I visited my doctor today who has been treating me for depression. I am around 40 and im sure many of you are familiar with that magic number. He is an excellent listener and didnt pass judgement when I admitted that I have been on a couple of extramarital trips.

He did reccommend that I drop in and do some reading. He asked if i planned on continuing with this and I had no answer as I am undecided. My second gf just broke off our dating. I am exploring my options, trying to decide if I will stop or see another woman.

I like the site and plan on revisiting.

For those of you that condemn extramarital activity, you might refrain from flaming as I won't bother to read it. Believe me I know how you feel about "cheaters" as I hear it from others.

I am more curious about how others deal with this and finding an answer as to my future. I am a little dis-allusioned with my first 2 attempts as the whole thing seems to be more trouble than it's worth........so far.

Robert - what are you hoping to accomplish?

Do you want to stop "cheating?"

or

Do you want to feel "better" about it?

If you want to stop, you may find solutions here. If you want to feel better about it, we will not and cannot help you.

well now if that isn't cryptic I don't know what is...

You are HERE because????

Are you married??

When you say My second gf just broke off our dating. does that mean your SO on whom you cheat...
or are you married and by girlfriend do you mean the person you are cheating on your (spouse)..._________/significant other with...

For those of you that condemn extramarital activity,
are you saying people here should condone extramarital activity...wouldn't that be something like...swingingdotcom...I mean you did read the web-site right...not a flame!!!

and i assure you we adults are more than capable than dealing with this issue without "flaming"

I am a little dis-allusioned with my first 2 attempts as the whole thing seems to be more trouble than it's worth........so far.

Are you looking for tips..
as in third EMR is a charm...
how to have an EMR and make everyone feel good about it...

AND those are all honest questions about what you posted...
you wanna get real about this....come on back...
you wanna surround yourself with rationalization that are actions don't hurt people
and that we should be entitled on actions that make us feel good...

do you have kids... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

here's some help
WS wayward spouse...That be YOU... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
BS betrayed spouse that be your wife. if you are married
OP that be the person you are having the affair with...

ARK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> who put away all HER flame tools just a bit ago...dang....

This is sort of what I expected would happen. Yes I am married, no kids.

No I dont need tips, not asking for approval and no I dont know what I want to do next.

I want a safe place to learn and ask questions.

I know what I dont want.....I dont want to be a target for ridicule. If my sole purpose here is to be a punching bag for BWs &BHs I think I will pass.

Ask your questions and you'll get honest answers.

Why are you married if you don't want to be committed? Would your wife choose to be married if she knew what you do?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He did reccommend that I drop in and do some reading. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I concur. Read up on the MB concepts and articles.

Start asking yourself the obvious questions.
What is wrong with your marriage?
What are your emotional needs and are they being met by your W? Are you meeting hers?
Why have you looked outside the M to have your needs met?

There is no validation for having an affair. None. You won't find validation here. What you will find is input on applying the marriage building concepts.

I perceive your first post to be laced with a bad attitude. You are very misguided...trying to decide whether to have more affairs rather than focusing on coming clean with your W and rebuiding your M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am a little dis-allusioned with my first 2 attempts as the whole thing seems to be more trouble than it's worth........so far.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You appear to be sabotaging your M. Are you actually seeking out an A, i.e. an exit affair?
Why would you willingly seek to taint your M with an A?

Do you want a D? If so, why don't you seek one through legal channels? Are you fearful of confronting your W? Are you fearful of admitting to your A's? She will find out eventually.

Not slamming you, just posing questions for you to ask yourself.

robert...
you came here defensive...

you haven't asked one tangible question...

learn about what??...

why you do what you do?...
without feedback how can anyone "help" you...

does you wife know you have been unfaithful
do you love your wife.
do you think of your wife as your friend.

do you two get along.
do you spend time together
do you enjoy that time.

do you meet her needs
do you know her needs
does she meet your needs...

do you want to be married...

and your first post was cryptic and that is not a flame...
I didn't understand what you wanted in the first one...
and the second one is no clearer...

there are lots of WS that post here...in many different stages of their waywardness...

what do you believe marriage means?

you turn this around on me...and say you are being riduculed but the truth is that two people pretty much asked you the same question...

what is it you are seeking here...

ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by robertinboat:
<strong>

I know what I dont want.....I dont want to be a target for ridicule. If my sole purpose here is to be a punching bag for BWs &BHs I think I will pass. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you afraid of judgement of your actions? If you can't face the consequences of your actions, why do you do them?

Surely you don't expect the rest of the world to pretend, like you try to do, that this is a morally neutral subject? It's not. The rest of the world can and does judge right from wrong. And that shouldn't change to accommodate your wrongdoing. What you are doing is cruel and wrong.

You shouldn't be a target for ridicule. The majority of us here find no satisfaction in the pain of others. That's why most of us are here to begin with, because we chose to react differently to infidelity than most....

