I don't think posting my story would give any insight to my real question- so I will save you reading it.... My current status is about 2 years post D-day, and my H (WS) and I are currently seperated since around the first of the year...

We have had great communication for quite sometime now, but there is one thing that unfortunately I just can't "help" or "identify" with when my H and I talk about the A.... Its actually hard for anyone but a WS to identify with what he is going through... And I wish I had someone that he could call to get support through this diffcult time.. Someone that has been there- or currently "there"... He has read and even posted here a few times- but at times its hard because it seems often the focus here is to "rebuild" "rebuild" "rebuild"....

Are there any WS out there willing to just post your current situation and "feelings" about your OP?.... He is just currently struggling with what to do... There are so many decisions and choices- and to talk to close friends it seems like they all think the A with the OW would "never" work- yet they aren't the ones with these strong "feelings".... I guess that's why I need insight from people who have actually experienced this.... It would not only help him, but help me as well to see what he is dealing with.... Because although we both feel great "pain"- it is just different for the BS and the WS to try and deal with the A....

Thanks to all that have helped in the past- and any WS that can lend some advice I would greatly appreciate it....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Someone that has been there- or currently "there"... He has read and even posted here a few times- but at times its hard because it seems often the focus here is to "rebuild" "rebuild" "rebuild"....

Are there any WS out there willing to just post your current situation and "feelings" about your OP?.... He is just currently struggling with what to do... There are so many decisions and choices- and to talk to close friends it seems like they all think the A with the OW would "never" work- yet they aren't the ones with these strong "feelings".... I guess that's why I need insight from people who have actually experienced this.... It would not only help him, but help me as well to see what he is dealing with. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

OTH -
are you asking for someone who is still involved with their OP to share what they are feeling at the present time? Or are you asking for someone to share about the struggles that they had... the feelings and thoughts that they had before, during and/or after they made their decision to cut off contact? I'm not involved with my OP... I've stopped contact... but I'd be happy to help if I can.

CW

OTH-

is your H seeing the OP while you are separated? Does he have a desire to work on your marriage? Did he leave on his own, or did you ask him to leave?

CW

oops! just realized I doubled that one...

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 12:56 PM: Message edited by: captain's wife ]</small>

Sure...

To WS:

My feelings about OW? I don't have any true feelings for OW. I've got some interesting memories which I wish I could get rid of.

You see, I was in love with Snow White--a fantasy creature from Never Never Land. She didn't exist any more than Minnie Mouse, the Tooth Fairy, or Santa Claus. (For clarity, OW is not a manipulating monster. She is just another person that you have built into something that can't and doesn't exit.)

Marilyn Monroe made an interesting observation, she said: "Everyone wants to go to bed with Marilyn Monroe, but in the morning they wake up with me." It is like that with OW...you are going to bed with a fantasy, but when the sex is over, you are seeing someone else.

OW isn't real. You have feelings for OW, just as some kids "love" Goofy. But, they are in love with something pretend. Apparently, everyone around you is telling you that whoever you are lusting after isn't the same person they see on a daily basis.

It is tough to let go of OW. But, you have to. She isn't the one to "make your life better." She is as messed up, perhaps more so, than you.

If I could hit you over the head with 2x4 to wake you up, I would. I and my W suffered through an affair for 3 years, and it was an incredible waste of time and energy.

The A was an incredible act of self-absorption on my part. One of the best things I've ever done was break off the relationship with OW.

My biggest regret is that I broke it off at 3 years instead of 2. You have a chance to be better than me.

<small>[ March 17, 2004, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: Jimmy Mac ]</small>

CW- I will try and sum up the last two+ years, but as you are aware, it is difficult to explain everything in the short amount of time I can come here to vent.... So I will do my best... And come back when time permits... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am asking for any WS at whatever stage they are at....
Right now for a little background- D-day was 2 years ago, we "tried" to work on our marriage, but he never really could have NC with the OW- the "feelings" are just too real.... He does understand the "fog"- but is having a difficult time seeing the fantasy/reality part of all this... I mean to him the "feelings" are real- so the confusion just leads in circles..... (Through the course of my recovery- and wanting to make our marriage work- I found that my reasons were very "moral", "value" and "principal" driven, not "feelings" driven)...
The seperation was a "mutual" decision- really just felt we had "tried" everything else and what was left?.... I knew that in seperating I take the risk of him being more accessible to the OW- but in all honesty in seperating- we are working more on "self-recovery" than our marriage anyway... And I know he has talked to her- but as far as a real "relationship" for them- no that hasnt happened yet...
I guess more or less what I would like is just a perspective from WS's- who have made their marriage work, have gotten a divorce despite their A not working, or even had the A work... (that is if there is anyone on here like that..)
Thanks so much CW- (I hope I have answered your ?'s)

Now Jimmy Mac-
WOW... what powerful words... Thanks so much for that perspective...

Sorry that's all I have time for... But I will be back.... Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Just to clarify, I am not saying the feelings aren't real. They are...they are just directed at someone who is a fantasy.

People love dogs, cats, cars, houses, and baseball teams...so, you can develop feeling for something easier than you might think.

Having an A isn't like going back to high school, it is much, much different and much more enticing. A guy has got a tremendous amount of pressure to succeed, and after you and your W are married a while, the M gets to be more like a business--there are bills to pay, and money to make, and a house to take care of.

At some point, you realize that your job, your W, your $$$, your family, etc. is not going to give you what you need. And, you externalize that and say, "Hey, it is my W's fault. If I can get a better W, then I will get what I need." But, that is b*** s**t. He is 32 years old. The only person that can make him happy is himself. If he can't be happy with you, who obviously cares very deeply about him, he isn't going to find it with some other woman who has serious problems.

What your H wants is not what someone else can give him. His problem is within himself, not with his W.

DISCLAIMER: Of course, there are abusive W's and

Jimmy Mac, great post.

and great job getting your marriage back together <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> it is really nice to hear from those marriages that are now pretty solid.

I was a WS that married the OM. We've been married about 6 years now but we've been together a lot longer then that. I'm sorry that I don't know your story but what I gather from this post is that it's been a couple of years since you've discovered your husband's affair. For me there was no fence sitting. I knew I wanted out of my first marriage and although I did and always will regret the timing of my husband and I meeting along with the pain that it caused for many I am not sorry that I am where I am in my life now. But, in your situation it sounds like he IS fencing sitting and torn. If that's the case he should jump off of the fence into your yard and work at it 100%.