OK I will try to get this out the way it is so please just take the situation as is .

WE are in recovery its been 10 months since the hole N/C thing and I have faound NO evidence that H would be lieing.

I have been dealing with the FEAR issues and streaching the imagination ect.

NOW my H does feel and shows that he is secure this is in the past and does understand the triggers (don't like um but who cares)

To the point ,,,,, There is a poker game every week at one of the guys homes my H is very in to that TEXAS HOLEM GAME (I think thats how its spelt) we often play together and with freinds and family BLAH BLAH

3 weeks ago he asked to go and said if I did not let him it would be ok although he really wanted to .

BACK track He asked over a month ago and I said NO , I just felt like I didn't trust enough he said ok and there was no fight or anything he accepted that and said he totally understood where I came from ,,,,,,,,,,,,,BUT he would hope that life was not going to be about this A forever.

Ok now back to now ,,,I said ok 3 weeks ago and he told me where, who and NO WOMEN at all also the guys address phone # and his RADIO to me would be avaliable to call anytime at all .

So he went he won and gave me the money to pay some bills and kept some for him showed me the amount and asked if it would be ok .

NOW I did explain he could not go every week .
1 I don't like any thing PLANED weekly (so I am a BS LOL)
2 -we do not have that kind of money .

OK NOW tonight there is another GAME and he asked to go I want to say yes and I have ....

BUT here is my problem I always walk around with my gaurd up always thinking there is going to be this PLOT agaainst me YA no what I mean FEAR FEAR FEAR

I don't want to look over my shoulder so I want to let go but what happens of I am wrong and it is about OW ? Or should I say fear is right ?

AND if I don't get back to NORMAL will it only drive him away further down the line ???


See we never had these issues he had his hobbys things he did GOLF, FOOTBALL ect I was always welcome never bothered . That changed when he came home I learned how to play golf I am very into football for over years now . We go to see our team play twice a year and watch them on TV every week together .

We do our date time 1 a month (babysitter hard) but we spend more then 15 hours alone a week .

So is this the personal recovery he!! that I am still dealing with . I mean the I have to GET OVER IT ALITTLE at a time .

Am I stupid to let him go out ever alone for enjoyment . ?

Alittle advice some takin to words of wisdom Anything ???

TY in advance

Hi there,

I know exactly what you mean about wanting to be reasonable but feeling that paralyzing fear hit you again months down the recovery road. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Brainstorm on this together and you'll both end up a lot happier about it. Right now you're scared, and that's no good. And you're stuck with telling him what he can and can't do, and that's no good either.

I'd suggest you two should go over POJA and how to Negotiate again, and come up with a solution that you are both enthusiastic about. Maybe you could both start going to a mixed (male and female) poker night. Maybe he could find other recreational activities to do with his best buddy. Maybe poker night could be at your house once a month and that's the night he gets to play.

H did not go to the poker game , he told them he had to come home cause he needed to shovel the snow at the house . But he would catch up with him next week .

Witch is originaly what we talked about the once a month instead of a steady once a week .

See we do talk about a comprimise way POJA .

He feels sometimes other then to be with me or have it infront of me is the only way I will be satisfied . He understands , but would like me to understand the reverse .

There are 5 to 7 men and other then 1 they are Married ,, and they go to a once a week poker game No wife , No kids ect.

He said , I know that not all of us are the same because the A but lets say it was and now you live your life .

His question when is it not any issue? So mine is the same . Is it ok for it not to be an issue anymore?

Is it fair for me to say thats it I am done with all this and if he cheats again then theres nothing I can do about it lets just get on with life?

I want to be this way most of the time , but then I feel like I have some RIGHT to never let him or I feel that way again .

And if thats so then there will be no end .

Ok I am confusing myself now, sorry to anyone who reads and is confused I am rambling .
got to go .

I guess I am wanting to know is it ok to finnally let GO of this . ?????????????????????????????????

Hi 3...when we read SAA and the MB website early on it indicated that all spare and recreation time should be spent with spouse or family. We pretty much stick to that, with the exception of him playing tennis or golf occasionally here in our neighborhood.

It's not even that I'm afraid to let him out of my sight anymore, I'm not. The issue is more that we should be meeting each other's EN's for recreation, companionship, etc.