I think you have the opportunity to find what may be / has been / will be going through your BW's mind, what got you here and what can get you through it... I stress opportunity, b/c if you aren't willing to listen, you may not learn much.

Try to have an open mind, and you will get honest answers to your questions.....

Thanks worthatry.......I'm not sure I'm at the point of knowing what I should ask but I will start slow and go from there.

I never had problems being unfaithful for 20 years and never had emotional problems. Thats not to say there werent issues and we have a few i'm sure.

One day I just sort of "snapped". At first I was very depressed, would walk out to my car and break down in tears as I opened the door to go to work...........no idea why.

I began to feel that the marriage was basically stagnant. We got along fine but the romance was gone. I started by talking to women via instant messengers and I would try to strike up conversations with strangers. Eventually I met women in real life from that. I have not had intercourse but have done things that can be considered betrayal.

Since all this began, my relationship with my wife has gotten better in many ways. We are much closer , our sex life has skyrocketed and we talk and do things together.

At my low point I had alot of guilt and low self opinion oave my urges. The turning point came when I stopped doing that and gave in to my desires.

My questions to myself seem to be where do i go from here?

Why should I stop?

How did others arrive at this point and what did they do?

Basically, I'm about as confused as ever. One thing i'm sure of........I would rather continue cheating than fall back into the depression that I experienced. I never had that all my life and it was the worst experience I have been thru.

Again ......I am not here for approval or validation. I know how society views this. I am just looking to see how others reached their chosen paths.

I cannot believe the number of replys in this short time. Thanks to all and I did read each one. I will return tomorrow as well and consider all this. I agree about not giving much information but its my first day and not versed on how things go here. Maybe I should have lurked a bit......I'm just looking for different perspectives (and got plenty!).

OK, what approach is the Dr. taking for treating your depression?

Did he/she diagnose your affairs as self medication?

Why do you believe your relationship with your wife improved? Is it because of some success treating your depression - either thru meds or your affairs?

Have you tried stopping one "medication" to see if both are necessary?

Is it possible that you can rid yourself of one medication by increasing the "dose" of the other? (Guess which one we'd recommend?)

I believe my XW suffered from chronic depression that was exacerbated by the loss of our son. She chose to self medicate and chose the most convenient drug - her best friend's husband - to escape. Similarly, you may be choosing a drug of convenience in other women to feel good about yourself or to spike a dopemine high, which temporarily masks your depression.

But I'm not a doc.

Why should you stop?

Because it's not fair to your wife, for starters, and you may simply be using the other women and spreading who-knows-what diseases.

So, if you need a clinical rather than a moral reason to stop, if this is all depression related, you should stop because better treatments are available.

WAT

WAT you really have me challenged......I appreciate that not matter which route I choose.

Some of your questions are dead on.

One thing I learned a few months back was I was reading Mid Life Crisis- Fresh Starts after 40 by nancy myer and in it she speaks of the type A personality. I was familiar with the term and thought I was the exact opposite. As I read down the list of indicators, I was shocked to find I had almost every attribute!

The next shocker was when my doctor brought up the idea that I might have some obsessive-compulsive attributes. Again, this caught be by surprise.

The whole mid-life thing has been very humiliating at times. Horrible lows but also good at times too.

What you speak of is exactly what I experience....a rush of excitement and a alleviation of depression.

The other thing I don't seem ready to face is my lack of remorse and the change in my personality. I am not sure if the anti-depressants have something to do with that or if the change in me is part of the mid life thing.

Another thing I notice is I was always hot headed at work. Now my co-workers fume over events and they dont bother me in the least.

Not sure where to go from here.....divorce, new gf or a change in behavior but the site here has me at least thinking and looking for answers......or at least questions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by robertinboat:
<strong>Another thing I notice is I was always hot headed at work. Now my co-workers fume over events and they dont bother me in the least.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This could be due to meds you're on. Am I correct that you ARE on something? Which one? Has your doc tried others? Has your doc experimented with the dose? Do you take is consistently?

Your quote above indicates that SOME good is coming from it.

I'm asking from some experience. I suffered from severe depression as a result of the combination of the loss of my son and my wife's affair. Lost 25 pounds in a few weeks on the "infidelity diet." I was put on Zoloft by my doc and it worked well for me. But it's very common that trial and error is needed to identify the right drug for depression and the right dose.

However, I personally do not have any direct experience with MLC - and IF I was to have it, it would've happened by now - I hit the big 5 - 0 last month (just haven't updated my sig line yet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) MLC may be a player here - what did your doc say about this?

As far as where to go from here, you know what I'll say. More affairs will only be temporary highs, at the expense of your wife and the temporary women - and your conscience. Ever have a conversation with a drug addict? They're usually not happy - knowing they're in a rut. No self esteem and no dignity - unless they're on a high. Then they come down.

