How do you get past all the lies and try to learn to trust again?? We split up and live many states aways. He finally told me he wanted to come and move where I am and for us to try to start rebuilding things. It was going great until I bought him a plane ticket for a visit but he called at the last minute and had court stuff with his exwife to handle. The courts says he had no appointment several times. I asked him to just either tell the truth about what was going on and I could move on and he swore up and down nothing. I asked him to fax me a copy of the letter that he had to there and he wouldnt he got mad and said I would never trust him. Things we from bad to worse and then I called his parents where he is staying and his little brother told me he was somewhere with this girl (same girl who he swore he was only friends with and not talking to anymore). I emailed her of course she called him and he got really mad and told me not to bother with him anymore. I talked to him Mom and she said she stays out of his court business (yeah right not what my H says) but she knew he did go to the faire with some mutual friends of ours and there was a girl named Rebecca and swears it isnt the same girl. I emailed our mutual friends but I have a feeling they don't want to get in the middle of it. Can I ever ever trust him or believe in him. I just wanted him to move here and start over so we could be a family again.

I also wanted to add that when he asked if I would take him back he started calling all the time emailing me, we chatted on the computer with the webcam all the time. We talked and planned about him flying out to see me and how much he missed me. We were saving to get a place together so he could move here. I was all things great then bam all the sudden it was like my nightmare all over again. Why wouldn't he just tell me he didnt want to come. I dont understand I gave him that chance but he still sticks to his story that he isnt lying.

Angel,

It's not really up to you to get past his lies. It's not up to you to learn to trust him again. You can't just make up your mind to trust him. It's not that simple. It's up to him to EARN your trust, and he's not doing that.

Don't get me wrong, you can't keep beating him up and you have to be open to trusting him, but the change has to start with him.

I looked at a few of your old posts. You were at this site in May last year under another name so I assume you and he had some problems almost a year ago. You said you did a Plan A and he came back. Then in November you were back at this site, having just moved from AZ to VA because he was involved with an OW (the same one?).

So your H has been in AZ for the last 4.5 months while you were in VA.

It's not clear to me if you tried a Plan A long distance and if so, how that went. Could you fill us in?

From what little info you've given us, I'd say:
1. You shouldn't buy him the ticket. If he wants to move to VA and work things out, he can jolly well buy his own ticket.
2. He MUST agree to NC and he MUST be willing to earn your trust back by sharing financial records, cellphone bills, voice mail and email passwords... in short, his life must be a completely open book so that you know there is no contact.
3. You should be Plan A'ing your little heart out.
4. Any other expectations you have, such as IC, MC, AA should be clearly outlined before he moves back. After all, that's a big step for him to take and he should know what he's getting in to. You should make your boundaries clear. Don't settle for less than a real M. I suspect you did that back in November.
5. Find out what *he* expects from *you*. I imagine he won't want to relocate without some commitment from you that you're going to meet certain expectations of his.

Thank you for replying. Yes that was the same me back in May. He has stopped drinking and was taking his meds for manic depression but with him having no insurance and can't get in right away to see doc he is off his meds.

We were doing great making plans, everything, then all of the sudden he just said he couldn't come because he had court. He said he couldnt get out of it. I called the courts after a day to find out if he could and they said it was fairly easy to reschedule, my H got mad at me for doing this. He had no appointments under his case number, and the courts had no appointments for when I called. That was one flag ya know. Then he starts putting this you dont trust me back on me. Ok then we work things out a day later and he says dont give up on us. Then I call Friday when he had his appointment still nothing showing so I asked him to fax me the letter he had to appear and he said no if I don't trust him then to bad and that I will never trust him. Then Sat. I call his moms house(he is living with his parents) cause he isnt answering the phone. His little brother tells me he is with Becky at the Renascience Faire, I freak cause it was this Becky girl all along. The later he messages me back and said he was with some mutual friends of ours and their friend Rebecca. I talked to him Mom Monday and she said she knew that he went with some friends and a Rebecca but that was it and said she didn't know anything about the court but stays out of that (yeah right).

I gave him many chances last week before it went that far for him to come clean and just tell me straight up that I wouldn't be mad but he swore up and down nothing and he had some stuff he had to take care of. Then it just went down from there. Now he isn't talking to me and today is his birthday. I called last night and left a message to tell him happy birthday and that I remembered it was his birthday and left it at that.

Should I try to start over to Plan A again, yes I did plan A from long distance and everything was going great and I did trust him actually. But then all this busted wide open last week. He should of got on that plan and probably never would of gotten caught again. He always trys to make me think I am crazy and lay blame on me and put it back on me. I know he knows the truth and he said he needed time to think. Well you know he needs either time to figure out which girl he wants or I don't know but after him doing this to me it has crushed me again. I also even sent him a bank card to one of my accounts so when he moved out here he could use it! If that isn't trust I dont know what is.