We always spent the majority of our time together even before the A. He always did some things on his own with his friends (only sports) but I never really had that desire. I only really like to do activities with him.

Now we spend almost a 100% of our free time together and we both love it. We're never bored..we workout, go to movies, ride bikes, walk, go to parks, do all kinds of things with our kids, etc.

Me and My husband come from the same type of back round and are around most people family and freinds same.

We where raised with that time apart alittle is a greatr thing for a M . MY dad had his CARD night with the boys 1 a month , his bowling leage with the boys once a week . My mom had her girls night out movies ect.

His mom and dad as well , all our siblings have the same with there Spouses .

All these loveing and wonderful M's,,, before we M we wanted the same we communicated about all of this . We always spent the majoity of our time together , but he had some of his own things .

When the A took place it was not about that stuff none of it .

So his thinking is why should it be any different now . Yes he agrees for my pain that it has to be some what different and has no problem with that but there is no need that it should always be 100% together .

And I do to , that the weird thing , I love to see him enjoy himself and know it makes the M good , he is happy and that makes a differnece when we are together . Am I making sense .??

He loves doing things with me , he loves it that I enjoy things he does and that I always go the extra mile to learn about things he is interested in .

WE do have one set of freinds that he never liked the wife cause she is so bossy and if she don't want to do it or see the interst in it her H can't .

So am I a weird BS if I just let it go ? I can't worry about him wanting this A again forever .

I mean if hes gonna do it won't he find away ????

Just like a child ?

Hi 3,

It's OK for it not to be an issue when you no longer feel it's an issue. Sounds like your H is going all the right things now to reassure you and be considerate of your feelings. I'm glad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think we have to let go of things a little at a time, and when things prove OK, our fears will lessen a little at a time.

I, of course, know the fear of which you speak. It got to me about a few weeks ago. H has been working on a boat in the same boatyard where he met OW. It's not more than 4 blocks from where OW lives. He's working same long hours and we're not having much time together. So, of course, the old imagination goes into high gear! Talk about triggers! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I held myself together the best I could and did not mention how all this was making me feel until I called his cellphone one day and he did not answer or call me back in a few minutes. When I did finally reach him, I was a mess and not very MB like. But I asked him right out every question in my mind--Have you seen her, has she visited you, have you called her, has she called you, have you had contact with her through other people, would you hire her to help you????????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I told him if any of that was happening to just tell me because I didn't want them laughing at me behind my back again about how I was such a gullible fool! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'll have to say H took it all well, and gave me the answers I wanted to hear. Those memories and triggers are powerful stuff, I didn't realize I still had that much garbage stuffed back. Guess I need to dump the trash more often! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

But enough about me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ...I don't think we can force ourselves to "just let it go" and not acknowledge our fears. As the old saying around here goes, "Time heals".

Thanks GUys , I think sometimes I answer my own posts LOL ,,, I am just looking for some one to say its ok and I am not an A$$ to feel secure to trust again .

Some times I think that the hole BS thing is , we think we are stupid to ever trust and live normal lives without it having anything to do with the A .

In fear that if we do give in to this trust that we will be made a fool of again for shore.

And I know theres no garenties , so thats whats helping me to let go ..

I can't and don't belive anyone can garentie that how much time is spent with there spouse that they can't find away to re-contact OP .

That is the thought that goes through my head and gives me the energy to want to move forward to trust again.

I mean he knows ful well what happenes if he has contact and /or lies to me about that .

So I feel secure that I have done all I can and given of myself all that there is to recover this and forgive.

He also understands ME and my way of thinking , the past is part of me , so the A will always be apart of me . That I can never help , He can never change what happened so there is only forward to go !

TO4T - sorry those triggers got ya going I can relate ya know that .
For so long of ongoing contact it really took its toll in recovery for me .

I am starting to relize that I made some major mistakes in refrance to the ongoing contact and ALLOWING him to do what he felt he had to for peace of mind . But hey I did and now I can't beat myself up anymore for that .

When you feel those nasty triggers come and VENT I will be here to read your posts and to listen and relate . BUT don't hold them in till ya crazy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> that is not healthy for you .

Talk soon , thanks for your words , ya got the point . I miss hereing from you