them if they say you're crazy.

but I have a friend that is an investigator and he said that the OW parents could give the letter to the police for harrassment charges.
They can give the police anything they want.
If it's short & to the point and only one letter is sent, I doubt very much the police would even consider filing charges.
Harrrassment is continued & unwanted. One short, letter would not constitute harrassment

<small>[ March 16, 2004, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris you are right. He did say that harrassment is an ongoing thing. But if I they gave it to the police they would come to my house and talk to me and ask me to not do it again. Sometimes they even fine you a fee or have an order put against you though.

He did say that harrassment is an ongoing thing. But if I they gave it to the police they would come to my house and talk to me and ask me to not do it again. Sometimes they even fine you a fee or have an order put against you though
Only if it continues.
If it was for only one incident (and the letter was short, to the point & polite) the police would do nada.

How many people would file charges against junk mail marketers if you could based on one incident? Probably everyone would. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

First of all - it ain't against the law to send a letter that is non-threatening. If the police come to chat, invite them in for coffee and donuts and ask their advice on how to handle it.

Guess whose side they'll be on ??? Yer hubby will be lucky if they don't Rodney King his butt.

I'm not much for subtlety. Call them up at a time when you don't think OW is home and talk to them POLITELY - not many people respond poorly to "I really need your help", everyone reacts negatively to "You need to talk to that b!tch/slut/whore daughter of your's"

Yeah, I guess come to think of it anybody could sign for it and it would say where it was coming from. I guess want to catch them off guard (not sure what the point of that is, just waht i feel).

I'll have to do some more digging to find out how to contact her mom personally, maybe at work if she is employed. I know there a lot of "what if's" but i'm just trying to prepare myself for the worse so to speak (the worse has already happened IMO). What if the mom says I know but they love each other and you should do what your heart wants. or something like "what do you want me to do about it?" or "well maybe if you were a better wife then this wouldn't have happened."

probably one of the things i'm trying to anticipate the most is my H's reaction. If I were able to talk to Dr. Harley is exposing this to her parents something he would recommend? I know I can't focus on what he will do or say but I know that I'm supposed to (according to some of the things i've read) to act as if i'm going on with my life. Isn't that sending a mixed message? that I'm contacting the OW because I want to save my marriage but I'm doing things to show that I'm going on with my life (in hopes that he will want to reconcile).

I know lots of confusion, I know i'm not the only one experiencing these things. I guess i've read so many books, articles over the past few weeks and i'm just trying to make sense of things. thanks to all of you for your advice/suggestions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If I were able to talk to Dr. Harley is exposing this to her parents something he would recommend? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely! According to Dr Harley, if the affair is ongoing, it should be exposed completely. Affairs thrive on secrecy.

Don't get too worked up about what her parents might say. Just state the facts politely and if they jump on your case, excuse yourself from the conversation knowing you've done your best.

I'll have to do some more digging to find out how to contact her mom personally, maybe at work if she is employed.
That would probably not be a good idea. Contact her at her home.

What if the mom says I know but they love each other and you should do what your heart wants. or something like "what do you want me to do about it?" or "well maybe if you were a better wife then this wouldn't have happened."
That is why you keep it short, to the point and don’t argue. Just as long as she knows the facts.
She may very well know exactly what is going on and not care.
Don’t demand that she be on your side.

probably one of the things i'm trying to anticipate the most is my H's reaction.
He will be pissed off bigtime.

If I were able to talk to Dr. Harley is exposing this to her parents something he would recommend?
Absolutely he recommends telling everyone about the affair.

I know that I'm supposed to (according to some of the things i've read) to act as if i'm going on with my life. Isn't that sending a mixed message?
That doesn’t mean you simply act as if he dropped of the face of the earth.
You have to go on regardless of anything else that happens. So why not learn to do it now.
Your life is not dependent upon him, even if you had a happy marriage.
You need to keep in mind that you ARE still married.
But you get to fix the toilet, do shopping, mow the lawn and pay the bills.

I'm doing things to show that I'm going on with my life (in hopes that he will want to reconcile).
No. You are going on with your life because you HAVE to, not “in hopes that he will want to reconcile “.
You don’t have to reconcile if you do not want to. IF he chooses to reconcile, then you can make a decision if you want to.