Again, I'm not a doc and I don't need to give you the moral argument, so let's stick with the clinical one: I suggest you seek the REAL treatment. Reading and communicating here may drive this point home, but we cannot change your morals nor proscribe medications or treatments. But we can help you sort out your thoughts.

WAT

robert....

Here's some of my rambling....

you said...
Not sure where to go from here.....divorce, new gf or a change in behavior but the site here has me at least thinking and looking for answers......or at least questions.

It's like that old saying...

no matter where you go...there you are...

all of those options are pretty big decisions/changes....and right now which ever path you choose...it's still you....

and it's YOU right now that is experiencing all these other emotions as well as the "highs"...

It's like you are looking and searching outside of yourself for answers that need to be addressed and looked at from within....

investing emotions and energy are an escape..
but they are fleeting and really just reflections of the really good things that can exist on a permanent basis between a husband and wife...or any two people really free to experience the things that have great value in a relationship...

You came here with your defenses really high....but I think part of that is your belief that the "collective we" will just lamb-baiste you...
but the truth is that while villifying WS's might be easy to do....the "collective we" really do get that the behaviors and actions of an affair bring pain to ALL involved....meaning you...

I don't think it can get anymore safer than this place here...even when you don't like what you hear...

"we" don't always like what hear either...but hopefully people can learn...

There is no doubt that certain anti-depressant can numb a persons emotions..there are tons of articles out there about people feeling like you do....so even keeled that one even feels disconnected...

when our actions leave us feeling disconnected from any emotion...it is a good time to really look at that issue....and see if it can't be tweaked a little...

The danger of this is not only your inability to feel remorse towards your spouse...but you are also at high risk for just using people...
be it your spouse your "girlfriends"....and to preach a little you can't have a girlfriend if you are married....

See that's a perfect example of how affairs become so dangerous....

seeking out others to meet needs when married doesn't fit the definition of a girlfriend...and when any of us go around changing definitions to define our behavior and use it to make things acceptable to meet our needs....
reality stands at a great risk of getting very skewed....

There is no doubt that it is our actions that define who we are...and when our actions don't equal or meet the person we strive to be...or present too others...then we are in great conflict....
and that's where the saying wherever you go ...there you are....really comes in to play...

I would rather continue cheating than fall back into the depression that I experienced. I never had that all my life and it was the worst experience I have been thru.

Robert the reality is that the cure for depression in the whole history of mankind has never been to engage in such inward and outward destructive behavior.....
if you could really feel the pain that you stand to inflict on yourself....your spouse and the other women....surely you would never choose such a path all just to pacify yourself.....

much strength to you Robert....
I hope you keep your boat afloat and turn it towards the sunlight and calmer waters...cause the ones you are in now....seem quite treachorous to me....

ARK

Well its my second day here now......I obviously made a rough entrance but I have decided I will revisit at least a few times each week and read a little each day. I'm not sure I'm ready to make drastic changes in my behavior but this looks likes a good place when I get there.

I have a great amount of faith in my doctor who seems to be a man of great patience and seems genuinely concerned.

Maybe step one is for me to research this antidepressant thing and question it a bit. I feel great on them but I do feel disconnected as Ark described it.

I have decided I will continute to come here to learn even if I choose to get another gf in the short term.

Again thanks for all the input.......it has been good to hear all the different angles.

robert - this is where I can't imagine your psyche.

What do you tell these girlfriends?

Do you tell them you're married? If so, do they care?

What do you tell your wife to explain any absences?

If you are not truthful, does your comfort with being untruthful carry over to other aspects of your life?

WAT

WAT I tell them up front within minutes of contact. Most exit then. Some dont. The last thought she could accept it and saw me a couple times but in the end she couldnt deal with it. I dont tell my wife anything. I take a day off from work and go out of town.

In my short experience I realize its only a matter of time till I am discovered. When I started with this I was so down I didnt care what happened. I told a long time friend I wanted relief from the depression.....I didnt care if I lost my home, job, marriage or whatever. Just relief.

Of course that hasn't happened........

I am in a situation that I think alot of spouses face. I'm not sure I want to scrap 20 years of work on the presumption that I would be happier single.

My wife and I talked a while back......I told her I had considered separating for a while. That hit her broadside of course and even though I got alot off my chest I have become wary of saying too much because I just seem to do more damage when I do. When we talked I admitted to some long distance relationships and said there was a dark side of me that I was not willing to discuss. Thats about where we stopped.

At one point I had lost any feelings of passion and saw no way to rekindle that. Like I said earlier, it is returning now and one benefit of this experience is I appreciate her much more and I learned pretty quickly neither of the others held a candle to her in many ways.

Before coming here I had no concept of this being an addiction. I am reading a little each day........some I agree with and some I dont.

Ark we are not going to agree on alot but I have decided to listen and go thru the articles on here. My main interest is to see if I can get back part of whatever I lost so I dont need to look elsewhere in the first place.