Help. I need contact guidelines for WH and OW. My WH's field is small and OW is in this field. There is a chance that they'll see each other at industry events a few times a year and possibly work on projects every other year or so.

Are there any guidelines to help protect him when contact occurs? To protect me when contact occurs? (WH is not going to any event parties without me for a LONG time). Do we need to share these guidelines with OW? Do we need to outline consequences for non professional contact, i.e. full disclosure of A?

I must confess a part of me also wants H to shed light on the ugliness of their "friendship" but perhaps I'm just trying to reclaim some of my lost pride and lost status in my WH's heart?

We started counseling last Friday with our pastor, who is amazing and someone we both respect, and the fog has begun lifting rapidly. WH met with our pastor alone for 2&1/2 hours on Saturday and I can't believe all of the responsibility he's accepting for his actions. He said what's right and wrong is becoming clear to him again. We'll be meeting a couple of times a week for a while, but WH still thinks we should wing it as it pertains to OW contact.
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DDAY 2/13 , discovered them together in our house. OW was hiding in the bathroom, our daughter was taking a nap. For the full report see "Discovered A 4 Days Ago" in "Just Found out." It was an EA lasting 3-4 months. I hate the phrase "in love."
Last contact 3/11 when H tried to set OW straight and explain why they would never work out. WH told OW he loved me and our family, but also confessed that he was still "in love" with her.
3/12 counseling begins with pastor and the fog is evaporating.

Loy, I've talked to you before about extra-ordinary precautions...many which I think you found silly. I do however, think you are beginning to understand now why Dr. Harley recommends the things he does to protect marriages. My honest opinion is that he should look for another job. What job is more important than your marriage? Did he ever write a no contact letter??? (seems like you didn't think that was necessary? can't remember) That letter could put in writing some of the very things you are expressing here. It could include what would happen if they run into each other etc. It would certainly include the fact that he will tell you immediately if she tries to contact him. But I still think you're tempting fate with the job thing.

What I found silly was the concept of moving to another state away from our family, our church, and our friends. How would moving away from our greatest marriage advocates help us?

The contact we are facing is minimal but random. Small industry. They don't work in the same location or for the same company but there are industry events. There is a lot we can do to avoid OW, but obviously we can't control everything. There is a big difference between changing jobs and changing the industry you are in.

I know there are BS and WS out there who still have to exist with OP in some way or form. How do they do it? One person wrote that their WH held their hand when they unexpectedly ran into the OW at the mall. I don't know, I'm just looking for brainstorming ideas. Or things that other people have found comforting and helpful to prepare for the unexpected.

Your H should write a NC letter that you approve and you should mail it together. His last contact was only a few days ago and he told her he was still "in love" with her. You need a much clearer line drawn in the sand. There should be no doubts in OW's mind that she is no longer a part of your lives.

There are example NC letters on here, you can do a search for them. They should clearly state that he loves YOU, his M is his top priority, and he should request that the OW not contact him via any means for any reason.

Since you know accidental contact is a possibility, I think it's a good idea for your H and you to POJA how accidental contact should be handled and what the consequences of NOT adhering to the plan would be.

I would most definitely NOT share any of this with OW. That's what NC is all about. She is NO LONGER a part of your lives and certainly shouldn't be told about private agreements between you and your H. The only exception might be to put in the NC letter that if OW contacts either of you then full disclosure will follow. I wouldn't even put "non professional contact" in the letter. She could make up some reason she has to contact him related to work. Don't give her that loophole.

Help. I need contact guidelines for WH and OW.
Okay. The guideline is zero contact.

What I found silly was the concept of moving to another state away from our family, our church, and our friends. How would moving away from our greatest marriage advocates help us?
You could ask your husband how having an afair helped your marriage.

Sometimes you have to do things which may not be easy.

If OW is married a chat with OWH might be a good idea if she does not get the hint.

No contact means just that - nothing ambiguous about NO or CONTACT.

Is it possible that a WS and their OP can co-exist and never rekindle the affair? Sure it is.

Is it possible for them to rekindle it if they do not speak, write, see one another at all? Nope.

I don't recommend changing EVERYTHING in your life if your kids are in school, good church etcetera but he can avoid contact. One of them has to decline on projects, one of them has to forego a conference - whatever. If OW is married it is worth letting her H know or at least hanging that over her head.

She doesn't have to like you or H, better if she dislikes you both and is a little afraid of you making things hard for her.

Meanwhile, conferences are not mandatory unless you are the top guy and need to speak there. You can buy a copy of the proceedings and forego the 4 day visit to the resort.

WS's may moan and groan but bottom line is that by giving up your fidelity you have to give up other things in trade if you want trust back. Not saying no contact is EASY but it is terribly simple.

There are LOTS of folks here who did not insist on NC and a year later come back saying "OOOPS that was a big deal". Take our word on it.

Turtlehead: Thanks for reminding me of POJA and that OW shouldn't know about POJA. Full disclosure if contact continues will be included in that letter.

Chris: I can't move out of state or to another city. It's not an option for me. Of course WH hurt our marriage, he thought he was immune to having an affair. What is it, pride before the fall?

2ofaKind: Just missed your post. Thanks for responding. There are no out of town conferences, my H works in the arts and so it may be difficult to know what other "artists" have been hired for a gig.

Perhaps he can ask who else has been hired before he accepts a job?

Perhaps the only way to avoid full disclosure is for them to never work together again? I bet that's motivation for OW and WH. Is this getting closer?

Guys, this is really helping me form my thoughts on what is needed. Thanks.

I can't move out of state or to another city. It's not an option for me
Why is it not an option?
It might not be easy but it may be necessary.

I used to be married to a brass musician. I understand about gigs and the field not being that wide.

The way I see it, if your H is in a field like that, he can either totally ignore OW at gigs, or you guys can move.

It's not realistic for him to ask if she's been hired or not, and accept or reject jobs based on that. It gives her too much power in your lives and it makes him appear flakey and unreliable - not a good thing if he wants to keep working.

If you go for totally ignoring her, you should also ask that he tell you immediately of any gig she's involved in. You might agree that he'll call you during breaks. You should be free to attend the jobs, too, and your H should avoid any socializing with "the group" after the gig.

Why can't you move? There are other gigs in other cities.