<small>[ March 16, 2004, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris - Dat's m'boy!

I want to focus on the last thing you said - you have to live your life and handle it because you are still breathing and life is not going to wait on him. With or without him there are bills to pay, responsibilities to meet and a future for you. The simple truth is that when a WS sees the boat leaving the dock without them they can stay on the pier or start swimmin like a madman to catch up. Either way it is CRITICAL for a BS to recognize that they DO NOT HAVE TO take the WS back and make the WS realize it!!!!!

You can say "But it isn't that simple, we have a house, kids, life etcetera". Yeah, it is that simple - not easy but damned simple. An affair is forced upon the BS - and the humiliation is debilitating. Recognizing that as of right now YOU have the option to let them go or let them back in is important. Forgivness should be asked for. Christ forgives automatically - but there are still consequences. You may forgive a WS but they still have a responsibility to earn that forgivness through doing what is right.

J did not wait around to see what i decided, she knocked me senseless, packed her stuff and left. I ran after her begging and pleading and it was SEVERAL months before she was ready to say "OK, I am committed to making this work and i believe you are a changed man".

If she had let me get off with a promise of "I won't do it anymore" that promise would have meant "You won't catch me next time".

I really and truly had to be CONVINCED she had given up on me before i really changed.

Your WS may be smarter than I was, but I am a big believer in setting down some boundaries about what is acceptable, what is not and what will and not be tolerated in ANY relationship - marriage, work, friendship etcetera.

Fear of the WS leaving for good is a big one - and pretty much their only weapon left to manipulate with. If you get to a point when their "Don't push or I will leave threat" is met with "OK, seeya" then they have no weapons left and it is either get in or get out time. As long as a WS can straddle the fence they WILL keep doing so. I begged and pleaded for forgivness not because i had done wrong but because I knew deep down it was what was best for me. The true remorse and understanding of what a scumbag I was came later... and man did that ever suck.

Understand the selfish place a WS is in and act with that in mind - if you can put them in a situation where the OP is NOT in their interest and they know it then it is game over for the affair.... until then they will look for a way to keep the window open just a crack.

thank you..............

Well I don't really think my WS is straddling the fence or waffling. I think in his mind he is quite comfortable with his decision to not work on our marriage. he called me a few days ago to tell me a couple things about the car, etc. and said that while I was at the house he would be staying with a friend.

of course my first reaction was OMG! how am going to be able to try to meet his EN if he's not there, I was counting on the week I was going to be there to plan A and at least have some contact with him. I didn't LB when he said that I just said I didn't think that was necessary becasue his stuff was there, it was still his home, and I wouldn't be there a couple of days anyway (going camping by myself w/our dogs). He just replied that it would be easier for him.

I am getting more confident in my decision that contacting the OW mother is a good idea. I think I need to do it in person because if I call she can always hang up on me before I finish what I say and in person she can put a face with the situation and heartache.I also called a PI in that area and apparently it will only $50 to find out her address, etc. I would prefer to talk to her mother when the OW isn't there (she still lives at home). I also think I will take someone's advice and not tell my H until after it's done but still tell him.

any last thoughts? keep me in your prayers.

^

I usually post on OC board, however, I read your post and thought I might add a thought.
Someone else please comment.
If you are going to see the mother of the OW, I would also tak a friend with you. My concern is that the situation could later become one of "he said/she said" With your H in Lala Land, you want to be able to say you were civil, made no threats, weren't intimidating. You just went to her mother, stated your case believing that a mother would not want her daughter involved with a married man. Your friend could back you up and there are no possible recriminations.
I know what I would do to my 22 year old daughter if she were involved with a married man.
It wouldn't be pretty.

Just a though
Texasgirl

Thanks for your comment, I didn't really think about that. I don't really have any close enough friends in that area that I would feel comfortable enough to ask to come with me. But I do have a taperecorder that I used in college that I could put in my purse. I hope I"m going to be doing the right thing. I hope the OW's mom feel the way you do.

While we are on the subject. Do you have any suggestions for a dialogue?

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 01:46 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

okay, getting close to the exposure, probably this thursday night. again, any thoughts on a dialogue w/OW's mom, that is if she lets me talk to her.